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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-07-09 to Sat 2017-07-15
Posted by Blythe at 2017-07-17 1:07:54 PM (1 comment) | Permalink
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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-07-09 to Sat 2017-07-15:
'Parachute malfunction' and 'lucky to be alive' are two phrases you don't typically see in the same headline
Ahh what a lovely day to take my pet crocodile for a walk on the beach. Surely no one will have a problem with this
I'm not saying it's a streetlight, but it's a streetlight that eats other streetlights
Democrats figure they can beat Trump by running a New York politician with a famous name and ethics issues, because that worked so well in 2016
Newton beats Darwin this time
Quebec man wants to legalize squirrel hunt-- ÉCUREUIL
After explosion, fire at Merrimack plant, fire crews monitor situation
Bad: You're 57 and guilty of forging your late mother's checks. Badder: You're IDed in the headline as "Son of Monkey Head Doctor." Fark: THAT "Monkey Head Doctor"
"Hi, we're newborn grey whale calves. Nice to meet you" (pics)
Who's a good dog? You are. You're a good dog, aren't you. Good dog
The THAAD miththle defenthe thythtem wath a thuccethth after all. THAAD
80-person human chain saves family from drowning. Link to the left, link to the right
Microsoft font may bring down Pakistani government, resulting in a political environment Sans Sharif
Nope tries to board boat. Paddle faster
Class ring found in lake, returned to owner 35 years after being lost. Owner now living in a cave, eating raw fish, chasing hobbit
Cobras seized at JFK Airport. Destro vows revenge
Cryptography professor finds enigma machine in flea market bargain bin, although he did Nazi who was selling it
Airport testing robot to help passengers through security checkpoints, both for efficiency and the fact that having a cold, remorseless machine tell you to take your clothes off in public IS some people's fetish
"Being a writer requires an intoxication with language." -Jim Harrison. Dangit, and all this time I was going with bourbon. This is your Fark Writer's thread, anti-sobriety edition
Tinder moments lead to old fashioned courtship
How you can help save the Internet. Do it for Fark. Do it for freedom. DO IT FOR PORN!
Here's the listing. You have to guess what the Subject of the list is. 1. New York. 2. Washington. 3. Chicago. 4. Miami. 5. Boston. 6. Philadelphia. 7. Atlanta. 8. Tampa. 9. Houston. 10. New Orleans
Do you want day-drinking? Because I'm pretty sure this is how you get day-drinking
Mail thief arrested for attacking Milton officer, choosing to reign in hell instead of serving in heaven
Suspect arrested for setting fire to tool store. Apparently, they were out of him
Huh, I bet I can submit this one with a witty headline. Lemme see . . . *screech* *crash*
Texas now allows you to bring a sword to a gun fight
If you have to call the cops to your house 55 different times, then yes, on the 55th time they are allowed to use pepper spray
On the positive side, at least United didn't beat up the dog
Thousands sign up to clean sewage because they didn't read the wifi terms and conditions
I'll see your 8-pound bass caught on a Buzz Lightyear pole and raise with a 381-pound dressed tuna caught by a 12-year-old
These guys drank a 61-year-old bottle of Coca-Cola. "Have you ever licked an old couch?"
This stupid car doesn't even work and it is all over the news so you can have it back
First woman to win math's Fields Medal successfully divides by zero
Chesapeake Bay area residents warned of waterspouts coming on shore. Eensy weensy spiders hardest hit
A computer has determined the top words to sum up each English soccer club. Man United? "Expensive" and "boring" Arsenal? "embarrassing." Chelsea? "Racist"
Please stop. He's already dead
We investigated ourselves and found we did nothing wrong
That time Joe Buck went down to Cabo and ate pot brownies like a freshman
Only at the All-Star Game is where a player can get a snapshot of him with the umpire of the game
Only in the NBA would the phrase "boombox fish tank" make any sense
Let's check in with Sammy Sosa and see how he is doing these days. O.O
Red Sox to pay $95 million to someone I don't know. Who? THIRD BASE
That's Emmy-Nominated John Cena to you, Jack
Most of us are living in a real universe, not some computer simulation like you basement dwellers
We destroyed trust in authority figures, and scientists were not spared. Flat Earthers, Goop, and anti-Vaxxers; it's all just getting started
The strange and righteous history of the equals sign
This drone can deliver beer a distance of 14 miles at a speed of 45mph. We're living in the future, people
Strange noise in gravitational-wave data sparks debate
Breast milk pumping problems suck, but there are some simple tricks to making it easier to swallow
What happens when you put a silencer on a machine gun? Well, it works, for a while
Mars mission may be off as "deadly" "space" "bacteria" that could "kill" all humans is found on the red planet. This PSA brought to you by the not-scientists at The Express. Would you like to know more?
