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| Fri May 22, 2020 |
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There's no need to find Fark's favorite low bridge when you drive around with your bed raised
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♫ I need a HERO So I'll just hop across the highway and borrow it til the end of the night He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast ♫ and wow that cop is strong and fast
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Top 7 sites that will deliver alcohol to your doorstep or server room
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"I need your boots, your motorcycle, and your...amusing plastic frog?" (possible nsfw content on page)
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Sometimes, the voters need a little help finding the best candidate, and he provided that help
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Alabama single moms rejoice as strip clubs reopen at 1700 hours today. Baby needs a new pair of shoes
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The European viper uses a cloak-and-dazzle method to escape predators. Coats of mud or getting to the choppah not needed
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$1,025,000
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At your wit's end from social distancing? Need something different in entertainment and distraction? How about a first look at a new science fiction book? Presenting: The Voyage of the New Beginning, through Chapter 25 - "Rosie"
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Bed Bath & Beyond to re-open 600 stores, bring back 11,000 workers on news we all need a good washing about now
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Not that I give much credence to random YouTube videos, but I found this one quite instructive. Do we really need a version of royalty no matter what country we live in
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The restaurant industry needs to be blown up
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Orange toddler spotted wearing mask at Ford plant
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| Mon May 18, 2020 |
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Britain says anyone who develops a lack of taste will need to self-isolate. So bad news, Manchester United fans
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Congress gave colleges a $14 billion lifeline with the stipulation that it should go to students in legitimate need. Two months later, much of it is unspent. Guess there are no needy students? Oh well, maybe they'll just build a new gym or something
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Strip club that straddles the Colorado-Wyoming border reopens. "We're on eight-inch heels and obviously a mask sometimes messes with your vision like I need to be able to see where my feet are going. In eight-inch heels it could be deadly"
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The F-35, procured as a supersonic fighter, will be greatly restricted from flying that fast because they hardly ever need to, it's really just a nicety, and it burns the tail off
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| (Some Guy) |
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Christianity should not be about simply following a strict set of rules, and if that's the way you think, you need to lighten up. --Francis
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| Sun May 17, 2020 |
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Morty misses his English class for another adventure with Rick, which is hard to believe that an interstellar adventure is more essential than the most critical class in high school. Rick and Morty, "The Vat of Acid," 11:30PM ET on Cartoon Network
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Badges, we don't need no stinkin' badges...oh wait, it's New Jersey? I guess you do need badges. Never mind
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It's not unusual when only one person is on the ballot running for the school board. It is unusual when voters need to fill three positions
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With everything going on in the world these days, what we really need right now is some good old fashioned soul music. Welcome, my brothers and sisters, to the Sunday Morning Music Club
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Re-opening gyms in defiance of pandemic protection rules: Yo momma's so fat, she outweighs the needs of the many
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| Wed May 13, 2020 |
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Well, it looks like "Snowball" is going to need a bath after being rescued from the sewer system
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Russia bans ventilators from being used because they tend to start fires. First, though, they need to send some to the US
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Chinese warmongers: The US Fleet is down with coronavirus and unable to defend Taiwan, invade now. Communist party leadership: Patience, grasshopper, for we ourselves are not yet strong enough
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Funny thing about restaurants, they generally need a license from the state health department to operate. So, if they reopen in defiance of state orders during a public health emergency, they really shouldn't be shocked when that license is yoinked
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President Kushner thinks we need to open the economy now, but holding an election in November is still too early to tell
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| (Some Guy) |
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D'awww in a time of pandemic
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| Fri May 08, 2020 |
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If these are the restrictions you need to impose in order to reopen schools, maybe you are trying to reopen them too early
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Covington GA councilwoman finds a scared homeless old man sitting in a town park, takes him off the street and put him in a hotel while looking for his family. Finds out he's a missing dementia patient, reconnects him to his family. Damn dusty story
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NHL cancels beginning of 2020-21 season before cancelling end of 2019-20 season
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When Ahmaud Arbrey's killers called 911 they DID NOT report that he was a suspected burglar, just that there was "a black male running down the street," leading a baffled dispatcher to say, "I just need to know what he was doing wrong"
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In these dark times, we all need a good police / duckling intervention
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When life gives you melons, donate to families in need of food. Also, you may have dyslexia
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Somebody's gonna need an extra Diet Coke today
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White House Press Secretary: "Look, the GOP doesn't need to be turning away voters and isolating them. We need to be bringing them into the tent. Donald Trump is the last person who's going to do that"
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| Thu May 07, 2020 |
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Need targets to simulate enemy missiles for your interceptor test? Just wait for your enemy to go broke, and buy the actual missiles
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Why does Jesus need a PPP loan?
