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Skills of the Edward Snowden action figure, US military considers developing a holy hand grenade, and Istanbul becoming a clusturducken: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/16 - 2/22
Posted by Unfreakable at 2014-02-24 5:20:33 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

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2495 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Feb 2014 at 5:52 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

New batch o' headlines this week. Enjoy

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2014-02-16 to Sat 2014-02-22:  Dunce bitten, Christ lies  A zombie's shrill scream disturbed the morning calm, alerting the horde. Survivors clad in green and white grabbed what supplies they could muster and made the sign of the cross as they knew they may not survive the coming onslaught  There is a national shortage of clowns, which proves Megan's Law worked  Oregon company sells Edward Snowden action figure. Instead of wetting itself, the doll just constantly leaks  Scientists still trying to determine if cat bites lead to human depression or if cats just prefer biting depressed people  Sharks are attacking fewer people, but killing more. Hooray for efficiency  Brain dead teen doing "much better physically", considering run for congress  Six charged with online dating fraud. Turns out it's a crime to say you love staying in and going out, are comfortable in jeans or a dress and people, if you liked walking on the beach as much as you say you do, the damn things would be paved by now  Terrorists planning to use rabbits as weapons. In response, the US Dept. of Miscellaneous Weapons seek funding for development of a holy hand grenade  The European Union has granted Bavarian pretzels "protected status", will soon be creating a special Bavarian pretzel preserve where they can romp and play all day without the threat of poachers  Cops charge man with swallowing a $150,000 diamond, say they'll keep an eye out for any suspicious movements  

Sports:  FINNISH HIM  Ozil apologizes to Arsenal fans after missing penalty shot vs. Bayern Munich, proving Ozil really is as clumsy as he is stupid  Derek Jeter reconciles with model girlfriend. Apparently he's batted around and is back to the top of the order  

Geek:  Scientists find an old douche in City Hall. Did not have to look too hard  The voices are unanimous: Air pollution may increase the risk of schizophrenia  Steve Jobs postage stamp due in 2015, will be the first stamp to have rounded corners  

Entertainment:  Nicki Minaj sorry for using Malcolm X, says he's not even her favorite Speed Racer  98% of faith driven consumers are dissatisfied with the new movie "Noah." 80% say it brought back a flood of bad memories  Kim Kardashian denies butt implant rumors, even though she has one of the biggest asses in the world. But enough about Kanye West  

Politics:  Istanbul becoming an absolute clusturducken  U.S. and Canadian Leaders departing for "Three Amigos" summit in Mexico. Topics to include Free Trade, Cartel violence and what it means to have a plethora of pinatas  Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell's lawyers demand federal indictment be thrown out. Judge to rule as soon as he's done laughing, maybe by Monday  

Business:  Horst Rechelbacher, founder of Aveda Corp and popcorn tycoon, dead at 72  Comcast gave $854K to Congressional Committee overseeing their merger with Time Warner. The money will be delivered two weeks from Tuesday between 1 and 4 pm  Sherlock Holmes theme park planned for England. There will be a discount for children who are still in school. At least the ones who list their school as elementary
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4 Comments     (+0 »)
2014-02-24 07:46:09 PM  
Ok wow - that clusturducken one is very, very good.
2014-02-24 08:03:56 PM  

HighZoolander: Ok wow - that clusturducken one is very, very good.

I think a lot of people missed it because it was over on the Politics tab. I think it would have played pretty well cross-posted to Main.
2014-02-24 08:42:50 PM  
My zombie headline made it into the weekly favs? You guys just made my Monday suck a whole lot less, woot!
2014-02-25 01:51:49 AM  
Cool. One of them is mine.  Thank you
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