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Darmok and Jalad at Nashville, shooting the toaster, and Huck, fin: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/31 - 2/6
Posted by Unfreakable at 2016-02-08 11:25:16 AM (2 comments) | Permalink

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1368 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Feb 2016 at 11:28 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Happy post-Super Bowl Hangover Day, everybody.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2016-01-31 to Sat 2016-02-06:  So my girlfriend asked why I carried a handgun in the kitchen. I told her "In case of government spies." She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good morning  "If a man also lie with a tractor, as he lieth with a woman, he has committed an abomination: he shall surely be put on the sex offender register; the axle grease shall be upon him" Massey-Ferguson 20:13  Gathering in Rome to discuss taking on Islamic State. This is not a repeat from 1096, 1145, 1189, 1202, 1213, 1228, 1248, 1270, *or* 1271  "For hot girls, press 1. For hot guys, press 2. To accept jury duty, press 3. To get out of jury duty by claiming you are too busy on the phone sex hotline they sent to you, press 4"  Guards in Iran torture prisoners for up to 15 hours straight. Don't they have labor laws?  Latin American Catholics have to decide which is worse: Using birth control, or getting a little head  Woman injured at Darmok and Jalad gig in Nashville  The Chargers are going to Detroit  Y'all Qaeda may need to pay $3.4 million for damage they did. Great Dildo Sale of '16 commences  CDC says to use a condom to avoid Zika but how are you supposed to get it on the mosquito?  I submitted this with a batter headline

Sports:  Citing health issues that have left him neither Optimus nor Prime, Megatron plans to retire  Golden State Warriors plan trip to the White House, are expected to hold the Obama administration to 61 overall points on their way to another blowout  Jared Allen thanks the Chicago Bears for getting him to Superbowl 50 by trading him to the Carolina Panthers. In other news, the Bears are hoping the 'conditional sixth round pick' they traded him for is DAMNED GOOD

Geek:  Saturn may be flashy and pretty, and Jupiter may be huge and dramatic, but they can't hold a candle to Uranus  Futurologist says that humans will merge with computers by 2050. Critics say he's late on that prediction since it's now impossible to pry an iPhone out of the hands of a 16-year-old  Germans fire up the largest stellarator fusion device in the world. What could possibly go wr

Entertainment:  'Real Housewives of New Jersey' star Teresa Giudice reveals details of her year spent behind bars in new book which describes vile bathrooms, food with maggots, lesbian sex, strip searches, lesbian sex, hair-pulling brawls, and lesbian sex  Smashing Pumpkins announce tour with Liz Phair, Beanie Babies, Pogs, Tickle-Me Elmo  Earth, Wind & Fire founder Maurice White has passed away at 74, because if you're an entertainment legend in 2016 that's the way of the world

Politics:  O'Malley pulls out, disappointing all of his voter  Huck, Fin  Santorum seeps out of presidential race

Business:  Amazon opening a national chain of brick-and-mortar bookstores next to Tesla Horse Dealerships  Tyson Foods profits rising faster than a speeding pullet  Hasbro and Mattel now considering a merger, immediately dismiss new company name Has-Mat
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2 Comments     (+0 »)
2016-02-08 12:03:05 PM  
Don't forget thirty-some-odd hamfisted dildo jokes...
2016-02-08 06:09:12 PM  
Lt. Commander Data: Their ability to abstract is highly unusual. They seem to communicate through narrative imagery, a reference to the individuals and places which appear in their news and media accounts.
Counselor Deanna Troi: It's as if I were to say to you... "Juliet on her balcony".
Doctor Beverly Crusher: An image of romance.
Counselor Deanna Troi: Exactly. Imagery is everything to the Farkers. It embodies their emotional states, their very thought processes. It's how they communicate, and it's how they think. Just look at all their mindless Photoshop threads.
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