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| Wed August 05, 2020 |
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Man commits three burglaries in one night. Winds up with hand sanitizer
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"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -Steven Wright. Yeah, but the real trick is getting them all in the right order. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, numbers edition
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Andrew Cuomo just assured his re-election for as long as he wants it
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Someone thinks a television reboot of the forgotten late-90s bug movie Mimic is a great idea
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Pubic Hair Authentic Leather having a tough time with Māori speakers in New Zealand
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Protip: If you are going to lie on your application to get PPP funds, try not to do it in the name of a dead person. Oh and don't spend the money you get on a Lamborghini and strippers
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Biden's brain trust clearly see the VP pick as Harris, Obama's people say not so fast, Susan Rice would guarantee the enthusiastic presence of both Barack and Michelle Obama on the campaign trail
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CVS beats earnings on less business. Wait, what?
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Today's streaming music business is no game, and Google ain't Playin'
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Abandoned as an infant herself, this teen understands what it feels like to be left behind, and works to help senior dogs find the loving homes they deserve, just like she did. Please welcome her to this week's Woofday Wetnose Wednesday
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You coronavirus clean freaks, don't expect to see any Clorox wipes until 2021
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| Fri July 31, 2020 |
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IC, 2019-20: This Russian bounty business is real. State Dept, yesterday: Russia, knock it off or there will be consequences. Trump, today: It's another hoax
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California gym that remained open despite order to close now tied to...well, go on, guess. This is an easy one
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Company in Texas worried that Airlines might not ever want their salty nut sacks back on the planes
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Buy.com goes retail
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Buy.com goes retail
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After denying claims, insurance companies are finding pissed-off chefs on their menus
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U.S. consumer spending rises for second straight month in June as people get out and reload on TP, booze, kitchen staples, and refill their gas tanks
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Normally wrong Jim Cramer finally gets one right and it's not going to be good for your favorite local restaurant
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Dude, one cannot just swim in an aquarium in his underwear to be one with the fishes
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| Fri July 24, 2020 |
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Delightful memories of napping in the loo
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For many small businesses owners, COVID 19 can kill you twice
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Red Sox president: We're disappointed Mookie decided to sign with the team we traded him to
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Goldman Sachs in $3.9bn settlement with Malaysia over 1MDB. Man, online movie ratings are serious business
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Brooks Brothers looks too good to be thrown on the cart
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| (Some Beat Cop) |
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A police equipment guide from 1891 with brutally-low prices
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How many mice is a moose?
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Okay, so I have a theory and I fully expect you all to mess it up, but I need more data. If there was nothing barring you from enjoying either, do you prefer alcohol or pot? Are you an introvert or extrovert?
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Someone may be in deep do-do after mechanic receives a package via USPS with dog poop in it. Message written in Yinzer included
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Berlin's bondage brothels can reopen, but masks are mandatory so make sure you can mumble the safeword
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1970s rockers, 1980s movies, and 1990s TV shows are all the Fark Weird News Quiz, July 12-18: Why Are Stores Still Out Of This Edition
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Staples to require masks starting Monday. No, you can still hook them over your ears
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Here comes covid economic tsunami II: Small Business Boogaloo and the Fed is still on the beach applying sunscreen
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What is your favorite summer song?
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| Mon July 20, 2020 |
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Lobbyists and bankers are pushing hard to get their fraud legalized in the next coronavirus relief bill
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The Fed promised it would fire a "money cannon" of $trillions in cheap credit to keep US businesses afloat during the pandemic. Reality: $12mil
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On this day in history, in 1865, Pierre Lallement, inventor of the bicycle, arrives in the U.S. He would have gotten here earlier, but his spokes got tangled up in seaweed near the Canary Islands
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While Trump wants to bail out big business and Wall Street billionaires. Country Time is truly helping out the little guy
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Northern California restaurant near El Dorado Hills refuses to serve people who ARE wearing masks. It's like the gold rush all over again, but with disease
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BJ Services to no longer slurp up Earth's oil
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Deadpool: Will the US have 150,000 Corona dead by Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
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So what is the best joke from any comedian that you ever heard?
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Delusional woman thinks Trump knows how business works. Guess she didn't notice his 8 bankruptcies?
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How are you coping with this weird summer so far?
