headlines found matching 'News' NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Mon June 14, 2021 |
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Justice official resigns in wake of Democrat and media records seizure uproar, proving again why you don't mess with people's vinyl. It's got a warmer sound, man
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New York to throw ticker tape parade to honor essential workers. Parade to honor sanitation workers who have to clean up all that crap still unscheduled
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Leave it to The Hill to "raise questions" about "the suicide" of news anchor who "broke" the Big Bill/ Loretta Lynch tarmac meet up of some 5 years ago, anyway, before Hillary "lost" to Donald Trump, hmmm,... gee I wonder if,... nah
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Mall REIT files for Chapter 11 hoping to reimagine itself filled with condos, walking trails, pop-up shops, ax throwing bars, and gaming arenas
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India about to go laser eyes (possible nsfw content on page)
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| (Some Guy) |
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This is important, you guys
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10,000 Americans were asked how many meals they could make without looking at a recipe. The answer is good news for the restaurant industry
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Eagles sign former 49ers QB. No, not that one. Not that one, either
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A look at how the top hospitals in the US guarantee their patients are profit centers first
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In news that might have been interesting in 1998, 'Kingpin 2' is apparently in the works
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In great news for those who enjoy eating plastic: Vegan spider silk provides sustainable alternative to single-use plastics
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First new news channel in twenty four years launched in UK. They report terrorist known as V still at large but, as always, England prevails
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| Thu June 10, 2021 |
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College enrollment plummets by 727,000. In related news, beer sales are down 186,000,000 barrels
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After years spent whipping its viewers into a lunatic frenzy that culminated in the Jan. 6 insurrection, Fox News staffers were "distraught" when the network downplayed the Jan. 6 insurrection
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UK: We've got Covid under control. Nature: Surprise Monkey Pox. In other news, Surprise Monkey Pox is the name of my OMD tribute band
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Jim Acosta is correct: We ignore greenlights of Trump threads at our own peril
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Florida Man uses podcast to interview guy who ate his own foot. Asks, "what was that like?"
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| (It's All Marvel) |
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Bruce Campbell should play Mephisto in Doctor Strange 2
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Luxembourg: Amazon, we're gonna hit you with the largest-ever fine for breaking EU privacy laws. Amazon: Oh, OK. We just made that much in the time you took a breath *farts*
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Google and Facebook pledged $millions for local news operations- for three years. Then what? Let's listen in
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fine, so you want to cruise unvaccinated? Okay. Here's the bill for each of the daily tests we're going to administer so you can wander amongst the vaccinated masses
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The top priority of Attorney General Merrick Garland: A) Investigate Trump's failed insurrection attempt, B) Crack down of the nationwide surge in white nationalism, or C) Find out who leaked the news that billionaires pay almost no taxes
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Physicists want to put a particle collider on the moon. No word on how the whalers will react
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Anybody in these here parts ever use the car auction site Bring a Trailer?
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Not news: Republican state rep makes homophobic comment, anger ensues. News: Anger is from fellow Republicans. Fark: 29 out of 30 elected Republicans demand her resignation for comments. Bonus: Also demand resignation of party chair who defended her
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In other news, inflation is high and hitting U.S. consumers pretty good
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Pilot arrested for buzzing over, nosediving toward crowd at Gulf Coast Jam Saturday, all to advertise his flight school. Lucky cops didn't shoot him down
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| Wed June 09, 2021 |
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Fark NotNewsletter: Carb-free since 2014. Crab-free since this morning
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Its not news, it's just a billionaire demanding handouts for a stadium
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"A book is a loaded gun in the house next door...Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man?" ―Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, Pleasure to Burn Edition
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Slow news day at Page Six, eh?
