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(Fark)   It's pretty much generally considered rude and cowardly to ghost someone. But am I the only person who would rather be ghosted than rejected explicitly?   ( fark.com) divider line
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518 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 07 Mar 2018 at 3:50 AM (19 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2018-03-06 10:31:25 PM  
Good Lord. Shut up, you vagina-less douchenozzle
 
2018-03-06 10:33:49 PM  
Well that escalated quickly.

/Not subby
 
2018-03-07 12:33:33 AM  
i.imgflip.comView Full Size


  What's ghosting?
 
2018-03-07 01:57:08 AM  

I dont want to be on this planet anymore: [i.imgflip.com image 275x183]

  What's ghosting?


You murder the bride and bury her under the old oak tree.

Wait, that's a revenant.

Uh... I think you need to kill a Jedi?
 
2018-03-07 02:11:20 AM  
I have a stalker.

There is nothing I can do or say that he won't interpret as a sign of my everlasting love.  He's so deluded that he thinks I'm sending him coded messages when I call out the hymn numbers in church (yes, he's a church stalker).  The only thing that seems to 'work' is to go completely silent on him -- no interaction, no responses to his emails, no answers to his letters, and (the one and thankfully only time he showed up at my doorstep) no response to his knocks.  Even then, he thinks it's just me playing hard to get.

We're in a lull at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before he tries to contact me again.

So yeah, submitter, if you find people are giving you the ghost treatment, take that as a hint that they are afraid to tell you 'no' or 'go away' more directly for fear you won't get it.
 
2018-03-07 02:44:59 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-03-07 04:09:29 AM  
Either is acceptable. I personally dislike being ghosted if the person has really impeded my life in their reckless attempt to get close to me, so I'll be kind of a dick afterward, like
 "Oh, but you didn't mind stalking when it was youpursuing me;now all of a sudden it's scary?"
it's not an attempt to get them to respond though, more just a
 "Omg just in case you're thinking of disturbing my tranquility with your bullshiat ever again, I swear I will farking kill us both. Just letting you know I still farking hate you, thanks for ruining my simple, drama-free life in the pursuit of your cheap sexual whimsy, asshole."

It only pisses me off if the person pursued me unfairly or falsely in the first place, created chaos, then just disappears. If they just don't like me, that's fine. It's the pretendingthey do which is insulting.
 
2018-03-07 04:13:47 AM  

Chariset: I have a stalker.

There is nothing I can do or say that he won't interpret as a sign of my everlasting love.  He's so deluded that he thinks I'm sending him coded messages when I call out the hymn numbers in church (yes, he's a church stalker).  The only thing that seems to 'work' is to go completely silent on him -- no interaction, no responses to his emails, no answers to his letters, and (the one and thankfully only time he showed up at my doorstep) no response to his knocks.  Even then, he thinks it's just me playing hard to get.

We're in a lull at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before he tries to contact me again.

So yeah, submitter, if you find people are giving you the ghost treatment, take that as a hint that they are afraid to tell you 'no' or 'go away' more directly for fear you won't get it.


 Time for your congregation to have an intervention.
 
2018-03-07 04:13:54 AM  

Chariset: I have a stalker.

There is nothing I can do or say that he won't interpret as a sign of my everlasting love.  He's so deluded that he thinks I'm sending him coded messages when I call out the hymn numbers in church (yes, he's a church stalker).  The only thing that seems to 'work' is to go completely silent on him -- no interaction, no responses to his emails, no answers to his letters, and (the one and thankfully only time he showed up at my doorstep) no response to his knocks.  Even then, he thinks it's just me playing hard to get.

We're in a lull at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before he tries to contact me again.

So yeah, submitter, if you find people are giving you the ghost treatment, take that as a hint that they are afraid to tell you 'no' or 'go away' more directly for fear you won't get it.


Wow. And you still go to church?
I think these are the ones who get stabby. The prolonged fixation is a common indicator. Crazy in a way that won't be swayed.  Yikes.
 
