headlines found matching 'News' NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Wed June 03, 2020 |
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Fark NotNewsletter: How Trump's Twitter tantrum affects Fark
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7pm Eastern - it's the Fark Livestream News Summary. There were 10 lesser apocalypses in the news cycle in the past 24 hours including mutant ticks and Giant Meteor(s) 2020. Come find out what the other 8 are. Plus important and fun stuff
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His Orangeness to news organizations: I hereby DEMAND that you correct your stories about me using tear gas on civilians for my Bible photo op. HEREBY DEMAND. News organizations: Uh, we hereby talked to the CDC, and they hereby said it was tear gas
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Great news for millions of unemployed Americans, Wall St is booming so at least there will something to loot
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Screaming, drunk resident with barking dog doesn't understand citation for noise disturbance, begins stomping on her floor and pounding on the walls. In other news, apartment for rent, cheap
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| (Some Guy) |
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Good news, one supposes: ADP projects US lost *only* 2.76 million jobs in May
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ACLU to police: "RELEASE THE LAWYERS"
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GameStop locations that had 10 copies of Fallout 76 before looting started found they now had 40 after the dust settled
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If you don't know already, the trademark holder for the Ford Mustang named Eleanor in the Gone in 60 Seconds movie series will sue your ass down to the bone and even take your rolling chassis away if you even think of infringing
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| Fri May 29, 2020 |
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Derek Chauvin has been arrested days later than necessary
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Derek Chauvin has been arrested days later than necessary
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Good news for wetnoses everywhere. Winston, the Chapel Hill pug, did not have the Coronavirus. Duke still sucks
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Fox News: "Well sure, Trump 'may' have promoted violence against the rioters, BUT DID YOU SEE WHAT TWITTER DID?"
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Morning rituals: make coffee, grab the newspaper, step out back to admire the sunrise, look at the moose in your pool, listen to the bi- wait, what?
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Police called in to control crowds as beer is once again available in Mexico. It's not news, it's Fark.mx
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pastor believes Gov Northam is a very naughty boy, and isn't afraid to tell it. On the sign outside his church
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Covid take me away, the Sonic the Hedgehog movie is getting a sequel
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| Thu May 28, 2020 |
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In related news, viewers who successfully complete 64-hour Derek Jeter marathon on MLB Network will receive free gift basket
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Thursday. I hope y'all are thirsty, because the news has been enough to drive one to drink today. Welcome to the MSNBC Primetime discussion, starting at 8 PM Eastern
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Drew and Dallan are back at 6 p.m. Eastern with the Fark Livestream News Summary - today featuring, among other things, new Swiss guidelines for sex workers, fantastic face tattoos, and chonky animals. And a COVID-19 update, probably
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Thousands of NJ businesses prepared to go rouge if they are not allowed to open by June 1, except for Frenchtown where businesses will go moulin rouge
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Oh, shiat. SHIAT? Issue a press release
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The Good News is that the unemployment numbers are stabilizing. The Bad News is that this is NOT good news
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This will probably not shock you, but the head of UFC is an asshole. At least he knows how to take advice from smarter people
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Fark NotNewsletter: It's harder than it looks 👀
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U.S. GDP contracted 5% in first quarter instead of 4.8%. In other news, you gained 12, not 10 pounds in lockdown
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On this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd recounts his Cannonball Run from NYC to Tampa in a U-Haul and Drew explains that when Kentucky Governor Beshear says he's not afraid of the Flu Klux Klan, it's because he's got the literal firepower to back it up
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Otherwise pedestrian Mediate clickbait piece notable only for the massively-arrayed derp of the comments, which - like mindless clockwork - hit every single one of the right wing talking points. Check out "johnfored" (nice bot name) and "his" list
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If you had Advantage as the next rental car company file bankruptcy, pickup your prize on row K #25
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Coming soon: Fox News viewership linked to use of hydroxychloroquine and deaths (scary tags and facepalm tag both deferred to obvious)
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| Wed May 27, 2020 |
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Lawn Guyland's legendary Boardy Barn meat market bar gets ready for the 2020 season. Your dad is still dealing with the STD he picked up there in 1985, so COVID preparedness should be no problem
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You get almost everything else from Amazon, might as well get your news too
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You get almost everything else from Amazon, might as well get your news too