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Kevin Nealon upset that a burglar broke in and stole a necklace containing some of Garry Shandling's ashes. In other news, Kevin Nealon had a necklace containing some of Garry Shandling's ashes
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Pint retires just as he's old enough to have one
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Active shooter at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas. Situation evolving. UPDATE: Lockdown lifted, investigation underway
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When your name is Brownson and you're hired by the Browns, you're expected to do Browns things
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"Are you saying OAN is not a credible news source?" Yes. I am saying exactly that
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She is running for city council in NYC but none of the newspapers in her home district will even publish her picture. Why? Because she's a SHE of course, and Orthodox Newspapers refuse to run any image of a woman
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Mormon sex therapist's ouster stirs worries of shame culture. In other news, there are Mormon sex therapists
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Stay with me on this one: A Fox News contributor said the Bidens are the "klan family" and Joe is the "imperial wizard" and we've gone to plaid
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Study shows people who have already been infected with COVID-19 gain no additional benefits from vaccination
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Hybrid Babies Born Across US screams the front page of Weekly World News, er, USA Today
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Florida Woman, Disneyland, snack foods, and kids books are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, May 23-29: Homemade Ice Cream Edition
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New York Times tries to cover up the fact that watermelons were found on Mars
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Delta decided its HQ should be in Chicago
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Apple, Android, Windows sittin' in a tree F-A-C-E-T-I-M-I-N-G
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| Mon June 07, 2021 |
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Stormy Daniels says she's offered to cooperate with prosecutors. Following that, she plans to get an expert in to fix the cable
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LA mayoral candidate running on public safety gets live demonstration at news conference
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Four members of a Muslim family killed in a premeditated attack in Ontario, Canada, with only a 9-year-old surviving the attack
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Hate to put the drowning trifecta into play here, but when you are in your 20s, don't go chasing waterfalls and end up a PSA
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The real news here is the Vatican has a space observatory
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Investment Tip of the Day: Should you invest in meme stocks? M m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m m No
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Staghorn ferns may be the first plants known to share, the news of which they wanted to share, obviously
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Even Fox News hosts are telling Joe Manchin he's an idiot
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Why is Jen Psaki so good at dealing with Fox News? Easy: as a State Department spokesperson, she regularly faced down bad-faith questions from Russian and Chinese propagandists
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If 70+ academic papers saying masks work didnt convince you, maybe a poll based on self-reported behavior will
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Good news on the pandemic front, it probably drove some strains of the flu extinct
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Professor of Constitutional Democracy is SHOCKED by distorted American history on the cover of a book. Weird, because his deconstruction is literally what it is like to watch every night of US tv news, as a non-USer. Read to see what we see every day
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Not News: Man creates anti-fog device for mask/glasses. News: Jerk did not call it Opti-Grab 2.0
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| Fri June 04, 2021 |
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The US Navy will christen a new, $360m Independence class LCS on Saturday. In unrelated news, the US Navy is decommissioning two Independence class LCS to cut costs
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Jerry Falwell, Jr. says that Liberty University's lawsuit is just an excuse to shame him, and that he's kinda into it
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Jared Bell of 'Drake and Josh' charged with crimes against a child. Agreed, the show is pretty bad, but really?
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01/07/2023: It Returns
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Not news: Road trip to the beach. Still not news: With your four-year-old sister. News: You have an accident ten miles into your road trip. Fark: You're nine years old
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FBI Director Wray compares cyberattacks to 9/11
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Bob Costas calls for Conservatives to oust the MAGA fringe and be strong and sane again
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Mob attacks Police Officers and Faux News is suddenly concerned
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Gavin Newsom devises brilliant plan to ensure the California Fark demographic votes for him in the upcoming recall election
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Polite Canadians currently recycle only 9% of their plastic waste. In Ontario, plastic producers will soon have to foot the entire recycling bill instead of splitting it with taxpayers. So, good news, right? Sorry, no
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| Thu June 03, 2021 |
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NIH director Collins has had enough of Fox News's bullshiat
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Fark NotNewsletter: Much like that rash on your whosis, Fark Friday Movie Night is back
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Touring bands, classic movies, new technology, and of course Florida Man are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, May 23-29: Polish Spareribs Edition
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Good News: College professor raises $200K to pay down children's school lunch debt. Bad News: Professor allegedly keeps $120K of the money. Fark: Professor teaches ethics at local college
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In news that might have been mildly interesting in 1987, Yngwie Malmsteen releases new single
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It's turtles, loons, and muskrats all the way down
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In other news, it gets hotter as we move into the summer months
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Only one in five Irish people admit to being on work Zoom calls in their underwear. In related news, apparently you're not supposed to do that
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Sinema travels with the enema
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Not news: outfielder and infielder collide on pop fly. Still not news: neither player catches the ball. WTFark: one of the injured players throws it in for a 6-5-4, inning-ending double play
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Elon Musk says that aliens should invade Earth to wipe out humanity. This is good news for the Earth-Trisolaris Organization
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Fox News calls Federal contracts to minority-owned businesses "reverse racism"
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Dick puts up signs. Signs offend people. Mayor tells Dick to remove signs. Don't be a Dick
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I'M ERIC kindly confirms Trump family receives subpoenas by the truckload, sheds delicious tears while doing so
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| Wed June 02, 2021 |
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News: Florida Man takes son on a "drive-by" with his paintball gun. Fark: Residents think it's a real drive-by and fire back with live rounds. Florida: Dad accidentally runs over son after the son is shot
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Fox News will be on HIGH ALERT. The Iranian high seas fleet will be off our East Coast any day now. The whole thing. Both ships
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The only crypto currency that has ever mattered soars on official adoption news
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Is there a Kidz Bop version of 'I fought the law'?