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Robert Irvine lands sweet new deal at Food Network, including new show helping restaurants specifically recover from COVID-19 economic sledgehammer. Let's get to work
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| Fri July 17, 2020 |
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It's unfair to say Mitch McConnell is doing "nothing" on the pandemic crisis. In fact he working VERY hard on doing the WRONG thing: Giving businesses state and federal immunity from covid-related lawsuits until 2024, retroactive to December 2019
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Sebastian Bach is tired of the monkey business
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Fast food, funny money, freaky weather, and the FBI are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, July 5-11: Jeez, It's Freakin' Hot Outside Edition
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Disfranchised Pittsburgh McDonald's demolished instantly, avoiding fate of disfranchised Pittsburgh Burger King which lingered for months
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Trump, astute businessman 1989 edition: "I feel sorry for the poor guy who is going to buy the Dallas Cowboys" ...purchase price $140 million, today's value $5 billion
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Farmers didn't realize voting for the death plague party would mean having a death plague
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| Thu July 16, 2020 |
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So, for anyone who has had the wonderfully fun COVID test, who here believes that President Kid Gloves gets tested "every Two days"? Subby isn't buying it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is National Get to Know Your Customers Day, and yes, those are the irate people refusing to wear masks and screaming at you from over there
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is National Get to Know Your Customers Day, and yes, those are the irate people refusing to wear masks and screaming at you from over there
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Trump thought he could outrun the legal avalanche. Seems like all his bad dreams are coming true at once
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A new pin-prick blood test can test for radiation exposure in mice. Why you're hanging out with glowing rodents is your own business
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No way would an honest company like Southwest Airlines begin to implement huge layoffs despite taking federal assistance. No way
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Babies photo-bombing their own studio portraits. Warning - images of baby 'bombs' (not safe for lunch)
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Walmart Wanda has parking lot meltdown after staff tell her no mask, no entry. Bonus: Everyone's infectious laughter
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Tuesday, news breaks that Louisiana AG tests positive for COVID. Today AG offers opinions on statewide mask mandate, closing businesses, best techniques to lick doorknobs
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The best way to fix the greatest economy ever is to destroy the environment
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| Wed July 15, 2020 |
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Ladies who want to impress their MAGA men know that there's Chiara Boni, and nothing else. Red hat optional, stiletto heels a must
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Goldman Sachs sucked down a metric buttload of vigorish from all the government spending
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His prepositions are preposterous. His adverbs have an adverse effect on adjectives, and his cat has subjunctive claws. His metaphors are like similes and his similes are not. He is the strangest writer on Fark, and this is your Fark Writer's Thread
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| (Some Guy) |
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I don't know whether this has been submitted before, but, um, these aussies have no idea
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Without having to actually pay for, you know, actual surgeries and doctor's visits, the US' largest health insurer more than doubled its profit in Q2
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You may want to sit down for this, but the Small Business Administration relied on false and inflated figures to calculate how the Paycheck Protection Program saved 55 million jobs so the Trump administration could show a rare COVID success
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Michigan jeweler decides to help the MICHIGAN tag. FOLLOWUP tag standing by
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| Thu July 09, 2020 |
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"The blue-cheese salad dressing, butter, ground turkey, cans of grain-free dog food, and new toothbrush came to $24.97. Laurie Mahlenbrei handed the cashier a slice of wood marked $25 and walked out with her items in plastic grocery bags"
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Shiat just got SUPER-real: School superintendent says there probably won't be any high school football in his district this year....the superintendent of the DALLAS TEXAS school district
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US congressman Ken Calvert praises private business for effectively handling the reopening, hopes schools can learn a thing or two. (Bonus: he's from Corona, CA)
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Pointy-headed liberals, takers and socialists call for national mask usage, but so do business leaders, trade groups and economists
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Zoom meetings, food promotions, and Holy Fark How Many TV Shows Have Characters In Blackface are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, June 28-July 4: Online Gaming Edition
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US Treasury: Over 500,000 businesses got PPP loans, but are listed as retaining zero jobs. "The lack of data will make accountability challenging"
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US Treasury: Over 500,000 businesses got PPP loans, but are listed as retaining zero jobs. "The lack of data will make accountability challenging"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Survey predicts 90% of Austin's live music venues may close by Halloween
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Wells Fargo now says it will donate that $400mil it somehow, totally accidentally received from the PPP to small businesses. Interest rates can be negotiated at a later date
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Because the all the finest sex tips come from Business Insider
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Bed, Bath, & Barely in Existence
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| Wed July 08, 2020 |
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As Georgia smashes through 100,000 Covid-19 cases, Governor Brian "Bubba" Kemp launches campaign to beg Georgians to pretty please stop being stupid
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As Georgia smashes through 100,000 Covid-19 cases, Governor Brian "Bubba" Kemp launches campaign to beg Georgians to pretty please stop being stupid
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Tool, Nickelback, GnR, Incubus, Slipknot, My Chemical Romance, Weezer, Cheap Trick, Tim McGraw, Disturbed, Wiz Khalifa, Lil Jon, Rascal Flatts, The Eagles, Pearl Jam,and Green Day all play a bad cover of "It's All About the Benjamins" simultaneously
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Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and for the rest of us, there's the Fark Writer's Thread. Which is great, in its own way
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Colorado governor says he plans to mass pardon anyone convicted of possession of less than 2 ounces of marijuana. Extra Spiffy: Bill also removes barriers to entering the marijuana business for those convicted of marijuana crimes
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The parent of Lane Bryant, Ann Taylor, and Catherines is about to follow Brooks Bros. into backruptcy. Levi Strauss, Eddie Bauer, Calvin Klein, and somebody named Shoe Carnival are getting pretty antsy
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The parent of Lane Bryant, Ann Taylor, and Catherines is about to follow Brooks Bros. into backruptcy. Levi Strauss, Eddie Bauer, Calvin Klein, and somebody named Shoe Carnival are getting pretty antsy
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Hey kids, let's see who can hold a lit firecracker the longest- give the winner a hand
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The virus forces London's Cereal Killer Cafe to snap, crackle, and pop out of business
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NASCAR racer Jimmie Johnson cleared to return to racing this weekend a week after testing positive for coronavirus. What could possibly go wrong?
