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A message from Drew Curtis:  
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Hey everyone hope your week's been well.

Thanks so much to everyone who subscribed to TotalFark last week - it helps so much, you have no idea.  I get a daily report on signups and it's so incredibly relieving to see daily signups compared to terrible daily Q1 ad revenues.  Keep it up folks, signing up between now and April has the most impact on Fark of anything the rest of the year.

Last week we completed voting on 2021 December Headline of the Month, and man am I glad we did it this way.  Normally I have to shave down the number of candidates myself, but since I didn't have to do that for December, we were able to do things like have 50 different candidates for Main.  Well done to everyone who submitted a candidate - I'm in awe of your talent. Go check out the Headline of the Month winners for December 2021.

At 4 p.m. Thursday it's the Fark News Live Stream with me, Christine, Dill and Lucky Yates!  So far this week's theme has been weird crime and strange science, come join to find out more about alcoholic AIs, dead ants and Froot Loops, and three-eyed cows among other things.

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End Drew transmission
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Top Comments

Some of the top-voted smartest and funniest comments from the past week

Funny:
jedzz wished Bob Saget had lasted at least a little bit longer
Somaticasual knew how to get something out of a box that your cats have claimed ownership of
Ker_Thwap wondered why there was no warning for the contents of a video of tsunami waters from Tonga reaching Oregon
Prank Call of Cthulhu explained that cops are not exaggerating about the dangers of fentanyl
cman wasn't taking any of puffy999's crap
Cake Hunter found an additional use for face masks
bingethinker knew what a woman wanted for her COVID-19 patient husband in addition to ivermectin and staying on a ventilator
skinink explained why a nurse came home and shoveled the driveway after working a long shift
fragMasterFlash wanted to test a theory about the amount of COVID-19 detected in Boston's wastewater
Hey Nurse! described a bad experience with fentanyl

Smart:
A Room Full of Angry Raccoons noted something sad and unexpected about one of Bob Saget's movies
Tanqueray explained why it seems like people at theme parks and other places are much worse behaved since COVID
IgG4 had a question for cops who believe they can suffer a fatal overdose if fentanyl looks at them from across the room
aimtastic told us about difficulty trying to get tested for COVID-19
Russ1642 doubted the story of a woman who shot her 4-year-old kid twice
jso2897 had good advice for people who just don't want to get vaccinated
EnzoTheCoder offered up frugal fashion advice
kbronsito saw that people suing hospitals for refusing to give ineffective medications to COVID patients might be onto something
Raoul Eaton shared what it's like to take a drug that scares cops silly

CSB Sunday Morning: Snow days
Smart & Funny: The Pope of Manwich Village shared the legend of The Stargazer

Politics Funny:
Ivo Shandor had an idea of how a Prius driver was able to get the jump on a road-raging BMW driver who was shooting at him
RodneyToady summed up the staffing problem faced by a medical group in Indiana
Naido thought that a certain behavior of the man who took hostages at a Texas synagogue sounded familiar
Maladjusted Malcontent defended a man who was killed when he shot at another driver during a road rage altercation
little big man hoped the man who died road raging suffered one last insult added to his injury

Politics Smart:
hubiestubert addressed an American Thinker writer's complaints about having to see non-white people in commercials
Aussie_As discussed public health attitudes in retrograde
Nah'mean named the most important item for Texans to keep in their winter storm kits
Demetrius had a heartbreaking reminder that it's not time to let your guard down
omg bbq talked about deciding whether or not to shoot at someone


Top Contest Entries

Some of the top-voted contest entries from last week

Photoshops:
RedZoneTuba showed this poor man what the future has in store for him
kabloink found out this girl will be first in line
kabloink was not enjoying that Disney magic
Stephen_Falken discovered the secret power-up in Space Invaders
Snubnose shared a special message from Charlton Heston
RedZoneTuba caught a distracted dog walker in the act
MathProf showed us what Jon Snow knows
Wrongo found a familiar face in Antarctica
RedZoneTuba brought a favorite dancer along
kabloink was honest about missing this
Yammering_Splat_Vector showed that Grumpy Cat has become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
kabloink finally put out this year's calendar

Captions:
From Caption this confrontation:
Grumpy Cat had an unwanted visitor
Grumpy Cat could write for a bird version of "The Flintstones"
From Caption what this pondering primate is thinking:
RedZoneTuba heard a legitimate concern
Heamer was looking for love
From Caption these Tower of London residents:
RedZoneTuba came in with a pun
D_PaulAngel revealed who's to blame for a terrible look

Fartist Friday: How a well-placed rubber ducky could have changed history
RedZoneTuba showed us a ducking disaster

This week's Fartist Friday theme, brought to you by E-brake: Our theme is Show & Tell Vol. 15. SHOW us your favorite artwork you've created and TELL us the story behind its inspiration, materials, backstory, etc. Share with us your photos, paintings, jewelry, poetry - any art medium! Difficulty: Art you haven't entered into our contests before. Be sure to tell us about your art!

