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(Inc)   United Airlines CEO to employees: Say goodbye to your quarterly bonuses. Instead, you'll get to play our new game of bonus lottery   ( inc.com) divider line
    More: Facepalm, Frequent-flyer program, United, bonus, quarterly operational bonus, CEO Scott Kirby, Loyalty program, previous performance bonus, firmly rooted tongue  
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2735 clicks; posted to Business » on 04 Mar 2018 at 5:27 PM (32 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2018-03-04 03:14:23 PM  
Will they award executive stock options the same way? (thanks Bloomberg)
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-03-04 03:18:14 PM  
Shirley Jackson type of lottery.
 
2018-03-04 03:55:34 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2018-03-04 04:27:44 PM  
What an absolute load of codswallop.
 
2018-03-04 05:11:44 PM  
I've long said you can tell how a CEO treats the employees by how the employees treat the customers. Nothing surprises me here.
 
2018-03-04 05:34:23 PM  
United just bumped me from a flight.  They don't deserve any bonus.
 
2018-03-04 05:35:45 PM  
Christmas Vacation - Jelly of the Month Club
Youtube 1K8-kNuDgoA


Sounds familiar
 
2018-03-04 05:52:05 PM  
So no hot cocoa sampler box?
 
2018-03-04 06:00:18 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: So no hot cocoa sampler box?


Just the polished skull.

And the turd.
 
2018-03-04 06:16:38 PM  
In other news, there was still a company offering its workers bonuses.
 
2018-03-04 06:19:22 PM  

Bith Set Me Up: [img.fark.net image 500x370]


With the tariffs on steel coming soon, we won't be able to afford the blade. Rich people have thought of everything.
 
2018-03-04 06:29:09 PM  

Bovine Diarrhea Virus: Bith Set Me Up: [img.fark.net image 500x370]

With the tariffs on steel coming soon, we won't be able to afford the blade. Rich people have thought of everything.


So we'll make the blades out of sharpened wood. And need to drop it 20-30 times before it finally does the job. And they'll be set into the stocks face up so they can see it coming. And first drop will be from half-height to crush the larynx so they can't scream.

I, uh... may have thought about this too much...
 
2018-03-04 06:50:00 PM  

Vacation Bible School: So we'll make the blades out of sharpened wood.


How 'bout sharpened fish?

世界で一番硬い食べ物「かつお節」でナイフを作ってみた
Youtube Put2ZUgYph0
 
2018-03-04 06:51:18 PM  
I give it about 5 years before they move to the Thunderdome method of awarding bonuses.
 
2018-03-04 06:53:54 PM  

Vacation Bible School: Bovine Diarrhea Virus: Bith Set Me Up: [img.fark.net image 500x370]

With the tariffs on steel coming soon, we won't be able to afford the blade. Rich people have thought of everything.

So we'll make the blades out of sharpened wood. And need to drop it 20-30 times before it finally does the job. And they'll be set into the stocks face up so they can see it coming. And first drop will be from half-height to crush the larynx so they can't scream.

I, uh... may have thought about this too much...


We had a guillotine in our French classroom in high school.  It had a quarter-inch plywood blade (not sharpened); we used to put sticks of chalk in it and break them in half.  I think the lunette was one piece, and the hole was too small to put a head through, but I'm amazed no one ever stuck an arm through and got it broken.

Why, yes, I am older than dirt.  There was a time when public schools apparently didn't give much thought to the liability that might attach to something like that.
 
2018-03-04 06:57:23 PM  
So their employees now know what their passengers knew all along, nothing is guranteed.
 
2018-03-04 07:03:31 PM  
But on the plus side, you still get your complimentary ass kicking, provided to you by your coworkers.
 
2018-03-04 07:09:36 PM  
You get tree fiddy.  And you get tree fiddy.  And you...   you get tree fiddy.
 
2018-03-04 07:19:52 PM  
How about a nice game of Russian roulette by yourself Scott?
 
2018-03-04 07:31:57 PM  
I am gonna sell the SHORT outta United stock tomorrow morning!
Thanks Scott Kirby. You are good for something, I guess.
 
2018-03-04 07:39:55 PM  
How about instead of quarterly bonuses, once a year, a member of upper management is sacrificed to the workers who get to stone him or her.  Now that's a real lottery.
 
