Thanks to our wonderful submitters (the Business tab was our personal favorite this week!) and thanks to our TotalFark voters. These are our favorite Headlines of the Week, the headlines you can share with your boss or your kids or the person at the bar or coffee shop next to you and say *this* is Fark.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-05-27 to Sat 2018-06-02:

  UK woman breaks her arm during arm wrestling. If that sounds a bit over the top, well, it is

  Under no circumstances are you permitted to attempt DIY deportations, Mr. Flight School Instructor

  40,000 gallons of paint spills onto freeway. Although most vehicles stopped, witnesses swear they saw a van go

  And here are the most impressive verbal yoga poses media outlets used to avoid calling Roseanne racist

  THeRe aRE nEW rULeS iN ENGlisH FoR CaPiTaLiZaTiOn. use THeM

  , isn't it?

  "Jogger gored by bison on morning run." Never bother a bison on his morning run

  This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife

  Police shoot woman accused of stabbing therapist in Fullerton. For those of you who are not anatomy students, the Fullerton is just below the Brea

  PACOM renamed INDOPACOM. Subordinate commands plan to adjust, so get ready for INDOPACFLT, INDOPACMAN, Ms. INDOPACMAN, Indiana INDOPACERS, Green Bay INDOPACKERS, Manny INDOPACQUIAO, INDOPACIFIC Rim, INDOPACHELBEL, and delicious INDOPACZKI

  The morel of the story is, sometimes a mushroom is just a mushroom


Sports:

  The San Jose Sharks have determined that Kane is able

  Ronaldo Acuña Jr.'s knee is out at first

  Lebron, an old vet, JR Smith, a houseplant, and I guess a 5th player beat the Celtics in 7 games

  Inside the last 48 seconds, three ties, two lead changes, and one JR Smith brain freeze of regulation in the NBA Finals last night

  Sting and Shaggy to appear before Stanley Cup game 3. No word yet on Scooby


Geek:

  Traces of opioids have been found in Puget Sound shellfish, leading to claims that doctors are over-prescribing drugs for mussel pains

  I only drink wine bottled in an obscure region near Cleveland. It's a unique little terroir, you probably haven't heard of it

  Population 4,100 Elevation 1,518

  Nuclear fallout, take me home. To the vault, where I belong. West Virginia, Mutant momma, take my caps. Take me home

  Lightning bolts colliding, very very frightening me. Video


Entertainment:

  Hi, I'm Phil Hartman. You might remember me from such anniversaries as my murder 20 years ago this week

  Tom Arnold has to seek medical help for a shiat eating grin that has lasted more than 4 hours

  Nickelback star selling home for $4.88 million and 95 cents

  Benedict Cumberbatch is a gig economy superhero


Politics:

  Not gonna die. Not at this juncture. Wouldn't be prudent

  "We didn't expect the Skripals to survive" says doctor, Putin

  Romneybot had to be reprogrammed for the Utah senate race

  Hellmouth closed

  Samantha Bee apologizes for calling Ivanka feckless

  The Spanish voters could feel the canned heat in their heels

  Bob went to Jared's...close friend. Must be planning something big and noteworthy

  "EPA spent $1,560 on customized fountain pens for Pruitt: emails." Fountain pens that email? Sounds like a bargain

  The White House is in the early stages of planning for Trump's first annual performance review

  Trump to meet with rival hotel executive over dinner


Business:

  ♪ I'd Like to Teach the World to ... Drink Alcoholic Beverages ♪

  World's tallest all-wood office building been built in Queensland. They are employing state of the art anti fire, termite, and keebler-elf technology

  Apple is going to OLED screens for all its phones. After winning that lawsuit, guess who the sole supplier is. Need a hint? The answer is just 'round the corner

  De Beers reverses long time policy, will begin selling diamonds grown in De Lab

  Chrysler may join Studebaker, Hudson, and Cord as soon as this Friday. And no, that's not a team of lawyers hoping to stop it

  EU to retaliate against 'unacceptable' US metal tariffs, may take measures against Europop and EDM exports


Discussion:

  Tired of being a new parent? Buy this stroller

  Never date a lawyer. Never marry a lawyer. If you meet a lawyer on the street, do NOT make eye contact. I cannot stress this enough; because, if I DID stress it enough, I fear I would end up in court with a lawsuit on my hands

  5 4-week-old kittens are rescued after 2 people spot 1 cat carrier left in 90° heat on the side of I-495. Nicknamed the 495-5, they require 4 weeks of bottle feeding. This story reported by channel 5. I was told there would be no math on Caturday

  We asked people to describe the drunkest they've ever been in just 6 words. Surprisingly, the word Farker never appears