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Moderna executives have cashed out $89 million in shares this year, as stock price has soared on vaccine news. Not an actual vaccine, merely a roadmap up to and including a Phase 1 trial
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Drew and Dallan are back with the Fark Livestream News Summary - all the news you need, some you don't, and did China fall for an Onion article about meatpacking plants grinding up sick employees? We report, you decide - 3pm Eastern
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It will be sunny in Philadelphia for a record-breaking fifteenth season
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In a shocking turn of events, Biden receives the endorsement of the AFL-CIO
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| Tue May 26, 2020 |
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Alex Ovechkin wins Maurice 'Rocket' Richard Trophy for record ninth time after tying David Pastrnak for the league-lead in goals with 48. In other news, the NHL season is over
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TV shows, foreign food, and social media influencers are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, May 3-9 Memorial Day Edition
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The Tuesday Night Science Channel Discussion Thread, 9PM Eastern
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Falcons now have 17 former first-round picks on roster, almost all of whom were released by other teams for some reason
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Falcons now have 17 former first-round picks on roster, almost all of whom were released by other teams for some reason
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California church asking Supreme Court to block Gov. Gavin Newsom's restrictions on in-person church services. Matthew 6:6 surrenders
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New study finds that if you start to experience the loss of smell it could indicate that you will be getting a more mild case of coronavirus. Hitler's dog relieved
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Kevin Federline prevented Britney Spears from seeing her sons until she self-quarantined for two weeks. In other news, anyone remember Kevin Federline?
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The oldest piece of gum is 9000 years old, archaeologists found it under your mom's bedside table
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Instagram baker has tasty yet healthy chocolate brownie recipe with a special secret ingredient that makes it transcendent and amazing: tinned black beans. Oh wow
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People reeaaally hate the stupid Hulu catchphrase commercial
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| Mon May 25, 2020 |
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Like Microsoft and Apple before them, Chrome developers discover that the vast majority of their more important security vulnerabilities stem from using "memory unsafe" programming languages like C. This is good news... for Rust
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I never said I was moving the RNC convention out of Charlotte, fake news, fake news
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NSFW language in a major news outlet talking about the chances for coronavirus vaccines. Finally, time to update the fark filter
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Fox News host bravely calls for the end of social distancing and the reopening of schools while sitting at home in his mother's basement
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Trump's vote-by-mail fear destroyed live on-air--by Fox News
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| (Health News Review) |
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The three kinds of COVID stories you shouldn't put too much stock in, especially for modmins who...dammit, they're drinking again and greenlit the lot of them, didn't they? RELEASE THE ANECDOTES
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| (Health News Review) |
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The three kinds of COVID stories you shouldn't put too much stock in, especially for modmins who...dammit, they're drinking again and greenlit the lot of them, didn't they? RELEASE THE ANECDOTES
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| (Some Guy) |
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Old and busted: trampoline in your garden after high winds. New hotness: illuminated bed stuck to the side of your house
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| (Some Guy) |
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Old and busted: trampoline in your garden after high winds. New hotness: illuminated bed stuck to the side of your house
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Good news for the anti-globalists: Thanks to the coronavirus, the end of the new world order is now upon us
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In the time of COVID-19, Florida people do Memorial Day weekend as you expect Florida people to do
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| Thu May 21, 2020 |
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UK newspapers no longer have to publish bad news
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Star Wars' 'pink shorts boom guy' Ken Nightingall dies aged 92. Willrow Hood surrenders
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Sort of news: Dolphins fire offensive coordinator after offense is too hard to learn. FARK: The Patriots' offense
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You know things are messed up when Dennis Rodman is as good a news source as any regarding North Korea
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Fapping in station cars to child pornography is no way to cover the news Lester
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In rare GOOD Covid news, the CDC has a very effective treatment for the version killing kids (MIS-C). Of a test group of 33, the mortality rate was 0 percent, and 82 percent had been discharged from the hospital
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Drew and Dallan are back at 4pm Eastern with today's Fark Livestream News Update - everything you need to know, some things you don't, and the fantastic return of the Cuomo Brothers sitcom with the episode "What did Andrew really shove up his nose?"