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Brooks Brothers the latest victim of Americans no longer needing to wear nice clothes, or any clothes for that matter, in a Covid-19 business world
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How a new Facebook advertising boycott inspired by Black Lives Matter is different than prior efforts. Subby was unsure if the Politics tab trumps the Business one
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| Thu July 02, 2020 |
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Texas Gov. Greg Abbott (R), realizing that thousands of Covid deaths don't look good on a resume, finally hits the PANIC button and orders everyone to wear a mask, which he should have done...4 weeks ago
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Bah Gawd, that's the Undertaker's music
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What is your favorite song from a movie?
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Hard math problems, reopening venues, and of course Florida Man doing his thing are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, June 21-27 Visit from Mom Edition
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High Street retailers in the UK ruthlessly cut thousands of jobs in the bloodiest Wednesday ever, blame the pandemic
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Governor Florida Man says Florida will not re-close. "I think when you see the younger folks, I think a lot of it is more just social interactions, so that's natural." Spontaneous combustion is also natural
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If you ever wanted to own a giraffe you might soon have a chance as the Oakland Zoo may end up having a going out of business sale
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| Fri June 26, 2020 |
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Mmm, I could really go for some __________
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Axe-throwing business reopens with free sessions for frontline workers, who unfortunately won't be allowed to throw them at people not wearing masks
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Axe-throwing business reopens with free sessions for frontline workers, who unfortunately won't be allowed to throw them at people not wearing masks
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It's a green light for Red Light District (possible nsfw content on page)
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"The so-called cyanide bomb was not the work of some rogue actor or terrorist cell. It had been installed by a federal employee on official business." "The US government put (it) 350ft from my house, and killed my dog and poisoned my child"
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"Consumer sentiment slips in late June as confidence in U.S. economic policies slumps to Trump-era low"
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Name something you're procrastinating about
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Old TV shows, sports mascots, and former jobs of Italian poets are all on the Fark Weird News Quiz, June 14-20: Ugly Couch Edition
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The Gap is swelling with fish sticks
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Donald Trump's "rocket ship economy" is less "Saturn V thundering skyward" and more "Falcon 9 exploding on the launch pad"
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Biden just lost the anti-mask vote, not that those still alive were going to vote for him anyway
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In 10 years, conventional marketing will disappear, and consumer arrogance via word of mouth will be the promotion tactic. "It's all about showing others how great a consumer you are, better than them"
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Finally one of the world's elusive poo joggers has been caught with his pants down and cornered
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Customer to restaurant owner: why are the staff not wearing masks? Restaurant owner to customer: don't come back. Health Department to restaurant owner: here are 11 violations we found
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Netflix adapting Dutch series about the rise of phone sex lines in the 80s
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| Tue June 23, 2020 |
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Wynn Las Vegas reimagines the AYCE buffet, points out all the benefits you get for your $65, including ordering at your seat, physical distancing, touchless technologies, disposable and downloadable menus, and optional $30 pour package
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The fog's getting thicker, and Penney's list of store closings is getting larrrrrrrger
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Do you still have a hooked-up, serviceable desktop computer? Do you use it much?
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Arizona police officer voluntarily surrenders certification three years after tazing a handcuffed man in the genitals. See, the system works
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Oh no, New Yorkers aren't rushing back out to expose themselves to coronavirus for the good of the economy. Thanks Obama
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Disturbing' texts between Oregon police and far-right group prompt business as usual
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What do you like to collect?
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"My mom is an independent contractor and lost most of her business during the pandemic; I worry her mental health is deteriorating and she needs help. How can I get her to accept this?"
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Investment firm decides to move its billion-dollar business to Phoenix because of ongoing "cultural unrest" in the city of Seattle. Bazillion dollar unicorn farm besieged by antifa supersoldiers to follow shortly
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