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Humans and cheese, the Scots, and mating rituals from the '80s - It's your Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-07-08 to Sat 2018-07-14
Posted by Blythe at 2018-07-25 10:58:11 AM, edited 2018-07-25 11:15:48 AM (0 comments) | Permalink

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1318 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Jul 2018 at 11:27 AM (50 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Thanks as always to our wonderful submitters and thanks to our TotalFark voters!  Main was the standout tab again this week, and gems in every other tab as well.  We love Headline of the Week because it lets us highlight the weird, creative, and just plain funny way that Farkers see the world.  The kinds of headlines you can share on postcards you leave randomly around your local bars and coffeehouses - and say *this* is Fark.  

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-07-08 to Sat 2018-07-14:  Darwin may be impressed that you attempt to swallow a bag of evidence. Even more impressed that it is a bag of cocaine. But Darwin will not be deterred if you resist the police when they try to remove it  There are no bad kids, just bad behavior. Set clear expectations and boundaries, and be consistent. Don't use a sword  May loses her Johnson  "Now make a wish and blow out the flames." "Okay, I wish my car wasn't on fire." *blowing sounds*  The boys trapped in the Thailand cave could face unusual "cave diseases" - speleonosis and onomatopoeia. I think they made the first one up, but the second one is exactly what it sounds like  Securing a sailboat to a trailer with duct tape will result in fines, honorary membership to Possum Lodge  A hot dog is a sandwich. Same thing with the taco. Which by the transitive property means hot dogs are tacos  Missing pony washed away by flood waters and found alive on roof of a house has been upgraded to stable  Racist comments. Horrible pizza. Papa's Gone  The Biscayne Bay PD had an almost 100% "solve" rate for burglaries committed in their jurisdiction, but some nay-sayers make take issue with the chief's innovative "pick a random black guy and pin the crime on them" investigation method  A Blood Moon hits your eye just as Mars goes on by, that's apocalypse  Student rescued after climbing tree to escape wolves. No word if she was rescued by eagles, or how many dwarves were with her  In the fight between Florida Man and Code Enforcement Guy, sometimes Freedom of Speech wins  Texas man stabs someone after getting into an argument over reserved seat at screening of "The First Purge". Someone should have told him that he had the wrong day  ♫ Chim chimin-ee, Chim chimin-ee, Chim chim cher-oo, a six foot long NOPE slithered in through the flue ♫  Downward dogwhistle

Sports:  Wine and cheese beats chocolate waffles, prepares to surrender to boiled vegetables  After paying €105m for a single striker, Juventus's owner finds itself with thousands of strikers it didn't know it had, in a Fiat accompli  They're saying Frooo-oome

Geek:  Belgium feels bad now, but what could possibly make Belgium feel even worse? How about the world's first English Trappist Ale - "a strong, dark ale with rich fruitcake flavours threaded through with a suggestion of orange marmalade"  You know how it is when you've waiting for the block of cheese and it still doesn't come and you know you should move on and look somewhere else but you don't want all that time to be wasted? Humans do that too  Experts evaluate the effectiveness of parental locks and porn filtering software, conclude that if you put a little hat on a snowball it can last a long time in hell  Calculus is a study best left unlearned

Entertainment:  George Clooney returns to ER  When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's Aoki  Actress still looks great at 68. Just ask my wife, Morgan Fairchild  Alternate title for Joss Whedon's upcoming HBO series: "Overcompensating for Sexual Harssment Allegations"

Politics:  Hannity goes on preemptive attack over the SCOTUS pick, claiming Liberals are "conducting a malicious campaign to impugn the character of good people." Alright, who taught him "impugn"?  Kavanaugh: I'm flattered to be nominated to SCOTUS. By the way, Donald Trump is 6' 3" tall and weighs 239 lbs  Tusk to Trump: If you don't EU meet, you can't have any Putin. How can you have any Putin if you don't EU meet?  Stop me if you've heard this one before - Trump's pick has no experience in what he's being nominated for, but did represent a Russian bank  I detect an air of defiance from the Scots  Pack your bags, looks like we're going to Tehran  Why hack the election systems when you can just buy the software?  Paraglider performs precarious protestation in POTUS proximity

Business:  Elon Farnsworth on his new cave submarine: "IT CAN DO OTHER THINGS, why shouldn't it?"  Uber executive resigns after receiving one-star rating for handling of discrimination complaints  Pfizer pfreezes pfrice hikes amid pfressure pfrom Trumpf  Forbes has an odd definition of the term "self-made," but anyway, here's a list of women with lots of money, and it includes a Kardashian and a Jenner  Microsoft introduces SQL (subscription query language)

Discussion:  How best to avoid ticks, mosquitoes, head lice while camping this summer where confusion reigns between products containing synthetic chemicals, natural repellants. First, don't go camping  Here we see the mating rituals of the 1980s. The man drums on the Casio while the woman flashes her broad shoulder pads provocatively  Bristlecone pines can be old... really old. There are bristlecone pines that have been around since before the crucifixion. Did any of them try to stop the crucifixion? No, because bristlecone pines look out for bristlecone pines  Get your day started on a positive note and, no, I don't care that it's been posted before, recycling is good for the environment and, sometimes, it's good for Fark
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