headlines found matching 'shot' NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Wed July 15, 2020 |
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The ad Biden should be running 24/7
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In an completely unreassuring moment, Bill Barr breaks into laughter when asked if he will ensure Ghislaine Maxwell's safety until trial
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Weird how connections to Russia continually pop up--Now there's one in the Administration's scheme to hide COVID numbers from the CDC
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Timely episode of Marvel's Agents of SHIELD tonight at 10pm eastern on ABC
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This is a normal thing a winning campaign does a few months before the election
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Say what you will about the WSJ opinion page, but nowhere else will depict pigs carrying sacks of money as the good guys
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Biden leads Trump by 15 points and Trump's approval rating drops to 36 percent in latest poll by liberal libby libs Quinipiac
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This should settle things down: Breonna Taylor protesters arrested in Louisville face 1-5 years on felony charges. There. Problem solved
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Trump broke another law. Just add it to the pile over there
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Canadian anti-masker assaults employees, rams the store, gets shot by the cops. Bet he's sorry now
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There is zero chance he wrote this himself
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And they want to abolish KFC, and Netflix, and ice fishing, and air, and the moon, and Vermont, and
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In a brand new poll from the highly respected Monmouth Polls Joe Biden has opened up a 13 point lead in Pennsylvania
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World's foremost female tennis player, who greatly contributed to the desegregation of American tennis, once was a spy for U.S. intelligence and was shot in the back by a Nazi agent
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Well, at least the Mooch has a sense of humor about himself
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10th grader makes great catch against Tyreek Hill
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OK, so Doug Jones vs. Tommy Tuberville, let's see how the usually useless Alabama Democratic Party is preparing for... oh. Oh my
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He must own Goya stock
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Newty: "the fake news media is now fake propaganda media"
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Apparently Sanders and Biden have a pact to kill white people or something. It's hard to tell what Dementia patients ramble about
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Jim Acosta sums up Trump's current White House staff as succinctly and accurately as can be done
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Just Goyaway, please
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Pathetic. There is no other word to describe this level of desperation
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Yes, we do
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| Mon July 13, 2020 |
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Because that's how dictators roll
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Lincoln Project: Trump doesn't care whether your children live or die
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This beautiful smoked ham is not cake. It's not ham, either
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Not news: Trump campaign spends 13% of its budget in a single state. Fark: That state is Texas
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Pence to police during round table: we've got your back, and besides, you've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet, if you know what I mean
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Los Angeles and San Diego school districts to Trump and DeVos: Fark you. Strong letter to follow
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If Fartbongo use Chloriquinone, you libs are all pwned
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Take mugshots of your pets in case they get lost - with helpful pic of 7-foot tall cat
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We're only now understanding the effects the BLM protests had on the spread of coronavirus
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Peter Pan and Steve Harvey have finally met their match
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Judge Jackson demands proof that Roger Stone has actually had his sentence commuted and this isn't one big hoax by Trump
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Die stille Mehrheit wird regieren
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Here's how Trump loses Texas
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Trump getting Stone off is proof they are treasonous traitors
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"So hard to watch @FoxNews." Hey, even a broken clock is right once in a while
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Old and busted: Murder hornets. New hotness: Karate bears
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Bad cops exist because of Democrats
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*citation needed
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Sticky balls? Or is this a sign of something else?
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As if flying wasn't already bad enough here is Ted Cruz not wearing a facemask while aboard an American Airlines' flight
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Much cuter than it sounds, Nunchuck Bears
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Are you not entertained?
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"Everyone is lying...The CDC, Media, Democrats, our Doctors, not all but most, that we are told to trust...I'm sick of it"- Chuck Woolery as Retweeted by tRUmp
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The super-rare Food/D'aww Tab crossover
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20 million Americans face eviction and homelessness by September because the GOP refuses to help them
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A quiet bit of beauty to start your week - a 360' rainbow
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Now watch this drive
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A true bird brain. The giant fluffy type
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Translation: "People won't embrace us because we're a**holes"
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| Sat July 11, 2020 |
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This is the coolest man on the internet
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Trump wanted to sell Puerto Rico. Maybe a straight swap for Greenland?