2018-03-04 07:55:53 PM  

Pants full of macaroni!!: In other news, there was still a company offering its workers bonuses.


Lots of companies still offer bonuses. I got my best bonuses in a decade in January (nothing to do with Trump or tax cuts). Of course, I have totally been bought off by the owners  of the means of production.
 
2018-03-04 08:09:05 PM  
Next up:  Money is dropped from the ceiling and all employees must scramble for their share.
 
2018-03-04 08:19:53 PM  

CharlieBrown: I am gonna sell the SHORT outta United stock tomorrow morning!
Thanks Scott Kirby. You are good for something, I guess.


Stock price never goes down when costs are reduced, so good luck on that one.
 
2018-03-04 08:26:18 PM  
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
 
2018-03-04 08:26:39 PM  

Duke of Madness Motors: I give it about 5 years before they move to the Thunderdome method of awarding bonuses.


Well at least end--of-year reviews would be exciting.
 
2018-03-04 09:13:05 PM  
Trump rain is coming down
Trump rain
Trump rain is trickling down
Trickling down all over me

/ You get to drink
// FROM THE FIREHOSE!
 
2018-03-04 09:18:20 PM  

runwiz: Next up:  Money is dropped from the ceiling and all employees must scramble for their share.


You sound like the kind of fellow who'd appreciate this story:

"The job sounded interesting enough-reate the world's largest Videowall for the World's Largest Corporation.

...

Chuck Cyberski and I stood at the rear while Kraft performed a spider dance. He was everywhere, talking, dancing around the lords, explaining how this wonderful show would tum around the grim Wall St. analysts who'd been hanging crepe over WLC'S image and dragging their stock price down. If this show could raise the price of stock by one point - ONE POINT - WLC'S value would increase over a billion dollars. All they had to do was change the minds of the most jaded New York stock and industry analysts.

One lord commented that they would be crying wolf. Hadn't they banged their chests before? Every quarter some high executive held a press conference and announced great things. Why would they believe them this time?

Because this time there wouldn't be some high executive promising great things. This time there would be real people from WLC, 'workers, engineers, designer-the tiny people. . . .' Kraft danced around the group, invisibly touching the cheek of each division chief. 'A sample from each division: Design, Engineering, Manufacturing, Sales, Support. It's like Star Wars. We loved the rebels and hated the Empire because we could identify with the warm human rebels, not cold plastic robots.,The rebels could've been squid-suckers for all we knew about their philosophy.'

The lords fell silent and contemplated the extravaganza laid out before them. Twenty million dollars worth of hoopla designed to sucker a few Wall St. flacks. Its centerpiece, the Videowall. The Lord of Manufacturing spoke up. 'But-aren't WE the Empire?'

'No! That's where we fool 'em. We show 'em regular people revealing their hopes and fears, sincerely singing the subtle praises of WLC. We've hired a genius-Bob _______. And Bob has sent us a master of emotional engineering, a consummate docu-propagandist, a man with the knack for extracting unrehearsed truths from the mouths of ordinary folk-Bob's handpicked genius. . . .'

And I heard my name.


Spoiler-free excerpt from A Working Religion.

Spoiler alert: I think you'll like the ending.
 
2018-03-04 09:27:01 PM  

The Googles Do Nothing: United just bumped me from a flight.  They don't deserve any bonus.


I've missed flights because of United.  The most impressive is when I missed a American flight because of United.
 
2018-03-04 09:32:10 PM  
Complain and we'll have armed men drag you from your desk and break your face.
 
2018-03-04 09:35:03 PM  
almost like ceo's have no clue how to relate and communicate to the real workers.  i suppose that is why ceo's generally have people that do this sort of thing.  but perhaps the latest quarter stock improvement plan axed that particular middle management position.
 
2018-03-04 09:41:44 PM  

jaggspb: almost like ceo's have no clue how to relate and communicate to the real workers.  i suppose that is why ceo's generally have people that do this sort of thing.  but perhaps the latest quarter stock improvement plan axed that particular middle management position.


They don't live in the same world any more. That's the thing.

We're about 2 conflicts and Musk introducing cheap space travel from "Elysium."
 