2018-03-07 04:55:08 AM  

doglover: I dont want to be on this planet anymore: [i.imgflip.com image 275x183]   What's ghosting? You murder the bride and bury her under the old oak tree.



Just some sauce on this comment


Tim Burton's Corpse Bride main song - Remains of the Day
Youtube j4p9WKnDQzQ
 
2018-03-07 04:55:40 AM  
Count me as a person who would prefer to be ghosted than to be given a detailed list of my failings. As long as the last meeting before the ghosting ended with something vague, like I'll call you, and not with a firm appointment to meet. I don't want to worry that the person in question has been in a car accident or something.
 
2018-03-07 05:22:52 AM  
I don't understand what ghosting is and in surprised that my phone does.  I'm glad no one cares enough about me to ghost me.  It sounds like a pain in the ass.
 
2018-03-07 06:08:35 AM  

Chariset: I have a stalker.

There is nothing I can do or say that he won't interpret as a sign of my everlasting love.  He's so deluded that he thinks I'm sending him coded messages when I call out the hymn numbers in church (yes, he's a church stalker).  The only thing that seems to 'work' is to go completely silent on him -- no interaction, no responses to his emails, no answers to his letters, and (the one and thankfully only time he showed up at my doorstep) no response to his knocks.  Even then, he thinks it's just me playing hard to get.

We're in a lull at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before he tries to contact me again.

So yeah, submitter, if you find people are giving you the ghost treatment, take that as a hint that they are afraid to tell you 'no' or 'go away' more directly for fear you won't get it.


I think you might have unintentionally advised submitter to be a creep.

/submitter
 
2018-03-07 06:13:32 AM  

Nidiot: Count me as a person who would prefer to be ghosted than to be given a detailed list of my failings. As long as the last meeting before the ghosting ended with something vague, like I'll call you, and not with a firm appointment to meet. I don't want to worry that the person in question has been in a car accident or something.


Forget about a detailed list of my failings.  I'd rather be ghosted than getting the ol' "You're a great guy just not great for me" text.
 
2018-03-07 06:23:56 AM  
You are.

Having to drop from the face of the earth in order to stop a relationship means you are kind of a shiat. I rather be told "This isnt working out, I dont want us to be a thing anymore" than to have someone just disappear one day, not answer messages or phonecalls and have to wonder wtf went wrong.
The only times where its appropriate to ghost someone is when the other person is stalking you or wont take no for an answer.


CSB: I had someone ghost me,  a friend who had begged me for financial help to get back home after becoming broke in another country, once he was taking more than a year to even attempt to pay me back and I asked him to please start doing it he just ghosted me. A relationship of over fifteen years and the farker ghosts me for a few hundred bucks.

orangehat: I don't understand what ghosting is and in surprised that my phone does.  I'm glad no one cares enough about me to ghost me.  It sounds like a pain in the ass.


Ghosting is when you stop answering calls from someone , stop answering them in any form of social media and act as if that person doesnt exist.

You can upgrade to gaslight if the other person confronts you and you pretend you dont know them or that you never met.

Some people prefer to do that than to sever ties with friends or lovers, it leads to people not sure what happened and not sure if they were dumped or not.
 
2018-03-07 06:27:29 AM  

aerojockey: Nidiot: Count me as a person who would prefer to be ghosted than to be given a detailed list of my failings. As long as the last meeting before the ghosting ended with something vague, like I'll call you, and not with a firm appointment to meet. I don't want to worry that the person in question has been in a car accident or something.

Forget about a detailed list of my failings.  I'd rather be ghosted than getting the ol' "You're a great guy just not great for me" text.


Good point, ghosting is essentially better than any of the alternative rejections. I'm at a loss as to why people complain about it in the first place.
 
2018-03-07 06:40:21 AM  

Nidiot: Good point, ghosting is essentially better than any of the alternative rejections.



Ghosting, aka the Irish Goodbye, is what most people prefer to do.

However, it's not actually a rejection. It's just a rude avoidance. A very unprofessional act.

