headlines found matching 'last week' NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Fri May 20, 2022 |
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Mother fears she is raising a future Farker
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Princeton to fire Katz, a self-appointed "anti woke" professor, suspected of sexual misconduct involving pastrami on rye with mustard
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Final Dobbs decision will be the ultimate battle between Justice Clarence Thomas and Chief Justice John Roberts. Maybe even end in a death match
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US Army proposes new policy allowing its soldiers to request transfers if they're discriminated against by state, local laws, "based on gender, sex, religion, race or pregnancy"
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Beware the formula scammers
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The future of work could include homeless shooting up in the bathroom
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"like so many millennials, was excited to share a social media post announcing her new job"
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Day 86 of WW3: Russia fires some commanders, Biden plans to sign the $40 billion aid bill, Zelenskyy says Donbas is completely destroyed, more reports of Russian mobilization, and Turkey is still being an asshat. It's your Friday Ukraine War thread
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Modern fascist party members begin the book burning
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| Thu May 19, 2022 |
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Covid Convoy vows silent-but-deadly return to Washington, D.C. as they carpet-bomb nation's capital with more ignorant fart gas
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After seeing the overinflated values, wildly fluctuating prices, egotistical "bro" cultural, and disconnection from the real economy, major crypto exchange decides that stock trading complements their existing business quite nicely
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Some tattoos remind you of your date's name or your "no ragerts," then there's the one that reminds you of your $40 billion faceplant business failure
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Woman in Kansas with superhuman bowels and an ax to grind at the beauty shop didn't just spray those eight wigs, she rectum
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MTG thinks capitol rioters, uh tourists, are mistreated POWs. She and Louie Gohmert demand to see DC mayor. Also, two prisoners in the jail died last week. Of overdoes
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Joe Rogan discusses problems with The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. Subby believes Joe Rogan is the problem with the Joe Rogan Experience
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Is Elon Musk a driven man, marching to a science fiction drummer? And should that scare the crap out of the rest of us? A recount of Musk's fever dreams to the left, Fark thoughts to the right
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No, you can't donate guns to Goodwill, but somebody thought it would be worth a shot
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Cops wake up suburban Chicago mayor at 1:30am and arrest him. Yes, of course he's black. In their defense, he was also passed out drunk in his car, stopped in the middle lane of an expressway
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Cyptobros may be tax cheats? You don't say
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| Wed May 18, 2022 |
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For all you Little Leaguers out there: It's better to steal bases than your teammate's equipment
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Weekly mortgage demand definitely not made of brick
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Will Jeff Hardy get past ADAM COLE BAY-BAY, and on to the next round of the Owen Hart Cup? Can Wardlow withstand 10 lashes from MJF? Who are the 2 Jokers? All will be revealed on AEW Dynamite @ 8pm ET on TBS, the SuperStation
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CDC strongly recommends, urges, advocates, counsels, implores, beseeches, enjoins, exhorts, and forcefully suggests that Americans again wear masks indoors if they want to avoid catching Covid but don't call it a mandate
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No, it doesn't
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Regulators try to ban sales of Freezin' Season Winter Ale featuring naked man on label. no word if it tastes like ass
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Investigation opened after school employees make kids sit on hot pavement in 95-degree weather for being disruptive in cafeteria. Second offense, they would have gotten the sweat box
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Venezuelan cardiologist charged with 'designing and selling ransomware,' being in-network
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European car sales are driving on the wrong side of the balance sheet
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"And then I sent my apologies as whatever reason she was teary-eyed for"
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Self-proclaimed genius and prolific breeder Elon Musk declares the environment can accommodate double our current population, which works out to two Elon Musks too many
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Twitter to Musk: "No backsies"
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| Tue May 17, 2022 |
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Tiger slams FIGJAM, invokes Jack and Arnold
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Romulan Commander Sela running for Congress in Fark's favorite state
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Can Jayson Tatum, Marcus Smart, and the rest of the Celtics go into Miami and take Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Heat? Or will Tyler Herro, Kyle Lowry, and Miami triumph? Tipoff is at 8:30 PM ET on ESPN
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Not news: stealing metal to sell as scrap for money. News: metal in the form of a 15-foot angel statue?
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Florida gator just trying to find an alternator for a 2003 Ranger, doesn't understand what all the fuss is about
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Guilty treasures
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But you fark just money, and it's all over the news (sic)
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For perhaps the first time ever, Farkers won't be able to complain about sharp knees (possible nsfw content on page)
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The D.C. Metro's GM and COO just resigned for once again overseeing the spread of flagrant safety violations. Don't worry, though, it's not the rail cars, tracks, or escalators this time. Just that almost half their train operators aren't certified
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The Pennsylvania GOP primaries haven't yet started, but the finger pointing has already started as to who is responsible for losing the governor's seat this fall. Is it MAGA, or Ultra-MAGA?
