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(ESPN)   The Patriots fall after being embarrassed by the Dolphins, the Eagles will have a tough road ahead without Carson Wentz, and the rest of the rankings look like ESPN threw darts at a board to set the order. It's your weekly NFL Power Rankings   ( espn.com) divider line
    More: Spiffy, American football, ranking, record, season, No., American football positions, Total QBR, yards  
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1345 clicks; posted to Sports » on 12 Dec 2017 at 12:20 PM (31 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2017-12-12 11:02:10 AM  
Week 15's FARK/FAIL system results are fresh out of the oven. Get 'em while they're hot!

1) Philadelphia (3)
2) Pittsburgh (1)
3) Minnesota (5)
4) New England (2)
5) LA Rams (4)
6) Jacksonville (8)
7) New Orleans (6)
8) Carolina (7)
9) Atlanta (10)
10) Baltimore (12)
11) Dallas (15)
12) Seattle (9)
13) Buffalo (17)
14) LA Chargers (11)
15) Kansas City (13)
16) Tennessee (18)
17) Detroit (16)
18) Green Bay (14)
19) Oakland (19)
20) Arizona (20)
21) Washington (21)
22) Miami (22)
23) Denver (24)
24) New York (J) (28)
25) Cincinnati (23)
26) Tampa Bay (27)
27) Chicago (26)
28) Houston (25)
29) San Francisco (29)
30) Indianapolis (30)
31) New York (G) (31)
32) Cleveland (32)

Parentheses are ESPN's rankings

The Packers Are Too Damn High: -4 compared to ESPN
The Cowboys, Bills, and Jets Are Too Damn Low: +4 compared to ESPN
 
2017-12-12 11:52:09 AM  
I'm ranking my daughter's boyfriend as very high...
img.fark.netView Full Size

Disclaimer: My actual family is imaginary.
Also, Geaux Saints!
 
2017-12-12 11:58:05 AM  
Brady lifetime at Miami:  8-8
50% of the Patriots losses in the last 5 years have come from the AFC East.
Disappointing loss, but not surprising.
That said, hats off to Miami. They looked like a top tier defense last night. Crazy.
 
2017-12-12 12:21:51 PM  
rankings look like ESPN threw darts at a board to set the order

Or, as we call it, Tuesday.

/BTW, who kidnapped Cutler and replaced him with a good QB?
 
2017-12-12 12:26:50 PM  
How do the Rams rank ahead of the Vikings if this is based on head to head?
 
2017-12-12 12:27:22 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-12-12 12:29:22 PM  
0-11 on 3rd downs.

There's a new Fish Curse, but because only Home Field is involved, no one cares.
 
2017-12-12 12:30:46 PM  
WHAR GRAF WHAR JAKE WHAR


ok, got that out of my system. whew!

At this point, we didn't lose to the Browns. Granted, we required OT to pull it off, and we also needed the Browns to go Full Cleveland, but we did it.

We went 3-4, which frankly is as well as I could have hoped for. I believe this brings McCarthy's record without Aaron to 5-10-1.

Highly successful.

*eyeroll*
 
2017-12-12 12:32:50 PM  
I mean, I'm Steelers fan and all, but I hate being ranked one. That's a recipe for disaster for the Steelers.
 
2017-12-12 12:34:35 PM  
Huh.
 
2017-12-12 12:36:38 PM  
So what's ahead?

The NFC:

The Iggles aren't DOA with Foles. Granted, he's not anywhere near as good as Wentz, but he's OK with running Doug's offense. They are not the Drew Stanton Cardinals in the playoffs. They're hurting, but they're still dangerous.

The Vikes and Rams are the other top tier teams, the Saints & Panthers right behind, and the Seahawks and FAILCons behind them.

The NFC is fairly up for grabs.

The AFC? Well, we have the Stillers, the Cheatriots, and the Jags. Pittsburgh has lost the Bears FFS, and we all saw what quivering, pulsing children New England is facing the mighty LOLPhins in Miami.

Is Jacksonville our new AFC overlord?

bryanwenzel.comView Full Size
 
2017-12-12 12:39:51 PM  
Steelers #1 stopreadingrightthere.jpg

Get ready to be embarrassed next week, Steelers fans.

//steelers fan
 
2017-12-12 12:41:01 PM  
YMMV on the below of course. I feel like the NFC is wide open. I also posted this in one of the Wentz articles. Seems appropriate for here.

Better than everyone:
Patriots - Yes even after losing to Miami.

Slightly better than everyone but the Patriots:
Steelers - To get to the SB anyway. If it's the actual SB I would actually  put them down to the list below.
Eagl - NOT SO FAST THERE.

Other teams with a real chance to make a run:
Saints
Vikings
Panthers
Rams
Eagles - Post Wentz.
Jags
Seahawks - Just *BARELY* on this part of the list since they did beat the Eagles with Wentz and have been competing well against playoff teams.

