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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-10-15 to Sat 2017-10-21
Posted by Blythe at 2017-10-23 11:45:00 AM (0 comments) | Permalink

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1196 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Oct 2017 at 11:46 AM (1 year ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Thanks as always to our great submitters, and thanks to our TotalFarkers for voting for the Headlines of the Week!

We get thousands of great headlines, but to make it to Headline of the Week it needs to be funny, creative, look at the world sideways in a great new way, and in the best cases, make us laugh and think at the same time.  The kind of headline you can tell the person at the bar next to you, your boss, your partner, your co-worker, your kid's teacher - the kind of headline that says *this* is Fark.

We choose the best and top voted headlines for Headline of the Week, usually 10 for Main and Politics and 3 for each of the other tabs - though lately when we we have so many that we love we've taken a few extra here and there - and over in the NotNewsletter we highlight a few great ones that didn't make it to Headline of the Week but we still loved.

Here are your Headlines of the Week.  Enjoy!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-10-15 to Sat 2017-10-21:  Woman who ate asbestos as a child has developed cancer at 23. It's a wonder she didn't get shingles, too  The skies of England have turned red with ash and dust. Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People mysteriously missing  Che Guevara would probably not be too happy with what Cuba looks like today. And don't even get him started on how much one of his shirts costs  Little girl perishes from massive crack overdose  Novelist Margaret Atwood receives Franz Kafka prize, or at least she will once the paperwork makes it through a nightmarish bureaucracy run by shadowy, malevolent forces  The list of banned items for the white supremacy speech, rally, and protest at University of Florida tomorrow. Underpants and service animals appear to be allowed  That's what Xi said  What do you get when you cross a Ewok with Gallagher? This guy  ISIS uses Facebook, LinkedIN, Google +, Instagram to recruit jihadis, marking the first time LinkedIN got anyone a job  "Sir, that's a $40 surcharge"  CIA fires trainee for repeated displays of apathy and disinterest, and then promptly outs her to the world on Twitter, ruining future career prospects. Nice work, CIA  Guy nabbed at airport trying to make Americium great again  Penal system sued for not helping hardened criminal  Somebody wake up CNN, the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 has resumed  Man accused of selling moonshine in Virginia and Tennessee caught with Fark party starter kit  This summer, you couldn't have laptops in your carry on. Now the FAA wants to ban laptops in checked bags. They should just stop transporting passengers, it's much safer  Man, Garfield was WAY more hardcore than I remember (possible NSFW stuff on page)  University bookstore employee stole over $20,000 worth of books. Officials did not turn up either textbook when searching his residence  LAN party in Tokyo  Czechmate, libs

Sports:  Aaron Rodgers walks into A. Barr  Yeah, well you'd still be better off showering in Flint than at Penn State  *NFL throws a flag* Free speech interference, on the White House. Cannot force players to suppress speech, can only encourage dialog. 10 tweet penalty and loss of talking point. Replay down

Geek:  Scientists discover chemical that makes cancer cells commit suicide. Still no cure for self-confident, happy, fulfilled cancer living in stable relationships  Magic mushrooms may be ideal to eat near the end of your life because they remove anxiety, cure depression, and help you spot the translucent llama hiding in your third eye tasked with taking you back to Valhalla on the iridescent wings of eagles  Dyslexia may be a problem of eye dominance, so you may need to pee on what you're reading to show it that you're the aphla  Raccoons pass famous intelligence test by breaking the rules. Captain Kirk would be proud

Entertainment:  "Abuela, can you tell us about the heroic American who helped rebuild Puerto Rico?" "Well, child, there once was this TV show called 'Real Housewives of New York'"  $32 MILLION payout for harassment? You can't explain that

