headlines found matching 'News' NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Wed February 01, 2023 |
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Okay, Tennessee, you're tops in the country in gun thefts, 40th in health care, and front page news is the brutal murder of a citizen by police. What's the first bill in your new Congress?
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Fark NotNewsletter: Fark and the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, 20 years later
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The House floor is totally the proper place to compare DirectTV removing Newsmax to the holocaust. Not a repeat from a few days ago
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The good news is, there's lots of money to be made in the apocalypse
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Play the ukulele but you've always wanted a classic electric guitar? This link is for you
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Many GOP congressmen are not clever men. Maxine Waters however, is an extremely clever woman. So, it was a REALLY bad idea for Rep. Nick Longworthy to have her as a witness in his "hearing" to denounce "socialism" in the US
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Headline writer uses Betteridge's Law to their advantage
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Faint, green smudge near the North Star, just like that time way back when
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I saw this once in the news about a January 6 rioter named SPEED who was on probation, but SPEED kept praising Adolf Hitler, and then SPEED illegally possessed some silencers. I think the story was called, "Your bond is now revoked"
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| Sun January 29, 2023 |
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Everyone should come back into the office because when you work remotely and are laid off, you miss out on the comforting 1-on-1 humanity and hugs from HR
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Leaving the remnants of the State House behind, Joel and Ellie head out in search of Bill and Frank, who have been alluded to in the past. More backstory will grow on you, but avoid that mycelium kiss. The Last of Us, 9PM ET on HBO (possible nsfw content on page)
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State nicknames, Scottish things, soccer, and space are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, Jan. 19-25: MTV Censorship Edition
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"SAS Hero weaponized farting in operation named 'goon baiting' to wind up Nazis". That's a real sentence. Copied word for word. In a newspaper (possible nsfw content on page)
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Mad Vlad orders strippers and pole dancers to be sent to the frontline for 'special morale parties' to mark the anniversary of the invasion of Ukraine. No word of rubles being sent to throw as too many are currently being used for soldiers eyes (possible nsfw content on page)
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Because the new GOP House Majority has nothing better to do, they're thinking of investigating AT&T and DirecTV for dropping Newsmax TV
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| Fri January 27, 2023 |
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Texas has a tough decision about how to spend its $32B surplus on its citizens. Here's a hint from Subby: Electric grid
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Conor McGregor TKO by a car while riding his bicycle
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Subby's cousin is dying. She takes the high road out and leaves soon, but has penned a book on dying well, as we all should. Hug your loved ones. Plugging her book here. She's a wonderful mother, grandmother, friend. Stay connected to those you love
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The wheels on the bus go into the house, into the house, into the house
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You know how some people get really, really defensive when you say something about them that's just a little too true for comfort? Joe Kennedy does
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College students now oppose lawn care
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You have a better chance of being killed in a red state. Which is preferable to living around the people in one
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By nuking Ukraine, I assume
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Good news for all those planning on their annual vacation to hurricane ravaged Sanibel Island. "flesh-eating bacteria no longer a problem"
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Good news for those who like the written word, John Steinbeck's Sag Harbor, Long Island house could soon become a writers retreat for both aspiring and established authors
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Florida bests Virginia in youngest school kid to be caught packing
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BuzzFeed says it will use OpenAI's ChatGPT to "enhance" its content and quizzes, stock jumps 150%. This truly brings us one step closer to Skynet
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Nutter that claims he's a 'time traveller from 2858' says 'human bones will be found on Mars' this year that will prove that human life originated on the red planet. Subby knows this isn't true because women are from Venus (possible nsfw content on page)
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Bed Bath and Beyond shares drop 20% on bankruptcy news. No coupon required
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| Thu January 26, 2023 |
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In unrelated news, Fark's servers are now liquid cooled
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Get a job you lazy Farks, so say the wingnuts at CBS News
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4PM Eastern - It's the Fark News Livestream with Drew, Christine, Dill & Lucky. Regenerated Anus Pooping Unicorn Asteroid Apocalypse edition
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Kimberly-Clark forecasts constipated growth but promises "mind-blowing" poop news is coming out
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January has been a bust. February is not looking too cold either. But increasingly nervous weather forecasters, snow shoveling and plowing businesses, swear the East Coast could still get serious snow in March. In other news, it was 51 in NYC today
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Headline: New e-mails link Hunter Biden to wife of recently arrested ex-FBI agent. Story: E-mails were from the lacrosse program that both their daughters participated in
