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(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: I am maid of honor for my sister; but I got pregnant and I'm due around her destination wedding date. I can't go; my sister is like a petulant child, saying I'm trying to steal her thunder and abandoning her for the baby. What do?"   ( slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Family, high school, life, Q., baby shower, move-out date, relationship, Mallory Ortberg  
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893 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 06 Mar 2018 at 8:20 AM (19 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



71 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2018-03-06 07:56:06 AM  
Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...
 
2018-03-06 07:59:35 AM  

LarrySouth: Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...


//extra bonus.  When the baby comes out.  Have somebody take it to the groom and say "you are the father!"
 
2018-03-06 08:03:37 AM  
I guess it's a little late for butt stuff.
 
2018-03-06 08:08:38 AM  
The answer can be summarized as such: Grow The fark Up
 
2018-03-06 08:08:57 AM  
Go into labor during the vows and turn into a screaming banshee. Look the groom directly in the eyes at all times.
 
2018-03-06 08:12:15 AM  
Call her a petulant child and don't send a gift. Name the child the name she has had picked out. Ghost her.
 
2018-03-06 08:14:55 AM  

foo monkey: I guess it's a little late for butt stuff.


Never too late
 
2018-03-06 08:20:00 AM  

RJReves: foo monkey: I guess it's a little late for butt stuff.

Never too late


There's always room for butt stuff.

media.giphy.comView Full Size
 
2018-03-06 08:20:19 AM  

LarrySouth: Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...


If it's a destination wedding, isn't it generally recommended that you don't fly in the 3rd trimester?

Also, tell the sister to shut the fark up.

/bonus - she'll never talk to you again, which in this case seems like a good thing
 
2018-03-06 08:22:49 AM  
Find a new sister.
 
2018-03-06 08:25:04 AM  

Gubbo: LarrySouth: Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...

If it's a destination wedding, isn't it generally recommended that you don't fly in the 3rd trimester?

Also, tell the sister to shut the fark up.

/bonus - she'll never talk to you again, which in this case seems like a good thing


The letter writer already said she wouldn't be attending the wedding itself.

I agree sis is a petulant biatch, but letter writer might have a streak of that herself - I really don't understand why the nursery painting can't be moved to accommodate the bachelor party date her sister wants.
 
2018-03-06 08:32:52 AM  
It's "Matron of Honor" (pet peeve).

So each of you is have life changing events at the same time? I'm sure your mother is torn. You really need to learn to swallow to get along in this world, you know.
 
2018-03-06 08:35:04 AM  
/csb

Wife had our first same night as her sister's out of town wedding. She was supposed to be MoH.

/didn't go to the wedding.
 
2018-03-06 08:36:49 AM  
Grandma's Email? Leave it. Less likely for some scam artist to pick up she's a widow. Same with her voice mail. Have a male relative record the greeting.

/How we handled my Mother in Law.
 
2018-03-06 08:37:01 AM  

Nogale:  I really don't understand why the nursery painting can't be moved to accommodate the bachelor party date her sister wants.


Exactly, why isn't this being addressed?  Does the paint only dry the correct color if it's used on that day?
 
2018-03-06 08:45:07 AM  

LarrySouth: Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...


Maybe they could play "Catch the placenta" at the reception?
 
2018-03-06 08:45:13 AM  
Not CSB Time™:

The young lady who was going to do my stepdaughter's hair and makeup for her wedding announced that she was pregnant about eight months before my stepdaughter's wedding... with a due date about a month before my stepdaughter's wedding. Far from being happy for her hairdresser, my stepdaughter kept harping at the hairdresser about "what about my hair?!!?!! who is going to do my hair???!??!???"

The hairdresser ended up dropping both the gig and her friendship with my stepdaughter for the second time (tl,dr: these two were friends in high school before my stepdaughter screwed things up).
 
2018-03-06 08:46:59 AM  
Prudence Lightning Round today:
1) Tell her you are naming the child after her, then have a camera ready for her shocked face when she comes back from the honeymoon to meet "Little Biatch".

