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(Slate)   The REAL way they all became the Brady Bunch   ( slate.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Marriage, lovely lady, Carol's husband, The Brady Bunch, theme song, smear peanut butter, blended suburban family, earworm theme song  
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5063 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 07 Feb 2018 at 10:10 PM (23 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



48 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2018-02-07 07:58:11 PM  
I think Mike and Carol were both murderers. How do I know?

Call it a Brady hunch.
 
2018-02-07 08:11:54 PM  
The fark is wrong with people?
 
2018-02-07 08:27:40 PM  
The crew of the Minnow were actually victims of an alien experiment. That's why they could never get off the island.
 
2018-02-07 08:39:10 PM  

fusillade762: The crew of the Minnow were actually victims of an alien experiment. That's why they could never get off the island.


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2018-02-07 08:46:15 PM  
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2018-02-07 09:26:55 PM  
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2018-02-07 09:40:22 PM  
They didn't do the killing themselves. They hired Sam "The Butcher" Franklin, a former mob enforcer and member of the High Table.

He is rumored to have taught John Wick everything he knows in his later years, when he and Alice resided in his suite at The Continental.
 
2018-02-07 10:05:24 PM  
"Mike murdered Carol's husband and Carol killed Mike's wife. It was a crisscross killing."

The author were right about there being a murder plot, but got the rest of it all wrong
It wasn't a crisscross killing, it was a MURDER FOR HIRE plot

Ever wonder why Alice was always around? Even going on all expenses paid Vacations with the family?
Ever wonder why she was always above reproach? Always had that knowing look in her eye?

That's because Alice was the killer. Alice knew their secrets, and they owed everything to Alice
She was a stone cold killer and it was no small coincidence that her boyfriend Sam ran the local butcher shop. Yes ... the butcher shop. Let that sink in. That's why the bodies were never found and why no one talks about the missing spouses. Everyone around town assumes they were selfish ne'er do wells who ran off together, abandoning their families who found true love in their shared sorrow. Who could question such a fairy tale ending?

No one it seems, no one at all. Just like no one questioned the half priced sausage on sale the week after those two love birds "eloped" together
 
2018-02-07 10:17:22 PM  

Mad_Radhu: They didn't do the killing themselves. They hired Sam "The Butcher" Franklin, a former mob enforcer and member of the High Table.

He is rumored to have taught John Wick everything he knows in his later years, when he and Alice resided in his suite at The Continental.


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2018-02-07 10:23:58 PM  

fusillade762: The crew of the Minnow were actually victims of an alien experiment. That's why they could never get off the island.


Survivor?
 
2018-02-07 10:25:20 PM  
So we're just greenlighting random fanfic now?

Mike was actually D.B. Cooper. He bought the kids from white slavers from the purser of a disreputable cargo ship docked at a remote pier in New Orleans -- they're actually Russian orphans, taken from parents who were deemed to be "Enemies of the State."

Carol was Amelia Earhart, who abandoned her flight midway after learning that the CIA planned to sterilize her upon her return to the U.S. to prevent her from using her cosmic ray-enhanced uterus to produce ubermenschen. She was able to maintain her youth indefinitely by drinking a special elixir, allegedly decanted from space alien urine, that she found in a hidden niche in the Temple of Luxor. Her children are actually Jungian manifestations of the collective unconscious.
 
2018-02-07 10:31:33 PM  
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2018-02-07 10:58:35 PM  
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2018-02-07 11:18:25 PM  
Gilligan was the Devil.
 
2018-02-07 11:22:23 PM  
I prefer the movie theory. Carol's first husband was the Professor from Gilligan's Island, and he was presumed dead because of the shipwreck.
 
2018-02-07 11:51:17 PM  
Wrong. In the pilot, it is mentioned that Mikes wife passed away. From what we don't kno. Carols hisband is never mentioned. It was taboo to mention divorce at the time by that may have been in Sherwood Schwartz mind for her history.
 
2018-02-08 12:04:57 AM  
David Lynch's Brady Bunch.
 