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Justin Roiland is now the solar opposite of employed at Hulu
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So I built a third courthouse. That courthouse burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp
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Click on "Public" and then look for "Posted Comments". How many have you made on Fark? Subby clocks in at 4397
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Congress might investigate why DirecTV dropped Newsmax. Maybe it's because the right-wing channel wanted the satellite carrier to pay them a carriage fee
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"How much do hotel rooms for Super Bowl weekend cost? A lot." Thanks for that breaking news, USA Today
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Just when you thought the GOP could never produce a worse VP pick than Sarah Palin, you betcha a new candidate appears
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News: After exercise, beer may be better to have than sports drinks. Fark: Only non-alcoholic beer. D'OH
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"George Santos' new treasurer wants you to know he's not George Santos' treasurer"
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| Tue January 24, 2023 |
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Rick and Morty will be back, just without Rick or Morty
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Doing remote work but not living close to your "assigned" office? That's now a firing at TikTok
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News: Buttigieg approves $400M for "key link" to Port of Oakland. Fark: the Golden Gate Bridge. Ultrafark: with that level of SF awareness Buttigieg might not be gay
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Are horses being slaughtered on Florida farms? Neigh
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When you've lost Dan Abrams... Goodbye, America. 1776-2023 RIP
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Houston Texans considering uniform changes for next season. Still no word on changing out the guys wearing those uniforms for next season
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James Gunn to the Nerds: "Fark off. It won't wreck your suspension of disbelief if that AT&T lady plays both Squirrel Girl and Power Girl"
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No sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin mah bishket cutter
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So Soros hates Fox News so much he targets a weatherman and not the hosts of Fox & Friends, or Tucker or any of those other jerks
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Which is great news for HR as they're already too busy taking Friday off and telling you that your boss is your fault
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Yes, you enjoyed a snack and a win, but unfortunately, you're now forever known as "Potato Girl" because this made the news
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Owners of the most popular car in America, the Ford F-150, most associate themselves with the words 'powerful' and 'rugged,' even though they 'rarely or never' use their truck to haul stuff
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| Sat January 21, 2023 |
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Will Biden's documents be a subject of mockery? Who will portray George Santos? How will Update handle Alec Baldwin's charges? Will David Crosby be mourned? Sam Smith is the musical guest while the quirky Aubrey Plaza hosts. SNL, 11:30PM ET on NBC
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Noise Factor comes to you at 10:30PM ET and tonight is chock full of some new discoveries this week. RebelMatic, Pale Mare, Sanity Control, Chivo Negro, and more. Upcoming tour news, and a saucy number from a viral video that was here on Fark
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Newsweek pulls Trump's greatest hits out of the cutout bin. 'Oh Hillary' and 'Barak around the clock' don't stand the test of time. 'Biden my time' remix and 'My vaccinated heart' fail to chart
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News outlets sue for access to police bodycam evidence, are told the files are right next to the Epstein client spreadsheet
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Asian politics, world geography, weird British terms, and of course Florida Man are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, Jan 12-18: Sticky Situation Edition
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CNET pauses publishing AI-written stories after disclosure controversy. Using clickbait and affiliate links still OK
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News: Grizzlies players have to be separated from courtside Lakers fan. Fark: Courtside Lakers fan Shannon Sharpe
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Not news: Brothers play on different NHL teams. News: They play against one another for the first time. Fark: Both get high sticking penalties. UltraFark: on each other on the same play
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| Wed January 18, 2023 |
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Fark NotNewsletter: Please send eggs
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So you wanted to take a tropical vacation this winter from Saskatoon? Sunwing Airlines: TOO DAMN BAD
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Good news for the Bills: Damar Hamlin at facility almost daily. Bad news for the Bills: LB Baylon Spector is, too
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"When I was your age, television was called books." ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Inconceivable Edition
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Deepfake challenges and disruptions in wartime will only grow, warns Winston Churchill. In related news, Abraham Lincoln wants you to try harder
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Qantas's streak of not losing a passenger since December 13, 1951, is still intact after this mayday alert for an issue with the engine. Still the only airline that Ray Babbitt will fly
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Cut sales and QA to save costs, lose half your customers. Much genius, so many trails blazed
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"Ahit happens"
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AB remains in the news, and not for anything positive
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"Please state nature of the medical emergency. Side note: have you seen Sarah Connor?"