Teams that may just make the playoffs but aren't good enough to beat the teams above:
Falcons
Chargers-or-Whoever-else comes-out-of-the-AFC-West
Ravens
Bills

Complete Wild Card:
Packers - Basically if we hear glass shattering and Aaron Rodgers going out there giving Stunners to the entirety of the Carolina's then all bets above are off. Aaron Rodgers on a winning streak will ruin playoff runs for teams.
 
2017-12-12 12:41:32 PM  
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2017-12-12 12:42:38 PM  
This is the first time all season I might agree with where Baltimore sits. The defense should be better over the last 3 games, once they settle into life without Jimmy Smith (and consider they play the Browns, Colts, and Bengals). And the offense looks like they have turned a corner. Alex Collins has been amazing, barring some early season fumbling issues. The best description I have heard of him is that he runs like his hair is on fire.

If only the Ravens had thought about giving him the ball more at the end of the game Sunday.
 
2017-12-12 12:49:16 PM  

Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Fark Account: Steelers #1 stopreadingrightthere.jpg

Get ready to be embarrassed next week, Steelers fans.

//steelers fan


Next week? How about the last three weeks? It looked like the team had no idea what they were doing out there until halfway through the third quarter. I'd put MIN at #1.

/ lifelong Steeler fan
 
2017-12-12 12:49:42 PM  
Rams/Jags Super Bowl

Book it. done.
 
2017-12-12 12:50:43 PM  
The second FOX showed the injury tent, I knew the Eagles season was over. Every time they look like true contenders, they find a way to rip your heart out.
 
2017-12-12 12:52:22 PM  

Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Fark Account: Steelers #1 stopreadingrightthere.jpg

Get ready to be embarrassed next week, Steelers fans.

//steelers fan


Mad Deflator?
 
2017-12-12 12:54:10 PM  

nmrsnr: Week 15's FARK/FAIL system results are fresh out of the oven. Get 'em while they're hot!

1) Philadelphia (3)
2) Pittsburgh (1)
3) Minnesota (5)
4) New England (2)
5) LA Rams (4)
6) Jacksonville (8)
7) New Orleans (6)
8) Carolina (7)
9) Atlanta (10)
10) Baltimore (12)
11) Dallas (15)
12) Seattle (9)
13) Buffalo (17)
14) LA Chargers (11)
15) Kansas City (13)
16) Tennessee (18)
17) Detroit (16)
18) Green Bay (14)
19) Oakland (19)
20) Arizona (20)
21) Washington (21)
22) Miami (22)
23) Denver (24)
24) New York (J) (28)
25) Cincinnati (23)
26) Tampa Bay (27)
27) Chicago (26)
28) Houston (25)
29) San Francisco (29)
30) Indianapolis (30)
31) New York (G) (31)
32) Cleveland (32)

Parentheses are ESPN's rankings

The Packers Are Too Damn High: -4 compared to ESPN
The Cowboys, Bills, and Jets Are Too Damn Low: +4 compared to ESPN


The bucs at 26, really?
I can buy 2, maybe 3, teams being worse than them, tops.
 
2017-12-12 12:57:00 PM  

nmrsnr: Week 15's FARK/FAIL system results are fresh out of the oven. Get 'em while they're hot!

1) Philadelphia (3)
2) Pittsburgh (1)
3) Minnesota (5)
4) New England (2)
5) LA Rams (4)
6) Jacksonville (8)
7) New Orleans (6)
8) Carolina (7)
9) Atlanta (10)

10) Baltimore (12)
11) Dallas (15)
12) Seattle (9)
13) Buffalo (17)
14) LA Chargers (11)
15) Kansas City (13)
16) Tennessee (18)
17) Detroit (16)
18) Green Bay (14)
19) Oakland (19)
20) Arizona (20)
21) Washington (21)
22) Miami (22)
23) Denver (24)
24) New York (J) (28)
25) Cincinnati (23)
26) Tampa Bay (27)
27) Chicago (26)
28) Houston (25)
29) San Francisco (29)
30) Indianapolis (30)
31) New York (G) (31)
32) Cleveland (32)

Parentheses are ESPN's rankings

The Packers Are Too Damn High: -4 compared to ESPN
The Cowboys, Bills, and Jets Are Too Damn Low: +4 compared to ESPN


NFC south at 7, 8, and 9.  What are the chances that all three could make the playoffs?
 
2017-12-12 12:59:19 PM  
Brady and Bellichick are still high-fiving each other that they won't have to face the Eagles with Wentz in the Superbowl.  If they can just keep their shiat together enough to get by Pittsburgh AGAIN then it's over.
 