Politics:  Well, it's not quite as good as "dotard" but "strangler of peace" is a decent jibe. Best Korea is pretty good at this insult game  24 Candles  Jeff Sessions is bucking his image as an anti-LGBT crusader by sending a top federal hate crimes lawyer to help prosecute a man on trial for the shooting death of gender-fluid teen Kedarie Johnson. No this is not the Twilight Zone  When Scott Pruitt dies, his personal Hell is going to be in the middle of the Monty Python fish slapping dance, but they'll be using 300-lbs salmon. This will happen every hour for all eternity  Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran delays his return to the Senate, causing concern that he may be in worse health than originally disclosed and may be suffering from a debilitating illness brought on by a lifetime of exposure to silent "h" 's  President signed law that unbeknownst to him effectively hindered law enforcement from punishing big corporate donors to both Democrats and Republicans. A law they had sought for years. No, not that President  Diane Feinstein has her first serious challenger...from the left. Kind of. Maybe. I'll come in again  Did the President just fark up a GOP wet dream?  Newt Gingrich: Day drinker, stroke victim, or cat-like typing detected?: "Presideent Trtump was rermarkably stgroing in hius joint press event with Sen McConnell. His grasp of the issues is very deep and growing"  Rick Wiles has determined, through a series of assumptions and random words plucked from the Breitbart word cloud, that the Las Vegas terror attack was perpetrated by a Top Secret Government Death Squad  Puerto Ricans displaced by hurricanes and insulted by Trump are moving to Florida, a swing state  Classy, there. Trump should have just let the polio survivor fall?  Mueller: "Have a seat, uh, Mr...Snekretary is it?" Snek: "Family name." Mueller: "Snekretary, I'll be honest, you're in bit of hot wat-" Snek: "WOOOOOO" Mueller: "The, um, f*ck???" Snek: "Scaramucci's energy drink" Mueller: *sips* -_- "woo" -_-  Inter-racial marriage is spiritual AIDS, says right wing religious nut job. on a related note, subby just won evangelical bingo, so there's that  Reporter: "Mr. Trump, what is your healthcare plan?" Trump: "Lizard. Fire Hydrant. Obama. CHANG"  Speaker Paul Ryan opposes the bipartisan agreement to save Obamacare subsidies and the individual insurance market, saying that he's given up on trying to govern and just wants to watch it all burn, adding: We live, we die, WE LIVE AGAIN  Woman states that she got no phone call from Trump when her Army son was killed in May.... even after she wrote a letter to Trump. She obviously doesn't realize how great the weather was for golfing in May  We secretly replaced the Tennessee GOP Twitter account with a St. Petersburg-based Russian troll farm. Let's see if anyone notices  McCain accuses Trump of Benghazi in Niger. I think I just won GOP Mad Libs  Alex Jones loses it know what, I'm just gonna stop this headline right here  Meet Vitali Shkliarov: The man bringing Bernie Sanders-style politics to Moscow, which he learned while working for Bernie Sanders. Wait, was there any US campaign that didn't have some Russian(s) working for them?  Pro-Trump Navy SEAL with two purple hearts appeared on Fox in defense of the Golden One earlier this month. Since this is Fark, you probably... oh, fark, just read the tag  Kelly: "Trump inelegantly expressed the great privilege of serving and dying with the best men on earth." Trump: "WRONG"  John McCain's memoir will be titled "The Restless Wave". Because "Old Man Yells at Cloud" was already taken  The Scaramucci Post tweets about Jews again for some reason. Mooch to release statement saying he was out of the country when tweet was posted in 3...2...1

Business:  On closer examination, about half of Silicon Valley's "unicorns" may actually be donkeys with a cotton candy spindle glued to their foreheads  It's likely that many of Napa's 2017 wines will display a mild smoky/ashy quality on the nose and show a finish that's heavy in burnt cinder and charred wood. In other words, SUPER PREMIUM PRICING, BABY  ♫ It's name is Rio and it digs up lots of sand / It lost 3 billion dollars in a deal gone bad / Accounting cover-ups to hide the loss were planned / Oh, Rio Tinto's facing lawsuits for the scam ♫  Ford recalls 1.3 million vehicles because the door may or may not be ajar  Acquitted are the cheesemakers  The stock market continues to insist that good news is obvious and bad news is fake. Which is kinda scary  It was thirty years ago today, when the markets were in disarray. Every trader had a certain style, but Black Monday took away their smiles. So may I introduce to you, the act you've known for all these years: Sgt. Bloomberg's Lonely Hedge Fund Band

Discussion:  I just learned that Mickey Mouse is actually Michael Mouse and Minnie's a diminutive for Minerva. What other weird not well known trivia can you share with the other farkers?  He's been to Conjunction Junction. All of his tenses are perfect. He once wrote a total ellipsis that turned the sky dark and terrified superstitious peasants. He is the most interesting writer on Fark, and this is your Fark Writer's Thread  More fun than lazy developers with a huge day one patch it's the Friday Fark Gaming Thread. Link goes to Civ III Complete free at Humble Bundle. What have you been playing? Side discussion what genre(s) do you enjoy that have kind of died out?  In case you missed it, Gord Downie has died. Canada pays tribute with the documentary "Long Time Running" airing at 8 p.m. (stream in link)
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