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Creating autistic monkeys, the son also rises, and a playdate with cancer: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/2 - 11/8
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-11-10 12:19:30 PM (0 comments) | Permalink
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1149 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Nov 2014 at 12:22 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Enjoy this weeks headlines, and don't forget to gird your loins--Headline of the Year cutoff ends at the end of this month, so this is your last chance to get a headline in for consideration.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-11-02 to Sat 2014-11-07:  Seven Dwarfs delve too greedily and too deep  Oooh, aaahh. *ow ow ow* Oh yeah, baby. *ow ow ow* Do you like it like that? *ow ow ow* Oh, goddamnitsomuch  Man struck and killed by falling tape measure. On the bright side, they know exactly how far it fell  Too many prayers on the field. Fifteen yard penalty  Nasal spray vaccine shown to prevent Ebola in monkeys. Great, now we'll have a bunch of autistic monkeys running around  Fake university founder sentenced to 16 years for fraud, probably would have gotten away with it if she had a football team  The son also rises as a suspect in the murders of a couple found on Heming Way  Linguist claims use of metaphors like "battle" or "fight" with cancer harmful for some patients. Article doesn't say whether he prefers "playdate" or "prom-night" with cancer  Cross-eyed collie having trouble finding a home, deciding which crotch to sniff  Sheriff says he's never had any problems at the AX MURDER HOUSE before  Grand opening of L L Bean store surprises onlookers when owl attacks hawk. Folks, you cannot imagine the planning behind this sort of viral marketing  

Sports:  Porn star offers oral sex to all of the LA Lakers if they reach 47 wins, not really realizing that the Lakers have already cornered the market on sucking professionally  The Raiders are so bad, they're in negotiations to join the SEC  NASCAR driver Kurt Busch accused of hitting his girlfriend. No word on whether Kevin Harvick instigated the fight by pushing him toward her  

Geek:  Triassic-era reptile fossil discovered in China, bridging the evolutionary gap sought by paleontologists. Creationists counterargue evolution with a map of Mississippi and two photos of John C. Reilly  Scientists create Parkinson's disease in a dish, which immediately rattles off the table before smashing on the floor  Lone stars between galaxies may be responsible for much of the background light in the universe. Behold the power of the Schwartz  

Entertainment:  Bob Geldoff planning new Band Aid single to help fight Ebola, may title it "Don't They Know It's Bleedin' Christrmas?"  "50 Shades of Grey" star says there will be no full frontal male nudity. It looks like you'll just have to watch the movie for the intelligent and gripping storyline  Mark Wahlberg to star in "Six Billion Dollar Man." They couldn't use the original title because these days six million only buys a backup infielder for the Mets  

Politics:  Scott Brown becomes first Senate candidate to lose twice to women, angrily blames 'ethics in political journalism' in his concession speech  GOP see "100-year majority," which will be followed by a thousand-year darkness falling upon the land, followed by the rise of mecha-Hitler followed by Democrats retaking control right as the Earth implodes from thermonuclear mole people  GOP tells Obama he can sit at the adult table if he quits scribbling on everything and playing on his phone  

Business:  Realizing that bare-breasted natives no longer get it done in the Internet age, National Geographic magazine to run animal sex column. SUBSCRIBED  "Shiat the fashion industry. It's an almighty sequinned turd defiling humankind's collective pavement." There's also a negative side  "The leadership and products will not change" which is Latin for "not really" says AB-InBev of its acquisition of Oregon's 10 Barrel Brewing Co
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