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(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: I'm 46, my partner is 35. We're married lesbians and have been together ten years. Recently, the sex has gone out of our marriage; she's happy at home, not cheating, but depressed at work. What can I do to get her to have sex again?"   ( slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, social life, Love, wife, relationship, new girlfriend, mother, percent good marriage, affection multiple times  
•       •       •

560 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 03 Nov 2017 at 7:20 AM (32 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2017-11-03 07:11:52 AM  
Clearly, the only solution is to contact the woman spurned by the poly guy in the other letter.
 
2017-11-03 07:19:49 AM  
It's comforting to know that same sex couples have EXACTLY the same problems as heterosexual couples.
 
2017-11-03 07:20:02 AM  
In other words, she's depressed at home, cheating, and happy at work.
 
2017-11-03 07:26:48 AM  

Ambivalence: It's comforting to know that same sex couples have EXACTLY the same problems as heterosexual couples.


It's actually even more common with lesbian couples. There is a actual phrase for it. Lesbian Bed Death. These relationships that then slowly lose sex over time.
 
2017-11-03 07:30:02 AM  

sithon: Ambivalence: It's comforting to know that same sex couples have EXACTLY the same problems as heterosexual couples.

It's actually even more common with lesbian couples. There is a actual phrase for it. Lesbian Bed Death. These relationships that then slowly lose sex over time.


It's not just lesbians. (sigh)
 
2017-11-03 07:30:37 AM  
And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.
 
2017-11-03 07:32:23 AM  

sithon: Ambivalence: It's comforting to know that same sex couples have EXACTLY the same problems as heterosexual couples.

It's actually even more common with lesbian couples. There is a actual phrase for it. Lesbian Bed Death. These relationships that then slowly lose sex over time.


I have to agree with you both, sithon & Ambivalence.

As I got more into supporting GLBT equality, I learned more about the GLBT community. I was surprised how much alike the GLBT & straight communities are. The biggest shock was meeting a young man's boyfriend who was the classic "bay boy" lover: a white trash, hick redneck. Eewwww.
 
2017-11-03 07:33:52 AM  
Sounds like she needs to get out of there lickety split.
 
2017-11-03 07:34:29 AM  

Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.


Oh I know. I'm in my late 40's now and sex now sometimes feels like a chore.
"I'm tired,  maybe in the morning"
 
2017-11-03 07:34:46 AM  

Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.


I wonder if root cause is really the significant other just loses interest in having sex with their partner. Broke my heart when my ex admitted she still masturbated without me around. *sigh*
 
2017-11-03 07:41:27 AM  

AirForceVet: Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.

I wonder if root cause is really the significant other just loses interest in having sex with their partner. Broke my heart when my ex admitted she still masturbated without me around. *sigh*


Why would that break your heart? You know she's just keeping her motor running for you. She's not cheating on you or anything. Why would you care if she strums the tuna?
 
2017-11-03 07:52:31 AM  
Sex that feels "naughty" or "illicit" can be more fun. Now they are another married couple. The chase is part of the fun. Made me think of this (NSFW Language):
Road Runner Finally gets caught by Wile E. Coyote Epic
Youtube bj78yCaumpc
 
2017-11-03 07:52:57 AM  
Given the conversations I've had with other lesbians (who like talking about sex with straight folks for some reason) 10 years before bed death is a pretty damn good run.

I liked the inheritance question. It's typical in-family behaviour for people with kids to use that fact to try and get special treatment.  My wife and I each have one sibling and both siblings have children while we do not. Guess who does all the traveling for any family event? Us. Guess who sleeps on a ancient pull out couch that hurts our backs despite having a guest room with a queen bed in it? Us.

On numerous occasions I've put my foot down and told my wife that until somebody visits us we aren't making any more trips because it's absurd that we are always dealing with the expense and hassle of traveling. It's only a 200km drive (both families live in the same town) but that gas cost adds up and being the only family paying it sucks. The result? We never see our families, and my wife gets guilt trips from her mother. Her mother who has a brand new vehicle that gets good mileage and is in excellent health.
 
2017-11-03 07:53:29 AM  
I thought the answer was always Butt-sex?
 
2017-11-03 08:07:12 AM  

AllYourFarkAreBelongToMe: I thought the answer was always Butt-sex?


No, no the answer is always "masturbate furiously".
 
2017-11-03 08:08:31 AM  
You were warned about the "marriage" effect.
Did you listen? Nnoooo!
 
2017-11-03 08:09:33 AM  

AllYourFarkAreBelongToMe: I thought the answer was always Butt-sex?


That's your answer for everything.

Your suggestion for my Grandmother's birthday present did not go over well.
 
2017-11-03 08:10:29 AM  

Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.


Common denominator, marriage.
Maybe is is caused by marriage.
You were warned.
 
2017-11-03 08:18:38 AM  
Start being attractive again.
 