Sure, 99% of the time no one care in a few weeks. But you're still a bad person for doing it.

The other 1%, you're in a place where duels of honor are legal. Shoulda modulated your antisocial behavior before entering civilization. My advice is try to get shot in the ass.
 
2018-03-07 06:41:09 AM  
IcedTorch: ...it leads to people not sure what happened and not sure if they were dumped or not.

Surely no one could be that stupid as to not realise that being ghosted means they were dumped. Also I don't get the obsession with "what happened". You weren't what they wanted, the end. You can't change who you are for someone, nor should you. Don't waste time on them, they aren't wasting any on you.
 
2018-03-07 06:42:38 AM  
On one hand, I have no medical or scientific reason to think getting shot in the ass is less dangerous than any other wound. On the other hand, how often are people in duels these days? You'd owe it to the main page to take a slug to the plug.
 
2018-03-07 06:44:58 AM  

Nidiot: Surely no one could be that stupid as to not realise that being ghosted means they were dumped.


We just had an article yesterday where someone's wife was suddenly hospitalized, the husband thought she ran away. Things ended poorly for all involved.
 
2018-03-07 06:47:15 AM  

doglover: Nidiot: Good point, ghosting is essentially better than any of the alternative rejections.


Ghosting, aka the Irish Goodbye, is what most people prefer to do.

However, it's not actually a rejection. It's just a rude avoidance. A very unprofessional act.

Sure, 99% of the time no one care in a few weeks. But you're still a bad person for doing it.

The other 1%, you're in a place where duels of honor are legal. Shoulda modulated your antisocial behavior before entering civilization. My advice is try to get shot in the ass.


I disagree that it's not a rejection, it most certainly is. Only the deliberately obtuse would not see that.

And I'd still personally prefer to be ghosted than the alternative.
 
2018-03-07 06:48:01 AM  
Hope is cruel.

Tell someone you aren't going to see them again, and the majority of normal, functional humans will hurt a while then move on.

Ghosting doesn't extinguish hope. The person you ghosted is probably running through all your prior talking points to interpret the absence. Are you dealing with a crisis right now and I'll hear from you later? Are there loose ends you need to wrap up and then you'll have room in your life for me? Etc.

Unless you fear for your safety, a clear "I'm out" is the kindest thing.
 
2018-03-07 06:50:06 AM  

Nidiot: I disagree that it's not a rejection


You're free to be wrong.
 
2018-03-07 06:51:22 AM  

doglover: Nidiot: Surely no one could be that stupid as to not realise that being ghosted means they were dumped.

We just had an article yesterday where someone's wife was suddenly hospitalized, the husband thought she ran away. Things ended poorly for all involved.


I take it you didn't rtfa. That was about a bird: Dora is a red-tailed hawk who's been living with her mate, Christo, in Tompkins Square Park for the last five years.
http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2018/03/0​4​/hawk-love-triangle/
 
2018-03-07 06:52:55 AM  

doglover: Nidiot: I disagree that it's not a rejection

You're free to be wrong.


Fair enough, you can take it as anything you want, I'll take it as a rejection.
 
2018-03-07 06:53:56 AM  

Nidiot: I take it you didn't rtfa. That was about a bird


We can learn a lot from the Animal Kingdom.

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-03-07 06:59:07 AM  

Nidiot: aerojockey: Nidiot: Count me as a person who would prefer to be ghosted than to be given a detailed list of my failings. As long as the last meeting before the ghosting ended with something vague, like I'll call you, and not with a firm appointment to meet. I don't want to worry that the person in question has been in a car accident or something.

Forget about a detailed list of my failings.  I'd rather be ghosted than getting the ol' "You're a great guy just not great for me" text.

Good point, ghosting is essentially better than any of the alternative rejections. I'm at a loss as to why people complain about it in the first place.


When it happened to me, it was a woman with whom I'd gone on a couple dates. On our second (last) date, we had discussed a third for the next week, with plans to figure out details after.