2017-12-12 01:04:05 PM  
God, I've seen at least two sites/people (Charlie Casserly, ESPN) call Jack Doyle a playmaker.

My god he is not. He's a decent safety valve who ends up catching a fair number of first downs. That is important. However he has never exceeded 10 YPC in the NFL and is currently a robust 30th in YPC excluding any TE with fewer than 20 catches. His catch rate is high (3rd) but his depth of target is 20th in the NFL with the same exclusions. His season long catch is the lowest among active TEs this season and has maybe 2-3 YAC. He's not a threat in the redzone.

He's just a TE with common limitations (speed, agility) which is, surprisingly, recognized by a buffoon as awful at being OC as Chud.
 
2017-12-12 01:05:20 PM  

Muzzleloader: The bucs at 26, really?
I can buy 2, maybe 3, teams being worse than them, tops.


The Garoppolo'ed 49ers are probably better, the FARK/FAIL takes time to adjust to big changes like that, but the Bears, Colts, Giants, and Browns are right where they ought to be, IMO.
 
2017-12-12 01:06:12 PM  
steelers pats will be a great game
 
2017-12-12 01:12:10 PM  

bark2787: nmrsnr: Week 15's FARK/FAIL system results are fresh out of the oven. Get 'em while they're hot!

1) Philadelphia (3)
2) Pittsburgh (1)
3) Minnesota (5)
4) New England (2)
5) LA Rams (4)
6) Jacksonville (8)
7) New Orleans (6)
8) Carolina (7)
9) Atlanta (10)
10) Baltimore (12)
11) Dallas (15)
12) Seattle (9)
13) Buffalo (17)
14) LA Chargers (11)
15) Kansas City (13)
16) Tennessee (18)
17) Detroit (16)
18) Green Bay (14)
19) Oakland (19)
20) Arizona (20)
21) Washington (21)
22) Miami (22)
23) Denver (24)
24) New York (J) (28)
25) Cincinnati (23)
26) Tampa Bay (27)
27) Chicago (26)
28) Houston (25)
29) San Francisco (29)
30) Indianapolis (30)
31) New York (G) (31)
32) Cleveland (32)

Parentheses are ESPN's rankings

The Packers Are Too Damn High: -4 compared to ESPN
The Cowboys, Bills, and Jets Are Too Damn Low: +4 compared to ESPN

NFC south at 7, 8, and 9.  What are the chances that all three could make the playoffs?


Seems pretty likely playing with the Playoff Machine.  Only odd thing that has to happen is the Falcons to beat the Panthers in Week 17.  Other than that it is a fairly chalk scenario.

http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/machi​n​e/_/results/400951705~1~400951768~1~40​0951772~2~400951774~2~400951777~1~4009​51778~2~400951781~1~400951784~1~400951​806~1~400951808~2~400951809~2~40095181​1~2~400951812~2~400951813~2~400951814~​2~400951816~2~400951596~1~400951602~2~​400951613~1~400951617~1~400951621~2~40​0951625~2~400951631~1~400951637~1~4009​51642~2~400951667~2~400951671~1~400951​675~2~400951682~1~400951709~1~40095171​4~2~400951719~1~400951734~1~400951739~​1~400951741~2~400951745~1~400951748~1~​400951750~1~400951756~1~400951757~2~40​0951759~2~400951762~1~400951764~2~4009​51788~2~400951789~2~400951791~1~400951​792~1~400951793~1
 
2017-12-12 01:23:46 PM  

Outlawtsar: bark2787: nmrsnr: Week 15's FARK/FAIL system results are fresh out of the oven. Get 'em while they're hot!

1) Philadelphia (3)
2) Pittsburgh (1)
3) Minnesota (5)
4) New England (2)
5) LA Rams (4)
6) Jacksonville (8)
7) New Orleans (6)
8) Carolina (7)
9) Atlanta (10)
10) Baltimore (12)
11) Dallas (15)
12) Seattle (9)
13) Buffalo (17)
14) LA Chargers (11)
15) Kansas City (13)
16) Tennessee (18)
17) Detroit (16)
18) Green Bay (14)
19) Oakland (19)
20) Arizona (20)
21) Washington (21)
22) Miami (22)
23) Denver (24)
24) New York (J) (28)
25) Cincinnati (23)
26) Tampa Bay (27)
27) Chicago (26)
28) Houston (25)
29) San Francisco (29)
30) Indianapolis (30)
31) New York (G) (31)
32) Cleveland (32)

Parentheses are ESPN's rankings

The Packers Are Too Damn High: -4 compared to ESPN
The Cowboys, Bills, and Jets Are Too Damn Low: +4 compared to ESPN

NFC south at 7, 8, and 9.  What are the chances that all three could make the playoffs?

