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Golf course shooting leaves hole in one, thieves steal Robert Luongo's tires rather than waiting for the wheels to come off by themselves, and how to turn a fish vegetarian: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/11 - 8/17
Posted by Unfreakable at 2013-08-19 6:38:01 PM (4 comments) | Permalink

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1902 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Aug 2013 at 6:40 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Some good ones this week. My personal favorite was the Hole in One headline, but several favorites to choose from.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-08-11 to Sat 2013-08-17:  That must be some important potato  One man is going on-strike for "Middle Child Day," which is designed to get middle children all the "respect and attention they deserve." Naturally, he's being ignored  Bernard Madoff was in a love triangle with a former employee. Which is no surprise since without triangles you can't make a pyramid  Judge rules baby must change name from Messiah to Martin because it "could put him at odds with a lot of people" in an area with a large Christian population. Because nobody named Martin ever got in a big feud with Christianity  Do you find it suspicious that a millionaire's wife drowns after falling overboard in the middle of the night while yachting in the Hamptons? Natalie would  Shootout near golf course leaves hole in one  Over 40 multi-millionaires killed in Nigeria attack. Next-of-kin to receive notification by email  Nudist says nudists are "protective of all their members." Me too; it's why I wear clothes  Human rights group calls for a boycott of Hitler wine. Experts say you can tell it's a true bottle of Hitler when all the French wines in your cellar refuse to come out of hiding  Body found in fridge is that of missing boy; positive I.D. made after seeing his face on a milk carton  Police locate missing video store owner, who was most likely over at the Quick Stop the whole time  

Sports:  Atlanta Falcons fans didn't hear about the new NFL bag rule, resulting in "hundreds" of purses being held at the security station. Considering they just recently started figuring out what time the games actually start, baby steps  Thieves steal Roberto Luongo's tires. Should have just waited till April when the wheels come off all by themselves  Tejada they come, Tejada they fall  

Geek:  Scientists turn a carnivorous fish into a vegetarian, presumably by the tried-and-true method: give him a vegetarian girlfriend  Today may or may not be Erwin Schrodinger's birthday  Lab scientists get regenerated human heart tissue to beat on its own, try to bury it under the floorboards to make the damn thing stop  

Entertainment:  Oprah Winfrey on the Switzerland flap: "I'm in a store and the person doesn't obviously know that I carry the black card." They know now that you've played it  Snooki visits DNA testing facility to determine the identity of her birth species  Spunky Brewster  

Politics:  A new trend in DC has emerged as members of both political parties have been compromising on issues in hopes the get things done. Pundits are calling this trend "Democracy" and if it's not stopped they fear it could spread to the rest of the nation  Haters gonna hate: Mayor Bloomberg is having a custom-built $13,000 copper bathtub installed in his Upper East Side townhouse. Experts say it will hold at least 140 64oz Big Gulps  The Sheriff of the Florida county whose officers shot an unarmed black man in the legs two weeks ago complains that he is "hobbled by the law". Which, as we all can agree, is the worst way to be hobbled  

Business:  BlackBerry CEO states that the future of his company is so bright he's looking to sell it, or form a partnership, or a joint venture, or anything really if someone is willing to give him money  Hedge fund manager John Paulson buys a $512 million Steinway, gets the black keys thrown in for free  AOL chief apologizes for firing a worker during a meeting, says he should have done it on AOL where no one would have known about it
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4 Comments     (+0 »)
2013-08-19 08:35:16 PM  
I like the "important potato" headline...
2013-08-19 08:56:35 PM  
I liked "Shootout near golf course leaves hole in one."
2013-08-19 09:29:59 PM  
Best was the stealing of Robert Luongo's tires...when the wheels would just have come off in April.  You don't have to be Vancouverian to get that one.  Maybe Cory Schneider didn't find it funny...
2013-08-19 11:17:16 PM  
3.  "Black card."
2.  Hobbled.
1.  Luongo.  Chicken dinner.
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