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In one of the more nonsensical moves in recent memory unless there is news that hasn't hit yet, the WWE announces that Titan Towers will be flipped upside down
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AMC theaters, a company with negligible revenue and more debt than Venezuela, is now up 2,000% this year on it's way to being the most valuable company in the entire universe
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CT leads the nation in percentage of the population fully vaccinated, percentage of the population willing to shoot holes in the State Capitol building
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CEO of Tyson Foods flies the coop after 8 months for "personal reasons," others say he was "chicken"
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Old man no longer blogs at clouds
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Are baseless conspiracy theories ruining your social media experiences?
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The Death Star is orbiting Mars and NASA somehow slipped up and missed censoring the photo of it that was taken by the Ingenuity helicopter. They are now scrambling to make up a better excuse than swamp gas reflecting the light from Venus
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GOP strategy for Election 2022? A war over race, or a race war? You decide
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A recent poll found nine in 10 people have experienced déjà vu before. In other news, a recent poll found nine in 10 people have experienced déjà vu before
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Seattle's $700 million downtown waterfront park will be ruined by "wokeness," breathlessly explains Fox News
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News anchor turned conspiracy theorist joins the race to make Arizona an even greater laughingstock
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| Tue June 01, 2021 |
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NATO restricts the access of Belarusian officials to NATO HQ in Brussels. In other unbelievable news Belarusian officials have had access to NATO HQ since 1998. Tag is for NATO allowing Putin access to its HQ
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Las Vegas celebrates full reopening, a return to spreading all the other viruses it used to
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Buzzfeed News FOIA's 3,200 of Fauci's emails from last year. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll bang your head on something in frustration, you'll want to throw your computer out the window
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June 1st is here, and that means it is time to ramp up the Aaron Rodgers trade speculation. Where will he suit up this year (or will he at all)? Link goes to SI trade rumors
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Good news everyone: Because we've 100% eradicated Covid-19, people have stopped testing and we're all going back to normal. Wait, that might not be such great news everyone
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Texas Rapper L'il Loaded known for the hit single "6locc 6a6y" has died at age 20, oddly enough, not in a drive-by committed by a posse of outraged English teachers and grammarians
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Good news, at least it's not Chicago style. Pizza Hut is bringing back 'The Edge' pizza from 1997
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Republicans fear Trump hanging around and not going away will lead to a "lost generation" of talent. In related news: The Republican Party has people in it with talent?