2) Go into settings and change who it's from, we all know you are their tech suppot anyway.

3) You have too much drama in your life.  Spend some time volunteering in the child burn ward and learn what real tragedy, loss and drama is.  Then buy him a cucumber and in front of all your friends tell him that you will be a friend with him agiain if he farks himself with the cucumber, right there, in front of everyone.

4) Maybe the name "Biatch Pudding"

5) We adopted a dog that has the same first name as my wifes cousins daughter.  We just don't care enough, and the dog isn't that smart to begin with.

6) Wow, a real life Ezra-Aria situation.  I think you need to get over the wink-wink nudge-nudge bit or pull the cord on the relationship, cause that is never going to stop.

7) Does she own a Subaru?  Good, is it an Outback?  Good.  Looks like we just solved the housing crisis of 2018 for her.

8) This is harsh.  Time to get her some new puppies.  Go to a rural area and get a litter of scottish terrier puppies.  Nothing cheers someone up as much as a handful of scottish terriers scuttling up to them.

9) Da fuq did I just read?
 
2018-03-06 08:47:42 AM  

Another Government Employee: It's "Matron of Honor" (pet peeve).

So each of you is have life changing events at the same time? I'm sure your mother is torn. You really need to learn to swallow to get along in this world, you know.


If she had swallowed she wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
 
2018-03-06 08:50:21 AM  
It's very easy to change the "From" name in email, yet keep the same email address.

It's very difficult to change a dog's name once that dog has learned it.
 
2018-03-06 09:17:58 AM  
These are some real duds.
 
2018-03-06 09:22:18 AM  
You know who I feel bad for in this story? Their men.
 
2018-03-06 09:27:29 AM  
One response writer is absolutely right:

Q. Re: Pregnant: While the sister certainly seems like she is being a jerk, what kind of person makes painting a nursery an unchangeable date? There is a lot of questionable behavior on both sides here.

Exactly.  Prudie's response leaves something to be desired:

A: A person with a busy schedule who's trying to juggle maid of honor duties with her pregnancy and presumably a job.
 
2018-03-06 09:44:06 AM  
It might be that painting the nursery has to be done on a particular day because of other scheduled home maintenance or something- maybe there's a plumbing issue that needs to be fixed first, so it can't be done sooner, stuff like that.
 
2018-03-06 09:47:38 AM  
Abortion?
 
2018-03-06 09:49:34 AM  
Your sister's a biatch. There, that's settled.
 
2018-03-06 09:54:17 AM  

LarrySouth: Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...


Done in one.
 
2018-03-06 10:02:10 AM  
Here's what you do.  Rig a balloon between your legs while you're waddling down the aisle and pop it during the ceremony and scream "OH MY GOD, MY WATER BROKE" and waddle out of the room in a panic.
 
2018-03-06 10:16:45 AM  
Tell your sister she is insane and stop talking to her.
 
2018-03-06 10:46:09 AM  
Get an abortion.  Jeez, that's like the third time this month I had to suggest that.
 
2018-03-06 10:47:12 AM  

envirovore: Abortion?


that was my first thought, a wedding is a once in a lifetime event, you can have a kid anytime
 
2018-03-06 10:58:29 AM  
The answer to all these problems, as with most relationship issues, is simple: Get over it.
 
2018-03-06 11:00:08 AM  
1. Your sister is either joking or a biatch. Probably both.
You either can't take a joke or you're a biatch. Probably both.
The only resolution is to deal with it, Prudie ain't going to be help here.

2. Get over yourself. Grandma wants to use the email she's always used since she learned how to do the email. If she doesn't mind it having Grandpa's name attached, then you shouldn't mind.

3. You know what you need to do here? Tell people (not including 'Sally') that you're having an affair with him. Start stalking him a bit. Be a bit creepy (not dangerous creepy, just standard level). Explain that you and 'John' have agreed that you can't let Sally know, so you're pretending to have a feud. When Sally cottons on to it, you've either had your revenge or you're in prime position for a three-way. It's a no-loss situation for you.