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Her cellphone number used to be Elon Musk's. I hope she answers with "Hello, and welcome to Moviefone Press one if you'd like to hear"
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More details on the Batwoman story. Ruby wasn't harassed into quitting. She wasn't afraid of getting injured again. She just didn't like the role and was a pain in the ass to work with
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Meanwhile, in Texas, police ask local TV news stations to broadcast a decapitated head. It is not on the back of a turtle
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This story was so over-the-top evil, I assumed it was actually a rare case of left-wing "fake news." Then I googled it
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| Tue May 19, 2020 |
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Eminem interested in taking on DMX in rap battle style format on Instagram Live.. In other news, Eminem is 47 years old
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Newsweek recognizes Fark founder Drew Curtis as the new, more accurate Sylvia Browne
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Thumbs up
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The Tuesday Night Science Channel Discussion Thread, 9PM Eastern
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Walmart to cancel its online shopping site that was supposed to compete with Amazon. In other news, Walmart apparently had some kind of online shopping site for the last 4 years
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Future newspaper said The Flash goes missing DURING the Crisis, but he's gone missing well AFTER it (because season is over for now). Stargirl to the rescue in her debut on The CW at 8PM EDT, then the Legends get a literal taste of immortality at 9PM
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President Morbidly Obese calls his successor a waste of time. Just because she'll be alive to take my job doesn't mean she knows what's she's doing
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Unsure of how to practice social distancing? Here's the Social Distancing Skunk Ape to the rescue
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Roger Daltrey: "I'm not moaning about anything, but equally as a 76-year-old, I'm not going to be told by anybody to stay in. Go f*** yourselves. We can't wrap ourselves in cotton wool." In other news, younger Farkers ask; "WHO"? (possible nsfw content on page)
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GenCon cancelled for the first time in 50 years
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Don't EVER accuse Irish football fans of being Irish in these coronavirus times
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Neil Cavuto addresses the hydroxychloroquine idiocy, warns Fox News viewers it will kill them
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Microsoft president admits the company was on 'the wrong side of history' on open source software. Well, it's a start
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Fark and Schnitt podcast drop day is moving to Wednesday folks, new one coming tomorrow. Last episode we interviewed Brooke Binkowski from Truth or Fiction about Plandemic and Jacob Wohl
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Finally some good news: A large group of Americans is already immune to coronavirus. Hooray. We have done it, now we can safely re-ope...excuse me, I skipped a word there: they are immune to EVIDENCE on coronavirus. Sorry, my bad
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Hurricanes are getting stronger, Leon's getting larger
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Old news: Outside prosecutor brought in to consider charges against the men who killed Ahmaud Arbery . New News: and also, an outside JUDGE to hear the case
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Zoinks, Scoob, it looks like some people just can't move on
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| Mon May 18, 2020 |
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Hmm 30 minutes before the next online meeting. I guess I could get prepared .... or I could have some fun and pull off a virtual bank robbery in this escape room. 20 minutes huh, gotta go
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It only took eight weeks for John Krasinski to run out of good news
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Senator Elizabeth Warren speaks out on death of her brother from coronavirus, says it didn't have to happen
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Escaped inmate recaptured after police able to follow his contrail
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Dow up 840 points, or 3.5%, on news that coronavirus will not impact the wealthy
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Britain says anyone who develops a lack of taste will need to self-isolate. So bad news, Manchester United fans
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That's not your ear ringing, it's just the dogwhistle coming from Fox News
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In Florida, 83% of those who died from COVID-19 virus were 65, older. In other news, estate sale bargains are through the roof
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| Sat May 16, 2020 |
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PSA: When the three year old asks to pet you and your wife's dog, you should just keep walking, unless you really want to be arrested for attempted kidnapping, perp-walked on the evening news, and run out of the town that you were born and raised in
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Evoking 90s nostalgia, Kellogg's unveils Pop-Tarts Frosted Confetti Cake Bites, "blinged out with edible glitter"
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To sum up: Trump has fired the FBI chief and deputy and four IGs for investigating his crimes, the DoJ chief for not blocking the coverups, and multiple intel officials for not lying about his crimes. Nothing to see here. All is normal
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We have cameras and YouTube now, we don't need you to tell us what is going on
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If you're wondering what happened to your trench roller, your skid-steer loader or your hot air balloon gondola, Santa Fe police may have good news for you
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News: Arsonist on the loose in Minneapolis. Fark: With a flamethrower
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University of Illinois students line up at local watering hole for masks-optional cold beer and hot COVID-19
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| Fri May 15, 2020 |
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Astrid Kirchherr passes away. Oh well, there goes the 'That Seventies Show' reunion we've all been waiting for
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After nearly two months of tough sacrifice, hipster finally gets to show off his top hat in the news
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Russia's coronavirus deaths may be higher than reported, according to exclusive reporting from the Ric Romero Institute for Timely News
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Food sales, food shortages, food excesses, weird food flavors, and of course Florida Man are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, April 26-May 2: Dead Chunk of Tree Edition
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Matt Damon is trapped in Ireland quarantine and he's bloody luvin' it. Maaaatt Ooo'Daaaammmmmonnn
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"What will happen if Trump loses and then takes to Twitter to say he actually won? It's not hard to see how deadly that could become, particularly given that Fox News personalities are already absurdly throwing around the word 'coup'"
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"China is threatening to meddle in the upcoming U.S. presidential election...." Wait. Have they gotten permission from the Russians to do this?