Naturally, I followed up suggesting when/where along with the normal platitudes. No response. Not a big deal, people get busy.

A couple days later, another attempt. Again, no response.  It's still not a big deal, but by that point I'm passing on other options to keep myself free.

The day before my suggested meet up time, one last message just to confirm she's OK. No response.

I don't need a formal rejection or a list of my failings, I don't need any excuses, just a word that I should do my own thing and not worry about her.
 
2018-03-07 07:01:40 AM  

I dont want to be on this planet anymore: [i.imgflip.com image 275x183]

  What's ghosting?


img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-03-07 07:17:51 AM  

Chariset: I have a stalker.

There is nothing I can do or say that he won't interpret as a sign of my everlasting love.  He's so deluded that he thinks I'm sending him coded messages when I call out the hymn numbers in church (yes, he's a church stalker).  The only thing that seems to 'work' is to go completely silent on him -- no interaction, no responses to his emails, no answers to his letters, and (the one and thankfully only time he showed up at my doorstep) no response to his knocks.  Even then, he thinks it's just me playing hard to get.

In my younger years, I wasn't so different. Eventually she burned my letters, leaving just enough intact that there could be no mistaking them for anything else, and left the remains in my mailbox. That shut me up damn quick.

/I totally had it coming
//Got my head on straight after that
 
2018-03-07 07:48:58 AM  
That sounds like slowly pulling off the band-aid.
 
2018-03-07 07:56:20 AM  
Hey, wow, so that's what it is. I'm being ghosted.

I had a female boss (I am male) that was all over me for about two years but I didn't respond in kind. It made me rather uncomfortable to have so much attention from a supervisor that was not professional. If she weren't my boss I'd have enjoyed growing the relationship but she was so I did my job and went home.

 So after about two years of this she suddenly became hypercritical of my work et al. My coworkers come in whenever they want, I come in at a set time, our choice. So one day I'm about ten minutes later than usual and I get the riot act while my coworkers that come in 9 am one day and 11 am the next get a smile and a wave. There were numerous other instances, that's just one that's easy to write out. So she's no longer spending hours a day with me and now sniping at me once or twice a day. Then one day she no longer spoke to me at all. Not in the elevator (she turns her back to me), not in the hallway and not in meetings. It is weird to be pointedly ignored like that.

 She is no longer my boss and even though my office is on her floor, maybe 50' away, she still pretends I don't exist.  So now it all makes sense. My friends were apparently right when they said she was 'interested' in me and since I didn't recipricate she ghosted me.

This is definitely a revelation and has made my day. I've been ghosted by a spurned wannabe lover. That's hands down the stupidest most unprofessional thing I've ever seen a woman do.

So in answer to subbys question, no I do not want to be ghosted. I want to be told I'm a clod or whatever and just make a clean break of it.
 
2018-03-07 07:58:51 AM  
Probably only takes two or three partners turning angry and violent before someone's breakup calculus is permanently adjusted.
 
2018-03-07 08:11:36 AM  
I don't think it is fair to ghost someone. If you aren't interested, just tell them. You don't have to be specific. Just say you don't feel the spark or whatever nondescript term you want to use. Don't give them reasons unless if they change that reason you might be interested.

Why put them through the period of wondering whether you will answer them? Don't give them hope. It will just make the crash that much worse.
 
2018-03-07 08:31:42 AM  
Been ghosted a few times (had to look up what it means).  Didn't care.  Only in short-term dating, never in a long-term relationship, so I guess that's a plus.  I just considered myself lucky -- if someone will ghost you, then a long-term relationship likely would have turned into a hot mess.

One woman who ghosted me reappeared about a year later, asking if I wanted to get together again.  I told her no, obviously, and I told her why.  Not surprisingly, she didn't contact me again.
 
2018-03-07 08:43:52 AM  

Wave Of Anal Fury: Been ghosted a few times (had to look up what it means).  Didn't care.  Only in short-term dating, never in a long-term relationship, so I guess that's a plus.  I just considered myself lucky -- if someone will ghost you, then a long-term relationship likely would have turned into a hot mess.