4. No, Prudie. We've established both sisters are probably biatches. Now you're taking one's side? That's only going to enable her and make the situation worse.

5. In the future, when you call your dog and your brother's girlfriend's daughter looks up, laugh, and say, "No, honey, not you.  'Katie' (or whatever) is a dog's name, not a person's name..."  Make sure 'Cora' hears this. Every. Time.

6. Oh, get the fark over yourself. It's a lame joke, sure, but it's going to happen. Try to enjoy it, hell, even embrace it. Or, I guess, you could just continue to be a whiny biatch that everyone hates. Your choice, really.

7. Prudie's actually right with this one. Kick her ass out! You've already waited way too long, things are only going to be more difficult when she can claim to be a single mother. If she's established legal residency there, go through the legal channels. Otherwise, rent a U-Haul in her name, pack all her crap in there when she's not around, parking it down the street, and change the locks. When she comes back, hand her the U-Haul keys and say good-bye.

8. You feel bad because you think someone needs your help, but they aren't asking for help and you don't know what to offer. You think this is a problem?  As with others, get over yourself. Your friend likes talking to you, just be there to talk.

9. Garbage filler. I let the first one go today, even though you farked it up, Prudie. The second time is something up with which I will not put!
 
2018-03-06 11:03:17 AM  

Subtonic: Get an abortion.  Jeez, that's like the third time this month I had to suggest that.


Hooker with a Penis: envirovore: Abortion?

that was my first thought, a wedding is a once in a lifetime event, you can have a kid anytime


Smart and Funny's for those on the same train of thought.
/also because i'm a tool fan
 
2018-03-06 11:11:44 AM  

BizarreMan: LarrySouth: Go to the wedding. Give birth at the wedding. Yell and curse loudly. Make the day all about you.

/ bonus - the wedding photographer can take pics, videos...

//extra bonus.  When the baby comes out.  Have somebody take it to the groom and say "you are the father!"


Throw it over the bridal bouquet
 
2018-03-06 11:21:12 AM  
Having been tangently involved in the wedding biz my observation is the more $$$ the wedding the higher the odds of divorce.  Stay home and have the baby
 
2018-03-06 11:27:18 AM  
Which came first, the knocking up or the announcement of the wedding date?  The other person's at fault and should be ostracized for thunder-stealing.
 
2018-03-06 11:30:37 AM  

espiaboricua: Not CSB Time™:

The young lady who was going to do my stepdaughter's hair and makeup for her wedding announced that she was pregnant about eight months before my stepdaughter's wedding... with a due date about a month before my stepdaughter's wedding. Far from being happy for her hairdresser, my stepdaughter kept harping at the hairdresser about "what about my hair?!!?!! who is going to do my hair???!??!???"

The hairdresser ended up dropping both the gig and her friendship with my stepdaughter for the second time (tl,dr: these two were friends in high school before my stepdaughter screwed things up).



Two weeks before my wedding, our DJ's son was killed racing on a city street(stupid teen stuff). We called around, and found a SUPER understanding DJ who said he could cover it, and we called up the DJ after the funeral and gave him the out, which he gratefully took.

I'm still surprised we didn't end up with an ipod hooked to speakers.
 
2018-03-06 11:38:33 AM  
Pregnant: You didn't pick the due date. Nobody does. I don't know the exact circumstances of the birth, but even if you were trying your hardest to have a kid, these things happen according to such strict timetables that you would hve had only slightly more control over the due date than if the pregnancy was completely unplanned. It is grossly unfair of your sister to hold that against you.

The nursery-painting date, I'm not as sure of. Is there a reason it has to be that day in particular?

Grandparents' shared email: Offer to help changing the e-mail, but if she declines, let it lie. Aside from the comfort and continuity issues, you know what a PITA it is to change e-mail addresses. The shock of seeing your grandfather's name on an incoming e-mail is valid, but it lessens with time.

Forgive and Forget ... Not! People do change sometimes, and the realization of just what a piece of shiat one has been can indeed be traumatic (hard as it is to sympathize). But none of that erases what was done to you. Even if it did, that would still be contingent upon all of this being genuine, which cannot be guaranteed.