With Japan, the Weird tag is sometimes an understatement
Your response to stress can be categorized as fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flood, or fatigue. FFFFFF-
"Researchers reveal skyrmion physics driven by magnons in confined geometries," which might be a video game. Or the secret to the universe. Or a math tutorial. Or who knows what. It does have neat illustration, though
Children born to mothers with diabetes during pregnancy are at risk of developing attention OOOH GOLDEN SHINY PONIES
Microsoft wants to plug rural broadband gap with TV white space, bring BSoDs to everyone
Temba, his arms open
"Civilization is f-ked without the Great Barrier Reef. F-ked, Coral"
Study finds ravens are amazing problem solvers but still four games out of first
BBC to reveal the new worst Doctor ever on Sunday
Frogs in spaaaace
"Balls have zero to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to"
"The only secure computer system is one that is not connected to a network, does not have any USB slots, and has top-level encryption passwords to get inside. Even then, it's still not completely safe." Obvious tag is in your root directory
Growing sophistication of sex robots is leading to moral and legal dilemmas. For one thing, when a sex robot says 10010110, it really means 11100110
Scientists are excited after finding a 150,000-year-old baby tooth. Latest calculations show that the infant who owned the tooth is now owed $7 million by the Tooth Fairy
People who don't believe in climate change couldn't see the forest for the seas
So, how many times has Mario died since the character was introduced? Turns out the answer is a lot. Coming next: How many turtles have been murdered by Mario. How many times Mario has been high on mushrooms
Want to know why Hollywood always seems to be out of new ideas? Because the old ideas make money. Lots and lots and lots of sweet, beautiful money (with a nifty chart and everything)
Despite saying he would rather slash his wrists than play Bond again, Daniel Craig reportedly signs on for the next film. Turns out a barrel full of money can be very persuasive
A roundup of what we know so far about "Star Trek: Discovery" to the left, people talking about how they're not going to fork over the cash for CBS All Access to the right
Fifty Shades star Jamie Dornan appears in a new tourism campaign for Northern Ireland. Amusing photo error has no one looking at the landscape, though
Twin Peaks's conspiracy time-and-space blog is real, and is straight outta 1997
George R.R. Martin to spend even less time writing "The Winds of Winter"
Topless protesters storm the stage during Woody Allen concert. Yes, all of those words are correct
Woody Fraser, TV executive and mentor of Roger Ailes, is facing sexual harassment claims. Ultra-rare Woody trifecta complete
If you hate every ape you see, from Chimpan-A to to Chimpan-Z, then this oral history is for you
Stuntman on the Walking Dead dies in fall on set. Doesn't rule out returning to the show
This just in: Charlie Sheen to become even more insufferable
It's time to celebrate the man who brought martial arts to American cinema for the first time. That's right, it's time to celebrate ... Spencer Tracy?
Can someone please explain to subby what the hell is going on here? Preferably with simple words and maybe a graph or two? Seriously...who the hell is Miles Morales?
Trump discusses henhouse security with fox
Trump missed several G20 meetings, probably due to being dizzy from pulling 180s all weekend
Trump sees a segment on Fox & Friends, assumes Comey committed treason. At least we know he's up before 7
Steve Bannon has a portrait of himself as Napoleon. That makes so much sense
"Republicans debate 'Plan B' if Obamacare repeal fails." Hobby Lobby does NOT approve
Trump has an "enemies list" so extensive he makes Nixon look like a devout Quaker by comparison
Donnie Junior's meeting with a Russian lawyer was set up by PR specialist Rob Goldstone at the request of a Russian singer-songwriter who claimed he had information that the DNC was taking illegal campaign funds from Russia. Makes perfect sense
Trump's CDC pick is sort of qualified, sort of a quack
When Hillary and Obama did things like what the Trump administration has, we subjected them to years of investigations and rumor. Wait, what site is this article on again?