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How Not to Apostrophe, by Donald Trump, Jr
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It's a small crowd after all
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Even in the heat of summer, Canadians will stop in the middle of the road to engage in an impromptu game of Beaver Hockey
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🎵All you need is love, dododododoooo🎵
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Trump finally masked up
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Parade of Trump voters on boats shows clear evidence of one fact: Trump is killing it in sales of branded flags
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2020 you're drunk, go home
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Ooh, burn
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Partly Cloudy, 76 degrees, Low turnout of stupidity
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Mittens takes the gloves off
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Is Flynn getting his pardon today? Trump tweeting about his innocence via OANN would suggest so. Tag is for anyone who believes OANN
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NFLPA sends post-covid salary cap demands to the league and... uh, looks like we're not having any games for a while
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Lier?
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The Rainmaker, or the King of Darkness; who will walk away with the trophy and a double-title shot against Tetsuya Naito? LIVE from Osaka-Jo Hall, NEW JAPAN CUP 2020: FINAL starts @ 4:00 AM EDT on NJPWWorld.com
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Arizona is doing so well with COVID-19, they've decided to start ordering refrigerated trucks as morgues are running out of space
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Finally, an ad from Democrats that shows they're learning from the Lincoln Project
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What a shot
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| Fri July 10, 2020 |
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Trump faces his greatest nemesis once again. Well played, umbrella. Well played
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Ann Coulter's account has been hacked
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Corruption is just a Stone's throw away
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Channel 5 News Cleveland is all out of farks to give
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How to cognitive
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If people today were on the Titanic
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This little girl is all of us right now
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I don't think your church going supporters will take this tweet too kindly once the logical conclusion of linking propaganda and indoctrination to revoking tax exemptions is thought out, praise Jesus
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My name is Frank Montoya. You asked me to wear a mask. Prepare to die
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SCOTUSBLOG: Roberts is retiring
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The government is banning all government contractors who use Chinese espionage companies
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Lou Holtz: "Thereth no way in thith world you can do anything thath's without a riskth. People sthormed Normandy"
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Have they tried giving the president a sucker?
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson ROFL with a dog. For real
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Matthew 24:24 - For false Christs and false prophets will arise and will show great signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect
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Wag the dog : US plans south china sea announcement next week
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Um...why did Trump 'like' this Tweet?
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Want a whole bunch of strangers smiling at you like they are going to eat your soul? Apple VR has you covered
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Hong Kong opened their schools. Let's see how... aaaand they're closed
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Trump New Hampshire rally delayed because of Tropical Storm Nobodywasgonnashowupanyway
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Look, it's a video of the Central Park Five helping paint the Black Lives Matter mural on the street in front of Trump Tower. Fark needs a schadenfreude tag
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Trump: Biden plagiarized my economic plan that I didn't release until after he had already released his
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Illiterate "president" wants to bankrupt universities
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Your dog knows how to live
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Consider the source and all, but this seems......troubling
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You went full Florida, you never go full Florida
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Can you cry without tears? This crazy lady that pulled a gun on a black teenager gives it her best shot
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Oh, nothing. Just Barack Obama tweeting out an article discussing how Germany de-Nazified after the fall of Hitler
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Flashback, 1927: Tennessee votes to remove bust of KKK Grand Wizard from State Capitol. Wait...I'm being told this was from *yesterday*. Aw geez, Tennessee
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Newt Gringrich --- captive or shapeshifter?
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Old and busted Disney movie: The Fox and The Hound. New hotness Disney movie: The Cheetah and the Hound
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Somebody ask Melania if Barron is going to go back to a full classroom
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Nothing says legitimacy like a Brian Kilmeade quote
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Name one instance this happened
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"I want to make this clear - I will not send our kids and our education workforce into our schools unless it is safe to do so....I have made decisions based on science and facts to keep Michiganders safe since the beginning, and won't stop now" - That Woman from Michigan
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Reminder: The NeverTrumpers of the Lincoln Project are just as racist as Trump is
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Look ma, I'm a dancer. I've got dancer legs
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Out of nowhere and unprompted, Trump told Hannity he aced the dementia test and the doctors were very surprised. Does this seem weird to you?
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| Thu July 09, 2020 |
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Dr. Oz, who used to perform surgery on people, thinks the virus can't survive too well in 78 degree high humidity environments. You know, like Florida... or a pair of lungs
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Likely response: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA, sorry but no
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Was this dog raised by cats?