One woman who ghosted me reappeared about a year later, asking if I wanted to get together again.  I told her no, obviously, and I told her why.  Not surprisingly, she didn't contact me again.


Not yet, at least....give it another year or two, maybe she'll pop back up.

For some reason, this did remind me that I was sort-of ghosted in a longer relationship. Had been dating a couple months, things were going ok (or so I thought), but it wasn't going to last. Then one weekend she stopped talking to me. A couple days later I went on Facebook and saw that she changed her status from "single" to "in a relationship" with some other guy.  Not sure it counts as ghosting, since I kind of figured out what happened, but it was still a little rude that she didn't say anything directly to me.
 
2018-03-07 10:09:48 AM  

eKonk: Not yet, at least....give it another year or two, maybe she'll pop back up.


It's been well over 10 years since I last heard from her, so it's doubtful.  And I'm married with two kids now.
 
2018-03-07 10:17:20 AM  
The worst form of break-up up is the stretch-it-out-like-molten-glass-to-a-​point-finer-than-frog-hair break up. (And you know who you are.) 9 months, friends. And I lived to tell the tale.

That said, there is no good form, but in hindsight (ho ho!)  am I happy that some of them failed. There is no form of insanity quite as goofy as love.
 
2018-03-07 11:20:39 AM  
Ghosting is different from Shunning how?
 
2018-03-07 11:23:04 AM  
Don't know to say that I care one way or the other; if someone says "get lost" I can take the hint, or if they're still alive and don't care to respond to me for whatever, then still, I can take the hint.
When I quit boozing I eventually had to ghost a few people simply because they couldn't take the hint that I'm not going out boozing anymore - dunno if that qualifies, since I *did* actually speak up to say that I'd quit drinking and just eventually stopped answering call/text summons to a bar.
 
2018-03-07 11:28:33 AM  
Between wives I dated a young woman for a while.  Things seemed to be going well, but apparently I was mistaken, because she decided after one of our dates that she wasn't interested in me any more and decided to ghost me.  I left her a couple of messages but was frankly still in the dark about what was happening...as I say things seemed to be going well.  She decided then that she needed to make sure I didn't contact her again.

So she had her mom call me to deliver the breakup message on her behalf.  Keep in mind this woman was in her mid-20's.

So that's worse than being ghosted...being ghosted and mom'd.

/Now that marriage #2 is coming to an end, I think it's time to walk away from all this for a while and admit I know about as much about relationships as my cats know about data analysis.
 
2018-03-07 12:48:15 PM  

aerojockey: Nidiot: Count me as a person who would prefer to be ghosted than to be given a detailed list of my failings. As long as the last meeting before the ghosting ended with something vague, like I'll call you, and not with a firm appointment to meet. I don't want to worry that the person in question has been in a car accident or something.

Forget about a detailed list of my failings.  I'd rather be ghosted than getting the ol' "You're a great guy just not great for me" text.


Yeah.

I wouldn't mind a form letter: "I'm not interested, and I'm pretty sure nothing will make me BE interested "

Also who doesn't mind a phone call for some NSA sex after having been banished to the land of wind and ghosts?
 
2018-03-07 12:56:40 PM  

Feral Cat With Scissors: Hope is cruel.

Tell someone you aren't going to see them again, and the majority of normal, functional humans will hurt a while then move on.

Ghosting doesn't extinguish hope. The person you ghosted is probably running through all your prior talking points to interpret the absence. Are you dealing with a crisis right now and I'll hear from you later? Are there loose ends you need to wrap up and then you'll have room in your life for me? Etc.

Unless you fear for your safety, a clear "I'm out" is the kindest thing.


This is the solid answer.

Much as it hurts to deal with a person it has to be done instead of disappearing like a thief in the night, ashamed of yourself and leaving the window open that perhaps you'll return.

