headlines found matching 'Ali' NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Fri March 24, 2023 |
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Husband of evangelical weight-loss ministry cult leader apparently took action when he realized he was husband of evangelical weight-loss ministry cult leader
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Hopefully not a tumor. Either way, better get it checked out by a specialist
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If you want to play the role of Grand Inquisitor of the Hunter Biden inquisition, it's probably best not to brag in an interview about felonies you committed in the past like stealing a political rival's emails and releasing them to the press
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The surreality of Mark Milley
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Chad, in a total alpha dudebro move, nationalizes all ExxonMobil assets
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TikTok CEO assures Congress that its employees weren't surveilling journalists, they were just avidly following them due to intense interest
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Gonzaga's guard Julian Strawther hits a three-pointer with seven seconds left from "near the Nevada-California state line" and UCLA no more
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The 'time-traveler' who warned of an alien abducting 8,000 people on March 23 has claimed that the extra terrestrial has come and gone from Earth, making its departure around 7.30pm EST. Hell I feel let down
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In retaliation for the US airstrikes that were launched against Iranian backed militias in retaliation for a drone strike against US forces, militias launch missile attack against US forces
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Jim Jordan announces that he is investigating The Global Alliance for Responsible Media, a UN-backed coalition of advertisers who refuse to advertise on hate or disinformation sites, claiming they violate anti-trust laws, are devastating to the GOP
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Assault fisherman bags high-caliber catch
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| Wed March 22, 2023 |
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Extremely rare, but weak, tornado hits Southern California. Subby disappointed it didn't have sharks
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Really old: Dodge Dynasty. New hotness: BYD Han EV, named after the Chinese dynasty. Mr. Quirks & Features drives a press car with California plates, so how soon stateside?
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If things weren't bad enough in Australia, they are now being invaded by Minions
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Former Bay Watch star acquitted of stealing chickens. Former audience members remain guilty of choking them
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News: soccer goalie scores a goal. Fark: on a goal kick from his own end, possibly making it the longest goal ever scored
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Backpedaling 101
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Inflation is now over 10% in the UK. That's the point where people in an industrialized economy begin to crack open their neighbor's head and feast upon the tea and crumpets inside
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If you get arrested 10 times in one month facing 18 felonies and 15 misdemeanors with charges including stealing six vehicles, DUI, vandalism, fraud, & possession of a controlled substance your life purpose may be only to serve as a warning to others
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| Mon March 20, 2023 |
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They don't have Four Seasons Landscaping in southern California for these TFG supporters. What do?
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Doheny, Cahuenga, La Brea Tar Pits. La Jolla, Sequoia, La Brea Tar Pits. You can keep Alvarado, Santa Monica, even Beverly Drive. Vine may be fine, but for mine I want to feel alive, and settle down in my 7 p.m. ET MSNBC thread
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St. John's gives Rick Pitino six years to find an Italian restaurant with nice big tables
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Just before the Afghan women's footballers escaped the Taliban they greatly increased their roster
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Suddenly, atmospheric river #12. California might just slide off into the ocean even without a huge earthquake
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Six hundred new Australian nightmares announced. No word yet on how most of them will kill us. Admins: Hoping for the rare STEM/D'awww crossover here
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In the wake of the revelations from the Dominion lawsuit, professional journalism associations have strongly condemned Fox News' action saying they violate all rules of professionalism, and journalistic ethics. But they ain't gonna do dick about it
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Woman charged with stealing money meant for cancer patient, blames it on coleslaw. That's a lot of cabbage
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Another thing trying to kill you in Australia: putrid smell from millions of dead fish
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| Mon March 13, 2023 |
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AUKUS deal announced. Australia to buy three US subs, then a joint UK-Aus next gen sub, with US tech and Rolls Royce reactors. No word on which side the steering wheel will be on
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Blueprint for 'Counterportation' experimental wormhole: Sending Bob's qubit to Alice without letting Ted & Carol know
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I'm not saying the economy is ready to collapse, but Forbes has already turned to stealing retirement grease to get by
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Cleveland and Deshaun Watson realize cleaning up a steamer isn't easy for either party
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Dark Brandon: "Investors in the banks will not be protected. They knowingly took a risk, and when the risk didn't pay off, investors lose their money. That's how capitalism works"
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Dear Slate: My parents gave me a lot of money, but then I realized that it wasn't a gift, it was a loan. Since I didn't realize I needed to pay it back at first, I don't have to, right?