2018-03-04 09:59:25 PM  
I think Sun Tzu recommed giving rewards and punishments a little randomly and arbitrarily, so you wouldn't tell them it's a lottery.
 
2018-03-04 10:00:59 PM  

runwiz: Next up:  Money is dropped from the ceiling and all employees must scramble for their share.


When I was a kid my middle school had a typical fund-raiser where students sold meats, cheese, nuts, etc. It was like door-to-door sales and I'm sure the company peddling the goods made a killing while the school got some crumbs. The prizes for the kids were typical schlock and then there was an "ice cream party" where the sales rep scooped out cheap vanilla ice cream to the kids. The highlight of the event for the top selling kids was a money booth where there was lots of $1s, a few $5s, a couple of $10s, and one $20 bill in a portable/collapsible phone booth. The guy would turn on a fan that blew all the money to circulate around the booth and the kid in the booth had a certain amount of time (determined by sales volume) to grab as much money as possible and individually feed the dollars out a slot in the side of the booth. Anything put out the slot was for the kid to keep. I wasn't a stellar salesperson so all I did was watch, but it was amazing to see a few kids think they were going to make some major scratch by getting in there and trying to snatch that $20 bill out of the air. In reality, it was maybe $4-6 that the average kid was able to grab and feed through the slot. Even at the age of about 10 I was able to figure out kids were being played with slick marketing.

I want to see that money booth as a form of earning bonuses at shiatty companies.
 
2018-03-04 10:22:43 PM  
Flying United next month, just to use some miles that were expiring.  I plan on it being that last time I fly United.

If I go to HK I'll fly Cathay, and if I go to Europe I'll fly BA, Virgin, Lufthansa, Swiss, KLM...there are plenty to choose from.

United sucks. That they practically have a monopoly on my local international airport bums me out. But that's politics for you.
 
2018-03-04 10:28:34 PM  

Dallymo: What an absolute load of codswallop.


Someone should write a fake etymology of "codswallop" explaining that it comes from "cod" for the fish, + "swallop" meaning milt/roe.
 
2018-03-04 10:39:01 PM  
I'm sure executive bonuses are still the same or bigger.
 
2018-03-04 10:55:49 PM  

The Googles Do Nothing: United just bumped me from a flight.  They don't deserve any bonus.


Did they at least do it before they let you on the plane? Because that'd be a step up.
 
2018-03-04 11:06:10 PM  

CharlieBrown: I am gonna sell the SHORT outta United stock tomorrow morning!
Thanks Scott Kirby. You are good for something, I guess.


Yeah, except by tomorrow morning all of the future prices are already in. By the time you know about something, so does everyone else and it's been acted on
 
2018-03-04 11:51:54 PM  
I had a chance to fly United recently, and flew Southwest instead. It cost me a little more (though not MUCH more, since my bags didn't require fees), but I didn't regret it a bit. Southwest treats its employees a heck of a lot better and is a far more pleasant airline overall.

I could not, in good conscience, give more money to this awful company. I feel terribly for their employees, but not enough to fly on their crummy airline.
 
2018-03-05 12:12:26 AM  
mrmopar5287:When I was a kid my middle school had a typical fund-raiser where students sold meats, cheese, nuts, etc. It was like door-to-door sales and I'm sure the company peddling the goods made a killing while the school got some crumbs... Even at the age of about 10 I was able to figure out kids were being played with slick marketing.

Sounds like you were smarter than your school board.

My nieces' school recently did one of these. We looked up the company and their contracts, and the school receives between 10-25% of the take, while the company pockets the rest.
 
2018-03-05 12:16:02 AM  

mrmopar5287: runwiz: Next up:  Money is dropped from the ceiling and all employees must scramble for their share.