2018-02-08 12:29:32 AM  
You know, some producer or other is going to grab this idea and run with it.  Imagine the possibilities if someone witnessed one of the murders and starts blackmailing them, or if one or more of the kids find out or even knew all along.  He or She (Why not a duo?) secretly hate the parents for it and begin prank calling them at work. "I know who you are, and I saw what you did..." a-la that old Joan Crawford film.  Give it a contemporary time period setting and it has the potential for a truly dark and nasty tale of revenge and psychological torture.  They could easily get four or five years worth of story out of it, especially as the kids got older and the parents began to lose touch with reality.
 
2018-02-08 01:28:52 AM  
In September of 2019, it will have been 50 years since "The Brady Bunch" premiered.

Can we move on, now? There's really nothing left to be said about it.
 
2018-02-08 02:22:45 AM  
Subby works for Slate?
 
2018-02-08 02:55:52 AM  
Worked out better for them than it did for these two...

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2018-02-08 03:04:12 AM  
So in one of the shows (I guess the pilot) the youngest kid has a picture of their mom and hides it so their new mom doesn't see it. And the kid is really sad and junk...  And then they all decide together that its OK to have the old photo.

I guess that is the thing the poster above mentioned.
 
2018-02-08 04:36:42 AM  
You know, that article is even worse than I thought. I initially had to stop reading after his first error. But after checking out the whole thing, it's as if he never watched the show. The kids grandparents do show up again. In fact Robert Reed and Florence Henderson play them.
I can't believe people get paid to write this crap and editors get paid even more to publish it.
 
2018-02-08 06:57:31 AM  
I'd smear peanut butter on some crackers and glance at the conspiracy-filled stories in the afternoon paper-Watergate, the Mafia working with the CIA against Castro, new evidence about who shot JFK.

Still Lee Harvey Oswald, ya dink. And your blog sucks.

/stopped reading there
//nothing of value was lost
 
2018-02-08 07:07:57 AM  
The author has issues,  to say the least
 
2018-02-08 07:20:08 AM  

fusillade762: The crew of the Minnow were actually victims of an alien experiment. That's why they could never get off the island.


Actually they're in purgatory, or probably hell. The 7 castaways manifest the 7 deadly sins. (The Skipper "wrath", Gilligan "sloth", Ginger "lust" etc..)
 
2018-02-08 07:53:43 AM  

UberNeuman: David Lynch's Brady Bunch.


...I would give ANYTHING to see that.  It would be a a magnificent, eternal, undying masterpiece of WTF'ery.  You think Twin Peaks was whacked out?  DL's BB would make that look like a first grade Dick and Jane reader.

/And the spouses' deaths/disappearances are investigated by Agent Cooper
//Can you imagine a Lynchian Sam the Butcher?
///And when Cousin Oliver shows up....
 
2018-02-08 08:47:42 AM  

swamp_of_dumb: I'd smear peanut butter on some crackers and glance at the conspiracy-filled stories in the afternoon paper-Watergate, the Mafia working with the CIA against Castro, new evidence about who shot JFK.

Still Lee Harvey Oswald, ya dink. And your blog sucks.

/stopped reading there
//nothing of value was lost


I don't think he was talking about present day.
 
2018-02-08 09:09:32 AM  
Never mentioned in Full House either.
 
2018-02-08 09:10:36 AM  
Ha Ha Ha! Domestic violence is hilarious when women do it!!
 
2018-02-08 09:11:32 AM  
I'm floored Slate would have the gall to beg for money at the bottom of that idiotic pile of tripe.
 
2018-02-08 09:19:52 AM  

stuhayes2010: Never mentioned in Full House either.





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2018-02-08 09:23:10 AM  
Leave the whimsical 70's alone, you jaded malcontents!

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'Bartender - crank up the TV volume so I don't have to listen to these tin-foil mad-hatters.'
 
2018-02-08 11:13:06 AM  

stuhayes2010: Never mentioned in Full House either.


Actually, they do multiple times. The mother was killed by a drunk driver.

My daughter watched all the episodes back to back three times. You absorb info even when you don't want to.
 
2018-02-08 11:25:11 AM  
Wait a minute. What DOES Chandler do for a living?
 
2018-02-08 11:41:42 AM  

NoGods: Wait a minute. What DOES Chandler do for a living?