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Fake noob thanks fake news for fake news while threatening fake news with fake news
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Guns, nooses, and Meal Team Six make up the Flu Klux Klan
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Go get em, Joe
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Wisconsin nurse goes full Wisconsin with news crew at bar after virus restrictions tossed out
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| Wed May 13, 2020 |
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Let's see how Ohio's worker reporting website is holding up... OMG 4 h4x0R KILl3d i7 PWn3d
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Masks not required in Oklahoma courthouse, briefs still OK
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Drew and Dallan are back at 7pm eastern with the Fark Daily News Summary. We'll cover what's important, what's not, and moms flashing boobs at babies on Tik Tok among other things
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Sen. Hirono: "He can't handle women, particularly strong women, and we know that Trump is xenophobic, and it comes out time and again"
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Chris Cuomo calls out the elitists at Fox News being okay with another 10,000 dead of Coronavirus
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Group runs anti-Trump ad on Fox News. "Our nation's founders fought a war to get rid of a king. So when they wrote our Constitution, they designed a government in which everybody ― even Trump― must obey the law." Difficulty: Republican group
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In other news, Valerie Bertinelli is 60
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In case you aren't a law-talking guy you should know that Judge Sullivan's order requesting "amicus briefs" in the Flynn case and declining the prosecution's request to drop charges is HIGHLY unusual....and bad news for Flynn
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The Mandalorian has enrolled at Greendale
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So you have a Canadian girlfriend? Hold my beer and watch this
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Good news everyone, you can buy your very own robot murder dog for only $900
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| Tue May 12, 2020 |
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Coach Quinn contemplating kicking competition, causing Koo consternation
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Coach Quinn contemplating kicking competition, causing Koo consternation
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Fox News tells its employees to continue working from home for at least another month -- as its hosts call for stay-at-home orders to be lifted and for people to go back to work
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The Tuesday Night Science Channel Discussion Thread, 9PM Eastern
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Chickens. Not just for choking anymore
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New antibody data suggests that Ohio's first case of Covid-19 was in early January. Vintage tag because that was, like, ages ago, man
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Rob Liefield is doing everything he can to make sure he's not invited to work on Deadpool 3
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Vice President Pence receives good news as prayers are answered
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Meanwhile in Russia: Overloaded ventilator bursts into flames and kills five coronavirus patients
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Not news: Police initiate traffic stop knowing driver doesn't have license, pursuit ensues. News: Car wrecks, police pull driver from car, it's the wrong driver. Fark: Police cruiser and pulled over vehicle both catch fire
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| Sun May 10, 2020 |
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I roll to disbelieve in the existence of an official My Little Pony/Dungeons and Dragons crossover product. *natural 1* Well crap, I roll to submit it to Fark for greenlighting
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Good news: Trump's 100,000 ventilators are coming in only a week behind schedule. Better news: We don't need them
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| (Some Guy) |
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MealTeamSix goes to a Subway sandwich shop
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Vice President Pence not self-isolating after positive aide's test
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hush, y'all; Subby didn't wait this time. New threat in the "A Secret Kept from all the Rest" season finale of BATWOMAN at 8PM EDT, then siblings set aside differences and Kara takes on Leviathan on "The Missing Link" on SUPERGIRL at 9PM, both on The CW
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Dr. Birx goes full Trump
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Health officials say if you really want to show love to your mom on Mother's Day, just stay the fark home
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In news that will shock absolutely no one, Floridians are going full Florida. You should never go full Florida
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Somehow Fox News doesn't see anything wrong with reporting a "call to arms about Dems" because (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) that's just a simple turn of phrase and (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) doesn't really mean anything
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News: One of the two Starbucks across the street from each other that inspired a Lewis Black rant has closed. Not News: The other Starbucks is still open. Fark: As is the Starbucks inside the Barnes & Noble next door
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Article says that contagion in the White House would be catastrophic and threaten national security. I disagree
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| Thu May 07, 2020 |
