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Drew does an early review of Swine Flu Epidemic 2: Panic Boogaloo. Also, some of Fark's favorite headlines from last week
Posted by Drew at 2009-10-05 1:52:44 PM (62 comments) | Permalink
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5692 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Oct 2009 at 2:02 PM (9 years ago) | | share: more»
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Now that we're in October, expect a plethora of stories about swine flu, regular flu, some new flu strain that they're just discovering too late, flu shots, inhalers, autism, shot effectiveness, shot ineffectiveness and about a hundred other angles that the media will find. The MSM Panic Patrol has its antennae up right now waiting to unleash a barrage of stories on it, and by the end of the month and through November, expect them to be at full pants-shiatting Defcon 1.
You can expect lots of good information, which will naturally be buried under an avalanche of talking-head hypothesizing, complete with state-by-state Swine Flu Death Counts. On the upside, sooner or later someone will talk about The Stand by Stephen King. So there's that.
If you want to get on television during this period, make sure to wear a surgical mask in public. The public will be wearing them sooner or later, anyway, so you might as well get a bit of face-time. Or half-face-time, as the case may be. For some real fun this flu season, wait until the media is at the full bed-wetting mania stage, and then get a cup of tap water, sneak up behind a co-worker and flick some of the water off your fingers onto their neck while pretending to sneeze. Just kidding, don't do that because then they will kill. you. dead.
This week's Fark Betting Line has the swine flu in the top spot, with a few other likely (and some unlikely, but possible) stories sprinkled in for good measure. As always, feel free to add your own upcoming stories with the appropriate odds:
- Swine flu information stories begin flooding in, mostly talking about preparations, precautions, and a few hypothetical mass-closure situations (2:1)
- Stories include dread-inducing comment by anonymous CDC official (6:1)
- Stories mention body bags (12:1)
- Dumb criminal of the year award nominee story comes out of Florida (3:1)
- Wheel of Ridiculous Sports Injuries lands on...Boston (23:1)
- Alcohol + Darwin award (3:1)
- Conspiracy theorists tie to swine flu to:
- the Government (2:1)
- Sammy B'laden and the Alley Qaedas (3:1)
- Iran (6:1)
- Madagascar (29:1)
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-09-27 to Sat 2009-10-03:
121 children hospitalized with lead poisoning in China live near battery plant. Doctors report half positive, half negative, one discharged
Turks mourn loss of Ottoman, put their feet down and consider pulling the coffee table closer
Hawking says asteroids are biggest threat. Everybody scoot
The U.S. Navy is considering letting women serve on submarines. Presumably sandwiches
Having never been to Fark, the EPA had no idea aging caulk in schools was a problem
While people routinely get screwed during their divorce, rarely is the rogering so complete that the judge feels compelled to masturbate during the proceedings
UN declares the Tango part of the Cultural Heritage of Humanity. However, the Lambada is still FORBIDDEN
The recession is taking a bigger toll on singles, mainly because married couples are already used to despair, hopelessness, and throwing all their money down a snotty, crying drain
Masturbation epidemic explodes all over Syria
Fruit truck overturns in New Jersey. Traffic jams
Man arrested for masturbating in Bed, Bath and Beyond parking lot, charged with indecent exposure, taking store name too seriously
Washington bails out Detroit once again
Former Yankee Chuck Knoblauch charged with throwing punch at wife. If she'd have been closer to first base, she'd have never been hit
The mysterious white powder that the Washington Redskins have been staying away from.....turned out to be the goal line
Australian scientists discover 850 previously unknown species living in subterranean caves and micro-caverns, most of which are blind, pale and play World of Warcraft for up to 20 hours/day
Stephen Hawking steps down as Lucasian professor at Cambridge, sort of
Scientists create hydrogen and batteries from pee. Urine charge now
To honor her brother, Janet Jackson will wear black for a year. If she really wanted to honor him, she would slowly fade it to white
Wendy Williams gets a talk show. First guest will reportedly drive a school bus through a wall of TVs while she rides on top
Ramones biopic possibly on the way. The movie will be badly lit, badly edited, plot will barely hold together and dialogues will seem written by a 12-year-old, yet it will somehow hold together brilliantly
Sarah Palin's memoir "Going Rogue" out November 17th, hopefully followed by the sequel "Going Away"
Hillary Clinton thrilled to be president of the UN Security Council, says she may blow an intern just for the hell of it
Glenn Beck has identified the cause of all that is wrong with America: The fact that the US Mint has stopped putting "In God We Trust" on our money. Sure, it's a complete falsehood, but the crazy boat ain't gonna sail itself
Lucy in the sky has died, man
Fred Durst's wife leaves him after finally listening to a Limp Bizkit album
Lady Gaga pulls out of Kanye West, tour
Civil servants found to miss more work, do less work than any other employee whose status is not 'clinically dead'
State Farm ranks West Virginians as most likely to hit a deer, cousin
Canada's stalled economy 'a shocker', Two with a "Pink Slip", One on the Brink
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