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Join the Australian Army and kick your countryman's butt
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| Fri March 10, 2023 |
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One of the country's most successful capitalists thinks that losses of Silicon Valley Bank should be socialized
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Happy cows come from California, where their chow is dropped from choppers
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Somewhere in the FBI: "4th amendment and dealing with judges...psh...who needs warrants when we've got data brokers that profit off selling our citizens' information to anyone that will pay up"
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Remember when Republicans claimed they cared about the water quality in East Palestine? Good times
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The Gallant Administration asked Twitter to remove inaccurate information about the Covid vaccine. The Goofus Administration asked Twitter to remove accurate information about Goofus' whiny personality
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Stealing a Tesla? There's an app for that
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Here's an idea, NPR: How's about we DON'T NORMALIZE NAZIS BY CALLING THEM "FAR RIGHT"? They are Nazis, and the ONLY thing you should be asking is why we are not treating American Nazis the exact same way we treated the German Nazis in WW2
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Rural California county decides that not voting at all is better than using voting machines
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Why not legalize kidnapping?
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Headline: "Jaded with education, more Americans are skipping college." Reality: Jaded with the obscene financial cost, more Americans are skipping college
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Hey, has anyone noticed that when it comes to abortion in America, the only religious group whose opinion seems to matter at all is fundamentalist Christians? Odd, that
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For once Matt Taibbi is right about something. He's not a "so called" journalist. He's a "has been" journalist. Get it right, dems
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| Thu March 09, 2023 |
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This week in infectious diseases outbreaks: 11 cases of meningococcus in Eastern Virginia, 3 fatalities
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And God Spoketh: AND FLOOD THESE CALIFORNIA AREAS IN PARTICULAR [\end booming voice]
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Before the 2020 election a Dem-aligned think-tank produced a report warning that if Trump lost there would not be a peaceful transfer of power, but militia and hate group-fueled violence instead. Difficulty: NOT the Romero Institute
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It's almost as if Tucker Carlson is a disingenuous, two-faced hypocrite with no redeeming qualities
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Subby has had a few adrenaline inducing adventures in her life, but this is beyond next level. Video title is slightly misleading
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California should stop bothering with high speed rail because adding extra lanes on Interstate 5 will solve everything, says Cato Institute analyst who has likely never driven in California before
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The Epic Games Store, a few years ago: "We only offer up high quality, curated titles, unlike that other place that lets pretty much anything through." EGS, today: "Wait, they've been making *how much* letting people self-publish?"
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Biden budget proposal rolls back deficit and bolsters Medicare. Republicans expected to bare their teeth, fling poop, make loud vocalizations, and utilize the usual primate displays of fear and aggression
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Driver on phone plays stupid game of giving middle finger to other motorist after seeing he's being filmed, wins stupid prize after realising it was a team of undercover cops
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State-run media or Media-run state? New Murdoch email: "Both Trump and McConnell are appealing for help to beat unelectable former mine owner who served time. Anything during day helpful, but Sean and Laura dumping on him hard might save the day"
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Neighbors of a soon to be imploded NJ Nabisco factory worry that the quality of their air will be harmed by the sweet smell of the ghosts of cookies past
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Popular Australian beer recalled due to A: Botulism scare? B: Contaminated ingredients? or C: Excess alcohol?
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Mitch McConnell hospitalized following fall. Well wishes to the right
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| Wed March 08, 2023 |
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Article: Don't worry, this robot only does the retail work no one else wants to do. Also article: Every single job that isn't dealing with the farking customers
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Elections once again have positive consequences: The new Dem majority in the Michigan legislature wins a decade-long battle to restore GOP cuts to MI's earned income tax credit, increasing it by 5x, and repealing income taxes on pensions
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Librarian previously arrested for vandalism for spray painting "GROOMERS" on library doors has now been charged for being in possession of...go ahead, take a wild guess
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Elon: 'Sure, we'll let you peons use our Supercharger network.' Reality: *Supercharger network cables are so short that nearly all non-Tesla EVs can't use them unless parking in at least two spots* ... also Elon: LoL bAsEd fR fR nO cAp
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WWE negotiating with gambling regulators to legalize betting on scripted matches. What could possibly go wrong?