Seems pretty likely playing with the Playoff Machine.  Only odd thing that has to happen is the Falcons to beat the Panthers in Week 17.  Other than that it is a fairly chalk scenario.

http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/machin​e/_/results/400951705~1~400951768~1~40​0951772~2~400951774~2~400951777~1~4009​51778~2~400951781~1~400951784~1~400951​806~1~400951808~2~400951809~2~40095181​1~2~400951812~2~400951813~2~400951814~​2~400951816~2~400951596~1~400951602~2~​400951613~1~400951617~1~400951621~2~40​0951625~2~400951631~1~400951637~1~4009​51642~2~400951667~2~400951671~1~400951​675~2~400951682~1~400951709~1~40095171​4~2~400951719~1~400951734~1~400951739~​1~400951741~2~400951745~1~400951748~1~​400951750~1~400951756~1~400951757~2~40​0951759~2~400951762~1~400951764~2~4009​51788~2~400951789~2~400951791~1~400951​792~1~400951793~1


You had the Sehawaks losing to the Cowboys, I changed that and it did nothing to the playoff teams. Still the NFC South teams in with the same seedings. Everything else, I generally agree with so to me that seems the most likely scenario.
 
2017-12-12 01:28:47 PM  
This week i learned:

Saints need Kamara to go anywhere
Pats need Gronk to go anywhere
Eagles are cursed but not in the cart yet
Houston has no idea how to look at their players' heads.
Erryone salty this time of year
 
2017-12-12 01:31:17 PM  
Goddammit Broncos don't start winning now....
 
2017-12-12 01:32:36 PM  
I can't believe where they put the Packers (and I am a life long fan). Bringing Aaron back with the hope they can finish 10-6 and hope that gets them in is absurd. Either Hundley gets them there or not. If they DO make the playoffs, then let Aaron play but give him the next three weeks to rest. Because even if Rodgers does play, that marvelous Capers defense will find a way to lose anyway.
 
2017-12-12 01:38:32 PM  
Giants at...fark it don't care; bring on the off-season.

cefm: Brady and Bellichick are still high-fiving each other that they won't have to face the Eagles with Wentz in the Superbowl.  If they can just keep their shiat together enough to get by Pittsburgh AGAIN then it's over.


Can't believe I'm saying this but...I think the Steelers are going to beat the Pats down badly next week.

Think about it:  Steelers have faced back-to-back back-alley brawls with the Bengals and Ravens and lived to tell about it, not to mention win the game.  I don't think the Pats "best shot" is going to faze them considering what's happened the last two weeks.
 
2017-12-12 01:38:53 PM  

LucklessWonder: Rams/Jags Super Bowl

Book it. done.


img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-12-12 01:40:05 PM  

Marbleisheavy: Erryone salty this time of year


FTFY
 
2017-12-12 01:44:23 PM  
Outlawtsar:
Seems pretty likely playing with the Playoff Machine.  Only odd thing that has to happen is the Falcons to beat the Panthers in Week 17.  Other than that it is a fairly chalk scenario.

http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/machin​e/_/results/400951705~1~400951768~1~40​0951772~2~400951774~2~400951777~1~4009​51778~2~400951781~1~400951784~1~400951​806~1~400951808~2~400951809~2~40095181​1~2~400951812~2~400951813~2~400951814~​2~400951816~2~400951596~1~400951602~2~​400951613~1~400951617~1~400951621~2~40​0951625~2~400951631~1~400951637~1~4009​51642~2~400951667~2~400951671~1~400951​675~2~400951682~1~400951709~1~40095171​4~2~400951719~1~400951734~1~400951739~​1~400951741~2~400951745~1~400951748~1~​400951750~1~400951756~1~400951757~2~40​0951759~2~400951762~1~400951764~2~4009​51788~2~400951789~2~400951791~1~400951​792~1~400951793~1


How do you export that?  For amusement I worked up the failure bracket where the higher ranked team always lost
 
2017-12-12 01:47:16 PM  

Rwa2play: Think about it: Steelers have faced back-to-back back-alley brawls with the Bengals and Ravens and lived to tell about it, not to mention win the game. I don't think the Pats "best shot" is going to faze them considering what's happened the last two weeks.


they needed to rally to beat two not-very-good teams
 
2017-12-12 01:48:18 PM  
Pittsburgh Steelers
Jesus CHRIST, Pittsburgh! You need a last-minute field goal to beat the friggin' RAVENS? You can't keep playing down to your opponents like this if you want home-field advantage in the Playoffs! You've got TOM BRADY AND THE PATRIOTS on Sunday, for God's sake! >:-(

Hey, Morty, can you help me out with this?

Rick and Morty | Get your shit together
Youtube xIAfCupuZ3w

Thank you! -.-

New England Patriots
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Philadelphia Eagles
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I'm sorry, Eagles fans.