Data processing.

Chandler Bing's Job
Youtube 86kPVkZUeTg
 
2018-02-08 12:09:12 PM  

NoGods: Wait a minute. What DOES Chandler do for a living?


Chanandler


Bong

/pet peeve
 
2018-02-08 12:11:35 PM  

oldfarthenry: Leave the whimsical 70's alone, you jaded malcontents!

[img.fark.net image 600x450]
'Bartender - crank up the TV volume so I don't have to listen to these tin-foil mad-hatters.'


I've been to real bars that didn't look this good
 
2018-02-08 12:42:14 PM  

almejita: NoGods: Wait a minute. What DOES Chandler do for a living?

Chanandler


Bong

/pet peeve


That's MISS Chanandler Bong.
 
2018-02-08 12:51:59 PM  

oldfarthenry: Leave the whimsical 70's alone, you jaded malcontents!

[img.fark.net image 600x450]
'Bartender - crank up the TV volume so I don't have to listen to these tin-foil mad-hatters.'


WHEN WERE YOU IN MY UNCLE JERRY'S BASEMENT?
 
2018-02-08 12:54:37 PM  

rcain: "Mike murdered Carol's husband and Carol killed Mike's wife. It was a crisscross killing."

The author were right about there being a murder plot, but got the rest of it all wrong
It wasn't a crisscross killing, it was a MURDER FOR HIRE plot

Ever wonder why Alice was always around? Even going on all expenses paid Vacations with the family?
Ever wonder why she was always above reproach? Always had that knowing look in her eye?

That's because Alice was the killer. Alice knew their secrets, and they owed everything to Alice
She was a stone cold killer and it was no small coincidence that her boyfriend Sam ran the local butcher shop. Yes ... the butcher shop. Let that sink in. That's why the bodies were never found and why no one talks about the missing spouses. Everyone around town assumes they were selfish ne'er do wells who ran off together, abandoning their families who found true love in their shared sorrow. Who could question such a fairy tale ending?

No one it seems, no one at all. Just like no one questioned the half priced sausage on sale the week after those two love birds "eloped" together


Alice took pitty on the children because the mother (Carol) was addicted to Valium and couldn't handle the simplest of domestic tasks. Alice cooked and cleaned and whatever work was left, were the kids choirs. Carol spent hours straighting her hair and shopping for tacky 70's nic-nacs.
Meanwhile, Mike worked hard day and night during the week designing tract housing and spent many a weekend at Fire Island
 
2018-02-08 12:58:04 PM  
. Mike was clearly a man desperate to hide a secret, one that apparently curled his hair.

Well yeah, but everybody knows about that by now.
 
2018-02-08 02:13:00 PM  

Slow To Return: swamp_of_dumb: I'd smear peanut butter on some crackers and glance at the conspiracy-filled stories in the afternoon paper-Watergate, the Mafia working with the CIA against Castro, new evidence about who shot JFK.

Still Lee Harvey Oswald, ya dink. And your blog sucks.

/stopped reading there
//nothing of value was lost

I don't think he was talking about present day.


The Warren Report was out in 1964, BB debuted in 1969.
 
2018-02-08 02:42:06 PM  

AstroJesus: Gilligan was the Devil.


Gilligan was their dealer, pushing the evil marijuana.
 
2018-02-08 03:43:50 PM  

resident dystopian: fusillade762: The crew of the Minnow were actually victims of an alien experiment. That's why they could never get off the island.

Actually they're in purgatory, or probably hell. The 7 castaways manifest the 7 deadly sins. (The Skipper "wrath", Gilligan "sloth", Ginger "lust" etc..)


So they're in the Lost universe?
 
2018-02-08 05:14:01 PM  
Wrong, Jessica Fletcher of "Murder, She Wrote" was hired to kill the former spouses clearing the way for a new marriage. Fletcher was the most successful mass murder in history.
 
2018-02-08 08:31:46 PM  
well that was a waste of time
 
2018-02-08 10:23:11 PM  
Marcia..!
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Marcia..!
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Marcia..!?
img.fark.netView Full Size


/Sites say the last pic is "authentic".
//She did autograph it, either way.
///Reported.
 
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