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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-10-22 to Sat 2017-10-28
Posted by Blythe at 2017-10-31 8:39:21 AM (4 comments) | Permalink

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1287 clicks; posted to Main » on 31 Oct 2017 at 9:06 AM (1 year ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Thanks to our submitters and thanks to our TotalFark voters!  These are your Headlines of the Week!

We love all the headlines that we've greened, but the ones that make it to Headline of the Week are funny, smart, look at the world sideways, and make you read it twice.  The kind of headline you can show to your friend, your partner, your boss and say "*this* is Fark".  For the NotNewsletter we highlight the headlines that got near the top voted, and are still so great that we wanted an extra place to showcase them.  The top voted go in Headline of the Week and very soon we'll look at them again as we start voting soon on Headline of the Year!

But for now - your Headlines of the Week are here, and the headlines that deserve a second look are in the NNL.  Enjoy!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-10-22 to Sat 2017-10-28:  Woman sweats blood. Doctors baffled but say it's nothing to feel stigmatacized about  16 Afghan soldiers training in Alabama have gone AWOL, "may pose a security risk" due to age, military training, higher thread count  Woman dies when molten caramel enters huge tank she is cleaning at confectionery factory. Friends and coworkers remember her for her sweet disposition, soft heart, and chewy center  In related news, Bill O'Reilly announces that he named his penis "God"  The Sackler family doesn't want you to know that the Sackler family got its Sackler family fortune by creating the opioid addiction epidemic, which is brought to you by the Sackler family  Apparently, dishwashers may be a fire hazard, which is weird because mine quit smoking 4 years ago this January  The first Newfie says "Hey look, UFO" and the second Newfie says "No, YOU F-O"  Nintendo 64 left behind after tires slashed. Police following trail of discarded bananas, shells, and coins  Homicide victim found in cemetery. I mean, yeah, that's where they go, right?  If you feel your Soul is headed in the wrong direction, surrender it to the maker  Nasty woman complains that Whitefish stinks  Medium well done  ... --- ... .-.-.- / -.. --- --. / ... ..- .--. .--. .-.. -.-- / .-. ..- -. -. .. -. --. / .-.. --- .-- .-.-.- / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / ... . -. -.. / -.- . - -.-. .... ..- .--. .-.-.-  Catalan declares independence after Spain refuses to give them wood for sheep  How do you keep an asshole in suspense for a weekend?  Deer crashes into Dollar Tree store, asks clerk "Do you have anything for a buck?"

Sports:  Vikings don't want to expose Bridgewater to slippery London field. Gregg Williams seen converting all his pounds back to dollars  St. Louis Cardinals promote Shildt to bench coach, hoping he won't hit fans  During the Ravens-Dolphins game Thursday night, a cat ran out onto the field. It was the best executed play of the game

Geek:  CRISPR Bacon  The government's weather control machine just added a new tool to its arsenal  Dolphin brains can show signs of Alzheimer's, which explains the Jay Cutler signing  Windows XP's iconic wallpaper hill survived California wildfires. Firewall worked for once

Entertainment:  Actor who played a butler who became a lieutenant governor with many other roles passes away. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode  Newman's own wristwatch sells at auction for $17,752,500  Mark Hamill³

Politics:  WH Press Secretary wants to know what you will do with the $4k raise you will get from corporate tax cuts. Subby plans to buy a unicorn  'Well, you see, when daddy autocrat really loves his oligarch, they have a baby called a shell corporation. . . '  "Pressure mounts on Trump over troops killed in Niger", especially in the areas of pronunciation and diction  Rick Wilson aptly names Trump's border wall prototypes "Douchehenge"  Rep Ted Lieu sends out a Tweet welcoming Sen. Flake "to the resistance" then introduces the other members : Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, Deja Vu, Latrine, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse  In the midnight hour, Xi cried "Mao, Mao, Mao"  Democratic Representative Luis Gutiérrez of Illinois mocked President Donald Trump's cringe-worthy visit to Puerto Rico by bringing a pack of paper towels to the House floor. No word if Trump will put a Bounty on his head  D2S has lost the support of officers in the military, as well as most of the Air Force  Georgia's election server was wiped clean just as a forensic investigation into possible voter fraud was getting started. I'm starting to think these people aren't honest  Loony lib complains that the GOP tax plan "declares war on everyone who isn't a millionaire," even though not a single billionaire is complaining about it

Business:  Target says customers want it to stop the 'Christmas Creep.' Look, just because I do things there while wearing a Santa Claus hat doesn't give people the right to call me names  New survey says 7 in 10 seniors are targeted for fraud. The other three have not yet signed up for Medicare  Toys R Us offers drive-up service for online orders. it won't be the first time a Barbie is picked up curbside

Discussion:  His punctuation choices once sent an editor into cardiac arrest. His Mary Sue is named Mary Sue. His purple prose runs all of the colors of the spectrum. He is the scariest writer on Fark, and this is your Fark Writer's Thread  New Comics (10/25): A Russian astronaut with god-like powers had a baby, which was then abducted into an alternate reality. This is his story. Also, Jughead turns into a werewolf. Enjoy  Here are 13 of the most famous last words in history. Strangely absent is "Hey, what does this button do?"  Almost as spooky as checking your bank account after a Steam sale it's the Friday Fark Gaming Thread. Link goes to the Halloween Sale. What have you been playing this week? Side note what are older must-play games that fellow Farkers may have missed?
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4 Comments     (+0 »)
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2017-10-31 09:29:05 AM  
Reminds me I need to show the Xi headline to a Chinese friend to see if she gets it.
2017-10-31 10:40:29 AM  
There were a lot of good ones in there this week.  The asshole one and the Xi one are HOTY contenders for sure.
2017-10-31 12:26:17 PM  
Shameless AWing:
Never had 2 in one week before.  Wheee!

/That said, I bow to Xi.  Awesome.
2017-10-31 05:27:06 PM  

ZAZ: Reminds me I need to show the Xi headline to a Chinese friend to see if she Xi gets it.

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