I'm so sorry. :-(

Los Angeles Rams
While you lost the battle to the Eagles Sunday, you may have won the war by ending their QB's season with a torn ACL. That could be a critical development should you face each other in the Playoffs.

Meanwhile, YOUR QB Jared Goff threw for 199 yards and 2 TDs, but coughed up the ball once. RB Todd Gurley ran for 96 yards and 2 more touchdowns against a vaunted Philadelphia defense.

Next Sunday, you travel to Seattle for a rematch with the Seahawks. Things didn't go well last time you two faced off. You're going to need to try harder if you want to lock up the division title.

Minnesota Vikings
Well, I hope you enjoyed being in 1st Place in the NFC while it lasted! Though you were only down 14-13 at Halftime, you guys got SMOKED in the 3rd Quarter, and were unable to rebound in the 4th.

Has midnight struck on QB Case Keenum, turning him back into a pumpkin? Though he threw for 280 yards, rushed for 40 more, and threw 2 touchdown passes, he also gave up 2 interceptions and a fumble. Hopefully, your management has enough confidence in him to write this one off, but another performance like this and it won't be long before the calls of "WE WANT TED-DY!" start to grow in Minnesota. :-(

New Orleans Saints
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NO, ROB! DON'T DO IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! THE SAINTS CAN STILL WIN THE DIVISION! O_O

I MEAN, SURE, THEY CHOKED THE GAME AWAY AFTER YOU GAVE THE FALCONS S**T ALL YEAR FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN SUPER BOWL LI, BUT BREES WENT 26/35 FOR 271 YARDS AND 2 TOUCHDOWNS! SO WHAT IF HIS ONLY PICK CAME ON THE SAINTS LAST POSSESSION? HE STILL PLAYED A SOLID GAME!

AND ALVIN KAMARA ONLY HAS A CONCUSSION! HE'LL BE GOOD TO GO IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS! PROBABLY! >_>'

C'MON, SURE SEAN PAYTON COMMITTED A DUMBASS PENALTY THAT COST THEM THE GAME, BUT WHO HASN'T? IT HAPPENS! o_o'

THE SAINTS PLAY THE JETS NEXT WEEK! THE JETS! THEY'LL BE FINE! PLEASE GET OFF THE ROOF, ROB!!! :O

Carolina Panthers
Holy S**T, Jonathan Stewart is beast! His 103 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns, including a 60-yd bulldoze to the Vikings' End Zone, were the deciding factor in your win Sunday afternoon. If he doesn't get picked for the Pro Bowl, there is something seriously wrong with this league.

Thanks to some what-the-f**kery in Atlanta last Thursday night, you're now tied with New Orleans for the NFC South title going into the last 3 weeks of the season. Try not to screw up.

Jacksonville Jaguars
You spanked the Seattle Seahawks, moved into 1st Place in the AFC South with 3 games left, and, once again, made BLAKE BORTLES look like Aaron Rodgers.

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The Bunny is pleased. Good work. :-)

Seattle Seahawks
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA​HAHAHA!!! XD

Atlanta Falcons
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Ladies and gentlemen of Atlanta, THIS is LB Deion Jones.

He is the ONLY reason you were able to beat the Saints on Thursday night.

Not QB Matt Ryan and his 3 interceptions. Not RB Devonta Freeman and his 91 yards on the ground.

Deion. Jones.

Give this man the respect he deserves, access to the finest whores in the ATL, and make Arthur Blank write him a f**king blank check, because he just SINGLE-HANDEDLY saved your f**king season. >:-(

Los Angeles Chargers
You beat the vaunted Washington [REDACTED] at home, are tied with Kansas City for 1st Place in the AFC West, and robbed the Denver Broncos of ANY hope of Playoff contention.

What I'm trying to say is... F**k you, Dean Spanos. >:-(

Baltimore Ravens
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Welcome to the No-Playoffs Club, guys. :-(

Kansas City Chiefs
Congratulations! You finally managed to win a game to stop the bleeding, and against the Raiders to boot! :D

QB Alex Smith threw for 268 yards and only 1 interception, while RBs Kareem Hunt and Charcandrick West each scored your teams only touchdowns on the day, with the former rushing for an impressive 116 yards. Your defense recorded 3 sacks on the day, 2 interceptions, and a forced fumble as they made everyone in black-and-silver NOT named Marshawn Lynch their b*tch.

You host your division-rival L.A. Chargers on Saturday with the fate of the AFC West hanging in the balance. DON'T. BLOW. THIS. >:-(

Green Bay Packers
You almost s**t the bed against the Browns. The CLEVELAND. GODDAMN. BROWNS. Fortunately, you realized your horrible mistake, and rally back in the 4th to win in Overtime. Probably not before a half-dozen of your die-hard fans had heart attacks thinking they were witnessing the End of Creation, but still...