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Grandfather is voted sexiest man alive
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I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens
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Not content with stealing EA's lunch in the city simulator genre, Paradox now has their sights on dollhouse simulators too
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Former "Jackass" star tries to prove he's still alive and kicking
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If you thought that Ron DeSantis was Navy fighter pilot like in Top Gun, you're in for a big surprise. He will probably by pissed about this story being leaked and claim that it's just yellow journalism
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TGF-DeSantis war heats up as both camps try to claim wins on the issues that matter: pudgiest waistline, poorest-fitting suit, most toxic personality, least believable ownership of work boots, and, above all, whose heel lifts are the highest
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Bonesaws: Not just for troublesome journalists anymore
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Edmonton fans and media, April 2022: LOL Toronto going nowhere with bum goalie Jack Campbell. October: Tremble before our glorious goaltender acquisition Jack Campbell, who will lead the Oilers to the Cup. March 2023: We gotta buyout Jack Campbell
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| Tue March 07, 2023 |
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A distinctly California twist on the "age-old threat awakened by human carelessness" trope
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High School will be staging Urinetown 'hilarious musical centered around the a number of social issues including the league system, capitalism, populism, environmental collapse and bureaucracy, to name a few.' Cue conservative outrage
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Nothing says "the current standard in culinary journalism" like a piece on how hard it is to do culinary journalism these days
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This Australian recipe from 1939 is for Canadian Pie, but it might also be an English Sea Pie, but that's actually an incorrect pronunciation of Quebec Recette Cipâte. Confused? You won't be after watching this episode of Glen and Friends Cooking
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Whimper not bang: 84% of Swedes hospitalized for Covid-19 had serious cognitive and sensorimotor symptoms persisting at the two year mark. Other Western nations have avoided these findings by not conducting follow-up studies
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Earlier today, TFG released a new song. As horrifying as the mental image you now have in your head as to what that song might be, the reality is far worse
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Ex-Fox News journalists aren't surprised they went down the rabbit hole of falsehoods. In other news, Fox used to have real journalists
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Man offers reward for safe return of son's 10-foot long 100-pound museum-quality model boat
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Virginia starts to realize that when you "win" Amazon's HQ2 sweepstakes, you're not exactly a winner. State of Washington seen giggling into its flannel shirt
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Not news: Where's the beef? New reality (well, possibly): Where's that beef from?
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| Wed March 01, 2023 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Long-dead local newspaper sites are resurfacing under their old URLs. Even though the articles all seem to be about handling raw chicken, celebrities' net worth, and the top 10 bitcoin games... hurray for local journalism live from Serbia
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Help Wanted: Pilot qualified for LearJet 60. Position available immediately. Applicant must be a good listener
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Actually, it's about ethics in political journalism
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As the Italians say, if you don't succeed, try, try again. Serie A bottom-feeders Cremonese beat Roma, end 30-game streak without win in league play, elicit red card from Jose Mourinho who blames the official
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Customer allegedly gets personalized message from Hungry Jack's employees after ordering food: "Love you so much xoxo". This might have been nice if it weren't for the words written before that
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| (Some Guy) |
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Latest list of activities that will get you penalized in Singapore includes vaping, feeding wild animals, flying kites near aerodromes, being nude at home, and mooching Wi-Fi (first offense up to 3 years in jail)
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Rocket-building Hobbits invade Australia
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Let's reboot "Caligula." Reboot. Get it? Subby can't be the only one who took Latin in high school
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Homebuyers' mortgage demand hits a 28-year low as your dreams of owning a split-level van down by the river refuse still to materialize
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When it comes to making predictions for the upcoming MLB season, Joey Votto says it was, in fact, aliens
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Pedal power isn't just for amped-up adrenaline junkies anymore
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| Tue February 28, 2023 |
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California's covid emergency officially ends today. Texas' emergency declaration will remain in place so that Gov. Abbot can continue to exercise the dictatorial powers the declaration confers until they are codified into law
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Gen Z workers: "Scanners are making our heads explode." You all realize, that was just a movie, right?
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Khloé Kardashian "healing wonderfully" after removing facial tumor, Tristan Thompson
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Woman finds fish she bought for dinner is still alive after two days in her freezer, throws it in the bathtub and names it Lazarus
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Other cartoonists: Why did it take you guys so long to realize what an asshole Scott Adams is?