Farktography: Majestic Monochrome-In Memoriam: CiliarySpasm
beerrun drained the color from Upper Antelope Canyon

Fark Headlines of the Week

A selection of some of the top headlines from last week

Man was removed after being stuck in chimney of a house he doesn't live in. Authorities say this is pretty common during the flue season

Getting shot by a Prius driver is like a hunter getting plugged by a deer

ICUs nearing capacity in at least 18 states as SCOTUS decides no one needs an umbrella when Freedumb Rains

Woman attacked by bear while walking her dog in DeBary. See, that's why I walk my dog in DeNoBary

Beans beans, the magical fruit - the more you eat the more you toot

Cam Newton wants to play next year AND be on a winning team. Does not realize they are mutually exclusive goals

Ronnie Spector now a spectre

"He treated everybody like family" is not something you want to read if you've just watched Bob Saget tell the Aristocrats joke

Dave i left my heart pills at your place lemme know when i can come get them k? Thxbai

Die Hard

Liz Cheney doesn't rule out issuing subpoena to Qevin McCarthy and inviting him to go hunting with her dad

ONAN getting smote by DirecTV for spilling lies

I think that means Mike Pence is pregnant

French bakers feeling the pain. Also fondling the baguettes, cuddling the brioche

Delta set up for a massive rebound as Omicron fades

Empty bottles of whiskey are fetching hundreds of dollars on eBay because counterfeiters buy them for scams. Drew and his staff are going to be rich

Archaeologists have unearthed a 4,000-year-old board game from the Bronze Age. Apparently it was Helios, with the dagger, in the roundhouse


Fark Weird News Quiz (brought to you by ox45tallboy)

Another fun time on the Quiz last week, somewhat tempered by my inability to come up with a theme and reliance on silly gifs. But that was no deterrent to two of our valiant quiztakers who made their way into the 1000 club with their appreciable knowledge of the subjects that were covered in the past week here on Fark. Drachirryz, with your score of 1014, and TheMothership with your score of 1008, come on down and be recognized and then immediately placed into isolation due to COVID-19 protocols. fuzzyracing1967, your score of  957 leaves you out of the 1000 club, but you do get to hang out with johnny_vegas and his score of 943 and our fifth place finisher, runwiz with a respectable 930.

The hardest question for most on the Hard Quiz last week was about America's latest middle finger to the EU in a recent court decision about cheese. Only 42% of quiztakers knew that a US District court had ruled against the cheesemakers from Gruyère and decided that Americans can call their cheese-like substances "Gruyere" simply on the basis of how they cure their milk solids. No word yet on "sparkling aged cheese curd".

The easiest question on last week's Hard Quiz was actually not about the first Black woman to appear on US coinage (only 68% knew it was Maya Angelou?) but somehow about which country most of the world's uranium comes from. 86% of quiztakers knew that uranium make benefit great nation of Kazakhstan. Pardon me while I process the fact that the guy who played Borat has now been nominated for three Oscars. And I agree that he deserved them.

The hardest question on last week's Easy Quiz was about which former pro wrestler was now working towards certification in professional clowning. Only 42% of quiztakers caught the story about Dewey getting certified in all kinds of things after his stint as WCW Heavyweight Champion. Yes, he is a certified Bob Ross instructor, but more importantly to the question, he's really into your nightmares and is working towards his clown certification from Healthy Humor. His Instagram feed (yeah, I don't follow it either) is full of him (and sometimes his kids) in a red nose. 

The easiest question on the Easy Quiz was about former teen idol Dwayne Hickman and how he achieved his teen idol status back in the 1960s. 90% of quiztakers knew that he had starred in "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis", and I'm still a bit unsure about this total since the series wasn't exactly a critical success.I'm guessing many Farkers saw their mom's autographed photo of him in the attic or that special place on the dresser or something. I'm not judging, but yeah, your mom thought about that guy on that really bad TV show back in the day.  Gen X mom's nod approvingly along with John Stamos.

If you missed out on the Quiz last week, you should really catch up on it. Congratulations to the winners, and we'll do it all again this week.