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George Conway shares just why the president lashes out at him and others who point out his flaws, though he doesn't tell us just what kind of couch he sleeps on
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Drew and Dallan are livestreaming the Fark Daily News Summary at 7pm tonight. Come for the news you need, stay for the monkey videos
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Thirsty Thursday is upon us and goodness knows the news today is enough to drive a soul to drink. So, grab a cold one and join us in the MSNBC Primetime thread, starting at 8 PM Eastern
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Joe Biden poised to disrupt campaign conventions from his basement and become the hottest bad boy in the media game
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Nick Price says caddie was joking about being drunk during his record-setting round at the 1986 Masters. It's not as if someone could pitch a no-hitter while tripping on LSD
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Good news for all of you who still have a job and a 401k, the Nasdaq is back in positive territory for the year
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Fox News is determined to get people killed
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Fark NotNewsletter: A Fark status update, plus - is Drew a time traveler?
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Data center reveals it modeled interiors on The Hunt for Red October sets. ping -c 1
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"This is the role I was born to play," says Macaulay Culkin of his American Horror Story character, which will have "crazy, erotic sex" with Kathy Bates's character. Well, there's always the murder hornets
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Wacky Japanese food, video games, and an excessive amount of pop culture are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, April 19-25: Martha Stewart Edition
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Netflix green-lights Shadowrun-Lite 2
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Great news for everyone depressed by the pandemic: Cleveland Browns single-game tickets go on sale today
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Sarah Palin says, let me get in on this anti-science crapola. I love stupid
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| (Some Guy) |
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The International Canoe Federation is making plans to ensure it's not stranded up Cancelled Olympic Creek. In other news, there's an International Canoe Federation
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News: Earl Thomas held at gunpoint. Fark: by his wife. TotalFark: because he was cheating. UltraFark: with his brother
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Not News: male peacock struts with giant tail feathers. Fark: Those male peacocks can actually fly?
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| Wed May 06, 2020 |
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Drew and Dallan are bringing the Fark Daily Livestream news update at 5pm eastern today. What's important, not important, overlooked, and video of farting Gorillas. There's no better use of your time than this
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CBS renews 23 shows; wishes Edie Falco, Patricia Heaton, Matt LeBlanc, and Pauley Perrette all the best in their next endeavors
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Only in rural Saskatchewan do you get a news story about 68k worth of stolen wheat, which happened sometime between January 1st and February 23rd
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Fark and Schnitt podcast: Peter Sagal tells us about surviving both the Boston Marathon Bombing and the LA Riots, as well his guess as to when things will return to normal. Plus, the secret strange connection between Fark and Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me is finally revealed
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For those missing the Cold War, we've got some good news
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Researchers report DISCOL experiment may have damaged undersea microbes for decades. Apparently, the microbes didn't react well to flairs and LED dance floors
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Cate Blanchett to Borderlands fans: s'up
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Sentient garbage heap Greg Gutfeld blames the pandemic on Adam Schiff and impeachment
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Good news, Illinois: You may be able to get mixed drinks to go from your favorite bars soon
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Good news on the Malaria front; it has been"completely stopped" by a microbe. Now on the Covid-19 front, not so much good news
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| Tue May 05, 2020 |
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When Gallant gets upset with the media, he writes strong emails to news stations. When Goofus gets upset with with media, he takes the smart TV he paid good money for outside and smashes it with a hammer. That'll show 'em
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The Tuesday Night Science Channel Discussion Thread, 9PM Eastern
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Good news: Biden can tout his work on 2009 economic recovery as part of campaign. Bad news: HE'S WEARING A TAN SUIT
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Well now we know why he exited stage left so fast: NY AG now investigating NBC News over sexual assault, discrimination claims focusing on suddenly-departed chief Andrew Lack
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There is absolutely NO evidence to back up Trumps claim that Biden wrote him "a letter of apology" for criticizing his China "travel ban". But you knew that already because if existed, a copy would have been mailed with every stimulus check sent out
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Now, THIS is a reason to stay home and in bed, even if you can go back to work
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In other news, the 'Beer Fairy' has horns and no pants
