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Boston bomber to spend eternity surrounded by Virginians, game of ding dong ditch emphasizes the dong, and Hooters wants moms to show off their twins for Mother's Day: some of Fark's favorite headlines of the week for 5/5 - 5/11
Posted by Unfreakable at 2013-05-14 12:29:09 PM (7 comments) | Permalink

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3037 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 May 2013 at 12:38 PM (6 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Every week, it's difficult to pick out some of the best headlines. This week, some personal favorites were the Gabrielle Giffords headline and the choking Cubs fan headline. Both made me laugh and then feel really bad.  I have a soft spot for wordplay, so"local hoes" and "emphasis on the dong" got a smile out of me. There was a certain elegance to "Thief steals $500 from a three-year-old after spotting a three-year-old with $500" and the context-heavy "White House elects new Pope". But a favorite this week? Too tough to choose. That'll be up to you later this year...

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-05-05 to Sat 2013-05-11:  Russian and Iranian media predicting full-scale Middle East war involving Israel erupting in hours. CNN reports already sixty-five millionty-billion dead in Iceland, a giant octopus attacking Rome, and Ted Turner has grown five extra penises  Gabrielle Giffords honored with JFK award... well of course, she did meet the one major requirement  Gardeners celebrate naked planting day with local hoes  Man plays game of ding dong ditch, emphasis on the dong  Thief steals $500 from a three-year-old after spotting a three-year-old with $500  The number of people applying to live on Mars is now up to 78,000. Strangely, every application came with a return address from Cleveland  Barber dies after getting into fist fight with coworker over pair of broken clippers. Cops suspect cause of death to be fail pattern brawlness  Because the Cleveland kidnapping case wasn't weird enough already, FBI finds suicide note Ariel Castro wrote in 2004. CNN still unable to verify if he went through with it or not  As God is my witness, Turkey will support no-fly zone  Boston Marathon bomber to spend eternity surrounded by Virginians  White House elects new pope  

Sports:  Sir Alex Ferguson to retire as manager of Manchester United. As a mark of respect, six minutes of extra time will be added to every Premier League game  Fan dies after choking at Wrigley Field, earns roster spot  Raikkonen plays down the exit of Jimi Allison from his formula one racing team, vows that it won't interefere with his plans to crush the Atreides racing team and seize contol of Arrakis  

Geek:  New hipster e-moped will do 27 mph. Fast enough to feel the wind in your beard hair, but not so fast it will overdry your 'stache wax  Scientists may or may not have been using quantum internet for the past two years. Meow  Tesla is the Apple of car companies. You can tell because people are already complaining that they can't replace the batteries themselves  

Entertainment:  Fan rushes the stage at Motley Crue concert, manages to knock over Mick Mars. In other news, Motley Crue fans are still mobile  Ray Harryhausen finally masters the art of stop-motion at age 92  The Avengers get ready to battle their most terrifying foes ever: The Brotherhood of Stingy Studio Execs  

Politics:  Michigan children to have the best roads on which to ride school buses with no gas to schools with no teachers  In a stunning discovery, Federal investigators looking into the activities of six New York Democratic state lawmakers may have found one who isn't on the take  Rodman rips Obama a new one--because if there's one thing Dennis knows, it's assholes  

Business:  In-car internet has automakers salivating: get ready for Your Odometer, Brought To You By Tostitos Hint of Lime And Geico Insurance  Wrigley takes new caffeinated gum off the market after threats of legislation on gum control  Hooters offers free meals to moms on Mother's Day. Women are encouraged to bring and show off their twins
· · ·

7 Comments     (+0 »)
2013-05-14 02:09:13 PM  
The Gabby Giffords one was awesome.  And wrong.  Like 9 parts awesome, 1 part all wrong.
2013-05-14 02:20:08 PM  
mostly false flags.
2013-05-14 02:23:06 PM  
i still don't get the rodman one. seriously.
2013-05-14 02:52:51 PM  
ouch, shafted again.

I swear, I'm funny...and I used to be HOTW funny. I need my mojo? Have anyone seen my headline mojo? I don't think I've seen it since I was with that farkette in the backseat of my Volkswagen

/don't own a Volkswagen
//don't have a farkette either
///still haven't found my mojo
////but hey, I'm now in the top 90 submitters of all time.
2013-05-14 08:36:50 PM  
My twenty-first greenlight, and second HOTW.  Woo!

//Virginians everywhere
2013-05-14 09:26:48 PM  

Miss Stein: My twenty-first greenlight, and second HOTW.  Woo!

//Virginians everywhere

That one had me laughing.
2013-05-15 12:31:56 AM  

The English Major: Miss Stein: My twenty-first greenlight, and second HOTW.  Woo!

//Virginians everywhere

That one had me laughing.

Thank you.  However, the true star of that thread was  Whole Wheat.  BOOBIES!
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