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Fark NotNewsletter: Why I'm never going outside again
Posted by DisseminationMonkey at 2018-07-10 11:44:41 AM, edited 2018-07-10 11:59:41 AM (36 comments) | Permalink
More: FarkBlog

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3114 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Jul 2018 at 8:12 PM (22 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Since it's summertime, many Farkers are venturing out of our moms' basements and sometimes even going outside where there are scary things like insects and sunlight and other people. And most people are really weird about insects, even harmless ones. If a pretty one like a butterfly or ladybug lands on us, we think we're magical and living in a Disney movie. But if an ugly one is skulking about, most people want nothing to do with that bullshiat and start noping up a storm. Personally, I refuse to buy into that superficial mindset - the pretty ones don't automatically get a pass anymore. I'm not going to slap a butterfly, but a figeater beetle chased after me the other day, and I wasn't having it. They say that figeater beetles don't chase people, and that they just run into people a lot because they're clumsy and adorable like baby elephants, but this is not true. That stupid thing was after me like I owed it money. It was coming for me like I'd insulted its mother. Some guy saw my "leave me alone" dance, and I'm pretty sure he didn't see the beetle, so he probably figured I was on bath salts or something. Stupid bug.

Anyway, if you missed it last week, Drew told everyone about his nutbutter. Don't worry, it's not as scary as it sounds. It's a w00tstout nutbutter, available for purchase here. A portion of the proceeds will go towards Fark, so if you enjoy nutbutters and you're looking for a way to help us out other than signing up for TotalFark, give it a try. Yeah, it's not cheap, but it's some tasty-ass Farknutbutter.


Comment Mentions

Scott Pruitt - 553
Cave - 1355
Second Civil War - 47
Fireworks - 680


Comment Votes

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week
Funny:
ralphjr had a member of the NYPD comment on a story
squidloe pointed out an advantage of the kids trapped in a cave
elvisaintdead complimented an allergy sufferer
Lady J knew who wouldn't be helpful in a rescue attempt
Chabash was really picky about what counts as sex
phalamir figured out who was buried in a recently-discovered sarcophagus
sno man decided that a kid's path in life is set by the time kindergarten starts
RodneyToady addressed concerns that radioactive wolves from the Chernobyl exclusion zone are spreading mutations (this comment really deserves more attention)
foo monkey knew exactly how to save that youth soccer team from the cave
Cyrus the Mediocre predicted trouble for the Roe v. Wade movie

Smart:
scottydoesntknow pointed out something about people who always complain about drama
Pin Fiften Clob was reminded of someone when a Starbucks employee mocked a customer's stutter
harleyquinnical discussed the U.S. health care system
Marcus Aurelius brought up another problem with health care in the U.S.
Ishkur wanted to correct a Vice writer who didn't understand "The Simpsons"
hubiestubert discussed one of Anthony Bourdain's main contributions to the world
PirateKing gave a brief history of dreadlocks
RodneyToady had issues with a study of the effects of cannabis for pain treatment
sno man decided that a kid's path in life is set by the time kindergarten starts
Walker had a question about use of a taser

TotalFark Discussion:
Note: This section can only be accessed by TotalFarkers  
Funny: whatshisname offered to help a submitter with a dad joke
Funny: Drew shared an important message
Funny: EggFool asked a good question about food
Smart: xanadian gave the answer to "What state has the most attractive people?"
Smart: KingKauff met some weirdo at a barbecue

CSB Sunday Morning:  How my family got here
Smart:
gordian's family discovered a relative through DNA testing
Funny: ThomasPaineTrain's ancestors wanted to escape sucky lives

CSB [Cool Story, Bro] Sunday Morning is a thread where Farkers share stories based on a weekly topic. If you have a topic idea for a CSB Sunday Morning thread, please submit it on Saturday afternoon/evening (you'll want to write out your intro first so you can copy and paste it in for the Boobies), or email dugitman.

