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A message from Drew Curtis:  
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Tl;dr sign up for TotalFark and BareFark if you can.

This one's hard for me because I'm usually the one who keeps things positive.  An unintended side effect of that is that I often appear to be unconcerned. It's not that I'm unconcerned, it's just that for me personally I find that fear and panic get in the way of good decision making.  The guy at the top has to hold everyone else together.

I want to say Fark's going to be fine, that we're going to get an SBA loan or that the paycheck protection program won't run out of money before our application clears.  But truthfully, I don't know that any of that will happen.  

Here's the bad news:  The first week of April's ad revenue is in the books.  I'm not going to lie: it's dire. For the first week of April, Fark's ad revenue was down over 50% from last year.  This is much worse than what the IAB predicted in a survey last week, which seemed to indicate a 33% drop, which still would have been brutal but obviously way better than the 50% we're now seeing.  This is industry-wide by the way - it's happening to every digital media property simultaneously. Additionally, that 50% revenue drop Fark saw last week would have been even lower except Fark's traffic lately is up quite a lot - especially on weekends, where traffic has nearly doubled.  Before the pandemic, traffic on weekends would drop in half - a pattern that has held steady for 20 years. This is no longer the case.  

The somewhat good news is that last week, a bunch of you signed up and sponsored others for TotalFark and BareFark accounts.  That is hugely helpful - thank you so much!  And a special thanks to everyone who submitted sponsorship threads, including Warthog and the LP gang, null, and I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That.  Even with that amazing and generous showing, we still need more subscriptions if we're going to survive this.  Please sign up today if you can. 

I hate to ask because I know that other folks are worse off.  Your local newspaper is probably not going to make it either. They're even more dependent on advertising than Fark is, they probably have way more employees than we do, and they're in exactly the same boat.  If you can, subscribe to your local news websites. Also if you can, order from your local restaurants doing takeout. If you're super lucky, hopefully you can order beer or cocktails to go as well. For example, I heard from one friend in Nashville that they've seen pickup trucks with kegs of beer cruising neighborhoods and selling growler fills.  

Meanwhile, I'll be doing everything I can to keep things going on our end.  Because (and only because) we're running out of options, sometime in the next two weeks, we're going to test blocking ad-blockers for a 24-hour period to see what impact that makes on revenue.  If it's minimal, we'll retain ad-blocking, because I get it no one (including me) likes ads, and I know some readers need to use ad blockers for accessibility reasons. If the impact of the test is substantial, I'll update in a future Fark NotNewsletter what we decide to do.  We don't have the luxury of having a choice in the matter anymore. Signing up for TotalFark and BareFark would be a fantastic alternative to ad blocking, however.  BareFark in particular because it removes all ads from Fark.  

We're also experimenting with new projects to capture new audience share - I'm live streaming a not-so-serious daily news summary Tuesday - Friday that is worth a look.  The main host site can be found at twitch.tv/drewcurtis, but we'll be simulcasting across YouSpace and FaceTube and the rest here shortly.  Videos of previous streams can be seen at my Twitch channel as well, and eventually on the other SpaceTubes, too. My dad likes it. That's a huge endorsement right there.  We're hoping to do an evening stream this Friday during which I will be drinking the entire time. So heads up politics tab - it's been a rough week.  

Speaking of other initiatives, in this week's Fark and Schnitt podcast, Todd gives us an update from inside the Manhattan hot zone.  We've got a discussion about the world's oldest profession moving from offline to online, branching out into therapy even. And we discuss what America 2.0 may look like.  Check it out - it's more serious than usual, but it's good. Download from iTunes or wherever you find your podcasts

I hope you all are safe and well.  We're all in this together.

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We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
Farking Clown Shoes showed how we felt on March 1st versus how we felt on March 31st
jim32rr expressed condolences and hope to another Farker
6nome shared a sexy poster from the 70s and 80s
Giant Clown Shoe felt like an entirely different but superficially similar person
coronavirus reacted to an opinion about pandemic modeling
Dead for Tax Reasons noticed something about a contaminant that caused Zantac to be pulled from the market
oldernell was prepared for the sudden rush of people buying out seeds to grow their own food
Thong_of_Zardoz prepared for the milkocalypse
Grumpy Cat had a name for what Dean Cain and most of us look like now
Demetrius did not react to a photo of a man who hosted a "corona potluck"

Smart:
brantgoose argued that viruses can't be killed
Xai explained why efforts to flatten the curve on COVID-19 transmission is not just "hiding infections in the future"
That Guy What Stole the Bacon shared a story about parents having strange beliefs about where they'll be safe right now
GoOutBlazing plans on earning that nickname, hopefully a long time from now
Jerry Curlan's Horsey shared a story about people who know better but do the dumb thing anyway
nmrsnr pointed out the significance of a sentence buried in an article claiming that half of people infected with the novel coronavirus are asymptomatic
question_dj figured that a former COVID-19 skeptic's belief that the news media was using the panic to distract us from something else wasn't without precedent
Bootleg apparently didn't pay enough attention in history class
DrewCurtisJr came up with a solution to the problem of people having coronavirus parties that should satisfy everyone

CSB Sunday Morning: That time boredom struck and you chose poorly
Smart (tie): Redh8t described what happens when construction crews get bored after hours
Smart (tie): The adults in silvervial's family learned what happens when you release kids into the woods after they've been snowed in for five days  
Smart honorable mention: TexasPeace and some friends explored actual Nazi tunnels while attending third grade at a U.S. Army post in Germany
Funny: ytterbium learned as a little kid that sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share true stories from their own lives based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please contact Farkback ahead of time, or just submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening. If you're posting an intro, you'll want to write it out first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies. Please note: While submitted CSB Sunday Morning threads have a high likelihood of being greenlit, there is no guarantee they will be. 

