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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-01-14 to Sat 2018-01-20
Posted by Blythe at 2018-01-22 11:05:51 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

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1121 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jan 2018 at 12:30 PM (1 year ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

We're back with Headline of the Week!  We had so much fun with Headline of the Year - thanks again to everyone for reading and voting!  We're now slowly catching up on the last weeks of December and beginning of January Headlines of the Week - they're all *mostly* done, but those last few steps to get to our favorites sometimes takes a bit because we like so many.

We kept a few more favorites than usual this week, especially in main and politics.  There were still a *lot* more that we wish we could include.  Thank you submitters and thanks to our TotalFark voters!  We love *all* our submissions, and for Headline of the Week it needs to be funny, creative, or look at the article sideways or just in a different and unique way.  The kind of headline that you can show to your friend / spouse / bartender and tell them *this* is Fark.

Check out the NotNewsletter this week for a quick summary of the tabs, and read on here for your Headlines of the Week!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2018-01-14 to Sat 2018-01-20:  For the first time, the 3 best-selling beers in America are light beers. Don't people realize they have less alcohol?  Oh my God! See lions attacking swimmers in San Francisco Bay! Oh, sorry, I mean sea lions are attacking swimmers in San Francisco Bay. Wait, that's not much better  What rolls down the track / Built by lumberjack / And over your neighbor's dog? / What's terribly fast / And prob'ly won't last / It's log log log  Erratic, cunning, linguist robs chauffeur  U.S. ambassador to North Korea charged with DUI  You can't park here. Try upstairs  Indonesian stock exchange collapses. THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FARKING METAPHOR  Police report many loaves and fish were confiscated  Woodward killed Bernstein because he was getting too close to deep throat  Japan does its best Hawaiian impression, issues ballistic missile alert  Moscow's 2017 December was 'darkest' on record. Look, you guys chose this timeline, don't come whining to us  I submitted this earlier, but clicked the wrong link  Well, Johnny, how was school today? OK, I guess. Tommy farted in homeroom, and we had pizza for lunch, then the cops came in and shot up the armed robber, so can you come an pick me up early?  Woman complains to social media when restaurant enforces ban on outside food  VA won't study effects of medical marijuana on veterans leaving it up to veterans to conduct self testing  My hovercraft is full of eels. Sorry, my English is bad. That should be "mall restroom"  Llouts lleave llamas llacking llids. Llocals llament lloss  Part of I-78 in NJ is now the cleanest stretch of highway in the country  Drunk droning now illegal in New Jersey. Bagpiping under the influence still legal  750kg of cocaine found hidden in pineapples. Police describe the suspect as wide-eyed and square pantsed  Toronto Board of Health to hold public hearings on the dangers of nuclear weapons and radiation fallout. How's it glowing, eh?  Deer carcasses used to lure, shoot eagles in Klickitat County. You'd think an eagle would be smart enough to avoid Klickitat bait  I'm not sure that AP guidelines cover having ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ in an actual headline, CNN, much less in coverage of a government shutdown

Sports:  Why is fighting in the NHL down to historic lows, and what can be done to fix this terrible problem?  Today the world was introduced to the Whiff 6  Novak Djokovic needs more money to buy condor eggs  God is dead  Win probability scale of Saints-Vikings game basically looked like a Richter Scale measurement of a large earthquake at the end  Tennessee Titans decide they're tired of all the Mularkey  Cubs owner to Sammy Sosa: Confess. Confess. CONFESS  Happy "Todd Haley Firing Day", Steelers Fans  It's Official. Superb Owl will end in controversy  Tom Brady injured his hand in football practice, ability to play is questionable. No word if his injury was caused by an over-inflated football

Geek:  And a lobster feels no pain. And the butter never cries  Scientists create mini gamma ray burst, though they ensured mini Bruce Banner was kept far away from it  You're really gonna see something fly when that snowplow hits 88 MPH  I used to be a nurseryman, until I took a yucca to the ear  There's something ancient and unyielding in the foundations of the Pentagon  Commodity Commission cites conned customers, commences case charging crypto-currency company chiefs. Cyber-coin crackdown continues  A little bit of fungi can go a long way to preventing bridge decay  "Okay, now ... WAVE"

Entertainment:  Some guy watches a 17 hour broadcast about a train crossing Australia. "I see what I think is a cow (I hear a moo), and it is the most exciting thing to happen to me in hours"  Saudi Arabia begins screening films after decades-long ban lifted. One of the first movies to be screened was The Emoji Movie...aaaand the ban has already been put back in place  Rapper Kodak Black arrested in Florida. We'll have more on this story as it develops  The Kinks bassist Jim Rodford finally tells death 'You Really Got Me'