QB Brett "The Hitman" Hundley threw for 265 yards and 3 touchdowns, including the game-winner to WR Davante Adams, while RB Jamaal Williams ran for 49 yards and 1 TD to kick off your comeback in Cleveland. On defense, the FS with the GREATEST NAME EVER, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, and SS Josh Jones each contributed with timely interceptions.
Now, bad news is, you travel to Carolina next week to play the Panthers, and they're solid this year. Good news? Word on the streets is THIS guy...

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...is ready to have your back. :-)

Dallas Cowboys
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I know QB Dak Prescott threw for 332 yards and 3 (!) touchdowns, while RB Rod Smith had a break-out performance of 47 rushing yards and the game's Dagger. But, JEEZ, Dallas! Save some room for the Raiders next Sunday! :-(

Detroit Lions
Despite QB Matt Stafford's valiant efforts at winning himself a Jake, K Matt Prater wanted to win the actual game even more. Stafford threw for 381 yards, 1 touchdown, and 2 interceptions on the day, while Prater kicked the game-winning, 46-yd field goal with :45 left in regulation. RB Theo Riddick, meanwhile, ran for 28 yards and 2 touchdowns. The defense did their best to embarrass the Buccaneers, forcing 3 fumbles and 2 interceptions.

However, at 3 games behind the Vikings in the NFC North, you're going to need a few miracles in the coming weeks just to make the Playoffs. Given your, shall we say, "cursed" history, it's probably not going to happen. But, hey! It's worth a shot. :/

Buffalo Bills
We now go live to members of the Bills Mafia, still celebrating, and trying to warm up from, their 13-7 overtime "Blizzard Bowl" victory!

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I, for one, can't wait to see how the Dolphins fare next Sunday. XD

Tennessee Titans
... Blaine Gabbert.

Your prized QB Marcus Mariota was overpowered, outmatched, and outrun... by BLAINE GABBERT.

It wasn't enough to just LOSE to the Cardinals, but Mariota threw and ran for less yardage and committed more turnovers than Blaine "The-49ers-think-I'm-better-than-Colin Kaepernick!" Gabbert. Blaine "Can-You-Believe-The-Jaguars-Wasted-A-​1st-Round-Draft-Pick-On-Me?" Gabbert. Blaine "I-Once-Got-Sacked-By-The-Cleveland-Br​owns-For-A-15-yd-Loss" Gabbert.

SHALL I F**KING GO ON?! >:-(

It's going to be hilarious to watch you guys get wasted by the Niners next week. Enjoy your 5th Seed while it lasts!

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Oakland/Vegas Raiders
A valiant 4th Quarter surge wasn't enough to counter a completely dismal performance. QB Derek Carr threw for 211 yards, 1 touchdown, and an interception, while RB Marshawn Lynch unlocked "Beast Mode" for 61 yards, including a 22-yd TD run. WR Johnny Holton committed the only fumble of the day, while P Marquette King made sure "Puntamania" ran wild in Arrowhead.

Next Sunday night, you get to host the "Alien vs. Predator" of NFL games when the Dallas Cowboys come to town; whoever wins, WE lose. -_-

Arizona Cardinals
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Washington [REDACTED]
Goddammit, Kirk Cousins! You just HAD to throw a game-ending pick-six, didn't you? Now, the Chargers are tied for 1st in the AFC West, and the Broncos are mathematically eliminated from the Playoffs.

I hope the Cardinals kick your asses next week. F**k you, Dan Snyder! >:-(

Miami Dolphins
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I don't know HOW you guys pulled this one off! You EMBARRASSED the defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots on Monday Night Football!  O_O

QB Jay Cutler threw for 263 yards and 3 touchdowns, 2 of them to WR Jarvis Landry. JAY CUTLER! CB Xavien Howard picked off TOM BRADY not once, but TWICE! Your defense fended off the vaunted Patriots offense in the Red Zone, and made it look easy!

Good for you, Miami. :-)

Cincinnati Bengals
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After the s**t you pulled last Monday against the Steelers, it was so, SO enjoyable to see you get your asses kicked by DA' Bears! >:-)

QB Andy "The Red Rocket" Dalton threw for 141 yards, 1 touchdown, and 1 interception before getting pulled for AJ McCarron. WR A.J. Green committed the game's only fumble. Your defense was able to record 2 sacks, but got absolutely SMOKED by Chicago's rookie QB sensation, Mitchell "Mitch" Trubisky and DA' Bears' offense.