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Smart: rcf1105 had excellent advice for attending video conferences while working from home
Funny: MissFeasance shared some important information about practicing safe sex
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain showed someone who was feeling defensive after an earthquake in Idaho
Smart: loveblondieo did some very smart things
Funny: croesius explained how to make a copy of a YouTube video

Politics Funny:
OptionC had questions about Donald Trump invoking the Defense Production Act
Dead for Tax Reasons had a message for a train engineer who intentionally derailed a train because of a conspiracy theory
Polezni Durak made an illustration more illustrative
Jack Sabbath recalled Dr. Anthony Fauci's first career
brap shared one of Trump's nonsensical tweets

Politics Smart:
edmo had reasons for not buying the official story for why the captain of the Theodore Roosevelt was relieved of his command
kbronsito suggested a new role for Brett Crozier
PluckYew wanted the news media to handle any golf outings Trump has in a certain way
arrogantbastich reacted to "Four things only libertarians can see about COVID-19"
skozlaw defended a Fark headline comparing U.S. deaths from COVID-19 to deaths on 9/11


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
The first NINE winners are from Add a Sesame Street character to a famous work of art:
hail2daking found proof that chocolate chip cookies were actually created by God
PhotoshopCrazy showed us what Beaker does when he's not working
PhotoshopCrazy proved we don't always see ourselves as others see us
Yammering_Splat_Vector found Vincent van Gogh's most obscure self portrait
opalakea showed that sometimes Rowlf acts just like other dogs
Herb Utsmelz let us see what this artist's mother really looked like
noazark ran into the problem of birds' ears not having external parts
hail2daking gave Oscar the Grouch a new place to eat
DarkJohnson captured the Swedish Chef in a reflective moment
This Is Bold Text was not proud of this

Captions:
From Caption this confrontation:
Albert911emt knew what squirrels want to talk about
TheSteelCricket heard an angry warning
RedZoneTuba could tell these two were fighting over who's more masculine

Fartist Friday: Make a mask from things you have on hand
LucyBrew made a mask from 99% natural materials

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake:
For our Fark Artists of all skill levels, this week's Fartist Friday theme: "Cupboard & Cabinet Creations": Raid your stashes and showcase your favorite social distancing provisions! Difficulty: the only provisions allowed to be showcased are cans, cartons and paper goods like TP (if you're lucky enough to have any). Dress up your refreshing can of Fresca in a crown. Present your bog roll stash (pre-used, please) with pizzazz. Toss that can of water chestnuts aside and put your Spaghettios decorated front and center in a masterpiece d'resistance. You get the gist. Ignore what the grownups say: Play with your food! But, carefully please - no use crying over spilled canned milk.

About Fartist Friday:
Fark's working on ways to keep you entertained during this time of social distancing. To start, we're posting weekly "art" contests with different themes and media, which we're tentatively calling Fartist Friday - let us know if you have a suggestion for a better name. We ran our first Fartist Friday contest two weeks ago, MSPaint your pet or your dream pet. The winners of the Fartist Friday contests will be named in the following Fark NotNewsletter, where we'll also announce the theme for the next contest. Fartist Friday contests will be submitted Thursdays with commenting closed until an hour before they show up on Fark's main page on Fridays, and will close to both comments and voting at the end of the day (midnight Eastern) on Sundays. All times are approximate because we're all drunk. We're asking each person to limit their entries to three per contest. We might change things up depending on feedback. Please contact Farkback to let us know what you think, and feel free to submit your own Fartist Friday ideas.

Farktography:
freakingmoron won Farktography Contest No. 778: "Apocalypse Now" with these young sprouts

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, please contact Elsinore.


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another good time on the Quiz last week, with two people making it into the 1000 club, where they will remain social distant while watching a reply of the 1978 World Series Game III on the big screen. general tso takes top honors with 1015, followed by Bruce Campbell vs Army of Farkness in second with 1014 and urethra_franklin in third with 973. Texa$ took fourth with 936, and Mztlplx rounds out the top five with 931.

The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over what you get when you adopt a pet from Midwest Animal Rescue and Service. Only 22% of quiztakers knew that a furry friend will also net you a nice supply of Busch "beer" -  enough to have about two cans a day for the next three months, or throw one good party that will make your friends think less of you.

The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over Nicolás Maduro and the narco-terrorism charges brought against him by the US. 87% of quiztakers knew that he was the president of Venezuela. although for how much longer is anyone's guess. 

The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was about the New Bob Dylan song "Murder Most Foul". Only 38% of quiztakers knew that it was 17 minutes of Dylan rambling on about the assassination of John F. Kennedy, although with Dylan, we're going to have to take his word because good luck trying to decipher the actual lyrics.

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Falkland Islands and which country had offered them assistance. 93% of quiztakers knew that it was Argentina that offered the coronavirus tests and medical help, and who is in a long dispute about the ownership of the Islands with the UK. No word if they get BBC programming there or their stance on Brexit.

Congratulations to the winners, and be sure to check out this week's Fark Weird News Quiz.