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Yacht owner who got screwed trying to sell his boat to Matt Gaetz details all the monkey business that went on. "Thirsty"
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A recent poll found nine in 10 people have experienced déjà vu before. In other news, a recent poll found nine in 10 people have experienced déjà vu before
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When will Pink Floyd release a new mix of "Animals?" When pigs fly. In other news, pigs have been spotted flying about the Battersea Power Station
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| Fri May 28, 2021 |
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Wanna go see a live NHL hockey playoff game? Got a couple of grands to spare? Boy have I got some news for you
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| (Some Guy) |
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Urine the jungle, baby
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Twins 3rd baseman Josh Donaldson to release video catalog of cheating pitchers. Next week news, Josh Donaldson's lifeless body found submerged in trashcan of liquid horse steroids
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Bad news for those of you thinking about moving to Boise. Beyond the fact that you're thinking about moving to Boise, I mean
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New Covid safety measures have bars in the UK worrying they'll sell 21,000,000 less pints of beer going forward
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Pandemic unemployment hits a new low thanks to Biden's strong economic recovery
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How about some good COVID news: Two new studies show that immunity might last years
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Meet the former teacher who makes a career out of writing nazi propaganda
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If, for you, the worst thing about the pandemic was that there were no more free samples at Costco, I've got some good news
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There's turning yourself in to the police and then there's renting a helicopter to pick you up from your mountain hideaway and feasting on champagne and oysters on your way to turning yourself in
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Matt Gaetz tried to buy a 'yacht' had it repainted, then said the money was stolen once he'd wired it to the owner. Fark: Had already changed the name of the boat to 'Thirsty'
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NBC scatters Debris to the wind
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Good news. Rolls Royce can now custom build you a special Rolls if you are not enthralled by the vehicles they offer to the hoi polloi
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Cicada News Network
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White House tells former Trump appointees who lost their jobs when Biden took office: You seriously need to get over it complainers
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| Thu May 27, 2021 |
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Scientists are trying to shed light on Hawaii's ghost net problem. In related news, Hawaii is haunted by ghost nets
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Old and Busted: The Kardashians. And I literally mean that. New hotness...okay, well maybe not new, but close enough: the Thornes
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News: Americans warn Trudeau that his nuclear fuel plans will be a nuclear weapons threat. Fark: Trudeau's plans are to recycle spent CANDU reactor nuclear fuel for use in Moltex reactors, to dramatically reduce nuclear waste
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6:30 PM Eastern - it's the Fark News Livestream, Cicada Lab Escape Sex Doll Steinbeck Werewolves Edition
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...And in other news, stocks are down sharply in early trading for makers of prosthetic thumbs
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London's West End, 80s music, fast food, and social media influencers are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, May 9-15 Himalayan Salt Edition
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"Israel's operation against Hamas was the world's first AI war." In related news: AIs don't like the Associated Press and roads that lead to hospitals
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Not news: baserunner gets into a rundown. News: between home and first. Fark: allows time for a run to score. Ultra Fark: and then makes it to second
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Good news: woman gets a sperm donor who's a doctor. Bad news: the doctor who inseminated her
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Food tab is holding Business tab's hair while it throws up in the Sheetz bathroom at the thought of the new strawberry and banana milkshake beer. Ought to be a PSA to stay away, but Business is not looking too good. Food says let News take it
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SoftBank, notorious for their propping up of WeWork, is now backing a European consumer short-term credit firm called Klarna, which is also backed by Snoop Dogg. So if the Dutch want to pay for their tulip bulbs in installments, they can
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9 years and $365 million later, Star Citizen unable to successfully launch an elevator
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Newsmax lashes out against General Mills' "gay Lucky Charms leprechaun" and says Kelloggs is also forcing children to be "confused about their gender". Someone has issues
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Move over big chip guy. Here's bigger chip guy
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Governor Lex Luthor of Nebraska finds out that his "The Cruelty's The Point" policy only goes so far
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Balls aren't the only thing getting ripped off at the annual Testicle Festival. In other news, apparently there's an annual Testicle Festival
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McDonald's hates to raise wages so much that it would rather give away free iPhones to attract workers instead
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"Alan Dershowitz Sues Netflix for $80 Million Over 'Deliberately One-Sided' Jeffrey Epstein Documentary Series". In other news, Alan Dershowitz apparently thinks there are "two sides" to the Epstein story
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| Wed May 26, 2021 |
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These "Kids" need to schedule colonoscopies, but this is good news nonetheless
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Japan's top newspaper: "オリンピックをキャンセルする"
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Not just another conspiracy theory, QAnon is actually disappearing from mainstream public social media platforms
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Ex-NYPD cop, murderer, and Fox News contributor Pat Brosnan has identified the culprit in the San Jose shooting. Vaccines
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Fark NotNewsletter: What do vaccinated Kentuckians do for Memorial Day weekend?
