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Canadian girlfriends, domestic citrus, and NFL drug testing. These are YOUR Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-04-30 to Sat 2017-05-06
Posted by ox45tallboy at 2017-05-11 9:46:56 AM (3 comments) | Permalink

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1604 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2017 at 9:46 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Welcome back to another edition of Fark's Headlines of the week, where we show the funniest, smartest, and just plain weirdest headlines from the previous week. We had a pretty good crop this week, if I do say so myself. These headlines are selected from YOUR votes, so whenever you see one you like, be sure and hit that thumbs up button in the comment thread header and you just might see it here next week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-04-30 to Sat 2017-05-06:  Six Thai fighters killed in rebel ambush. Too late for Ackbar  Best Twitter bot of all time trolls megachurch evangelist pastor and notorious conman Joel Osteen's tweets by replacing all mentions of "God" with "your dick"  Angela Merkel shocks hosts by going topless  Colgate University in Upstate New York went on lockdown for over 4 hours last night because someone saw an art student enter the student center with a GLUE GUN for a project. Authorities believe the charges won't stick  On the plus side, everyone now knows he really did have a Canadian girlfriend  Man found nailed to a tree. Jesus, that has got to hurt  Oregon man submits resume for Benghazi investigation  Guess what happens if you take a drug called "Gray Death"  Lions, and tigers, and bears ... all die  Atlanta gangsters guilty of shooting mime, not using a silencer  The Satanic Temple, doing God's work

Sports:  Marshawn Lynch thanks fans with a full-page ad in the Seattle Times. Everyone knew it was from Lynch because the entire page was blank  Bob Marley's grandson invited to Redskins minicamp. League to drug test him three times a day  Alabama head coach Nick Saban to be paid $11.125 million this season. Or $4 million for each student he graduates, whichever is greater

Geek:  Average American gains 30 pounds from ages 20 to 50. Science says it may be because of a single molecule. In other news, beer now considered a molecule  After ruling out corduroy, scientists puzzled by the eerie "whistling" sounds beamed back to Earth from inside Saturn's rings  Mass circumcision ceremony for pre-teen boys scheduled. Tip-off at 9:00am

Entertainment:  Elizabeth Warren goes on record as a fan of Ballers, no word on Shot Callers or Twenty-inch blades on the Impala  What do you want? How about one of the greatest sci-fi television shows ever now available to stream for free  KFC releases romantic novella about Colonel Sanders, in which he probably describes his paramours as finger-licking good

Politics:  Trump is "looking into breaking up big banks" while his staffers search the White House to find out how Bernie got in and where he is hiding  Sentient tub of Cinnabon frosting Chris Christie vetoes a bill requiring politicians to release tax returns that was inspired by Trump, but there's no conflict of interest. Why do you keep saying that Trump has any conflicts of interest?  Le Pen admits plagiarizing adversary's speech, but says it's okay because it's been said hundreds of times, then regales reporters with her tales of being born a poor black woman on the south side of Chicago  Austria's Green Party teaches women how to urinate standing up; your party teaches squat

Business:  U.S. ends a ban on imported Argentine lemons after realizing we have millions of domestic lemons that are produced each year in Detroit  Soylent raises $50M in venture capital, founder says he's working on "new innovations in product categories." I hear they need lots of people  Johnson & Johnson ordered to pay $110 million in damages to a woman who says their baby powder gave her cancer & cancer
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3 Comments     (+0 »)
2017-05-11 10:31:36 AM  
2017-05-11 11:51:46 AM  

King Something: Penis.

^True, this^

Beneath the rule of men entirely great, the pen *is* mightier than the sword.  Behold, the arch-enchanter's wand itself is nothing!  But taking sorcery from the master hand to paralyze the Caesers and to strike the loud earth breathless, take away the sword!

States can be saved without it.
2017-05-11 07:13:49 PM  
It's Thursday.  I kinda figured the HOTW went away for whatever reason.  I missed it, I'll take getting it on Thursday.

keep hoping I'll show up in it.  Think it's happened once in the last 10 years, but that could be wishful thinking.

/ No, I won't check my profile
// if it's false I'll feel bad
/// if it's true nothing changes
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