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Fark NotNewsletter: Drew's pedaling his sparkly hooves across New York
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2019-02-05 12:27:51 PM (62 comments) | Permalink
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1193 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Feb 2019 at 7:57 PM (23 weeks ago) | | share: more»
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A message from Drew Curtis:
Happy championship parade day, Boston. You'd think they'd be all paraded out given the past few years of their sports team successes. However, they also like skipping work and day drinking, so I doubt they'll find their enthusiasm waning anytime soon.
As for other news-related stuff, the State of the Union drinking game is tonight. Choose your terms carefully or at least notify your local hospital to fire up the stomach pump in anticipation of your arrival. I should be in rare form - they scheduled a KY basketball game right before it.
In other news, its my birthday this week! My friend Buck Wolf from the Huffington Post recently talked me into cycling 500 miles from Manhattan to Buffalo in late July. I'm raising $3,500 for the Roswell Park Alliance Foundation, which claims to spend all their donations on fighting cancer as opposed to hiding crashed alien spaceships and tricking Jonathan Frakes into doing voice overs for questionable Fox documentaries. Either way, I figure it's a worthy cause. To sweeten the deal, if I hit my fundraising goal on or before my birthday, Thursday February 7th, I promise not only to buy and wear the "F*ck Cancer" socks pictured in the stock photo I randomly chose for the fundraiser, but I'll have my daughter Sierra, age 9, paint my toenails all kinds of glittery fancy colors for the ride. All the bronies will be super jealous. So if you're a fan of fighting cancer, hiding evidence of aliens, and making me dress funny, this is your golden opportunity to donate now. Also, that's a weird fetish to have.
Speaking of which, the ride takes a full week and stops in all the major New York cities. So you know what that means - Fark parties! I'm pretty sure we're stopping in or near Albany, Syracuse, Rochester, and Buffalo on the ride. And as an added bonus, Fark turns 20 years old next week! So we've got something to celebrate! More on Fark20 in the next Fark NotNewsletter!
We now return you to your usual Fark NotNewsletter.
Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Feral Cat With Scissors was adamantly opposed to having a dress code for parents visiting schools
naughtyrev realized just how poorly men treat a certain woman who can't climax
Naido had a good question about a Boy Scout who had a gun pulled on him for putting a flyer on a door
I Have A Bo Burnham GIF For That had a better place to put a Pop Tart instead of sticking it in your fanny
MrBallou summed up a very Canadian problem
revrendjim found a problem with David Dunning's advice on avoiding the Dunning-Kruger effect
the_innkeeper agreed that another Farker's sister was responsible for the Space Shuttle Challenger explosion
Slypork referenced a 1972 film
hobnail responded to the assertion that a man is gay if he admires a woman's derriere
markie_farkie figured out what was happening in someone's selfie
Bonus FarkStaff Pick:
giantmeteor had some strong words for the planet Neptune
NotARocketScientist explained why some doctors won't accept the children of anti-vaxxers as patients
Ambivalence presented evidence that windchill is not meaningless
MattytheMouse shared a personal story about the implication that anti-vaxxers would rather their children die than have autism
Xanlexian showed the good that can be caused by anti-vaxxers
hobnail responded to the assertion that a man is gay if he admires a woman's derriere
winedrinkingman discussed how 50 guns might have gone missing from the Maricopa County Sheriff's office when Joe Arpaio was in charge
vudukungfu wondered if a newly-discovered problem means we can talk about gun control now
sigdiamond2000 thought that being a "men's rights activist" sounds like a real treat
eurotrader had advice for a woman who can't get joy
wejash predicted what a cop will do in the future
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers
Funny: Badafuco learned that young people aren't going to understand all the old references
Funny: merrillvillain helped a Farker who couldn't get the house heated above 67°
Smart: MIAppologia's solution sounded like a lot more work
Funny: Barry McCockner taught some students to be excited about listing their sources
Funny: EatHam really worked hard at messing with a Canadian coworker
scottydoesntknow figured that Robert Mueller will do what it takes to get Roger Stone to cooperate
naughtyrev explained the cold weather to Donald Trump
grokca pointed out that Trump shouldn't worry about his doctor revealing how much Trump weighs now
Farking Clown Shoes altered the White House Press Secretary's appearance
cameroncrazy1984 explained why there won't be another government shutdown over the border wall
Snapper Carr commented on the idea that Trump is destroying Ronald Reagan's legacy
mrshowrules had tips for determining if Trump is lying or telling the truth
weddingsinger thought that comparing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to Trump overlooks the essence of Trump's personality
NewportBarGuy considered how the U.S. intelligence community probably feels right now
BizarreMan responded to Trump's angry tweet about a new book by Cliff Sims
Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down
Herb Utsmelz showed someone scratching an itchy leg
RedZoneTuba misplaced something very important while on vacation
RedZoneTuba found a very lonely candidate
cowgirl toffee helped Drew get a side job
Snubnose sensed a presence
RedZoneTuba gave us a moody twosome
RedZoneTuba found a photo of the first telephone operator
Yammering_Splat_Vector brought out the big lizard
RedZoneTuba flew a Zeppelin too low
Snubnose needs to get Drew a tutor
Farktography Contest No. 717: "Reflections 4" ended in a tie between BecauseISaidSo's shiny Chicago bean and beerrun's cloudy-eyed baseball player
Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.