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Elizabeth Taylor's ex-husband has died. No not him, nor him, nor him ... yeah, I know it's a long list. Probably quicker to click the link
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Too much hummus can be bad for you
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Bannon's attorney Bob Costello says judge's decision to dismiss the criminal charges due to the President's pardon was correct because Bannon "has never been found guilty of anything, and he's not guilty", forgetting the "pardon implies guilt" part
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Funiculi, Funiculaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh
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Florida man takes news of grand jury convening as well as you'd expect
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I don't think anyone has ever said OAN is credible, let alone a "news" source
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25% of Americans admit the truth. The other 75% can brag all they want, but NO ONE is good at parallel parking, now matter what you might think
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News: Man busted for possession of child porn is released pending trial. Fark: Same man busted again for possession of child porn. Facepalm: Not using seven boxies. Instead; one DropBoxie
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| Mon May 24, 2021 |
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The GOP had values?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Obvious: Qevin McCarthy shouldn't be speaker of the house, Fark: oh shiat Bobert wants the job, Florida: Gaetz endorses Bobert
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John Oliver: I'm sure making a bogus product with a plain blanket touted to cure vaginal issues with tech "developed in Germany 80 years ago" wouldn't pass muster for morning news programs, would it? Austin, SLC, and Denver: Just pay us and shill
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John Oliver: I'm sure making a bogus product with a plain blanket touted to cure vaginal issues with tech "developed in Germany 80 years ago" wouldn't pass muster for morning news programs, would it? Austin, SLC, and Denver: Just pay us and shill
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The Mercury News asks the hard-hitting question -- what's causing the drought? "Lack of Rain" strangely absent
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New York and Maryland have now created vaccine lotteries
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If Tyerune is found shot to death and Doug and Jasmine are suspects, than X equals the arrest of middle school math teacher Martesha. Investigators will solve for Y
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Done before: Man attempts to run down cops with car. New: In the police station. In other news, Havre de Grace has moved closer to Baltimore than when subby lived there
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| (Another Angry Nerd) |
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Someone has a problem with Spanky's
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Not news: Talk show host laments woke culture's affect on humor with comedian. News: In 1967. Fark: The comedian (Groucho Marx) sides with woke (Timestamp 29:27)
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Not news: flopping to draw a foul. News: while on the bench. Fark: after you've already fouled out of the game
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"My mother has turned into a crazed conspiracy theorist and she's not listening to reason, just OAN and Fox News and Newsmax. How can I save her?"
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| Fri May 21, 2021 |
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NASA releases cool aerial shot of alien vehicle roaming the planet
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Gavin Newsom's guardian angel is Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, who is shelling out cash to protect the embattled governor
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Another benchmark met on turning real life into Snow Crash
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IOC vice president announces Tokyo Olympics will go ahead even if Covid-19 state of emergency is still in effect. That is exciting news for everybody in the doping business and the two dozen people who are still interested in the Olympic Games
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Drunk broadcaster's incoherent news report from the 1930s goes viral. Drew was this your grandfather?
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Alex Rodriguez launches makeup for men. Ichiban spokesperson Joseph Tribbiani unavailable for comment
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Bitcoin crashes below $40,000 on news that the digital Beanie Babies are growing less popular with the cool kids. Diamond hands once again proves a poor investment strategy
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Hey guys, you know what sticks up into the skyline of most towns, contains a mixture of carcasses and feces and is very, very rarely cleaned?