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If you filed a worker's compensation claim in Texas, it was not only likely denied, but now your information was stolen from a data breach with the Texas Department of Insurance
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| Fri May 13, 2022 |
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"Wonder Years" gets a sophomore year, "Home Economics" gets a new lease, "A Million Little Things" gets one more thing, and "Big Sky" sees bright skies ahead as ABC renews shows for next season
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Remember last week when Juneau Alaska bought a second-hand ski lift, or the week before when they bought their cops a tank? This week someone finally noticed that they don't actually have any money
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Louisiana backpedals on abortion = murder. Still hates women
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It's another Freaky Figure Four Friday: First on Rampage, Ruby vs Riho & Sky vs Kaz for the TNT title. Then on Smackdown, Kofi vs Butch, Nattie & Shayna vs the Boss & Glow for their tag belts. It all starts at 5:30 PM ET on TNT, then 8 PM ET on FOX
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Free Brittney
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Putin's mistress hit with major sanctions
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TFG struggles to control MAGAts, bowels
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Who could have predicted Madison Cawthorn's fall?
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Soon to be ex-Officer addressing 2 female domestic violence victims and their mom: Excuse me while I whip this out
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"That MAGA creep can campaign, man." "Yeah...but he's a pervert, Dude. No; he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight-year-old. He had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast"
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| Tue May 10, 2022 |
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And they all quit playing and all logged out, one player in the game and the gamer did say, I'm lonely
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Well, no wonder he wanted to nuke the hurricanes
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Are you not infotained?
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Inside Madison Cawthorn's relentless campaign to ruin Madison Cawthorn
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Disney is woke and panders to woke activists so I'm introducing legislation to take away their copyright protections. Woke
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Brightline train gives away its 63rd free ride in five years
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Tesla stops production in Shanghai due to missing parts. Looks like duct tape and bark are back on the automotive menu, boys
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Day 76 of WW3: Russian journalists criticize Putin as his victory parade was a bust, US House votes on $40 billion for Ukraine, and Biden signs the Lend Lease Act as his wife visits Kyiv. It's your Tuesday Ukraine War thread
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If you find Sylvester the Cat shaking in fear and babbling incoherently about a giant rat, please contact the Detroit Zoo
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Data suggests 40% of bitcoin investors are now underwater. Mr. Krabs, Boss Nass, and Namor urge fellow cryptobros to buy the dip
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Of my friend, I can only say this. Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most human. Okay, y'all hold my Romulan ale and watch this
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| Wed May 04, 2022 |
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$uperPACs are prohibited by law from coordinating with candidates. The runaround: Peter Thiel's $uperPAC simply published their information and strategy on Medium blog directed towards Vance's campaign, and they ran with it
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Will Bobby Fish or Jeff Harvey advance to the Owen Hart Cup tourny? Can TBS Champ Jade Cargill fend off "The Baddies"? Who will be crowned Undisputed ROH Women's Champion? AEW Dynamite starts @ 8pm EDT on TBS, the SuperStation
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The Texans previously had Savage on their roster, and now they signed Hogan. It's like the MegaPowers, but way crappier
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Ukrainian newlyweds sharing their first dance from a Lviv hospital ward shows that love conquers war any day of the week
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Should Supreme Court Justices be investigated for perjury?
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NASA: We need a rocket that can sent 865kg of humans and gear to the moon. Also NASA: SpaceX's Starship should do the job. SpaceX Engineer: And what about its other 99 tons of payload capacity?
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FINE. Then I'll drive and eat. I'm no stranger to spooney-knifey, myself
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Inductees into 2022 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame include Eminem, Duran Duran, Dolly Parton, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon among others. Line for why your person should have gotten in and how they screwed it up again forms to the right
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North Korea kills some more fish
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Fed: You people don't want affordable houses. You want an interest rate hike. INTEREST RATE HIKES FOR EVERYONE
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COVID-19 testing site closed after 'influx' of venomous snakes. Yes of course this is Australia
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Facebook wants to look inside your brain, because of course they do
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You know those "cryptocurrency influencers" that shill for everything? Yeah, they're getting paid in dollars because they don't even believe in their own industry
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"Hey you with the improper political beliefs, put that ballot down and come out with your hands up"
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| Tue April 26, 2022 |
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Sometimes you need over 3 months to review video of yourself behaving badly
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Meet the man who evacuated 200 people from Mariupol in a battered red van, who is not only a hero but also apparently a master at clown car logistics
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Nobody expected a Spanish investigation into Catalangate, the use of Pegasus spyware against pro-independence Catalan politicians, but they're getting one
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Every accusation is an admission, episode eleventy-one
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We've upped our credit card merchant fees, now up yours
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Former NFL baller Antonio Brown rapping to an unimpressed crowd is the most awkward thing you'll see all day
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Suing time
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Biden delegates COVID-19 to Kamala Harris
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Now that the AX-1 mission has splashed down, it's time for Crew-4 to get their asses to the ISS. 3:52am EDT Wednesday