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Nurses are underpaid and it wasn't like her 70 year old dying coronavirus patient needed his credit card anymore anyway
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Why do good leaders need to learn the power of 'I don't know'? I dunno?
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Drew and Dallan are livestreaming the Fark Daily News Summary at 7pm tonight. Come for the news you need, stay for the monkey videos
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What's in Andy Serkis' pocketses? An online reading of The Hobbit, my precious
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You may want to do a Cartman freeze for this ... Drew Brees vs Tom Brady to open 2020/21 NFL season from New Orleans. Tag is for the NFL ... the world needs this game
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Tara Reade allegations and the timing questioned by notable Liberal Activist....Tucker Carlson? 2020 is intent on making my head explode, isn't it. Fark REALLY needs a 'Da Fuq?' tag
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Need some age-appropriate books for your child to read? There's Judy Blume, Beverley Cleary, Guns N Roses, Maurice Sendak...wait, WHAT?
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America once again needs to be labeled a third world country, it's coronavirus recovery is way behind Europe's because of its lame lockdown policies
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| Fri May 01, 2020 |
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Christopher Lloyd just loved torturing that poor little shoe in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
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I will never lie to you, lies the White House Press Secretary
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| (Some Guy) |
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Holy Guacamole Cinco de Mayo is a-coming and I need some Guac. to go with my tequila
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In this unprecedented time, Alex Jones reminds us there is something you need to seriously consider. Could you eat your neighbors?
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Brenda's Beaver Need a Barber, a children's classic
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I've got 25 Farks2give and some time on my hands. Anyone that wants or needs one stop in and say hi. I'll hook you up with a month till I'm out
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What do corona virus first responders need? Nuclear support
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Aussie sex workers push to be considered an 'essential service', say everyone needs a little push push in the bush, even in these coronavirus times
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Taiwan claims North Korea's Kim Jong Un is still in charge but sick. Summing up we have alive hiding from the coronavirus, dead, mostly dead, sick, and taken by aliens. Fine, subby made the last one up...but it's really just to complete the picture
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Jeff Bezos says, Amazon will likely lose money because we have a lot of surfaces that need wiping and that ain't free. Plus, we have to turn on the air conditioning, give a crap about our employees, stuff like that
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| Thu April 30, 2020 |
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As if we needed proof that Trump doesn't care what anyone thinks, he's considering bringing back Flynn
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What you didn't know you needed was a transparent crystal foosball table
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Fark NotNewsletter: OhFark!
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| (ESPN) |
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At 7:00 PM, ESPN will be showing Michigan - Ohio State from 2016. It has been four years, we'll see if Michigan fans have learned yet that the chains aren't needed when the ball is spotted at the 25 for double OT
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That they need to dust more often, just like the rest of us
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Logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...or the one
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We've been at this isolation thing for a while now, so what things do you: A) Have too much of, B) Not have enough of, C) No longer have a need for, D) Now find are essential?
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Lines of traffic form at a KFC drive-thru as hungry locals queue up for their-first heart-attack-inna-bucket in a month. Fark: It wasn't actually open to customers and the police had to be called out. Tag needs an '-es'
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Look at these damn lil monkeys, look at them. Who needs dynamite when you've got grapes
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If you need to buy flowers and plants in Bucks County PA, you might want to read this
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Everything workers need to know about PPP loans, reduced hours, medical and child-care exemptions from returning to work, etc
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Todrick Hall comes out with the Quarantine Anthem we all need. Get out those Mask, Gloves, Soap, Scrubs and be fabulous
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One of the lesser known Ni saying Knights rescues dog from cliff ledge
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| Mon April 27, 2020 |
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Guitar Center needs to change its tune, as it has just $3 million in the bank and $1.2 billion in debt to pay
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First Kobe caused the coronavirus spread, now the Lakers have to return 4.6 million in loans intended for small businesses. I Love LA
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Nancy Pelosi endorses Joe Biden for President, dashing Subby's hopes that Vermin Supreme would get a much-needed boost in prestige
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THIS - this right here is EXACTLY what we need right now. (A new voiced) Kermit sings 'Rainbow Connection'. I cried the same old tears
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We might disagree with the "not in need of medical attention" comment
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Republicans need to tell Trump to focus on the sick and dying people, not his sick and dying approval rating, says some guy who has apparently not been paying attention for the last 40 months even though that is his one job
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Gee, if only there was a place where people who can't afford or find food can go to get what they need to hold off starvation. Like a pantry for food. Boy if only those places existed so you didn't have to destroy the food no one was buying
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Guinness Brewery based in the US now donating 500 loaves of 'Brewers Bread' to the local food bank in Baltimore every week. Much better than Drew's towels
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"Before the pandemic, my husband needed an hour to vent work frustration. Working from home, he's angry and exhibits negativity, looking down on people from a position of ethical superiority. He's a good dad and husband; I'm tired of it. What do?"