Forgiveness is indeed good for a suffering soul, and if this were still eating you up inside, I might advise you to hear this "John" out. But you seem to be doing okay, at least as concerns John; you aren't being eaten up. That's what smells wrong about this to me; "Sally" talks about doing this "for your own sake", but there's nothing wrong for it to heal.

That, more than anything else, is what tells me that this isn't about you. It's about him. I don't know what if anything John regrets, but it doesn't sound to me like he's learned a damn thing. I'm with Prudie, and with your own instincts; don't let him back into your life.

Rename dog: I don't think there's any need to tell the brother. If she's really that much trouble, then she has probably already told him, and you'll hear back soon enough.

And don't rename the dog.

Teacher: I'm going for a mix of Prudie's advice and your own instincts: her wording, prefixed by "What the hell is wrong with you?!" Don't be so concerned with politeness toward someone who is already being far ruder.

Though I'd also stop bringing up the fact that she was a student teacher at your school while you were there. This doesn't mean you have to hide where you went to school, or where she did her student teaching. Just stop connecting the dots for people, and they usually won't connect them either.

Ex-lover: Your remaining friend is right: this "Rose" is a lying cheater, and you are in fact being taken for a ride.

However, I cannot recommend kicking her out immediately. My feelings on this issue are complex, because I've had to help pick up the pieces for friends who did nothing wrong, but were nevertheless kicked out of their homes during difficult times in their lives, and I have a whole fantasy collection of heads on sticks from those experiences. This is not the situation you are in, but this Rose clearly has your friends wrapped around her finger tightly enough that they will see it this way. You need to have Rose out of your life, but she is going to take a large part of your shared social circle with her.

And yet, you still must. This is eating you up inside, and rightly so. Yes, it will hurt, but you don't really have a choice. Be as accommodating as you can -I recommend giving at least a month of notice, and maybe even some help finding a new place- but be firm. It's the best you can do. And as long as it's clear that no one could have tried harder than you to be accommodating, you may be able to salvage some friendships. But even if you can't, this has to happen, and that's not just, and it's not fair, but there is no way around it. You can't keep doing this.

Support: "I don't know what to say" is the socially awkward person's best friend, and at times like this, we're all socially awkward. Prudie is spot-on here. Ask how you can help.
 
2018-03-06 11:43:32 AM  
Buy the wedding venue and the hotel everyone is staying at, and burn them both to the ground for the insurance money two weeks before the wedding.
 
2018-03-06 11:46:21 AM  
RE: Pet names.

It usually isn't that difficult to get a dog to learn a new name.  My last two dogs were adults but from shelters where they had no idea what their original name was.  Having said that, a friend of the family already had a son named Nick when they adopted a 6 year old dog, also named Nick.  Somehow the child and the dog managed to work things out despite neither the human nor the dog changing names.

/at the same time, my mother had a pet bird also named Nick.
 
2018-03-06 11:58:35 AM  

tdyak: 7) Does she own a Subaru? Good, is it an Outback? Good. Looks like we just solved the housing crisis of 2018 for her.


You missed a step from the letter: The only reason her cheating ass wasn't already kicked to the curb is because her Subaru got repossessed (assumedly with her softball gear in the back).  It's pretty harsh to send her to live out to where she used to park...
 
2018-03-06 12:08:27 PM  

eKonk: tdyak: 7) Does she own a Subaru? Good, is it an Outback? Good. Looks like we just solved the housing crisis of 2018 for her.

You missed a step from the letter: The only reason her cheating ass wasn't already kicked to the curb is because her Subaru got repossessed (assumedly with her softball gear in the back).  It's pretty harsh to send her to live out to where she used to park...


I say that's a bonus. If you drive her to her repo-ed car and help her steal it back, she can't return home or they will retake it/arrest her.
 
2018-03-06 12:12:41 PM  

Publikwerks: eKonk: tdyak: 7) Does she own a Subaru? Good, is it an Outback? Good. Looks like we just solved the housing crisis of 2018 for her.

