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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-09-02 to Sat 2018-09-08
Posted by Blythe at 2018-09-20 2:34:07 PM (0 comments) | Permalink
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posted to Main » on 20 Sep 2018 at 2:34 PM (38 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-09-02 to Sat 2018-09-08:  Daily Fail: The Norfolk police force closes cases if a computer decides there is no chance of making an arrest. Police force responds: Norfolking way  Big ghostly ship / with drifting motion / brave Navy sleuths / upon the ocean / Burma wave  President Trump wants to stop time. Like anyone has that kind of pow  "But, Pagliacci, I am a doctor"  The highest point in Pennsylvania at about 3,000 feet. That is where the dam is. The dam that is leaking. Fail and Followup tags are being briefed by FEMA as of now  Thief steals 48 tires from dealership, police recover most of them. He probably ran out of energy, he was very... oh what's the word, fatigued, yes that's it, he was very fatigued  A house divided cannot stand, especially with a crane stuck in it  Spain halts sale of missiles to Saudi Arabia over fears of civilian casualties, in further evidence that no one should ever expect the Spanish Ammunition  Woodward accused of killing Bernstein  Student stabbed with hair pick. Cops comb the area  Woman charged with lane violation, 7-10 split after crashing into bowling alley  Bears accused of killing 70+ sheep on Hokkaido farm since June, with circumstantial evidence being multiple carcasses of sheep with crushed necks and slashed throats. Bears' response: FAKE EWES

Sports:  Rick "Romero" Pitino thinks he won't return to coaching  Eagles place TE Richard Rogers on IR, Hammerstein drops down on the depth chart to sixteen going on seventeen  Dozens of nations gather for traditional Nomad Games set against beautiful scenery of Kyrgyzstan. Winners to receive medals, vowels  MLB teams were 487-0 when leading by 6 or more runs when entering the 8th inning this season. Were  Yellow Flag for too many sponsors on the field. Please slow down so that we can get the plugs into more sentences

Geek:  Yes, IT'S CALLED PLUTO YOU MORONS  Lyft driver leaks pictures of Google's latest phone online after someone left one in his car. These don't look 'shopped, I can tell from the Pixel  Saturn's hexagonal polar winds pattern was thought to be relatively flat. But it turns out to be "way bigger", which is is somewhere between "meh" and "DUDE"  Do you know the Puffin Man, the Puffin Man, the Puffin Man? Do you know the Puffin Man, who lives near Haystack Rock?  Analysis: It turns out artificial intelligence can develop prejudices, just like you meatbags

Entertainment:  U2's Bono says his voice is back, so don't worry, However, he'll be doing his tribute to Tom Waits set during the next few weeks of shows. Might throw in some Kim Carnes and Rod Stewart  Die Hard 6 will have more Bruce Willis, more pals welcomed to parties  "Cosby Show" actor hits back at Fox News after they try to "job shame" him for working at a Trader Joes: "There's no job better than another...every job is worthwhile". Besides SOMEBODY farked up the Cosby show residuals gravy train, now didn't they?  The FBI has recovered the ruby slippers. No word on if they got the little dog, too

Politics:  ♪ Born in Leningrad on the Baltic Sea. The second largest city in the land of not-so-free. Mountain goats won't run from he. Ran the KGB when he was only three. Vladi. Vladi Putin. King of the Russian Frontier ♪  Working with Russia on cybercrime is like hiring a burglar to protect the family jewels, hiring a fox to guard the hen house, putting Drew in charge of the beer suppy  Old man yells at cloud (provider)  The US has been destabilizing Nicaragua for over a century, and Nikki Haley says it would be a damn shame to stop now  🎵 It's beginning to look a lot like perjury, with eeeeeverything he says🎵  First Lady Melania Trump would like us to know that Michelle Obama did not write that New York Times op-ed  Anonymous Lodestar appears to be none other than recurring Family Circus character "Not Me"  The great thing about working for Trump is you have job opportunities with the Kremlin that didn't exist before with Presidents who didn't fark around with enemies of America  Boris Johnson is getting divorced. He plans to spend the next 2 years blaming all the problems cause by the split on other people, the fact that he will end up losing money on his wife and have no real plan for how to divide the assets  The FTC shuts down fake military recruitment sites. inconsolable  Bernstein bears down on Trump's fitness to lead  Apple to Alex Jones: FREEZE PEACH

Business:  Lionel Richie now has a line of bedding for sale at JC Penney. Hello? Is it sleep you're looking for?  As market dynamics change, Chicago-based MillerCoors cuts 350 jobs. Former employees reportedly plan to drown their sorrows with wine, liquor  Starbucks has now closed more than half of their New Zealand stores. Apparently even their espresso can't keep people awake in a country that has 100 million sheep to count at night  Theranos employees to collect final paycheck, infinity stone  Walmart's ironic Soviet-inspired T-shirts are accused of supporting totalitarian regimes, but Walmart counters that it's technically an oligarchy accountable to shareholders  Amway founder has died. Is his casket going to be carried by 6 people who are, in turn, carried by 12 people who are carried by 24 people?  The Feds bailed out and seized control of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after the housing crisis, and now they're both making billions of dollars of pure profit for the government. Is it still socialism when you're making a profit at it?

Discussion:  Apartment for people who hate having visitors, or who reeealy don't mind sharing  Faster than a run-on sentence, more powerful than a mixed metaphor, able to leap dangling modifiers in a single bound. Look, in the discussion tab, it's the Fark Writer's Thread  "Stay in shape at home with five prison-style exercises". Coming up next, "How to make a shiv with office supplies in less than 5 minutes" and "Why you can make a convincing gun with a bar of soap but not your fancy hair conditioner"

D'awww:  Oh, deer, that's no place to hang out  Cougar litter discovered in Santa Monica Mountains. Hopefully all the wine bottles can be recycled  This bear's repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating

Food:  Woman dips chicken finger in soda and people are freaking out. I've seen the video, and I say her hands are normal  A list of 7 foods to buy when you're broke compiled by someone who's never heard of Ramen  The return of the Clark Bar is secured as Boyer, the Mallo Cup people, buy Clark bar rights from bankrupt Necco. If this headline excites you, you need to exercise
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