Politics Funny:
Ranger Joe hoped Donald Trump would practice gun control
mrshowrules helpfully captioned a right wing protester
derpes_simplex had an idea for construction of Trump's border wall
Mike_LowELL was done with taking everyone's crap
HawgWild made a huge mistake

Politics Smart:
Snapper Carr compared some politicians' homes
Ranger Joe hoped Donald Trump would practice gun control
Maybe you should drive discussed being proud of being an American
hugram summed up the history of America's relationship with Russia
Bob_Laublaw shared a story about feeling privileged


Contest Votes

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week, listed from highest number of votes down

Photoshops:
Yammering_Splat_Vector revealed the secret to U.S. foreign policy
Cork on Fork found out what happens when you get your appliances mixed up
Yammering_Splat_Vector told a tale as old as time
ElectronChaser went with the Halloween costume version of Disney princesses
ionthrust corrupted a Pixar movie
RedZoneTuba ruined an innocent elephant
Yammering_Splat_Vector turned Trump into royalty
Herb Utsmelz experienced a familiar server issue
RedZoneTuba rubbed the wrong lamp
ionthrust broke some Chinese laws

Farktography:
SoCalChris won Farktography Contest No. 687: "Boom 2" with the happiest fireworks on Earth

Farktography is Fark's weekly photography contest. If you would like to suggest a Farktography theme, you can contact Elsinore or stop by the Farktography Forum.


Upcoming Fark Parties

See Farkers up close in their unnatural habitats 

Wednesday, July 18: 6th Annual Farks In The Wild Party at the Buffalo, NY Zoo
Thursday, July 19: Hop-Con w00tstout release party in San Diego, CA


Fark Headlines of the Week (brought to you by blythe)

Thanks as always to our awesome submitters and to our TotalFark voters!  We especially loved Sports and Geek this week!   

We love Headline of the Week because it lets us showcase the headlines that make us Fark: funny, creative, and looking at the article in sideways and unique way.  The headlines that you can share with your other-social-media-using friends and say *this* is Fark.  Here are a few of our favorites, check out the Fark blog for all the Headlines of the Week!

Main

A bear on a diet is surely a riot / a dog on a meal plan will get thin by the fall. / Buy a small bowl for the cat if he ever gets fat / but a hedgehog can never get slender at all

Sports

Praggnanandhaa becomes 2nd youngest chess grandmaster ever, credits help from Dr. Hfuhruhurr and Mr. Mxyzptlk

For the second straight time, Germany is defeated in Russia

Yellow cards matter

Geek

Astronomers dazzled by a brilliant supernova apparently haven't ever checked the resale value of one

Origins of those chocolate coins discovered

Entertainment 

I have a Bo Burnham New Yorker article for that

Politics

Jon Stewart has a message for Trump, though the rest of the Green Lantern Corps remains neutral

Business 

United Airlines installs TVs in all of their food prep facilities specifically to broadcast blaring 24x7 anti-union messages. And really, $11 an hour is pretty good after 30 years at work so they have a great point

Discussion

Is gin actually just flavored vodka? Is vodka really a subset of gin? Is gin really made of Christmas trees? Can vodka actually make me dance better?

Five best adventure movies of the '80s. Otherwise known as four goofy movies and "Aliens"

________________________ 

Voting for headlines is one of the perks of being a TotalFarker. You can join TotalFark here.
· · ·

36 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2018-07-10 11:46:53 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 11:53:20 AM  
Hey what's going on in this thread?
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 11:53:23 AM  
'Skeeters and locusts!
Itchy itchy buzz buzz buzz
Every year here in Vegas it's getting worse. Those locusts are NOT white noise
 
2018-07-10 11:53:37 AM  
Fark thinks I'm smart?

Boy, do I have you all fooled.  ...which I guess means, I *am* smart.  Which means I don't have you fooled.  Which means I'm not smart aaaand I just went crosseyed.
 
2018-07-10 12:01:54 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 12:02:52 PM  
I got nutten.
 
2018-07-10 12:26:40 PM  
Tasty ass-nutbutter?  This slogan may need some refining.
 
2018-07-10 12:30:05 PM  
i.imgur.comView Full Size

 
2018-07-10 12:31:19 PM  

Current Resident: [i.imgur.com image 320x223]


Yeah, I'm stealing that one.
 
2018-07-10 12:33:11 PM  
i.chzbgr.comView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 12:34:45 PM  
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.comView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 12:42:04 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 12:47:48 PM  

edmo: [img.fark.net image 560x388]


I have no clue why, but this image popped into my mind:
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 01:00:13 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size


Once again, I have successfully stayed under the radar and not been mentioned in this newsletter.
 