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| Thu April 23, 2020 |
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Subby just received a misdirected text that said "Hold of on the DNR. The son is on board but we still need to talk to the daughter." What is the strangest text message you've received lately?
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Method Man by Wu-Tang Clan QUARANtune by Flula, his bathroom, and a Speak & Spell is what you need this morning
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Bicycles have become the new toilet paper for people tired of just walking around the block for exercise
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ESPN to KBO league: We want to air your games for free. KBO: uh, no?
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Do you REALLY need those gloves?
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Harvard: Hey you, know, we were just poking around in our old sock drawer and we found this $40 billion permanent endowment, so maybe we don't need that $8 million emergency stimulus loan after all
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"I am a happily married 47-year-old teacher. Every couple of years, former students get in touch to ask me to lunch or coffee; I go if it's been over 5 years since graduation. I went with an ex-student who confessed her love for me. What do I do?"
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Billionaire investor Leon Cooperman says coronavirus crisis will "likely" change capitalism forever and that taxes will need to raised soon. "Quickly if Biden wins, slowly if Trump wins, but taxes have to go up"
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There are dozens of us, dozens. What's that you say? 10 people showed up? Nevermind
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| Fri April 17, 2020 |
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If you need a break from all current strife in world, here's a compilation of Keanu Reeves / John Wick animated depictions
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Need a snack for binge-watching? Honey curry butter popcorn is sure to please your puppy baby monkey
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How to be a Playa, you see a Lucifer wants to be paid, has to be paid, or this whole thing falls apart
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"Everyone needs to stay home on 4/20," warns notorious straight-edge buzzkill... E-40
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Fed chair Jay Powell, the hero we need now during this coronavirus crisis
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Three years ago, I got drunk and bought a boat on eBay
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America needs new names for the state alliances forming to circumvent Trump. Any ideas, Farkers?
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Biden needs to show he can do a better job than Trump. Shouldn't be that difficult
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Here's to you, farmer Ryan Cranney of Idaho, for giving away 2 million potatoes to anyone in need
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Gardeners: We feel the need.....the need for seeds
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I say Levi, we need a bold plan to work out for us
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| Thu April 16, 2020 |
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Bezos says widespread testing is needed before the economy can get running again. If only there were a way to get those tests delivered in 48 hrs
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Fark News Update streaming today at 4pm. We'll have what you need to know from today's news, what's flying under the radar, today's news cycle Meta, some random weird stuff, and the wrong kind of flying cars
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As if Westworld needed any more robots in disguise this season
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"Did Pelosi Say Trump Can't Hold Power Because He's One of the 'Common People'?" Seriously, if you need a fact-checker to answer this one for you, it's probably best you avoid going outside unless you wear a facemask...and a crash helmet
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"And so the sad irony here is that the protest was that they don't like being in this stay-at-home order, and they may have just created a need to lengthen it, which is something we're trying to avoid at all costs"
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Need Froot Loops, banana peppers and low pulp orange juice? What's your last name?
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Danny Trejo send hundreds of meals to LA hospital workers. No word if you need a machete to eat them
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"I need an article about ruining something. Johnson, what kind of copy can you get me?" "Um...I can suck the fun out of Animal crossing and make it a political hit piece..." "BRILLIANT"
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Badges? You don't need no particular stinkin' car badges to get a free oil change and car wash from Mazda if you're a health care worker
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| Wed April 15, 2020 |
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Kansas dentists using 3D printers to create swabs needed for COVID-19 tests is no longer a plot line from a failed SyFy series
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"The rich have fled New York City. I'm sick of being told that I need to stay, because I want to escape too." Sorry toots, you should have become rich before the outbreak, what were you thinking?