You missed a step from the letter: The only reason her cheating ass wasn't already kicked to the curb is because her Subaru got repossessed (assumedly with her softball gear in the back).  It's pretty harsh to send her to live out to where she used to park...

I say that's a bonus. If you drive her to her repo-ed car and help her steal it back, she can't return home or they will retake it/arrest her.


I vote this is time to drive her out to the country, and AI her
 
2018-03-06 12:34:01 PM  

Myk-House of El: RE: Pet names.

It usually isn't that difficult to get a dog to learn a new name.  My last two dogs were adults but from shelters where they had no idea what their original name was.  Having said that, a friend of the family already had a son named Nick when they adopted a 6 year old dog, also named Nick.  Somehow the child and the dog managed to work things out despite neither the human nor the dog changing names.

/at the same time, my mother had a pet bird also named Nick.


CSB I once had a stray cat I fed and kept around but I never named him because I knew that once upon a time some little girl must have named him, and that anything I could give would be his slave name. So Mr Kitty he was.

Anyway it's crazy to make someone change their pet's name. Do they do the same for other children with the same or is that not confusing to their dullard?
 
2018-03-06 01:19:24 PM  

Fano: Myk-House of El: RE: Pet names.

It usually isn't that difficult to get a dog to learn a new name.  My last two dogs were adults but from shelters where they had no idea what their original name was.  Having said that, a friend of the family already had a son named Nick when they adopted a 6 year old dog, also named Nick.  Somehow the child and the dog managed to work things out despite neither the human nor the dog changing names.

/at the same time, my mother had a pet bird also named Nick.

CSB I once had a stray cat I fed and kept around but I never named him because I knew that once upon a time some little girl must have named him, and that anything I could give would be his slave name. So Mr Kitty he was.

Anyway it's crazy to make someone change their pet's name. Do they do the same for other children with the same or is that not confusing to their dullard?


Definitely agree that they should not re-name the dog even if it isn't hard to accomplish.  I had a similar question about whether the woman does the same crap to the parents of the other Katies (or whatever) at pre-school/day care/school. I went to high school with 2 other boys with the same first AND last name as I have outside Fark.

I suspect the rename the dog thing is a manifestation of a controlling person.  She may not even be fully aware of the implications of the request, or she might be and is seeing how far she can push this person's family.  Definite red flag for the brother dating her.  Probably the kind of person who would accuse a sibling or sibling-in-law of stealing a name because someone named their baby Robert when she was thinking of naming her next daughter Roberta even though she hadn't mentioned it to anyone.
 
2018-03-06 01:30:12 PM  

clodcomplex: Buy the wedding venue and the hotel everyone is staying at, and burn them both to the ground for the insurance money two weeks before the wedding.


The Kittypie Method.
 
2018-03-06 02:11:18 PM  

Myk-House of El: RE: Pet names.

It usually isn't that difficult to get a dog to learn a new name.  My last two dogs were adults but from shelters where they had no idea what their original name was.  Having said that, a friend of the family already had a son named Nick when they adopted a 6 year old dog, also named Nick.  Somehow the child and the dog managed to work things out despite neither the human nor the dog changing names.

/at the same time, my mother had a pet bird also named Nick.


Did she think of the name while shaving?
 
2018-03-06 05:36:54 PM  

Another Government Employee: It's "Matron of Honor" (pet peeve).


Of all the things in the world to have a pet peeve about this has got to be the most trivial ever.
 
2018-03-06 07:17:52 PM  
Talk to her? As much as I want to be there for my baby sister's wedding, she is having a "destination wedding" (which I didn't know was a thing) on an island and while I offered her my dress if she wanted to use it or change it up, if it involves a plane, I am not about to go (can't deal with security and being locked in a place I can't get out of with lord knows who), especially to a miserable island with sun and heat and beaches.  But since she knows me, she said "of course I don't expect you to go"   I still feel bad,but don't expect her to tailor her wedding to me.
 
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