2018-07-10 01:36:58 PM  
Part of me is happy that the barbecue got mentioned. Part of me is annoyed that it's not for a pic I took at said barbecue. :p
 
2018-07-10 01:49:15 PM  
Professor Nutbutter's House Of Treats
Youtube l9CT9Fat8fA
 
2018-07-10 03:18:00 PM  
Outside is overrated
 
2018-07-10 03:33:14 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 03:46:17 PM  

Non Sequitur Man: [img.fark.net image 636x443]


Hey, it's good to see you again!
 
2018-07-10 03:51:33 PM  
I'm never gonna fap again
Guilty fingers have got no rhythm
I'm never gonna fap again
The way I fapped to yoooou
 
2018-07-10 04:02:39 PM  

DisseminationMonkey: Non Sequitur Man: [img.fark.net image 636x443]

Hey, it's good to see you again!


Thanks! Nice to be here.

I've been recuperating after an accident involving Coke, Mentos and electric squeegee.
 
2018-07-10 04:03:02 PM  
It's 1:00  pm pacific & I haven't received my newsletter yet. Are you still having trouble?
 
2018-07-10 04:05:49 PM  

Non Sequitur Man: I've been recuperating after an accident involving Coke, Mentos and electric squeegee.


Kinky.

bratface: It's 1:00  pm pacific & I haven't received my newsletter yet. Are you still having trouble?


They're still going out. It seems slower than usual, but not like last week. Dev fixed the weird server problem we had.
 
2018-07-10 04:23:42 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 04:26:52 PM  
I'd rather not people anymore than I have to. I'm especially not going to people when it's over 90
 
2018-07-10 04:59:11 PM  
That's a farkin june bug right thar man.  Don't be a pussy.  Wait'll you get a pissed off horse fly after ye.  farkers will chase you for a half mile and bring tha blood.

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 05:15:14 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: [i.chzbgr.com image 334x500]


FUZZY BUNNY!
 
2018-07-10 05:26:39 PM  

DisseminationMonkey: Non Sequitur Man: I've been recuperating after an accident involving Coke, Mentos and electric squeegee.

Kinky.

bratface: It's 1:00  pm pacific & I haven't received my newsletter yet. Are you still having trouble?

They're still going out. It seems slower than usual, but not like last week. Dev fixed the weird server problem we had.


Thanks Dis. I finally received mine about 45 minutes after I posted. It's weird though, I used to get them early in the morning.
 
2018-07-10 06:09:05 PM  

Non Sequitur Man: DisseminationMonkey: Non Sequitur Man: [img.fark.net image 636x443]

Hey, it's good to see you again!

Thanks! Nice to be here.

I've been recuperating after an accident involving Coke, Mentos and electric squeegee.


I haven't seen you in a hen's teeth worth of years!
How are you, buddy???
 
2018-07-10 06:11:17 PM  
If a pretty one like a butterfly or ladybug lands on us, we think we're magical and living in a Disney movie.

Nah. I did a Matrix style bullet dodge the other day when I thought a butterfly was going to fly into my face. Also, you've obviously never experienced a swarm of ladybugs so thick they cover the windows and you won't even go outside lest you be covered in, like, 30 other them.
 
2018-07-10 07:59:01 PM  

stovepipe: That's a farkin june bug right thar man.  Don't be a pussy.  Wait'll you get a pissed off horse fly after ye.  farkers will chase you for a half mile and bring tha blood.

[img.fark.net image 386x291]


Looks like a young Dale Jr. gone wrong.
 
2018-07-10 08:27:37 PM  
Quite a while ago I was a total Fark member. I have often thought about renewing my membership because there is some pretty darn funny threads only available with Total Fark. I still plan on someday doing just that but until I can get through the comments of two threads in a row on the main page or the entertainment page and not see one comment about the President or just politics in general ill save my monthly fee. It's almost a million dollars a month anyway when converted from Canadian into US dollars
 
2018-07-10 08:35:06 PM  
I have one encased in whatever passes for Lucite these days. It makes a great pendant.

upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 08:41:48 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-07-10 09:15:30 PM  
The fact that getting a mention in the Fark Newsletter is probably the high point of my week so far should tell you what kind of week I'm having.
 
2018-07-11 02:57:59 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size


Hey Monkey-D, I didn't know you ran a LOLcat cleaning service!
:-{p

/tried posting this 8 hours ago
//Fark just now taking it
///can't tell if connection problems or worst date ever!
 
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