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headlines found matching 'Associated Press Television News'
Thu June 24, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Apparently Russia still thinks they have a first world navy
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Wed June 23, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Arrested last October, man pleads guilty to not knowing that pre-made pizza dough isn't a popular Halloween hand-out
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Sell, Mortimer. Sell your car and buy a brand new one for less money
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(AP News)
 
 
 
"Bremerton Battalion Chief Brad Richard said the man was flying a makeshift kite made out of steel cable and a fishing rod." *you fill in the gap* "Fire officials said this served as a grim reminder not to fly a kite near power lines"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Farking Supreme Court rules that farking cheerleaders can swear all they farking want to outside of their farking school
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Apparently Americans really forgot how to behave in the air during the pandemic
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(AP News)
 
 
 
What happens if you host an Olympics and no one cares?
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Old and busted: prenups. New and improved on the pee pad: petnups
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Tue June 22, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Background checks blocked a record high 300,000 gun sales in 2020. Pew pew
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(AP News)
 
 
 
UEFA: No rainbows for you, Munich, even if Hungary's leadership *are* homophobic assmunchers
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Russian former world champion hurdler cleared of doping caused by baby son's pills. No explanation for the elephant steroids, tiger beta-blockers, or krocodil was given
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(AP News)
 
 
 
California will pay off unpaid rent due to pandemic. Good/bad socialism helps good/bad capitalists and good/bad renters. Article to the left, confusion to the right
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Sun June 20, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
After 15 months Radio City Music Hall is kickin' it again
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Sat June 19, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
In shocking news from the Middle East, the hardliner won the Iranian presidential election, defeating the other hardliner, and the other hardliner, and the other hardliner
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Fri June 18, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
North Korea's Kim vows to be ready for confrontation with US, plate of sticky buns
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(AP News)
 
 
 
'Scoring becomes key as Spain and Poland meet at Euro 2020.' As opposed to, say, water skiing? 'obvious' tag still flopping on the pitch
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Now that Obamacare has survived the Supreme Court for the third time, the GOP is in search of a new way to stick it to the poors
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(AP News)
 
 
 
The AP decides to show mercy. Mugshot-worthy tattoo artists despondent
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Thu June 17, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
After all their defiant rhetoric, St Louis' "it couple" Bonnie and Clyde Esq. decide to cop a plea that involves surrendering their guns
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(AP News)
 
 
 
What does Rafael Nadal pulling out of Wimbledon and the Tokyo Olympics have in common with Lili Von Shtupp?
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Wh.@((%($*@****CARRIER LOST
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(AP News)
 
 
 
In today's 'F*ck around and found out' story, Justice Department tells Missouri governor he can't void federal gun laws
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Wed June 16, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Won't someone PLEASE think of the hot sauce?
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(AP News)
 
 
 
And just like that, Republicans started caring about urban areas again
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(AP News)
 
 
 
China is releasing metals from its stockpiles to cool inflation. In other news, China's been hoarding metals to create inflation
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Flying a small plane with a banner attached over the Netherlands' training field for the European Championship is apparently becoming a thing. Who knew? Turk 182
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Tue June 15, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Good News Everyone. Turns out the Russians aren't the only one f*cking with our critical infrastructure. China has a massive espionage op going on at Verizon, the largest water management agency, and the NYC subway system. Masochists
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(AP News)
 
 
 
"The Army and Air Force, for example, couldn't readily tell AP how many weapons were lost or stolen from 2010 through 2019"
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Mon June 14, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Biden said he then turned around and standing inches from Putin said, "Mr. Prime Minister, I'm looking into your eyes, and I don't think you have a soul." Biden said Putin smiled and responded: "We understand one another"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
SCOTUS rejects overturning the convictions of two white nationalists convicted of rioting at Charlottesville
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Fri June 11, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Japan says they're 'just friends' with Taiwan, hopes all those drunk sexts never get found out
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(AP News)
 
 
 
But do they still have that 'old man smell?'
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Thu June 10, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
"Everybody was a great big meanie to our client so he should only get 6 months for a $25mil extortion plot"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Former Tennessee governor tied to a contract killing of a key federal witness in a corruption scandal the governor was embroiled in
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Old und gehakt: your papers please. New verpixelt hotness: your digital EU vaccination pass
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Wed June 09, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
♩ "Here comes the bride...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one...and another one" ♩
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Biden: "Hey, whenever you guys are interested in actually doing something constructive, I'll be over here in the big white house. The one with the columns. Yeah, pretty easy to find"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Mormon sex therapist's ouster stirs worries of shame culture. In other news, there are Mormon sex therapists
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Hong Kong residents can count on UEFAs for years to come
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Headline: "Gucci digitally outfits Gen-Z in metaverse foray with Roblox". Everyone over 40: (cocks head like a confused labrador)
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Gov. Greg Abbott of Texas: "The electric grid is fixed. All is well. Remain calm. All is well. Also, no financial relief to families stuck with high energy bills or lost income. All is well "
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Tue June 08, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Reaction to the January 6th Insurrection was even more inept that originally thought. Keystone Kops shaking their heads in disgust
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Mon June 07, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Helio Castroneves: "Boss, given I just won the Indy 500, can I drive our team's racecar this week in Detroit?" "I'm sorry. . .Helio *who*? I should know you frommm.....???"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
With the ball in their court, Democrats have a bold strategy to run out the shot clock and lose possession early in the 1st quarter
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Organizers of a Philadelphia naked bike ride say a mask will still be required to participate. Shirts, pants and/or underwear still optional
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Supreme Court is being asked to review a law that is discriminatory towards women. And men
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Sun June 06, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
June 6, 1944
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Sat June 05, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Looks like California's back on the menu, boys
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Fri June 04, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
'The New Normal' rolls on as Washington state DOT teams begin putting out this year's murder hornet traps
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Bat found in Madison park tests positive for rabies. Officials cannot confirm or deny rumors it originated in a Chinese research lab or Transylvanian castle
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(AP News)
 
