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The status of industrial metal, the fate of the Facebook Live killer, and where cheeseburgers come from. These are YOUR Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-04-16 to Sat 2017-04-22
Posted by ox45tallboy at 2017-04-26 7:09:51 PM (3 comments) | Permalink
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1734 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Apr 2017 at 7:20 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Greetings, and welcome to another edition of Fark's Headlines of the Week, where we bring you the funniest, smartest, and punniest headlines submitted over the week. Not a huge selection this week, but there are a few I think we'll be seeing later in the year in the HotY contest.

Remember, these headlines come from your votes, so if you see one that makes you chuckle, click that thumbs-up button in the comment header.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2017-04-16 to Sat 2017-04-22:  Local uproar about cheese waste fed to cattle. No whey - don't they know that's where cheeseburgers come from?  Campfires banned at Walt Disney World. Man, the waiting lines must be intense this time of year  United announces that it will no longer permit its crews to displace already-seated passengers, will have to find other reasons to beat them instead  So he says to her, "I knew you were farking the Dear Leader's father; you used to always look like you were feeling a little Il"  CDC report shows the number of Americans suffering severe mental disorders has increased. No word on the current number of Americans enjoying them  Facebook Live killer changes status to Facebook Dead  Harry Potter arrested for marijuana possession, netting negative ten points for Gryffindor. Man, that seems more like a HufflePuff thing  Aaron Hernandez kills again. In related news, Belichick plans to ask for a supplemental draft pick  Russia claims it can wipe out U.S. Navy with a single electronic bomb. Huh, apparently they've managed to weaponize Skrillex  Bill O'Reilly has left Fox News to spend more time with your wife  Don't condemn this couple for giving birth so the infant's organs can be harvested, have a little heart

Sports:  U.S. Olympic swimmer Dana Vollmer is still competing while six months pregnant. Opponents complain that she gets extra help on the final laps every time the baby kicks  Andre Johnson to sign a one-day contract with Houston so he can retire as a Texan. Mostly because Eli Manning told him he can take all his uniforms and sell them off as being game-worn  LeBron James passes Kobe Bryant for third place on the all-time NBA playoff scoring list. First time that "passes" and "Kobe Bryant" were ever used in the same sentence

Geek:  Study finds fish put their heads together so that they can solve problems as a group - the more experienced teaching the less experienced. Well, duh, they call it a "school"  Buckwheat consumption can increase agroecosystem diversity and boost food security, much to the chagrin of Alfalfa  Ancient stone carvings confirm how comet struck Earth in 10,950BC. Carving makes no mentions of Donner, Dasher or Blitzen, though

Entertainment:  Ice-T and Coco really like to mix it up in vigorous lovemaking sessions, Ice-T likes to call "jungle sex". Anybody else notice what a terrible drink Ice-T and Coco make? Someone should have pointed that out  Mean Girls star tries to make her boobs happen. She needs to stop trying to make her boobs happen  Joanie beats Chachi to death

Politics:  Just like the president who appointed him, Neil Gorsuch may spend a good portion of his first day on the job not actually working  Joni Ernst castrates another pig  U.S. intelligence officials acquire Russian think tank plans to interfere with 2016 election by pushing Trump via fake news and undermining the validity of the election. Good thing those plans never left the drawing board

Business:  Industrial metals are diving. Good thing I diversified my Nine Inch Nails portfolio into smooth jazz  IBM Revenue has fallen for 20 quarters in a row. At this point, the Underpants Gnomes have a better business plan  A bank that uses Parmesan cheese as collateral? No whey
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3 Comments     (+0 »)
2017-04-26 08:01:26 PM  
Dang, I was on fire last week.
2017-04-26 08:12:37 PM  
I can't believe the recycled "Joanie beats Chachi to death" beat my 7/10 submission.
2017-04-27 12:24:23 AM  
AVG, you gotdamn genius

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