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Two drugged-up Illinois residents arrested in bat country, a correlation between steroids and ball shrinkage, and scientist hopes beetle will help him get laid: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/3 - 5/9
Posted by Unfreakable at 2015-05-11 11:35:18 AM (0 comments) | Permalink
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1135 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 May 2015 at 11:56 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Thanks for some great headlines this week, submitters!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2015-05-03 to Sat 2015-05-09:  Nine workers sent to hospital, with one in critical condition, after accident at Los Alamos Neutron Science Center. No word yet on charges  Customs officers find pound of cocaine in crotch of man's underwear, charge him with possession of speedballs  ♫ Six foot, seven foot, eight foot lines ♪ Daylight come and me wanna do blow ♫  How the in essay converts Spokane words in two surgeable test  Woman finds packet of cocaine inside granola bar, hopes to win exclusive tour of cartel  While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door."'Tis the DoJ," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door--Only this and nothing more"  Quake has caused millions of kids to miss school. Hell, subby knew two comp sci majors who failed out because of Diablo and one guy because of Duke Nukem  Japan names macaque "Charlotte." I just call it "Little Elvis"  Two Illinois residents driving around with marijuana, cocaine, half a sheet of LSD, marijuana candy, hash THC, and Adderall capsules arrested by police in bat country  ฬ๏๓คภ คςςยรє๔ ๏Ŧ ฬเtςђςгคŦt  Woman now selling miniature house made for people under five feet tall. It's made of bricks and is the last remaining of three homes. The other two were made of straw and sticks but were blown down by some mysterious strong winds

Sports:  A-Rod's 660th home run ball to be auctioned for $20,000, which is much less than the $105,000 that was paid his 500th home run. Apparently there IS a correlation between steroids and ball shrinkage  Brady'ssss agent ssssaysss the Wellssss report hasss ssssignificant flawssssss ssss  Pedro Martinez says that Manny Ramirez spiked Red Sox drinks with Viagra. Finally, an answer to why the pitching staff complained that their shoulders were stiff

Geek:  How do testicles know when to stop making more sperm? Hint: It's not when your arm gets tired  Scientists are using smartphones to target diseases in hard-to-reach areas. But honestly, they can't be that hard to reach if you can fit an iPhone in there  Biologist figures out a sure-fire way to get a beetle laid, hopes the beetle can do the same for him

Entertainment:  The 49 best British films of all time. Amazingly, Michael Caine appeared in only 44 of them  The anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts is a deeply emotional day for J.K. Rowling and her fans and anyone who has to live with someone who actually knows the anniversary date of the Battle of Hogwarts  The entire cast of Captain America: Civil War has been announced, featuring a whopping 16 superheroes. No word on Daniel Day Lewis's part

Politics:  Scott Walker attempts May The 4th Be With You tweet, gets burned harder than Skywalker's aunt  Secretary of State John Kerry makes Djibouti call  Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jade Helm from Texas. No, really. Al Nino unavailable for comment but is happy the attention is off him

Business:  Apple to give out 5 million iPads to seniors. To make them feel more comfortable with the technology, all iPads will constantly flash "12:00"  General Motors builds 500 millionth vehicle, immediately announces plans to recall it  Zynga to cut 18% of its employees, will be replaced with 300 part time migrant Farmville workers
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