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Even Cookie Monster is celebrating the Trump v. Vance decision
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Sentient testicle refuses to wear underwear
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Leader of the Free World scolds the American dictatorship
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Trump's press secretary insinuates that Joe Biden is a kid toucher
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Judge Sullivan: hmmm, you know, we have a few treasonweasels on this court, so let's have the entire circuit court review the Flynn mandamus petition. Six votes stand between justice and treason
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"This is not a mixed bag or a victory for Trump. Trump shouldn't be happy about this. The fact is he lost. He lost resoundingly"
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Whining about how unfair things are is now a sign of virility
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The NFL will help stop the spread of covid among players by not letting them shake hands after games
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US congressman Ken Calvert praises private business for effectively handling the reopening, hopes schools can learn a thing or two. (Bonus: he's from Corona, CA)
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Bah gawd King, that's Joe Biden's music
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DOJ to Roger Stone: Sorry, orders from the boss. Have fun in the pokey, Rog
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Law & Order
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And nobody will have any problem with this whatsoever
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Half of Oklahoma is no longer a US state. Well, that's awkward
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You simply cannot argue with this kind of logic
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Facebook's new Oversight Board will be up and running in time for President Joe Biden's inauguration
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Looks like someone found out the results of the Supreme Court cases regarding his tax returns
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Terminal D at LaGuardia Airport evacuated. Security investigation underway. Story developing
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The owner of the Dakota Access Pipeline tells judge to fark off (link updated)
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If you've got five minutes to spare today, you could do worse than listen to cricket commentator Michael Holding explaining what Amy Cooper, white Jesus and Lewis Howard Latimer tell us about systemic racism and how to tackle it
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Dude....just, dude
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Burt is a baaaad baaaaaad boy. But incredibly comfortable
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Trump
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The Lincoln Project thanks Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman for his service and patriotism
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CNN chyron writer is out of farks to give
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| Wed July 08, 2020 |
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Subby, after finding out there's ice cream
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Sweet mother of FAIL
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Today in Murican Racist History: 59 years ago John Lewis was arrested for using the "wrong" bathroom. The more things change, the more things stay the same
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Irony is dead
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Republican running for congress decides it's his patriotic duty to protect Trump from KPop agents and puts them ON NOTICE . Yes, you read that right, KPop agents
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National security advisor : Trump planning to wag the dog on China
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It took the U.S. 98 days to reach 1 million cases of COVID. It took us 43 more days to reach 2 million and only 28 more days to reach 3 million. But yeah, let's get those schools open
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SILENT but DEADLY, FART BOX
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The Left forms Voltron. "I'M A LEG" shouts Warren
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Ivy League shuts down everything
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And on that day, Jesus said, "Do not allow a black woman to rest on the grounds of a church"
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They couldn't fit all 14 words on the chyron
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Cuomo to Trump: its not your decision to reopen NY schools. So fark off
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Google autocomplete goes online December 10, 2004. It begins to learn at a geometric rate. In July 2020, it becomes self-aware, and writes poetry
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Little girl pretends to be asleep after getting caught with a snack
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Woman returns home after lockdown to discover alien life-form is just a commentater
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Trump to depart for Russia at 10:01am tomorrow morning
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My body, my employer's choice
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Doing anything is impossible
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Trump says we should follow the examples of socialist countries
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Dr. Kellyanne has some thoughts about Joe Biden's spittle
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Trump finally addresses the Russian bounty program in new interview
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Anyone want some deeAAARR GAWD KILL IT
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Let's circle back to this tweet in about two to three weeks, shall we? - Update: Deleted already, but the internet never forgets
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All our children have asthma, when it's convenient
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Fox News: #1 with racists for a reason
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There's always a tweet, Foreigners in College Edition, direct from 2015
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Joe Biden: Don't sweat it that Cadet Bone Spur withdrew the U.S. from WHO. We're going to rejoin it as soon as I'm elected
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| Tue July 07, 2020 |
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Pulling a shotgun on Black joggers because you heard a loud noise is no way to go through life, Mr. Mayor
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Good News: Tron 3 is in the works. And Disney wants Daft Punk to do its Soundtrack. Bad News: Jared Leto is in the running to star in it. And Disney wants Tron:Legacy Director to return. So.....Push?