Next, it's on the Minnesota, where this commentator hopes you get your asses kicked again. It would amuse me greatly. >:-(

THE DENVER BRONCOS!!!
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Congratulations! You FINALLY won your 1st game since the Week 4 Bye! :D

QB Trevor Siemian threw for 200 yards and a touchdown, while Brandon McManus kicked 3 field goals on 4 tries. But, it was the defense who came through for you today, holding the vaunted Jets offense to a paltry 98 COMBINED yards! ILB Brandon Marshal forced a fumble, recovered by DE Adam Gotsis, and FS Darian Stewart made an interception.

Though the Playoffs may be out of reach, stringing together a series of wins to end the year would be a BIG morale booster that could be carried into NEXT season. You travel to Indy on Thursday Night for the 2017 "Pony Bowl" against an exhausted Colts team. You can do it! :-)

Houston Texans
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QB Tom Savage gets hit so hard he has a SEIZURE and COUGHS UP BLOOD, and you let him keep playing?! What the f**k is WRONG with you guys?! >:O

At some point, SOMEONE figured out he needed medical treatment and had him pulled, but, JESUS!

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Oh, and you lost to the 49ers.

You guys suck. >:-(

Chicago Bears
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Holy crap, you mauled the Bengals! O.O

Rookie QB Mitchell "Mitch" Trubisky threw for 271 yards and 1 touchdown, while rushing for 5 yards and another touchdown. 2nd-year RB Jordan Howard ran for 147 yards and 2 touchdowns. K Mike Nugent went 2-for-2 on field goals, but 3-for-4 on extra point attempts.
Your defense, meanwhile, did their best to summon their inner "Monsters of the Midway", recording 3 sacks and holding Cincinnati to just 7 points. Meanwhile, FS Eddie Jackson, had himself a day with an interception and a forced fumble/recovery. A fantastic outing by the entire team, really. :-)

You're a young team with some good potential. Sorry your coach is getting canned after the season. :-(

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
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Well, folks, it looks like the "Crusty Crab" has struck again. Although QB Jameis Winston threw for 285 yards, ran for 10 more, and threw 2 touchdown passes, he gave up 2 picks and a fumble trying to secure another Jake this season.

Your defense tried its best, picking off Lions QB Matthew Stafford twice, but their efforts were, ultimately, futile.

Things will get even tougher next week, when you host your division-rival Atlanta Falcons, who are in the hunt for the NFC South title. I, for one, do not envy you one bit. :-(

New York Jets
You got SHUT OUT by the 3-9 Denver Broncos, racked up a franchise-low 98 TOTAL yards, and QB Josh McCown left the game with a hand injury.

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Thank you. ^_^

San Francisco Santa Clara 49ers
1st-year HC Kyle Shanahan is a fool for not trading for QB Jimmy Garoppolo earlier in the season! "Jimmy G" threw for 334 yards, 1 touchdown, and an interception. RB Carlos Hyde ran for 71 yards and a touchdown. K Robbie Gould went 4-for-4 on field goals.
Your defense recorded 3 sacks, 1 forced fumble, and damn-near KILLED Texans QB "Macho Man" Tom Savage.

This was your second consecutive win this year; a feat known in some circles as a "winning streak". You host the Titans next Sunday. Let's see if you can make it 3 in a row. :-)

Indianapolis Colts
We now go live to the Colts' fanbase, trying to recover from their 13-7 overtime "Blizzard Bowl" defeat.

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Um... hope you thaw out before the "Pony Bowl" Thursday? >_>'

New York Football Giants
Good news! Ben McAdoo has been sacked, and QB Eli Manning has been restored to his starting position. :-)

Bad news! Eli still couldn't do s**t and threw 2 picks in a home loss to the Cowboys. :-(

Can we fire John Mara? Is that allowed? >_>'

Cleveland Browns
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See you guys Thursday night! :-)
 
2017-12-12 01:49:00 PM  
Bills face a huge swing if they lose. One loss to the Dolphins and they are out of the wild-card chase. Pats don't matter surprisingly. Two Dolphin wins against and they go from no playoff chance to 41%. Also need help from the Ravens. A loss to IND or CIN will knock the Bills into a locked WC position.
 
2017-12-12 01:52:53 PM  
I still can't get used to seeing the Niners in the top 30......
 
2017-12-12 01:53:27 PM  
I like this new gritty Capn Steroid thing

Lets hope the Broncos leave you like this every year from now on so the write-ups can continue
 
2017-12-12 01:57:05 PM  

Marbleisheavy: Eagles are cursed but not in the cart yet


They're already on the cart. If your coach has two top shelf RBs and thinks "I think we should throw it every f*cking down", he's an idiot. Up by 10 at half time? Let's throw it some more.

/ Blount - 7 carries
// Ajayi - 15 carries
/// 51 passes
// you can tell he studied under Reid
/ he's a moron
 
2017-12-12 01:57:58 PM  
Damn there goes my perfect Eliminator Challenge.  Whoa, just saw everyone else lost too.
 