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News: Flight attendants caught smuggling 27 kg of a regulated substance into the Philippines. Fark: It was onions
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The law and order/fiscally conservative candidate: someone who knows where to find rent-a-thugs and how to chisel them down to $500 each for some light terrorism
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Kenny Loggins announces his final tour. In related news, Kenny Loggins was still touring
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Only 21-time Academy Award nominee in the Building
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Looking for credibility, the Bonesaw Golf Tour to team up with the network which brings you "Masters of Illusion"
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| Thu January 12, 2023 |
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We underestimate how much we're liked at work. Which is fine because being liked doesn't pay the bills
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Blockchain resurrects MoviePass. In other news, snakes eats tail
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Lisa Marie Presley rushed to Heartbreak Hotel
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"Tech's recent jettisoning of employees is driven more by market scrutiny of some of the bad ideas tech 'geniuses' have dumped money on in recent years - rather than economic fundamentals"
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Alex Jone's lawyer to Judge: Hey could you delay that 6-month suspension of my law license for incompetent lawyering? See, I have this really important criminal trial coming up where I'm defending a Proud Boy on 1/6 charges, and... Judge: LOL, no
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4PM Eastern - It's the Fark News Livestream with Drew, Christine, Dill & Lucky. General Armageddon Meth Pigeon Princess Di OnlyFans edition
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John Carpenter wanted to quit the business after working with "he shall not be named who needs to be killed. No, no, no, that's terrible. He needs to be set on fire." He's Chevy Chase, and you're not
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George Santos' lies now require a running list for tracking purposes
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News media almost kills Congressman George Santos
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Not news: Giannis Antetokounmpo had a double-double against the Hawks. Fark: His first career double-double when scoring in single digits
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Fox News has now merged the Biden Classified Documents Scandal with Hunter Biden's laptop. Now do Benghazi
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♫ Here comes the Money ♫ Here comes the Money -- Money money money money money money money ♫
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Wi nøt trei a rare earths mein in Sweden this yër?
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| Wed January 11, 2023 |
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All has no pants
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Fark NotNewsletter: In which Drew's kids react to old comedy
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Fat, angry Florida man threatens to eat Ham Rove
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Meme stock rally pushes shares bed, bath, and beyond all reasonable valuations
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The Yellow River lives down to its name
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"Ideas are easy. It's the execution of ideas that really separates the sheep from the goats." ― Sue Grafton. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, goats and sheep edition
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Former newspaper editor shares 12 dirty little "secrets" of political journalism that haven't been secrets for literally decades given the dozens of times we've all seen each of these in any given week
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Guessing the NIL check just cleared
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Humpty Dumpty is not an egg? This is shattering news
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The Deion Sanders era was to begin vs. Arizona State, but after Prime ran his big fat yapper about it, the NCAA nixed the game
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Now that the GOP has got what it needed out of "George Santos", disowning him like a campaign promise
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CNN: both sides are ba... hang on, we have breaking news, we're being told that these two things are not in fact the same
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Fox 'News' is back on the birther bandwagon
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Good news everybody. Animal sacrifice is back on the table*. *As long as the table is sterile and the city gets a week notice
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On this day in history, in 1964, the US Surgeon General announced a definitive link between smoking and cancer, would go on to investigate links between being stabbed and bleeding or destroying bathrooms after eating at Taco Bell
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Here's the thread where we talk about there being no winner in yesterday's Mega Millions drawing and make snarky comments about a tax on stupid people being applied again this week
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Day 322 of WW3: Fighting rages in the center of Soledar. The city was hit by Russian attacks hours after a surprise visit by German top diplomat Annalena Baerbock. It's your Wednesday Ukraine war discussion
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Today in "Every accusation is a confession", "Suspiciously specific denials", and "Trump spouts some nonsense": Trump Wildly Speculates Biden Gave Classified Docs to China Before Adding Denial No One Asked For: 'I Certainly Wouldn't Do That'
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Four coaches are permanently banned from the Nation Women's Soccer League for sexual, racial, and verbal abuse. In related news Saudi Arabia is looking into starting a women's soccer league
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| Tue January 10, 2023 |
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When DIY personalized license plates meet truth in advertising
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Bah GAWD King Th-That's Breach Of a Fiduciary Lawsuit's music And it's bringing a steel chair for Mister McMahon
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Are you illegally streaming Premier League games? I have some bad news for you
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Good news, everybody Homer's makeup shot gun is now a reality, get yours now and surprise your wife. Take care of her morning routine in a second by blasting her in the face before she even wakes up
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House Speaker McCarthy was forced to create "shadow document" that contains concessions made to Freedom Caucus members in writing...because the word of Speaker McCarthy is worth as much as the dirt on the boot of a January 6 insurrectionist
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Private school suddenly closes over "family dispute" leaving working parents frustrated, angry, without adequate childcare. If only local governments provided educational services for kids at little to no cost
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Good news, everybody. The ozone layer is on track to be fully recovered in 40 years. So after the oceans have swallowed the coastal cities and extreme weather has laid waste to everything else, we'll have that going for us, which is nice
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50 years ago, scientists sequenced a gene for the first time
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Can anyone confirm if this is true? Subby would check for himself, but it's nap time and there's so many apps that need updating and Bing has gotten so complicated. Why, I remember when nothing happened until the 11:00 news. I could curl up in my sha
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Man arrested for leaving package of dog poop at office front door of New Mexico State Police, missing comedy gold achievement by not setting it afire
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Surely they're not serious: Pentagon considers sending Stryker combat vehicles to Ukraine. They're an entirely different type of combat vehicle altogether. Russian troops are nervous, and not for the first time
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...and, in Future News, A Plainview, Connecticut family was found mauled in their living room
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| Thu January 05, 2023 |
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After crashing into a St. Louis store, driver blames speeding, bald tires, running out of gas, having no change for cab fare, losing his tux at the cleaners, locking his keys in the car, being in an earthquake, a flood, and locusts
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Some lucky Lucker won $15 million lottery ticket
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And so it starts...TBS drops Dana White's Power Slap for his power slap. Grab some popcorn and watch the flood of sponsors and advertisers of UFC follow suit
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F1 to Michael Andretti 2021: you no can haz. Andretti to F1 2023: ok, I'm bringing GM with. We cool?