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Good news lonely singles, the White House has "teamed up" with nine of the country's biggest dating apps to make algorithms that gives you a better shot at hooking up if you're vaxxed
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Hollywood has heard your pleas, and will be releasing "Hocus Pocus 2" with the original stars including Bette Midler. Don't forget to say thank you, America
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Good news, everybody. If IHOP was just too stinkin' fancy for your dining enjoyment, they've got a new spin-off restaurant, "Flip'd by IHOP," that gives you a "fast casual" experience instead
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Free-market, anti-tax, anti-worker club is livid that the government won't solve their IT problems
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Don't keep farking that chicken
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| Thu May 20, 2021 |
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Shatner reveals recent press reports announcing he's 90 years old are fake CNN news, and he's really a 55-year-old cowboy
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Not news: UNC denies tenure to journalism prof. News: First time ever tenure wasn't offered to the person in this particular Chaired position. Fark: she's a MacArthur fellow who won a Pulitzer Prize for leading the NYT's "1691 Project"
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News: The intern who helped keep Gabrielle Giffords alive will now run for her seat. Fark: He'll be running against the trauma surgeon who operated on her that day
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Showing they learned their lesson after writing snarky, dismissive editorials on Trump's 'unqualified' run for President, the Daily News writes a snarky, dismissive editorial on Andrew Giuliani's 'unqualified' run for Governor
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Today's Slatesplanation: All the "Girls5eva" Easter Eggs you missed. In other news, there's something called "Girls5eva." Also, it has Easter Eggs
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What do you do with leftover meal points after classes go remote? Spend hundreds of dollars of them to help feed the homeless
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7 PM Eastern - it's the Fark News Livestream, Duke Sucks Butts Falling Off Bees edition
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Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian
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Q: Why are so many people more afraid of dying from a shark attack or fiery plane crash than cancer or COVID? A: Because we're very, very stupid when it comes to understanding/calculating odds. See also, "lottery ticket buyers" and "crypto investors"
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The phone systems in prisons are major profit sources and kickbacks and reform is needed. And it's a fairly fascinating insight into how profit works when it comes to prisons
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Berserk has another Day of the Black Sun it won't recover from. Kentaro Miura passes away at 54 years young
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Researchers find the origins of a colony of monkeys in south Florida. In other news, there is a colony of monkeys in south Florida
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The NY Daily News comments on Trump's little lapdog Mitch protecting him and peeing on the Jan 6th commission in their usual, understated way
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♬ See you in September. See you when the summer's through for your Covid booster shot
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I have some grave news : 250 new tombs have been discovered in Egypt. Well, I say "new", but what's a few thousand years between friends?
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Singapore slings "correction direction" upon fake news disseminators like Facebook, Twitter, and forums, warns them not to let users refer to latest Covid-19 variant as the Singapore Strain
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Amateur Bitcoin traders describe the horrors of the recent selloff. "I woke up at 4 a.m. I checked Robinhood, finally went back to sleep, woke back up again, checked Robinhood, and then I got on Reddit"
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I mean, who doesn't want a Cher biopic?
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| Wed May 19, 2021 |
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Fox News says Dominion's lawsuit against them should be dismissed because "both sides"
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Fark NotNewsletter: Retiring? OhFark!
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San Jose, CA wants to set up "Humanitarian Zones" for homeless campers. Space station captains and crew welcomed, but just don't start a riot
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Orioles finally catch a break with news that Chris Davis will miss the rest of the season after undergoing hip surgery
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Fox News learns about "local mask rules" while Biden mockery backfires
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Thanks, Obama
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The UK's Princess Beatrice announces she's expecting, but being 11th in line to the throne, the little one has practically no chance at being a Queen Bea
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According to the article headline, the 1/6 commission is ideal in its current form
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Paul Mooney still thinks Wayne Brady makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, but from beyond the grave
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Lowes beats numbers, falls on news it's not Home Depot
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In other news, Osiris plays on Jupiter
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From the realms of the unexpected: Alcohol-free Irish pub to open in Abu Dhabi. Isn't that just a cafe?
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Ozzy Osbourne calls wife Sharon the "mizzt inravimgapigeon" he's ever met
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Breaking into a car? Not really news. Breaking into a car owned by a UFC Heavyweight fighter? That's news ... and a serious butt whipping
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Sharon Stone just can't stop the release of the XXX Basic Instinct. There's no way, this film just can't be released, it will ruin her. Oh, can't somebody please stop the release of XXX Basic Instinct? She can't do it alone. Somebody, please
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This will end well. Again
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"Everything looked normal for the first time in a long time" - Happy guy pays every diner's bill and tips all waiters $500
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"Everything looked normal for the first time in a long time" - Happy guy pays every diner's bill and tips all waiters $500
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Not news: You can buy a motorcycle airbag for $400. Fark: Plus $12/month for a subscription, without which the airbag is worthless
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Man in Fargo attacks live news crew. Fargo trifecta now complete
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Good news, Farkers: Any alcohol consumption is bad for your brain. Oh, wait, that's bad news. Subby doesn't brain too good for some reason
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