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VERY CONCERNED Journalists: OMG the Foreperson of the Special Grand Jury in GA speaking publicly has RUINED EVERYTHING and Trump will get off Scott-free now. Actual Judge in the case: Naw, fam, it's cool, Jurors are totally allowed to do this
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"psychedelics like DMT (in ayahuasca), psilocin (in magic mushrooms) and 5-MeO-DMT (in certain toad species), could cross cell membranes more easily than serotonin could, triggering brain cells to regrow." And grow, and grow, and are you Mescalito?
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Tom Sizemore is about to be alive no more
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Washington County, PA GQP chairman formally requests proof Fetterman is alive
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| Wed February 22, 2023 |
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White guy who can trace his heritage to 1619 Jamestown realizes the guy who started Black History Month has the same last name as him. Then it gets awkward
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Whether it's Lovecraft, The Blob, Stephen King, Alien, The Thing, Ghostbusters, The Fly, The Expanse, Mattel Toys, or Marjorie Taylor Greene: slime is inescapable
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Legal analysis on giggling Georgia grand juror media tour: You're not helping, unless you count getting TFG off on a legal technicality
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Guy threatens Hollywood (Fla.) police that he's about to destroy the Hollywood sign (in Calif.) unless they lavish him with TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. Because this brand of imbecile is a dime a dozen, the culprit has yet to be found
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Add "Andrew Olson" to the list of Forge Santos' probable aliases
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| Thu February 16, 2023 |
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Idaho GOP lawmakers seeking to criminalize one of the safest medicines in history
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EV batteries get second life powering California's electrical grid
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GoPro tip: Make sure there isn't a camera in the car you're stealing money from. Or across the street, or in the parking lot. For 7 days
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| (Some Guy) |
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Government bans Dairy of a Wimpy Kid for "promoting negative foreign behavior, especially on issues such as transgender, gay, lesbianism, bisexuality, intersex, and asexuality". Man, those books sound better than I assumed
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NEVER dig straight down...Especially in Australia
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Apparently the unidentified flying objects we keep shooting down are not UFOs because aliens said so (possible nsfw content on page)
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Proposed Maryland law finally decriminalizes oral sex between consenting adults like the proverbial Your Mom and all the rest of us
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Australian scientists discover three new spider species in the Austrian Alps. Why they were looking for spiders there Subby does not know
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According to experts at the Basic Math & Reality Dept. at Every University, "Balanced-Budget" proposals make about as much sense as believing in the Easter Bunny
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Good news everybody. The cops left in Memphis' specialized Scorpions unit that's been disbanded are being assigned to other specialized units. So, problem solved
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Man plans trip to Sydney, Australia; finds terrific deal to Sidney instead, not realizing the difference until he lands in Montana. Stay tuned for his next adventure, presumably to Austria
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Knights form guild, refuse to fight for lord unless they get access to better healing potions and more silver for their squires. Just like medieval times
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| Wed February 15, 2023 |
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I was really amazed but then had a bit of a sad realizing the night sky will never be the same. Have you seen Starlink yet? What did you think?
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Sarah Palin says DeathSentence should remain a governor. Like she has any experience with remaining a governor
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Indiana lawmakers to discuss decriminalizing marijuana so the state's farmers can stop having to grow it in between rows of corn
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California will ban sales of metallic balloons by 2028, probably because the Air Force keeps shooting them down at a cost of $400K a pop
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Alive since at least 1 Million B.C., the world's oldest woman, Raquel Welch has died
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Man sets fire to his car to deter car thieves, not realizing that driving a 1998 Buick was all the deterrence he needed in the first place
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For those keeping score, that's 1 Chinese balloon, 1 high school science project, 1 weather balloon, and 1 alien space craft
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Cool: Man freed after 30 years in prison after being cleared of a murder he didn't commit after an eyewitness gave him an airtight alibi and the actual perp confessed to the crime. WTF: Missouri AG STILL opposed the exoneration
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But is a gaspedaling out of the question?
