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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-25 to Sat 2009-01-31
Posted by Drew at 2009-02-02 3:58:30 PM, edited 2009-02-02 5:32:26 PM (13 comments) | Permalink
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6990 clicks; posted to Main » on 02 Feb 2009 at 5:33 PM (9 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



It's Not Fark It's News: At any given time I'm having random email conversations with people about random current events. A number of folks wrote in last week asking about the Q4 GDP numbers that came out last week. Short version: They sucked total ass. Should we be worried? Are we all doomed? EVERYBODY PANIC?

Well no, not yet anyhow.

I don't think it's a surprise to anyone that Q4 GDP numbers were awful. We knew that already. Most financial data like this is old by the time it's released. It's a snapshot of how things were in the recent past. Looking at the forward numbers, things seem to be improving slightly, possibly even stabilizing. I keep hearing news people saying were in the worst slowdown since 1930. Horseshiat. The numbers don't bear that out. We haven't hit 1982 levels yet. We still might, but the point is, don't pay attention to pundits and talking heads who have no idea exactly how dire things were during the depression. Their job is to say outrageous things in interviews. Stratfor put things in perspective earlier this week: to match the 1930s, Q4 GDP numbers would have to be three times worse than they were reported last week - every quarter from now through Q1 2012. I'm not saying things are awesome at the moment, but it's too early to be screaming that we're all doomed.

Bonus It's not news: By the way, I love the way the Michael Phelps smoking pot story is being handled by the media as if no college age kid has ever smoked pot. Also note the phrasing in most of the articles on Phelps is careful to say that there are photos of him using a glass pipe. Because lord knows there could have been anything in there.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-25 to Sat 2009-01-31:

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  Hamas opens makeshift offices. Neighbors fear chance of collateral damage will sky rocket    
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  Evidence suggests US Airways jet hit a soft body. Out of habit, Gotti family denies any knowledge of the incident through their lawyer    
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  M, for the Margaritas that got you wasted / O, leaving me Outside in the cold / T, the Trucker that you had sex with / H, the Horrific mugshot the paper pasted / E, the Example that you set for when I get old, R, that was Retarded    
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  Mother gives birth to baby boy in Denver public library. No word on when it was due    
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  Octuplets doing well, breathing on their own, squirting ink    
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  Not News: Robin a store. News: thief that must be cuckoo ducks out with $1400 bird under coat. Police believe loon lacks egret for his crime. Lark: People pay $1400 for birds; boobies    
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  Pickup truck crashes into a church. Now the church needs an organ transplant    
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  "Cardinal Mystified by Child Sex Probe"; apparently the directions were missing from the package    
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  ♫ We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. ♪  

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  Cairo will host an international conference on March 2 on the reconstruction of the Gaza Strip, where an estimated $2 billion of damage was caused during the recent war. Israelis don't approve, but Arabs in Dubai and Abu Dhabi do    
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  Researchers claim excessive chatting on Facebook can lead to depression in teenage girls. Then again, what doesn't?    
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Sports:

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  15 Nigerian soccer players die in bus crash, leaving behind fortune of $400 million that can only be transferred out of the country with your help, please be upon you    
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  Boston Bruins' top scorer Kessel cleared to return vs. New Jersey Devils, expected to make his run in less than twelve parsecs    
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  Arizona teen sent home from school for wearing a Hines Ward jersey. Father expects a media frenzy with plenty of questions about his son's hamstring    
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Geek:

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  Device hooked into Twitter allows plants to call their owners when they need tending or spot a DEA helicopter    
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  Melting sea ice could result in extinction of Antarctic penguins. Another tragic case in which the Emperors have no floes    
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  Bug fix entry: Type-Defect / Priority-Medium / Issue 3: Ruined my Marriage    
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Showbiz:

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  Heath Ledger speechless after winning Best Supporting Actor honors at the Screen Actors Guild Awards    
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  All seven "Friday The 13th" actors who played Jason Vorhees throughout the years to get together for first time. They will stare intently at the audience for 20 minutes, no Q&A session expected    
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  Director of "X-Files" dies. I want to bereave    
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Politics:

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  McCain is unhappy with the contents of the stimulus bill, wants it re-written. Democrats respond "come up with another 97 electoral votes and we'll get right on that"    
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  Poll taken to choose best name for Presidental Dog. "Chris Matthews", "Keith Olbermann" not listed since they're already humping his leg    
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  Obama begins discussing global trade imbalances. Hu's on first    
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Business:

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  What major insurING and investING firm is cuttING 7,000 jobs, hopING to increase its savINGs? If you guessed Citigroup or AIG, better hope you're not one of those 7,000    
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  When asked how many car dealerships would close this year, the president of the National Auto Dealers Association replied, "well, let me talk to my manager, and I think you'll be pleased with the result"    
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  Bill Gates predicts downturn will last four years, 640K should be enough memory for everyone    
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13 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2009-02-02 05:36:50 PM  
What's this now?
 
2009-02-02 05:39:07 PM  
Melting sea ice could result in extinction of Antarctic penguins. Another tragic case in which the Emperors have no floes

Beautiful job, submitter.
 
2009-02-02 05:40:17 PM  
All seven "Friday The 13th" actors who played Jason Vorhees throughout the years to get together for first time. They will stare intently at the audience for 20 minutes, no Q&A session expected

Also made me laugh and deserves credit.
 
2009-02-02 05:44:10 PM  
♫ We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. We're all raising a Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine, Nazi submarine. ♪

Sdupit headline had me whistling that all day at work.

What's worse is that due to my interactions with the Minnesota Renaissance Faire, it came out as "We all bounce on a pickle trampoline".
 
2009-02-02 05:50:22 PM  
Who chose these headlines?
 
2009-02-02 05:52:30 PM  
"Cardinal Mystified by Child Sex Probe"; apparently the directions were missing from the package

/gold clap
//that's right: gold clap. It's that good.
 
2009-02-02 05:54:14 PM  
i liked the library one.
 
2009-02-02 05:55:50 PM  
Thanks Drew, I'm feeling somewhat better about the economy now.

I'd be feeling even better if you would employ me when I graduate from college in 6 months... :-s
 
2009-02-02 06:07:02 PM  
I don't get it.
 
2009-02-02 06:28:11 PM  
I submitted all of these with better headlines.
 
2009-02-02 07:13:56 PM  

Oh_Enough_Already: No mention at all???


That was a repeat of this greenlit link that unfortunately came in the day before yours. Your headline is better; I wish it had come in before the other one.
 
2009-02-02 09:05:46 PM  
Who is subby? Just kicked some Quetzales to my buds in Guatemala. If we meltdown, I'm hanging on a warm mar caribe beach and watch it on my iPod....
 
2009-02-02 09:56:32 PM  
Quizzical clone of extinct ibex
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