2017-11-03 08:20:21 AM  

sithon: AllYourFarkAreBelongToMe: I thought the answer was always Butt-sex?


That's your Fark's answer for everything.

Your suggestion for my Grandmother's birthday present did not go over well.

<shrugs>
 
2017-11-03 08:25:53 AM  

sithon: Ambivalence: It's comforting to know that same sex couples have EXACTLY the same problems as heterosexual couples.

It's actually even more common with lesbian couples. There is a actual phrase for it. Lesbian Bed Death. These relationships that then slowly lose sex over time.


Lesbian Bed Death sounds like a throwback femploitation flick directed by Robert Rodriguez.
 
2017-11-03 08:36:35 AM  

AirForceVet: Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.

I wonder if root cause is really the significant other just loses interest in having sex with their partner. Broke my heart when my ex admitted she still masturbated without me around. *sigh*


This, they're not tired of sex, just sex with their partner. Russell Peters calls it onegina, a terrible condition to have, which he avoids by not being married.
 
2017-11-03 08:44:10 AM  
Well, I guess we can do this on Friday. Break into the weekend with some sarcasm, why don't we?

1) She hates her job and is stressed over the state of the world? Hell, sweetie, why didn't you say so to begin with! The rest of us LOVE our careers and think it's all going swimmingly... we'll definitely help her get back on the right path! I suggest getting an extended warranty on your Magic Wand. You're going to be wearing it the fark out. Or just have a baby with her. That's sure to bring you closer together!

2) This is why you don't date people who are farked in the head. They try to fark you in the head.

3) Get new friends. Not every friend is a lifelong friend. Sounds like this one has run its course. Get a dog. Volunteer at a shelter. Start porking the other people on the cul-de-sac. There's plenty of things (and people) to do in the suburbs. I guarantee you her life isn't all Sex and the City. Probably a little more Seinfeld but without the humor.

4) Let them fight for it. Last one standing gets it all. No holds barred. Thanksgiving's gonna be FUN this year!

5) Tell the B-word you think she's a C-word and she can kiss your wrinkly old A-word, suck your D-word, and go F-word herself. Word.

6) She may not like your girlfriends, but she'll LOVE grandchildren. Have a baby. It fixes every family problem imaginable.
 
2017-11-03 08:46:22 AM  

sithon: AirForceVet: Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.

I wonder if root cause is really the significant other just loses interest in having sex with their partner. Broke my heart when my ex admitted she still masturbated without me around. *sigh*

Why would that break your heart? You know she's just keeping her motor running for you. She's not cheating on you or anything. Why would you care if she strums the tuna?


If she'd flicking her own bean, it shows her sexual desire isn't gone. It just means she, for whatever reason, didn't want sex with the spouse. Masturbation in a relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if one is choosing to self-satisfy over taking part in sex with the spouse there's a real problem there.
 
2017-11-03 08:47:51 AM  

AirForceVet: Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.

I wonder if root cause is really the significant other just loses interest in having sex with their partner. Broke my heart when my ex admitted she still masturbated without me around. *sigh*


Man, sympathies. I've been on the other side of the equation there. Flipping the bean (I think that's what the kids call it these days) takes like 5 min. Being with someone else is so much more worth it, but also takes way longer, and isn't as... Reliable is the wrong word. It's more like I know that 5 min later, I'm done and sorted, every single time. With a partner, there's always the chance (which has almost nothing to do with their skill or attention) that it could be one of those drawn out not quite what I wanted orgasms.

I don't wanna drag politics into this, but I feel like we're all just farking exhausted all the time these days. Fewer and fewer people have the extra headspace to relax and spend good quality time with their partners. Add that to the average female sex drive, which is typically affected by weird shiat like what a co-worker said about a project that day or when the last time the bathroom tile was grouted (not a euphemism), and you've got a recipe for frustration for everyone.

Hopefully your new relationship is ticking along more productively. Or, uh, if you don't have a new relationship that you've got some absolutely stellar porn.
 
2017-11-03 08:47:57 AM  

sithon: AirForceVet: Ambivalence: And, also, it's not just women.  A lot of people think it's always the woman who loses interest in sex over time and I'm here to tell you...no.  It happens to men too.

I wonder if root cause is really the significant other just loses interest in having sex with their partner. Broke my heart when my ex admitted she still masturbated without me around. *sigh*

Why would that break your heart? You know she's just keeping her motor running for you. She's not cheating on you or anything. Why would you care if she strums the tuna?


Depends if she has name for her hand
 
2017-11-03 08:50:23 AM  

Ambivalence: It's comforting to know that same sex couples have EXACTLY the same problems as heterosexual couples.


They get old and fat, too.
 
2017-11-03 08:52:08 AM  

AirForceVet: As I got more into supporting GLBT equality, I learned more about the GLBT community.


img.fark.netView Full Size

?
 