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🎵 Barr goes to a land down under, where the Aussies need help asunder, can't you see, the blackmail Barr is his blunder, they've been watching Trump since the Taj went under, still he flew to a land down under 🎵
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| (Some Guy) |
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Iran is boasting of its Bi-polar Electromagnetic Corona Virus Detector that can scan for viruses in 5 seconds with no blood test. Subby's Bi-polar college roommate probably could as well, but subby had to commit him for singing to demons all night
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The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. So let it be written, so let it be done
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Inspirational speeches can keep hope alive in times of darkness. If you could pick one Icon from history (living or dead) to deliver a message to humankind in our current time of need who would it be? LGT Subby's pick
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This isn't just the article you deserve, this is the article you need
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France summons Chinese ambassador for spreading COVID-19 disinformation. Fark needs an "It's about time" tag
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People will drive to Lansing, MI to protest the executive order. Subby agrees with the need to shelter in place, but is going just to get out of the house and meet people
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In these dark times we all struggle to get the groceries we need but we can die happy knowing that Prince John James, Prince Tyson Fury II and Prince Adonis Amazia didn't have to go without this easter weekend (possible nsfw content on page)
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12-week-old police puppy naps through his entire swearing-in ceremony, hopefully wakes up to join in with the big dogs on woofday 🐾
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| Tue April 14, 2020 |
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So, New York really should lock down their ventilators, because I have a strange feeling the feds are suddenly going to need them
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Loose goat visits Massachusetts liquor store. Hey there's no real need to reveal the goat's morals is there?
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Vote-by-mail is what this country needs to save the November election says noted liberal rag The New York Post
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| (grape Japan) |
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One underrated risk of telecommuting: suffocation by five needy cats
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We need to understand how Wuhan got the virus right off the bat
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Doctors in the rural south don't need testing to know that corona's virus is a-coming. They can hear it on the breath of the wind, in the strange silence of the morning whipporwhill, in the awkward splash of the young rascal's foot in the mud puddle
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Criminal Trump conspiracy ally Paul Manafort thinks he needs released from prison early due to Coronavirus
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You'll be pleased to know that the 93 year old woman with the "I need beer" sign now has 10 cases of Coors Light. Also, beer has vitamins
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"I'm working from home. My child is also at home with me. I can't do both; I'm drowning. What are people like me supposed to do?"
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Meanwhile at the Guardian: Right, for this week's column we need a stock photo of a woman who's thinking about banging her brother-in-law during 'rona lockdown
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April 6, South Dakota's governor: No need for stay-at-home orders, that's just "herd mentality." April 13, South hot spot's governor: "Moooooo moo moooooo"
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Who knew giant anvils counted as PPE?
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COVID-19-stricken Chris Cuomo evaluates life. He's had it with Trump, Democrats, CNN, fat bikers and all the rest of you assholes
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CNN's chyron writer writes the things that need to be said out loud
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| Thu April 09, 2020 |
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For over a month after the first US COVID-19 case, the Trump administration pushed US companies to export masks, ventilators, and other needed medical supplies to China. Source: Commerce Department bulletin to manufacturers
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That night you were singing in the club and that actress picked you up .... never happened. We'll discuss it later, they need you on the set. Quentin wants you in the next scene
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Vile hoarder brags about the food they've had to keep chucking out (possible nsfw content on page)
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Former President Obama no longer relying on Trump to save us in these coronavirus times, says America needs a "robust system of testing and monitoring" before the country can ease lockdowns
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"I know we're in the middle of a pandemic and a shelter-in-place order, but I feel like my child needs more help with reading skills. Is it a bad time to ask the teacher for extra help with reading?"
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Do you know COBOL? If so, you are desperately needed to help process unemployment claims. You should also schedule a colonoscopy soon
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Sewage in treatment plant has virus from 115,000 people compared to official count of 446 in service area. If we're ever going to beat this thing we need to stop going to the bathroom right now
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Due to the coronavirus, public transit around the country is now in a death spiral. Just when it's needed most
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