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Three bears find an accident that's just right, living in fear of the Dipping Dots mafia, and why your mom beats you in video games: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/30 - 12/6
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-12-08 10:32:12 AM (2 comments) | Permalink
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1543 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Dec 2014 at 10:37 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Coming down to the end of the year, cheers to some really great headlines in this batch. Well done, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-11-30 to Sat 2014-12-06:  Never-Ending-Pasta-Pass used to feed Olive Garden food to the homeless. Way to kick people when they're down  Three bears struck and killed on highways in twenty-four hours. The first accident was too hard, the second accident too soft, but the third was just right  Researchers unearth new clues about an ancient Greek computer. Since it needed bright sunlight and had to be placed near a wall opening - it's now called the first computer to operate by windows  It's Cyber Monday again. A/S/L?  Soap opera actor beaten while delivering a meal to a friend. Suspects include long lost cousin who just came back from the dead, an ex-girlfriend that his stepfather impregnated, and an evil twin  Five people shot outside Déjà vu restaurant. Observers say they'll never be able to forget it  Man charged with simple domestic assault for attacking wife with McChicken sandwich, would have been charged with aggravated assault had he made her eat it  Concordia captain didn't sound the alarm because he feared a panic, which is understandable given how scary the Kilrathi are  Breast-shaped building could be torn down. No word on what will be the Boobies destruction plan  Man faces twenty years for stealing from Sunglass Hut. Thank God he didn't commit the fatal mistake of ripping off the Dipping Dots mafia  National Geographic documentary claims the nation's lack of sleep is causing health problems. Doctors immediately recommend watching additional National Geographic documentaries  

Sports:  He's out  Foxboro's hottest new club is called "Optum". Opened in 2015 by serial comedian John Wayne Brady and located in former season ticket holders' seats, this place has everything: high rollers, human jellyfish, Furkles and a midget Offensive Coordinator  Haloti Ngata...Ngata...well, Ngata gonna play another game this season, am I right?  

Geek:  Physicists create new kind of pasta to explain mysterious ring-shaped polymers, offering new insight into the legacy of the renowned physicist Dr. Boyardee  NASA has a problem getting it up, scrubs launch. Not an uncommon problem for an agency its age  Why your mom beats you in video games  

Entertainment:  Bill Cosby offers refunds for upcoming New York shows. However, you have to pick up the refund in his hotel room after you have a drink with him  Joan Rivers' doctors delayed CPR while they played rock-paper-scissors to determine who had mouth-to-mouth duty  East bound and down, finally up for auction, they're gonna sell Burt Reynolds' old Trans-Am  

Politics:  At memorial service, Ex-rep. James Traficant, who was only the second Representative expelled from Congress since the civil war, was remembered as a "man of the people." Bat-shiat insane people with crazed ferrets on their head, but people  Dan Quayle's mother passes awaye  Consider this a warning: If you attack Obama's teen-aged daughters in this timeline, he will have you arrested as a teenager in a previous timeline. Clearly, he has no respect for the Temporal Prime Directive  

Business:  Guess which retailer had revenue fall 4% and also predicts weaker 2015 sales? Come on, Guess  Supreme Court hears the case of a pregnant UPS driver forced to go on unpaid leave. First time that UPS was ever concerned about the consequences of an early delivery  Starbucks CEO confirms the company has finished "Phase Three," then began laughing maniacally before disappearing in a cloud of smoke
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2 Comments     (+0 »)
2014-12-08 10:39:28 AM  
For the TFers that might have somehow missed the thread in upcoming, this is a link to the first six mainpage preliminary contests:

For non-TFers, the mainpage quarterfinals threads will be coming soon. Possibly late this week, but definitely by next week. Lots of prelims to get through first.
2014-12-08 11:05:26 AM  
Want to know the truth about the shady guy that was sitting across from you at Thanksgiving dinner? You'll thank us later.
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