 
 
GOP then: "You can't investigate a sitting president." GOP today: "Why are Democrats obsessing about a former president? Time to move on"
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Thu June 03, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
23 writers will serve as Poets Laureate Fellows across the nation / Over the rolling hills and plains / Traveling the roads of pave / They don't need to rhyme / Burma Shave
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Avengers, ASSEMBLE! Please take off the Mickey Mouse ears, Iron Man
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(AP News)
 
 
 
For once the guy in the $3000 suit did not make a huge mistake
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(AP News)
 
 
 
"If Lake Oroville falls below 640 feet, state officials would shut down a major power plant for just the second time ever because of low water levels, straining the electrical grid during the peak demand of the hottest part of the summer." With stunning pics
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Campaign event disrupted by dildo-dangling drone and fistfight. Even stranger, there was no Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in the vicinity
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Wed June 02, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
There was a time when some believed that black people had lower cognitive functioning than white people. For the NFL, that time was up until... wait, WTF?
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Red states being encouraged to deal with corruption and poverty. Oh, sorry, the article says Central America, not Middle America
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Biden's close ties to the polar bear and lichen lobbies revealed
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Tue June 01, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Florida woman gets married. Don't guess what happens next
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Mon May 31, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
White House gives GOP one week to finish dicking around on infrastructure. Difficulty: Congress is on one week break for Memorial Day
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Sat May 29, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
The Fox made me do it
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Senate confirms former general counsel of the American Postal Workers Union Anton Hajjar as Governor of the USPS Board, giving a 5-4 lead to Democrat appointed members
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Sorry, good boy. But because pot is being more legal these days, we got no choice but to retire you
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Fri May 28, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Wisconsin GOP, not content for their corruption to be outdone by Arizona, hires ex-cops to conduct 2020 election probe, one of whom was deemed "untrustworthy" after previously conducting a partisan election audit for Milwaukee
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Mitch McConnell is getting his way: The Jan. 6 Capitol Hill riot commission is basically toast
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(AP News)
 
 
 
GOP: "Nothing to see here, move along. Ignore the crazed armed loonies behind the curtain"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Spain: You know, there's a lot of racist people out there. We have to do something to fight that. How about a line of skin-tone colored stamps to remind people that diversity is beautiful? Oh, and let's make the white ones most valuable
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Thu May 27, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Scientists are trying to shed light on Hawaii's ghost net problem. In related news, Hawaii is haunted by ghost nets
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(AP News)
 
 
 
The Pope kisses Auschwitz survivor's tattoo
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Wed May 26, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
The Very Sad Caterpillar
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Vaccinated New York teens can enter raffle for free college, or, as it it called in other nations with high-income industrialized economies, "college"
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Fresh from her successful debut at Staten Island, the Marco Polo visits Savannah
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(AP News)
 
 
 
South Dakota continues crying that Emperor Biden won't let them burn down Mt. Rushmore for 4th of July. Meth: They're On It
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Tue May 25, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
The Vatican is stealing other people's artworks (This is not a repeat from the past 2000 years)
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Mon May 24, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Texas; O'Rourke appears to be contemplating a run for governor there. In fact you might say the idea is being Beto-tested at the moment
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Sun May 23, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
USA shows how much better they are than Canada at hockey
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Don't tell Parler but the National Guard mission to the Capitol is ending
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Grifters. The answer is grifters
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Insurrectionist: The mob made me do it, so we good now, right?
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Sat May 22, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
Carbon's coming in real good this year
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Country roads take people away from home in West Virginia
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(AP News)
 
 
 
The bureau of prisons have investigated themselves and found no evidence of wrongdoing
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Maricopa County Board of Supervisors to GOP state senators and the "cyber-ninjas": So now it's YOUR turn to preserve all your records, because we may file the mother of all defamation suits against you
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(AP News)
 
 
 
While India and the world still struggles to fight the pandemic, let's not forget the mass coronavirus outbreak at...Mount Everest?
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Fri May 21, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
United States begins recall of real water
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Trump and his supporters alleged widespread voter fraud in Wisconsin, and lo and behold there were 270,000 fraudulent ballots out 3 million total. Wait, check that -- 27 fraudulent ballots
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Just spitballin' here, but maybe, just maybe, if we eased back a bit on the whole "mass incarceration" thing, we wouldn't NEED so many guards, and this "crisis" would solve itself
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(AP News)
 
 
 
IOC vice president announces Tokyo Olympics will go ahead even if Covid-19 state of emergency is still in effect. That is exciting news for everybody in the doping business and the two dozen people who are still interested in the Olympic Games
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Newly digitized records from Boston in the 1700's shed light on the smallpox pandemics of the time. It seems that while a primitive vaccine was available, many people, most members of the "Make the Colonies Great Again" faction, violently opposed it
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(Mediaite)
 
 
 
AP reporter canceled by Republicans for calling Ben Shapiro a "little turd." Wait until they find out who Shapiro called a "Turd Tornado." Turd
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Thu May 20, 2021
(AP News)
 
 
 
News: The intern who helped keep Gabrielle Giffords alive will now run for her seat. Fark: He'll be running against the trauma surgeon who operated on her that day
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(AP News)
 
 
 
The French can finally get back to killing their lungs the old fashion way with cigarettes instead of COVID
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(AP News)
 
 
 
Well look at those fancy pants over at Goodwill getting all picky about what people are donating. The nerve of some organizations
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