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Drew and Dallan are going early with the Fark News Update livestream. Got a boatload of stuff, some important, some not, what's under the radar, and a stray cat named Bunny who knows what he wants. 3:30pm eastern
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Good news: the number of new NY coronavirus cases are headed down. Bad news: the number of national coronavirus cases, excluding NY, are headed up. Farkward: if you put the two together, new coronavirus cases are looking...flat
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Wal-Mart returns $12.6 million in federal health stimulus cash. In other news, WAL-MART got $12.6 million in federal health stimulus cash
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Trump ordered his Secretary of the Interior to lift the event ban on The Lincoln Memorial so he could have a town hall with Fox News
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"Watching Fox News can get you killed"
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Old head of NBC News Lacks a job
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Hate crimes against Chinese soaring during COVID crisis
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Positive news from the pandemic. 54% of Americans like you. Over there. A little farther. More
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| Sat May 02, 2020 |
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Good news sports fans. The NBA has issued guidelines reopening. No, not that NBA, the other one - the Nevada Brothel Association
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Torn from the front page of the Bangor Daily News: "Blue Hill church is using lobsters to jumpstart its local economy." Maybe they'll beef things up by disregarding separation of turf and steak
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...and in other news, they're making another Transformers movie
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Free chocolate, free beer, free wildlife, and free museum tours are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, April 12-18 BBQ edition
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Subby's an expert on this too, and what they're actually saying is, "You've dropped your dinner on the floor"
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| Fri May 01, 2020 |
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Livestream is going to be a half-ass Daily News Summary - half-ass because Sierra is going to sub for Dallan. Come see what Drew's zero video experience results in, along with what his 10-year old punkass daughter thinks of today's news. 7pm et
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Lars Ulrich is obsessed with Rage Against the Machine right now. In other news, Lars Ulrich is pretty much the embodiment of the same machine RATM was raging against, manifested in the form of a musician
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Who was that masked man who licked a woman on the subway? Seriously, police want to know
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Not News: States start to lift restrictions. News: State governor allows anyone in a household with sick members, high risk members, or kids to stay on unemployment, regardless if they can get work. Fark: Texas
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It took 60 seconds for someone to debunk Tucker Carlson's lies on Coronavirus in children on his own show
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"Chinese e-commerce takes soap-opera turn as scandal surrounds three major players." Admittedly it loses a lot in translation, but that's the gist of it
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In today's you'll be in your bunk news, Anne Hathaway showed up for her audition to play Catwoman dressed as Harley Quinn
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What you didn't know you needed was a transparent crystal foosball table
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Kansas court decides voters don't have to prove they're white in order to vote
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Fox News and John Turley believe Michael Flynn has been exonerated. No other legal minds appear to agree
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Fark NotNewsletter: OhFark!
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News: Sidney Crosby receives award from the NHL. Fark: Sidney Crosby receives award from the American Brain Foundation
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Robo-Gorilla is watching other gorillas as they sing and fart (possible nsfw content on page)
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Fake News, historical edition, courtesy of the Daily Fail
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It's the Fark Daily News Summary at 7pm Eastern. What's important today, what was overlooked, what was downright dumb, and cute animal videos. Celebrating 2 consecutive days without a Facebook takedown notice involving sheep
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Not news: Governor of Illinois issues "stay-at-home" order. News: Is questioned about someone notable violating it. Fark: It's his wife, gone to Florida. Double Fark: Tells reporters to mind their business
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Not sports news: Even a Cubs fan recognizes the Cardinals are a more competently run franchise. Sports news: In a lawsuit against the Cubs
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Female mechanic made some adult videos, male coworkers found them online and watched them at work. Guess who got fired
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30 million
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Not news: Man has sudden urge to distribute hundreds of free face masks. Fark: While driving in the fast lane on the freeway
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Frankie, Annette, let's pick Gidget up and go surfing down by the ocean. I hear Huntington and Newport have some killer waves. California Governor Gavin Newsom: How about no
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Georgia to reduce teen driver's license requirements to "permission slip from mom". Take THAT, government bureaucracy
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