When the headline has this much snark, there can be only one question: What's her Fark handle?
RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSheyIA RUthisSSIA RUSSIseemsA RlikeUSSIA RUSaSIA RgoodUSSIA RUSStimeIA RUtoSSIA RUSSItryA RUStoSIA RpassUSSIA RUSStrumpcareIA RUSSIA RUSSIA
Rancor grows between the press and the White House, fueling fears it will develop a taste for human flesh just like the one kept at Jabba's palace
Y'all come on down to Bryant's Rent-All. We've got door-buster prices on tent and backhoe rentals, and this Wednesday only each auger rental comes with VP access
So the Obama DOJ let that Russian lawyer in to the US without a visa to attend Congressional hearings as a special guest of Democrats. Then she met with Trump Jr. Is she the Black Widow?
White House trying to MacGyver a strategy to put out the Russian fire using only gasoline, thirteen bottles of Russian vodka (they were a gift), a warehouse of Chinese fireworks, and a dozen whoopee cushions
Pence said that? In public? To a crowd of people?
Question: just how desperate is Trump for a military parade? Answer: very, very desperate
Good News: Time Magazine gives Donald a real cover to hang at his golf courses. Bad News: Eric is going to want his own cover now
Trump's personal lawyer may be unable to get a security clearance, due to his past and possibly present struggles with alcoholism. But to be fair, having Trump as a client would make even a Mormon go on a bender that would impress Hunter S. Thompson
POTUS unclear on concept of "off-the-record"
Sessions releases list of foreig███████████████████ in response to █████████
Mike Pence's people say it is "offensive" to suggest that Pence is, in ANY way, distancing himself from... what's that guy's name? The one he only knows from work? A Mr....Trump? Yeah, that's it. Trump
♫ ♪ My Donnie lies over the Russians / My Donnie lies over the pee / My Donnie lies over and over / Stop straining our credulity ♪ ♫
Gorka fancies himself Trump's pit bull when he's more of a pit bull/shih tzu hybrid, a bull shih tzu, if you will
Los Angeles, which used to host dozens of adult cinemas, is down to only two ... frequented by the 20 people in the entire city who have never heard of the internet
Bill Murray opening Caddyshack-themed restaurant near his hometown of Rosemont, Illinois. So they got that going for them, which is nice
Want to buy happiness? Use your spare cash on pets, plays and planes - not Prada
You can rent my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh but you've got to return my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh but 300,000 of you didn't return my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh so much for my business model odel odel eh eh eh
Retail stores run scared as Amazon quickly approaches in the rear view mirror
Will you be the first on your block to buy the new pink pineapples?
Germans are losing their taste for pork. Hasselhoff terrified he's next
Football league sets record revenue. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one
Protip: When engaging in insider trading, don't google "insider trading"
I suppose this explains why I never got the Beelzebubble-Bath I ordered back in 1983
Here's one more thing to blame Millennials for: the decline of the motorcycle industry. Turns out the kids just don't see the appeal of becoming mobile organ donors
The bad news for Fiat/Chrysler is the airbags in a whole lot of their vehicles don't work. The good news for Fiat/Chrysler owners is that it makes it easier for them get out of their burning car
World's largest Ferris Wheel (630' high) nears completion in Dubai. Because when it's 110 degrees outside, why not try to get closer to the sun?
During Earth's 4.5-billion-year history, five major extinction events have wiped out nearly all the species on the planet. Guess what time it is
Strangely enough, "Hold my beer and watch this" is not included
Dear Prudence: I'm a bisexual grad student dating a married couple. I live with them and we're polygamous. Now they're expecting a baby. Things are getting weird and I don't know what my status is. Should I bail now or see how it plays out?
Here are the weirdest laws in every state. How many have you violated?
How middle class is your kitchen?
Size of Delaware? Meh. Twice the volume of Lake Erie? One TRILLION tons? Holy crap. What frame of reference gets your attention?
For all you Eve Online Farkers: Five years ago, submitter posted a tongue-in-cheek post requesting the devs add the ability to clothe in-game corpses. The post has continued to grow in his absence. Grossness to the left, condemnation to the right
A stranger in a strange land. (How to kill two days in Portland, Maine)
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