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Cop detains and threatens Wall Street Journal reporter who was conducting interviews for a story. Why would a cop detain a WSJ reporter whe... oh, now I see why
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Flower that smells like death due to bloom in Adelaide after many years. Expected to go on a murderous rampage shortly after
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Six seasons and a Lego set?
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Fark NotNewsletter: You can't do Dry January when your house is flooded
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JUST LET IT DIE. Raze the buildings, salt the earth, and stone the involved venture capitalists but put it out of its(our) misery
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Romance novelist who committed suicide two years ago announces that it was actually her evil twin
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Celsius exchange fraudster Mashinsky: "Banks are not your friends." Bankruptcy judge: "not your crypto, deposits belong to Celsius"
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Woman finds teddy bear with human ashes inside. No word if it started talking in strange voices to her
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Sony and Honda cop Afeela
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Young Achievers Science and Math School fight club
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Good news, parents. You'll be able to trust the safety of the new $3,300 self-driving stroller being debuted at CES every bit as much you can trust a self-driving Tesla
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| Wed January 04, 2023 |
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Not news: Illicit opioid use is an epidemic. News: Community plans to build a treatment center. Fark: NIMBY
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"Great minds are always feared by lesser minds." ―Dan Brown, The Lost Symbol. Well, that explains why everyone's afraid of my Harry Potter Battlestar Galactica slash fic. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Minding Edition
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Red Lake considers a future without blood quantum. In other news, Marvel movies are getting really weird
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Couple uses hack so the right person sits in the adjoining seat while flying Southwest. In other news Southwest has actual seats on planes that people can occupy while flying between places. I must inform Charles Lindbergh of this development
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Residents call this guy the "neighborhood creep." You may not want to know what he allegedly called himself
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U.S. News and World Report's new list of the most influential countries is as accurate as its rankings of universities
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Fox News finds the House Speaker angle we all have been waiting for
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Expert has reasons why you shouldn't get your face tattooed
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Peace Like a River is a gospel song that has been recorded by a duet and is being released later this month. Oh...and the duet are Dionne Warwick and Dolly Parton
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McCarthy believes the 4th time is the charm while Jordan is ready to have him hit the showers. Fox News ponders why Biden can't form a functioning government. It's the Speaker Vote: Part Deux. 12pm ET on CSPAN
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Finally: a useful field guide to properly identify fellow farkers
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Good news, everybody. Maine's lobstermen have won their lawsuit over environmentalists, which means you'll be able to keep eating your sea cockroaches with butter and it's only gonna cost us all the existence of right whales
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Of course you know, this means war
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Hot tub crime machine?
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House GOP lives dangerously and with first move of power, removes gun detectors from Capitol, unconcerned about the possibility that in these heated times, during a contentious vote, they just may shoot an aye out
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| Tue January 03, 2023 |
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The name is Quicksilver. James Quicksilver. You didn't see that coming?
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In today's oddly specific news, the stolen vehicle fell 21.3 feet
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Fark's favorite sports analyst has some breaking news
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System Shock remake gets a March 2023 release date. Do you feel the fear swell inside that filthy bag of meat? What is it like, to be afraid?
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In a bit of good news, 2020 fundraiser created by Damar Hamlin has received millions of dollars in online donations since his injury
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Good news, everyone. Bitcoin will either go up 1,400% or plunge 70% this year. Adjust your retirement savings and YOLOs accordingly
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Six feet under the Earth, Wind and Fire
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D'oh! Chris Ledesma, music editor for The Simpsons, has died
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With hot young co-anchors in charge, PBS NewsHour is going all ups on your YouTubes and TikToks, making it easier than ever to fall asleep to important world news on your phone
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I'm guessing this one made a sound
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