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Marshall, martial, what's the difference? This is just liberal communist wokeness working to disenfranchise the individualist creativity of conservative geniuses. Words mean precisely what I want them to me, no more and no less
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Connecticut: Let's suspend our 25-cent per gallon sales tax to give motorists a break. Oil companies: Hey boys, we can raise the price of gas by 25 cents per gallon in Connecticut
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Playing now in San Francisco, the Obama Democrats Revenge Tour
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Finish up your nachos before they get cold and then come discuss the latest Better Call Saul [Spoilers for Episode 3]
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Plane swap guys appear to be on the FAFO track after ignoring FAA disapproval for their stunt
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| Fri April 22, 2022 |
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It's Figure Four Friday time: first on Smackdown, Sami faces Drew in a lumberjack match, Madcap tries to prank an Angel. Then on Rampage: Cole vs Ishii, Kingston vs Garcia, Archer vs Serpentico. Tune in starting at 8 PM ET on FOX, 10 PM on TNT
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Nebraska gubernatorial candidate Charles Herbster maintains he is not also secretly "The Gropester". Unfortunately the women seeking to unmask this supervillain are all fellow Republicans
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Texas Governor Greg Abbott increasing inspections of commercial trucks entering from Mexico found zero drugs, migrants, but costs the citizens of Texas $4.2 billion
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Guys, now might be time to install a urinal in your house. You know, before you really have to go
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Protestors demanding a larger share of profits at the world's second-largest copper mine disrupt global exports. New Bronze Age collapse to happen in 3, 2, 1
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Israeli police: Oh noes. A few kids threw some rocks at us. Better get the full riot gear and heavy weaponry to brutally put down this revolt before they start calling us nasty names, too
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She's right, you know
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The "no one will ever believe you" meme is about to take a dark turn
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| Tue April 19, 2022 |
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Put out an APB for a male suspect driving a... car of some sort. Suspect is wearing a hat. Repeat, suspect is hatted
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Brit PM BoJo apologizes again. This time for being a clown when it comes to lockdown parties
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Intel may or may not be mass producing silicon qubits
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"The billionaire founder of a global crypto exchange made an anonymous $14 million contribution to a super PAC. Only it wasn't anonymous. And it wasn't $14 million." Aren't campaign finance laws FUN these days? Thanks Justice Roberts
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Maybe "damaging her patio, threatening to kill her with a tire iron, destroying her laptop, choking her friend and trying to run over her with his car as he drove off" is not the right way to win her back
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CNN-
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Department of Education announces that about 40,000 student loan borrowers will be having their debts entirely canceled, effective immediately. No, not you
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Writer for a medical TV show "accused" of faking her real-world medical issues which she then fictionalized and worked into the scripts for the TV show
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Ukraine is making it sorta look like the world responds differently to crises that involve primarily white populations than it does to those that involve black or brown populations
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Kremlin now insists that in glorious achievement showcasing advanced Russian technology, the warship Moskva was an entirely automated and self-sailing ship and actually had NO crew whatsoever
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The "KK & K" show is about to end in Arizona
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Visibly tattooed pro athlete decides needles with vaccines are too scary
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Okay, it's official.... More people are still running Windows XP than Windows 11
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Governor Kay Ivey (R-AL): "Alabama way of life" will not drive away business. So long as they don't employ people of color, LGBTQ+, or those who don't worship Jesus
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Day 55 of WW3: The Battle for Donbas has begun as Russia attacks all along the front from Kharkiv to Mariupol, Putin honors units suspected of atrocities, and Greece starts seizing Russian tankers. It's your Tuesday Ukraine War thread
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From the department of Canadian headlines, here's one about the weather
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But, now how many residents have windmill cancer?
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| Sat April 16, 2022 |
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Senator willing to betray America for President upset said President attacked him due to his failure
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Will Putin return for the cold open? Or will we get more bland James Austin Johnson? Will Che and Jost be wined by Jeanine Pirro? Will Ukraine play Battleship with Russia? Lizzo does double duty as host and musical guest. SNL, 11:30PM ET on NBC
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Since it's that time of year, Paul's Memory Bank (8PM EDT) has two hours of music on money & taxes, an oversight from last week's Birthday Corner is corrected, and a new 25 part Superman story - "The Hate Mongers Association"
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Delayed shipments in car parts, electronics, and $280 million of spoiled fruits and vegetables, and causing prices to spike at the grocery stores that could last for months are all just a small price to pay to stick it to the libs
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Minneapolis' newest attraction is a parking lot puddle dubbed "Lake Chipotle," where one sip of rainwater might incapacitate you
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Eh, just do it
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| Wed April 06, 2022 |
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Joe is gonna kill you. The Young Bucks face FTR, but Joe is gonna kill you. Adam Cole faces Christian Cage for the 1st time ever, but Joe is gonna kill you. AEW Dynamite starts @ 8pm EDT on TBS, the SuperStation. Then, Joe is gonna kill you
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Australians' home ownership dreams sour in the face of skyrocketing house prices, pointing to a dismal future where no one will have a driveway to park their war rigs in
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Chanel restricts sales to Russians abroad amid Ukraine war, a move that will cause a financial hit since no one, regardless of nationality, wants to be called a broad
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Update on those five fetuses (feti?) found in DC. No, there were 15. No, 55. No, wait, there were... oh lord
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