2017-12-12 02:06:47 PM  
Third FwC semi-final in a row, biatches.
 
2017-12-12 02:08:33 PM  

gunsmack: Marbleisheavy: Eagles are cursed but not in the cart yet

They're already on the cart. If your coach has two top shelf RBs and thinks "I think we should throw it every f*cking down", he's an idiot. Up by 10 at half time? Let's throw it some more.

/ Blount - 7 carries
// Ajayi - 15 carries
/// 51 passes
// you can tell he studied under Reid
/ he's a moron


and yet the Eagles won the game and are 11-2

/probably get more balance with Foles as QB since the RPO won't be as effective without Wentz
 
2017-12-12 02:18:25 PM  
Thoughts on Steelers/Ceatriots game:

Never mind losing to bears. Steelers always play to the level of the competition. Not relevant to a vs. NE game, unless you're arguing that Pittsburgh will play better than they have all year. (Which is what I expect. They will show up for this one.)

I have said to anyone within earshot for weeks that the Steelers aren't going to be able to stop the Brady offense, so the Steelers are going to have to put up at least a fortyburger to win, maybe more.

Steelers proved they could do that this week against the Ravens. And they did it without "The Hero of the 'Burgh," Sir JuJu.

In addition, Miami found a way to stop Brady last night. Granted, Brady didn't have Gronk to cuddle all night, but still, NE is a system. And Miami messed it up. Steelers have people smarter than me looking at that tape. Top men. TOP MEN. I don't know the answer, but I am hopeful that the Steelers will find a little of Miami's magic and translate it for their own use.

It's no gimme, that's for sure. It's goign to take an alost perfect game on teh part of the Stillers and some further suckage by the Pats, but it can be done. It is possible. We have hope.

I'm going to bed now. But first I'm going to kiss my son and whisper two words in his ear. Against the dreams that may come, you know. Two words that sound not a bit alike. One of them is Pittsburgh. The other is hope.
 
2017-12-12 02:31:26 PM  

Marbleisheavy: Pats need Gronk to go anywhere


More specifically, without their best slot receiver and any pass-catching tight ends who can block, the Patriots have a tough time against a solid pass rush.
 
2017-12-12 02:34:20 PM  
You would think Giants fans would be sympathetic to the Eagles fans....they certainly know that a shiatty team can win a superbowl.
 
2017-12-12 02:36:28 PM  

cefm: Brady and Bellichick are still high-fiving each other that they won't have to face the Eagles with Wentz in the Superbowl.  If they can just keep their shiat together enough to get by Pittsburgh AGAIN then it's over.


But they're an animal team, and a bird at that, those are the kinds of teams they have success against.

ElwoodCuse: Rwa2play: Think about it: Steelers have faced back-to-back back-alley brawls with the Bengals and Ravens and lived to tell about it, not to mention win the game. I don't think the Pats "best shot" is going to faze them considering what's happened the last two weeks.

they needed to rally to beat two not-very-good teams


Flacco wasn't exactly playing well before that game vs. Pittsburgh and Dalton has been average, both put up points vs. the Steelers secondary. That said AB is just too good right now.
 
2017-12-12 02:37:32 PM  

WinoRhino: Marbleisheavy: Pats need Gronk to go anywhere

More specifically, without their best slot receiver and any pass-catching tight ends who can block, the Patriots have a tough time against a solid pass rush.


Gronk woulda crushed the dolphins heads who intercepted Brady last night
 
2017-12-12 02:40:07 PM  

johnny_vegas: gunsmack: Marbleisheavy: Eagles are cursed but not in the cart yet

They're already on the cart. If your coach has two top shelf RBs and thinks "I think we should throw it every f*cking down", he's an idiot. Up by 10 at half time? Let's throw it some more.

/ Blount - 7 carries
// Ajayi - 15 carries
/// 51 passes
// you can tell he studied under Reid
/ he's a moron

and yet the Eagles won the game and are 11-2

/probably get more balance with Foles as QB since the RPO won't be as effective without Wentz


Ironically what they should do during the last couple games of regular season is to throw the ball a lot.  Foles needs the reps with WR's, and left side of the O-line needs more work pass protecting.  Save the balance for the playoffs so D's don't just stack the box and make Foles beat them with his arm.
 
2017-12-12 02:43:25 PM  

wraith95: I mean, I'm Steelers fan and all, but I hate being ranked one. That's a recipe for disaster for the Steelers.


I'm a steelers fan too but I agree. They are all beatable. Steelers, pats, eagles, vikes, rams, etc. Of course at some point the nfl will anoint a champion and say a bunch of shiat about character and 'arriving' and rising above and lots of other horseshiat. Note - they were all beatable last year and the year before and the year before that but someone has to win the game the day they play it. And that's your meaningless sports minute...
 
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