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American Academy of Pediatrics: "This is your BMI. You have a disease." Eating disorder specialists: "Don't reinforce weight stigma." Bariatric surgeons: "We're just happy to be here"
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If two people are equally qualified, the white person should get the opening, say 67% of white respondents
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Day 357 of WW3: Russia has sent at least 6,000 Ukrainian children -- some as young as four months -- to "re-education" camps, and expedited their adoption by Russian foster parents. Stalin's ghost laughs. It's your Wednesday Ukraine war discussion
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| Mon February 13, 2023 |
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Aussie man catches winning Super Bowl football, told to get out of stadium ASAP as envious Americans can be almost as dangerous as anything in Australia
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I'm not saying it's not aliens, but not aliens. And it will probably always be not aliens. So stop. Please just farking stop. If you don't I'm telling the Berserkers and Trisolians where your planet is
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Tonight on RAW: Miz pull double duty: hosting Seth on Miz TV and taking another trip on the Boogs Cruise. Ali takes on Bronson, Lashley & Lesner sign a contract and Mella, Nikki & Asuka vs Liv, Raquel & Nattie. See who gets the mist at 8 PM ET on USA
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Because this new year hasn't started out crazy enough, there is now a Marburg virus outbreak. If you don't know what that is, it's where you bleed from every orifice and it has fatality rate of up to 88%
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California: We need rain to prevent fires. Also California: All this rain we got is now going to cause fires. Wait, what?
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NORAD Commander refuses to rule out Aliens, Santa
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Is a moment in sports immortalized when it's redone in animated Legos? Here's Vancouver's Henrik Sedin getting smashed by LA Kings' Dustin Brown's circa 2012 playoffs in block form, complete with the twitching
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| Sat February 11, 2023 |
| (Some Vagabond) |
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Decemberists frontman Colin Meloy asks ChatGPT to write a song in his style, then he records it. And it's not half bad, though it lacks odalisques, rakes, roustabouts, Andalusian tribes, foxglove, barrow boys, lithesome maidens, or chimbley sweeps
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Swimmer gets disqualified and his team loses meet. The reason for disqualification? Too much 'Murica
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Police are paying for AI to analyze body cam audio for 'professionalism'. No word on what they plan to do to the officers found practicing such outdated behavior
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Kari Lake rejects reality and substitutes her own: "I believe the ranks of Congress, the Senate, I think a White House, I think all the state governorships would be Republican if elections were fair." Wow, Congress AND the Senate?
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Archaeologists discover house in Northern Ireland built while Adam was still alive
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Taliban fighters tired of the 9-5 grind of desk jobs. Difficulty: Not an article from The Onion
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| Fri February 10, 2023 |
| (Substack) |
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Beneath the Pavement, the Beach / Sous Les Pavés, La Plage - For the briefest of moments, the doors of possibility seemed open and capitalism poised to fall. The story of the 1968 uprising
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Shaun Cassidy show at NYC's 54 Below sells out in less than five minutes. Venue announces at least two additional shows will be added. In other news, Shaun Cassidy still alive
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Model and reality show winner farks around and finds out when criticizing Melanie Lynskey's body type in The Last Of Us, and immediately plays the victim card
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New opioid 10 times stronger than fentanyl hitting the streets of California, just catching a glimpse of it is lethal
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Polio Paul shouldn't be alive. Ebola Eric, Smallpox Samantha and Covid Carl unavailable for comment (possible nsfw content on page)
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Twitter scrambles to undo whatever the hell its CEO did to it in his quest to make it even less appealing to users
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| (The Markup) |
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Julia Angwin started The Markup as a way to do journalism using principles from science experiments. Now she is quitting, and has summed up 10 lessons learned from the job
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Subby is shocked, SHOCKED, to find study showing California counties overseen by a coroner who is also sheriff underreport officer-involved deaths. That Thin Blue Line sure does manage to cover up a lot of bovine brown
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Conservative pundit has gone so far anti-woke that he's becoming pro-Taliban
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| Tue February 07, 2023 |
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Golly, it's almost as if there were only a "low added benefit" to having anyone but a qualified medical professional making decisions about which prescription drugs one should use, and that Big Pharma shouldn't be allowed to advertise
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Switzerland may renounce neutrality, help to fill in the holes in Ukraine's military supply
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Hockey goalie scoring goal could not get more embarrassing than this, mein Freund. Expect a NHL Pacific Division team's reenactment within a season or two
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New-ish Corvette Z06 does its best to imitate a fragile Italian stallion
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I reject your reality and substitute my own
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Here's a deeply unlibertarian conclusion that I now regretfully find inescapable: there is a fundamental misalignment between profit-seeking and democracy's need for a well-informed public"
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Aliens, definitely aliens, it is always aliens. Or whales
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Microsoft 364 now a reality
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It's difficult not to sexualize Annie when she lets us know things like this
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"Yes, you can get free Plan B here. Yes, you can get free condoms here. Yes, you can get high quality coffee and pastries here. We're just like the cool, big cities but in the middle of two dirt fields"
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