Upcoming Fark Parties
See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats
Friday, February 8: Eugene, OR Fark Party
Wednesday, February 27: Las Vegas Fark and 50th Birthday Party
Friday, March 15: Fort Collins, CO Fark Party
Fark Weird News Quiz Results (brought to you by ox45tallboy)
We had another great time on the quiz while frozen in last week. Unfortunately, no one made it into the 1000 club, which is a shame because the slumber party on Sunday evening was a rousing success, especially DisseminationMonkey's 18-layer-dip. Well, it was supposedly 18 layers, but no one made it past layer 11 because the chips were too short. Anyway, Denjiro came out on top with 952, followed by FrancoFile in second with 949 and jaksmata in third with 926. FormerJanitor took fourth with 906, and the number five slot goes to LizardOnAStick with 854. I'm guessing scores will be better this week since half the country was too frozen to leave the house, and subsisted on milk and bread sandwiches and threw things at anyone who suggested "Netflix and Chill".
The hardest question on the Hard Quiz was over which country was the first to sink their claws into Google for violations of the E.U.'s General Data Protection Regulation, which provides consumer privacy protections. Only 30% of quiztakers knew that it was France who wouldn't surrender against the 800 lb. gorilla Google has become. I mean, you only have to go to any beach in the south of France to see just how much they all value their privacy over there.
The easiest question on the Hard Quiz was over which one of those wacky British royals made tabloid headlines for the week. 82% of quiztakers knew that although Prince Philip has retired from public life, he apparently still likes to go for a drive every now and again in a 6+-year-old low-end Range Rover. The oddest part of the story was that reporters witnessed another of the same model SUV being dropped off at his residence later in the week. Not even an upgrade? I'm thinking maybe his wife was not amused and was making him drive that as punishment for something.
The hardest question on the Easy Quiz was over the name Nabisco has settled on for their new bag of creme with a few chocolate wafers inside, swimming around like the prize in your Froot Loops in 1983. Surprisingly, only 34% of quiztakers knew that they had settled on "Most Stuf" as the name, although I think they could add an "-ly" to the end for accuracy. Which means that 64% of quiztakers thought "Over Stuf" was a good name. Perhaps I should trademark that for when they decide to start leaving out the chocolate wafers.
The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was over the Grand Basset Griffon Vendéen and the Nederlandse Kooikerhondjes. 85% of quiztakers knew that these were new dog breeds introduced as categories in the upcoming Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. The few times I've watched it, I've found that the fancier the name of the breed, the more likely it is to do its business on the carpet, so I'm expecting to see some leg humping of the judges out of at least one of these.
If you missed last week's quiz, you can catch up on it here. Congratulations to the winners, and later this week we'll be testing the knowledge you gained from sitting around in your jammies last week when it was too cold to venture outwards.
Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)
Welcome back to Headline of the Week! We had a great time with Headline of the Year 2018 and we're just starting to work through December and January Headlines of the Week to get caught up with this new year!
Thanks as always to our amazing submitters and to our TotalFark voters. These are the headlines we love to share and say "*this* is Fark."
Here are a few of our favorites this week, check out all the Fark Headlines of the Week here.
"Inside the mind of a plagiarist" (easiest headline I ever submitted)
Man named Zebulon attacks firefighter after Browns game. May his punishment be watching all future Browns games with Hue Jackson
Time travel is possible, but only if you have infinite mass. Well, I've been off my diet for a while now
No, James Bond has a drinking solution
He did not slap them in the mouth. He did not slap them north, nor south. He did not kick them in the balls. He did not throw them from his Halls. He rejected all their pleas, and slammed those whose job's to "speak for the trees"
His name was Ghosn, he headed Nissan. With a Brazil apartment as his lair, and misconduct down to there. He did a tap dance, he saw his big chance. But Nissan thought it odd, since he's indicted for tax fraud. At the Copa, Copacabana
As Infrastructure Week comes to a close, join us for the MSNBC FRESH HELL FRIDAY thread. Fun starts at 8pm EST, BYOB, IYKWISAITYDNTTAWWT
Yawl shud be asahmed four shamming that farker hoo mispeled himp erliar
Needles to say, spotting a rare albino porcupine waddling through a snowy forest is an une-quilled delight
A hot dog is a taco, a steak is a salad and a Pop-Tart is a calzone. Let the Cube Rule explain
Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
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