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A comet, ISS, Earthrise. That is all
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Republican Voters Against Trump weaponize Reagan's words
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Narrator: It was absolutely because they were losing money
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Looks like somebody finally got up to Tucker Carlson on his TiVo, I guess executive time is almost over for today
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Trump supporters aren't racist, you see, they just yearn for the time when uneducated white men were at the top and everyone else did as they were told
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Shame on the media not noting that fewer people are dying from the US VIRUS per capita because we lead the world in people contracting the VIRUSA in the first place
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Dumbass tries to defend JK Rowling by saying before her female SF&F authors were "virtually unknown" Ursula LeGuin, Anne McCaffrey, CJ Cherryh, Lin Carter, CL Moore, PL Travers, Mary Shelly collectively say "biatch, please"
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Peter Navarro proves that drinking before going on TV is a bad idea
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Begun, the totally preventable mass evictions have
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Oh nothing, just a puppy driving a kid around
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Restaurant Richard crashes a birthday party. (NSFW language)
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Man who fired gun into murder victim's grave during funeral gets 15 years for being a dumbass
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This is an escalation
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Current president whines that presidential candidate isn't solving crimes yet
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Senator Duckworth takes Tucker Carlson for a walk
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All because somebody got their fee-fees hurt by TikTok
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| Mon July 06, 2020 |
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Yes, they look like dust bunnies with thicc legs, but watch how cute and sweet baby flamingos are
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Organization formed to shrink federal government until it was small enough to drown in a bathtub is drowning in federal PPP grants
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Turns out that it's easier to pick yourself up by someone else's bootstraps
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Supreme Court rules that robocalls must be terminated without exception
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Simon and Schuster posted the back cover of Mary Trump's book and subby is shocked to learn that Donnie has always behaved like an unloved toddler. Ok, not that shocked
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Stop, collaborate, and Deport ICE ICE Baby issues mandate that foreign students have to return home if they take online courses
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Not content with creating a racial divide between white and black, Trump now brings in the indigenous people as player three
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Twitler attacks Bubba Wallace & NASCAR, and The Lincoln Project had a treason flag video ready to roll
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Trump is hoping that people are cool with COVID numbers
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Not news: the Trump campaign is trying to rally its base by promising to protect statues from the "Radical Left." FARK: Christ the Redeemer, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
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NASCAR driver Tyler Reddick: We're doing just fine without you, Trump
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New study finds when it comes to gerrymandering, both sides are bad. The GOP *for* doing it, the Dems *at* doing it
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Supreme Court rules the Electoral College is only mostly broken, but not entirely
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Trump's demanding Bubba Wallace apologize for his crew member finding a noose in his garage
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Hey he's finally criticizing his base
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So if Trump really didn't know about the bounties (Narrator: he knew), then what's with all the phone calls to Putin lately?
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Don't worry J.K. Rowling issues another statement to attempt to dig up. "Young people struggling with their mental health are being shunted towards hormones and surgery when this may not be in their best interests." Her publicist seen weeping
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Who needs a sheep dog when one can have a sheep raccoon?
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Texas resident diagrams the Oh Snap flow chart for Senator John Cornyn (R-TX)
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Judge Jeanine is apparently a Chrissy Teigen fan
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George Takei wins the internet again, bringing his collection of internets to 23. For the year 2020
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Continue to die, citizens, as long as you do it at a "Low and Steady" pace. Also, get a job while you die. You're making me look bad. Thank you
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Texas Governor to Nurses: "Drop Dead"
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Man from PA among 19 animals poached in east Idaho
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Not The Onion: "Trump Jumps on Preserving Monuments as Winning Campaign Issue"
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| Thu July 02, 2020 |
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It takes balls to brag about a low crime rate during a pandemic where everyone was locked in their houses
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Barr plotting to put another loyalist in NY
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Drake? -1; Poutine +10; Trolling Pooty Poot? +Eleventy and one. Well played Ukraine. Well Played
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Then kick him out of the hospital and free up the bed space
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Dallas farkers, stay safe...and stay the fark inside
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Joe Biden reveals his hatred of America by defiantly removing his flag pin
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Herman Cain has Covid-19. Better start praying to the Nine, Nine, Nine
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Alabama officials confirm that college students are stupid and dangerous
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So Trump is intentionally letting people get COVID-19 because they deserve to die?
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The Ghislaine Maxwell case is being prosecuted by SDNY's Public Corruption Unit, which doesn't tackle sex crimes unless a public official is involved. Hey remember when Barr rushed to fire SDNY US Attorney Berman a couple weeks ago?