It's cruel to make someone wonder if it's something they did or didn't do. Especially if everything seemed to be going well from the other person's POV. Christ, show some empathy people. No one likes being fired either but would you like it if your ID badge just stopped working one day and the security guard wouldn't even come out to talk to you?
 
2018-03-07 12:58:47 PM  

incendi: Probably only takes two or three partners turning angry and violent before someone's breakup calculus is permanently adjusted.


Send a certified letter.
 
2018-03-07 01:07:02 PM  
At least tell me. I won't miss you.
 
2018-03-07 01:44:13 PM  

Chariset: I have a stalker.

There is nothing I can do or say that he won't interpret as a sign of my everlasting love.  He's so deluded that he thinks I'm sending him coded messages when I call out the hymn numbers in church (yes, he's a church stalker).  The only thing that seems to 'work' is to go completely silent on him -- no interaction, no responses to his emails, no answers to his letters, and (the one and thankfully only time he showed up at my doorstep) no response to his knocks.  Even then, he thinks it's just me playing hard to get.

We're in a lull at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before he tries to contact me again.

So yeah, submitter, if you find people are giving you the ghost treatment, take that as a hint that they are afraid to tell you 'no' or 'go away' more directly for fear you won't get it.


Ghosting generally refers to more or less normal dating interactions, not actual stalkers. It's mostly about the ghoster's fear of confrontation than a fear that the ghostee won't "get" it.
 
2018-03-07 01:46:39 PM  

Nidiot: Count me as a person who would prefer to be ghosted than to be given a detailed list of my failings. As long as the last meeting before the ghosting ended with something vague, like I'll call you, and not with a firm appointment to meet. I don't want to worry that the person in question has been in a car accident or something.


It doesn't have to be one or the other. Assuming that both people are decent, a simple "I don't think this is a good fit. All the best!" is considerate.
 
2018-03-07 01:59:28 PM  
If someone ghosts you, they are flaky. Flaky people bring chaos and drama. You're better off without them and the emotional tug of war that is 'we can work it out/no we can't' crap.
 
2018-03-07 02:10:00 PM  

rustyfark: Either is acceptable. I personally dislike being ghosted if the person has really impeded my life in their reckless attempt to get close to me, so I'll be kind of a dick afterward, like
 "Oh, but you didn't mind stalking when it was youpursuing me;now all of a sudden it's scary?"
it's not an attempt to get them to respond though, more just a
 "Omg just in case you're thinking of disturbing my tranquility with your bullshiat ever again, I swear I will farking kill us both. Just letting you know I still farking hate you, thanks for ruining my simple, drama-free life in the pursuit of your cheap sexual whimsy, asshole."

It only pisses me off if the person pursued me unfairly or falsely in the first place, created chaos, then just disappears. If they just don't like me, that's fine. It's the pretendingthey do which is insulting.


How you doin'?

/wait ...
 
2018-03-07 02:23:22 PM  

Unikitty: If someone ghosts you, they are flaky. Flaky people bring chaos and drama. You're better off without them and the emotional tug of war that is 'we can work it out/no we can't' crap.


You're right, of course, but that's not really the problem. The issue is when you're stuck in limbo wondering if they're ghosting you (and thus aren't worth your time) or just busy/out of contact, but still interested.
 
2018-03-07 02:31:41 PM  

eKonk: Unikitty: If someone ghosts you, they are flaky. Flaky people bring chaos and drama. You're better off without them and the emotional tug of war that is 'we can work it out/no we can't' crap.

You're right, of course, but that's not really the problem. The issue is when you're stuck in limbo wondering if they're ghosting you (and thus aren't worth your time) or just busy/out of contact, but still interested.


I would like to propose two weeks as the cutoff. If someone is unresponsive for two weeks, time to let go.

If that person is in a car accident/coma/other plot device, then it is appropriate for the other person to re-establish contact with you after regaining consciousness/whatever; these situations can be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

If someone went to the Himalayas and could not communicate for two weeks, let that person go anyway. If you didn't know the person was going mountain climbing for two weeks, you weren't communicating in any meaningful way. Buh bye.
 
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