Politics:  My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who heard Mitt Romney say he was running for Utah senator at 31 flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious  Abu Dis suggested as Palestinian Capital. Now how Abu Dat  Google, Facebook, Twitter are bad. In fact, they are worse than Hitler according to great historian, Alex Jones. You see, social media is latin for concentration camp. A lot of people don't know that  Fox would like you all to stop politicizing MLK day and be respectful on this great day. Now, back to "All the Terrible Things that Minorities are doing to Ruin America", a 9,742 part series  "When Canada sends its people, they're not sending the best. They're sending people that have lots of problems ... They're bringing snow, they're bringing politeness. They're hockey players and some, I assume, are good people"  Hey, blank paper  Mr. Durbin pulls a Dick move and throws down the gauntlet  Trump is obsessed with trying to determine who he'll run against in 2020. That optimism is refreshing  Face-eating leopards having an all-you-can-eat buffet in Kentucky. Thank goodness turtles have shells  Begun, the Girther Movement has  Sen. Orrin Hatch: ( • _ •)⌐◼-◼( • _ •)  ♫ Would I lie to you? / Would I lie to you dimwits? / Now would I say something that wasn't true? / I'm asking you dullards / Would I lie to you? ♫  Trump denies he has gotten informed about the border wall  Senator Graham has been sucking up to Donald Trump, and now it has blown up in his face. Maybe he did not see it coming. Not that there's anything wrong with that  "And blessed are the men of the cloth who yell at black reporters simply asking if the racist president is, in fact, racist." Through the bounty of Trump, our Lord. Amen  The U.S. Special Forces community doesn't understand ladders  Now THIS is what happens when a farker runs for office as a Republican. Let me be clear, I will make them afraid to hand me a microphone. Link goes to esite without a paywall  In his first year as president, Trump couldn't find a single world leader who liked to eat McDonald's burgers for dinner  The party of upstanding Christian values and impeccable personal responsibility has yet another FBI investigation to contend with. Eric Greitens, Republican Governor of Missouri, CMON DOWN. It's your turn on WHEEL. OF. BLACKMAIL  JudGeS nEed tO GeT oVEr thE FaCt ThAt doNaLd TruMp IS thE pResIdent And sTOp tRyiNg tO AnNul His eLeCTion  A complete guide to dealing with the wild, weird, and never wonderful President Trump -- a real man of genius  The Russians Are Tweeting. The Russians Are Tweeting  Obama is still using the time machine. What, you thought it could only go BACKWARDS in time?

Business:  Paging Ric Romero to the Business tab. Ric Romero, please report to the Business tab ... and bring the Obvious tag with you  Getting Americans to swallow spotted dick is hard  Ford decides to bring back the Ranger, with new, exciting mid-sized sedan features such as a 4 cylinder engine, increased fuel efficiency, and not being able to win a World Series  This year's CES was sponsored by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, whose investors will be first against the wall when the revaluation comes  Ener-Vac or Ray-O-Gizer?  Malware developers are now demanding ransoms in local currencies as Bitcoin's fluctuations mean [to view rest of headline, please send 10,000 beers]  Article argues how to successfully invest in bitcoin, which is kind of like successfully laundering your money through a shredder  Venezuela experiences an inflation rate of 440,000 percent. Recent buyers of video cards reply, "Pffft, amateurs"

Discussion:  You know the real trouble with school today is best friends. Yep, forming friendships is very corrosive and damaging to a kid's psyche... OK, you have to be kidding me. Next thing you're gonna tell me is puppies are bad for you  Puppies are bad for you  Mama Fratelli is back to give us all a serving of her tongue and an update on Sloth. Hey you guys,shuffle in at approximately 3:30PM EST  Pffffffffft Subby put his entertainment center together with four screws to spare. ~smug smile~  "Sometimes I've called writing a disease. If so, I'm glad that it caught me." -Charles Bukowski. Yeah, it sure beats the flu, I'll tell you that. This is your Fark Writer's Thread, highly contagious edition  Pop Tate makes the world's biggest cheeseburger. Too bad Jughead's still on a hunger strike.Join us for the first "Riverdale" of 2018, tonight on the CW, 8PM ET  What is the best flavor/texture/style of potato chip? We should be able to easily form a consensus here
· · ·

3 Comments     (+0 »)
2018-01-22 12:54:23 PM  
This is the right one, y'all. Blame the pod people.
2018-01-22 01:16:23 PM  

DisseminationMonkey: This is the right one, y'all. Blame the pod people.

Or the h4x0r p1g5...
2018-01-22 01:17:51 PM  

DisseminationMonkey: This is the right one, y'all. Blame the pod people.

Damn the pod eaters!

I are happy. I have a HOTW.

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