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Thanks to my great work we are only down 20M jobs since I started
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Two weeks after Seattle City Council bans its use, police are back to using pepper spray
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I scream, you scream, we all scream at teenagers trying to not kill us
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David Lee Roth is now David L. Roth - or El Roth if you are into that whole brevity thing
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Statue Fooooorce
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President Headroom speaks to the "we call it the vast silent majority"
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Remember how cool Magnum PI was?
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It all started when the cat declared he was heading over for a drink
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Astronomers have found an ancient black hole with more mass than some galaxies and 1000 times more light than the entire Milky Way
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Make way - some big horny guys are coming through
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Tuberville's campaign is on fire
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I'm a shark I'm a shaaaark Suck my d i i i i i i i i i i i i
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Not News: 'My Body, My Choice' protest in Florida. Difficulty: Republicans are doing the protesting
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Tom Hanks goes big, makes a splash, and casts away all the hooches saying "That thing you do; you're ladykillers; shame on you" He truly is in a league of his own
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| Wed July 01, 2020 |
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The Lighthouse on lockdown? Can Marvel's Agents of SHIELD fight Chronicoms while maintaining social distance? Find out tonight at 10pm eastern on ABC
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I don't get Dilbert anymore
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What's old is new again. Florida poll tax is back in effect
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Excited to hear the SCOTUS rulings on Trump's taxes, Obamacare, and the Electoral College? Well, you'll have to wait a bit longer. Supremes put remaining decision off until after July 4th for the first time in nearly 35 years
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There is always a Tweet
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Feb. 10, 0 deaths: "In theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away." July 1, 130,539 deaths: "I think we're gonna be very good with the coronavirus. I think that at some point that's going to sort of just disappear"
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George W Bush: Welcome to the Deep State
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It's not a second wave, it's a delayed first wave
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By July the first, Richmond had fell. It's a time I remember oh so well
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Good thing about the coronavirus pandemic is that we can have a bear cub tussle on the patio of Big Bend National Park basin lodge because all the humans are gone
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Trump has never seen a picture of The Lone Ranger
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Montana Senator is against DC statehood because "real people" don't live in DC. Never mind that almost as many people live in DC as the whole state of Montana
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(Lifts pinky to face with help of other arm) ONE BILLION DOLLARS
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In today's complete and total coincidence out of the Trump campaign, Trump's website is selling a T-shirt using the slogan of the fascist America First Committee. Bonus: It also looks a lot like the Iron Eagle, the official symbol of the Nazi Party
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Celebrate 2 Americas #Salute2America
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Ted Lieu: "You are a traitor and need to resign"
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Try to guess the only three parties who publicly dispute the facts of the Russian bounties. Go on, you'll never.....oh. You guessed already. You peeked
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The most epic video you'll ever watch about the Iceland national soccer team unveiling their new crest
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BBC News: Your home for interviews with parents of kids in yellow jumpers
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Not news: Stone Patio Susan goes after Black lawyers for putting in a patio while Black. Fark: white neighbors hold an anti-racism protest in front of Entitled White Lady's house
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I've never seen this before except in the last sentence where I said I've seen this before
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Arizona is going from "flattening the curve" to just flatlining
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Our TV reviewer in chief thanks himself for good ratings for Fox News
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"My colleague mentioned in a Zoom chat he found another coworker's breastfeeding on camera to be 'hot' and claimed he'd taken screenshots but denied it when I challenged him. Should I report him to HR?"
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Danny Clark, AKA Jake from Evil Dead 2, is gunna find out just what in the hell is going on down in that fruit cellar for the last time at age 68
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The South Shall Rise Again...no thanks to that Warren *harrumph*
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Dammit Mel, stop kicking up all the dust on stage
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Answer: it's the stupidest possible thing a Lt.. Gov of a state that's reported record numbers of Coronavirus cases every day for the last week could say. What is "I don't listen to Dr. Fauci I didn't need his advice anymore" ?
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Bountygate? FAKE NEWS
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The second wave explained
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"I just fainted"
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He's on it. Decisively. You wouldn't believe how decisively. That's what people are saying. They come in his office, tears in their eyes I guess, and say "Sir, you're on it"
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The most informed man in the world is wondering where Roger Ailes is. Nobody tell him
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I have the weirdest boner right now
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And our next contestant for bad tattoo mugshot of the year is:
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