When I was a kid my middle school had a typical fund-raiser where students sold meats, cheese, nuts, etc. It was like door-to-door sales and I'm sure the company peddling the goods made a killing while the school got some crumbs. The prizes for the kids were typical schlock and then there was an "ice cream party" where the sales rep scooped out cheap vanilla ice cream to the kids. The highlight of the event for the top selling kids was a money booth where there was lots of $1s, a few $5s, a couple of $10s, and one $20 bill in a portable/collapsible phone booth. The guy would turn on a fan that blew all the money to circulate around the booth and the kid in the booth had a certain amount of time (determined by sales volume) to grab as much money as possible and individually feed the dollars out a slot in the side of the booth. Anything put out the slot was for the kid to keep. I wasn't a stellar salesperson so all I did was watch, but it was amazing to see a few kids think they were going to make some major scratch by getting in there and trying to snatch that $20 bill out of the air. In reality, it was maybe $4-6 that the average kid was able to grab and feed through the slot. Even at the age of about 10 I was able to figure out kids were being played with slick marketing.

I want to see that money booth as a form of earning bonuses at shiatty companies.


Works just fine when people can't or won't value their time.
 
2018-03-05 02:25:43 AM  
Enjoy your bone us...
 
2018-03-05 06:27:54 AM  
My tin foil hat logic says Doug Parker sent Kirby to United to screw them up from the inside
 
2018-03-05 07:12:11 AM  

Theaetetus: mrmopar5287:When I was a kid my middle school had a typical fund-raiser where students sold meats, cheese, nuts, etc. It was like door-to-door sales and I'm sure the company peddling the goods made a killing while the school got some crumbs... Even at the age of about 10 I was able to figure out kids were being played with slick marketing.

Sounds like you were smarter than your school board.

My nieces' school recently did one of these. We looked up the company and their contracts, and the school receives between 10-25% of the take, while the company pockets the rest.


25% is pretty good.  It's not like the company has no costs.

But I really do hate the constant fundraising.  1-2 per year I could live with, not every month or so.  I'd rather just send the school $50 and not have to deal with any of it.
 
2018-03-05 07:31:55 AM  

BMFPitt: I'd rather just send the school $50 and not have to deal with any of it.


been awhile but when my son was in middle school, when the first fund raise came about, I told my son he wouldn't be participating.  He was upset because he wanted a prize.  So I let him do it.  He had picked out a "boom box" as his prize. He spent two weeks running around selling magazines.  When the time came to get his prize.  The boom box was a 4" FM radio.  Not what he was hoping for and finally understood why I didn't want him involved.

After that, I told the teacher my son wouldn't participate in any further fund raising.  I'll cut the school a check and save everyone the hassle.

/ The boom box did help during a hurricane.  for 3-4 days, it was the only entertainment we had.
 
2018-03-05 08:59:29 AM  

BMFPitt: Theaetetus: mrmopar5287:When I was a kid my middle school had a typical fund-raiser where students sold meats, cheese, nuts, etc. It was like door-to-door sales and I'm sure the company peddling the goods made a killing while the school got some crumbs... Even at the age of about 10 I was able to figure out kids were being played with slick marketing.

Sounds like you were smarter than your school board.

My nieces' school recently did one of these. We looked up the company and their contracts, and the school receives between 10-25% of the take, while the company pockets the rest.

25% is pretty good.  It's not like the company has no costs.

But I really do hate the constant fundraising.  1-2 per year I could live with, not every month or so.  I'd rather just send the school $50 and not have to deal with any of it.


My kids' school had that option this year for $40. I happily wrote that check for each kid without a second thought. $80 to not have to deal with that was well worth it and the school gets 100%
 
2018-03-05 09:39:22 AM  
Next year the winners get to stand in one of those enclose glass cylinders that blow all the money around as they frantically grab what they can.

/ It'll be good for the commercials.
 
2018-03-05 10:43:30 AM  

BMFPitt: Theaetetus: mrmopar5287:When I was a kid my middle school had a typical fund-raiser where students sold meats, cheese, nuts, etc. It was like door-to-door sales and I'm sure the company peddling the goods made a killing while the school got some crumbs... Even at the age of about 10 I was able to figure out kids were being played with slick marketing.

Sounds like you were smarter than your school board.

My nieces' school recently did one of these. We looked up the company and their contracts, and the school receives between 10-25% of the take, while the company pockets the rest.

25% is pretty good.  It's not like the company has no costs.


No... The school gets 25% of the profits.
 
kab
2018-03-05 10:50:41 AM  
Seems like a great way to ensure that your employees do the least amount of work possible to stay employed.   Good job.
 
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