2017-11-03 08:52:58 AM  
Monogamy is impossible.

Be a slut
 
2017-11-03 08:54:30 AM  

Egoy3k: I liked the inheritance question. It's typical in-family behaviour for people with kids to use that fact to try and get special treatment.  My wife and I each have one sibling and both siblings have children while we do not. Guess who does all the traveling for any family event? Us. Guess who sleeps on a ancient pull out couch that hurts our backs despite having a guest room with a queen bed in it? Us.

On numerous occasions I've put my foot down and told my wife that until somebody visits us we aren't making any more trips because it's absurd that we are always dealing with the expense and hassle of traveling. It's only a 200km drive (both families live in the same town) but that gas cost adds up and being the only family paying it sucks. The result? We never see our families, and my wife gets guilt trips from her mother. Her mother who has a brand new vehicle that gets good mileage and is in excellent health.


So you made a conscious life decision to have increased freedom in terms of time and travel, and now you resent the consequences of that decision because it turns out the rest of your family can do math?
 
2017-11-03 08:55:57 AM  
Once upon a time we had this sexual revolution thing going strong.
But the players settled for same sex divorces by another name.
 
2017-11-03 08:58:20 AM  
It takes a lot of effort to keep the sex going in a relationship, staying in shape, consistently showing affection, compromising, staying in shape...

Make the effort before you declare failure.  You can relax when your 70.
 
2017-11-03 08:58:40 AM  
Liquor. Lots and lots of liquor.
 
2017-11-03 09:01:27 AM  

RJReves: Liquor. Lots and lots of liquor.


that's the problem, no lick her
 
2017-11-03 09:09:55 AM  

Egoy3k


Guess who sleeps on a ancient pull out couch that hurts our backs despite having a guest room with a queen bed in it? Us.


Are you saying that when you visit [some member of the family] that you are required to sleep on the pullout when [family member] has an unoccupied guest room with a queen bed?

If you put up with that even once, that is on you.
 
2017-11-03 09:10:08 AM  

Egoy3k: Given the conversations I've had with other lesbians (who like talking about sex with straight folks for some reason) 10 years before bed death is a pretty damn good run.

I liked the inheritance question. It's typical in-family behaviour for people with kids to use that fact to try and get special treatment.  My wife and I each have one sibling and both siblings have children while we do not. Guess who does all the traveling for any family event? Us. Guess who sleeps on a ancient pull out couch that hurts our backs despite having a guest room with a queen bed in it? Us.

On numerous occasions I've put my foot down and told my wife that until somebody visits us we aren't making any more trips because it's absurd that we are always dealing with the expense and hassle of traveling. It's only a 200km drive (both families live in the same town) but that gas cost adds up and being the only family paying it sucks. The result? We never see our families, and my wife gets guilt trips from her mother. Her mother who has a brand new vehicle that gets good mileage and is in excellent health.


Same thing happens with my husband and I and there aren't any grandkids involved. We're only 80km away and it's still a hassle with traffic, even on the weekend thanks to all the new developments along the highway.

We ended up making peace with the fact that they just won't bother visiting us ever and we'll always be the ones making the effort. Fighting inertia and "well your the one that moved away" is super difficult.

/Last weekend we drove an hour, to spend 2 hours, at brother-in-laws "gender reveal" before we had to head back home for work and a charity function
//Would have caught grandma-to-be-zilla hell and hormonal preggo hell if we didn't go
///Fark gender reveals
////I am over 1000 miles away from my parents by design
 
2017-11-03 09:14:46 AM  
Trim your fingernails.
 
2017-11-03 09:42:25 AM  
You gay people couldn't wait to be allowed to get married.

We tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen.
 
2017-11-03 09:52:55 AM  
Friday Prudie here we go!

1) I don't know what you're complaining about, that sounds like a perfectly normal, heterosexual marriage to me.  Have you tried adopting kids?  With an anchor child it will make it harder for the partner to leave the situation.

2) I think Prudie got a bag of letters intended for Penthouse forums at this point.  I'm not sure how to convert this to British-English, so please let me off the hook if it doesn't translate: Get Hammered and bone someone else.  Rinse and Repeat until you find someone that satisfies you.  Also, send dick pics of all your conquests to the ex.  Hey, he was cheering you on, he obviously wants to see what action you're getting.

3) This ALMOST had potential as another Penthouse letter, maybe Prudie walked to their offices and grabbed what was on the cutting room floor.  You count on your friends online, but you can clearly strike the "s" from that sentence.  You should shutter the windows and double-down on being an introvert avoiding the sun and other people.  Build an insulated fort out of the Dominos boxes that pile up in your house as you avoid leaving home at all costs.  Get some cats, but don't adopt them from the local shelter, put out a bowl of milk and "adopt" whomever comes to your house.  Amazon ships catfood.  Now you have friends and family IRL.

4) Mmmhmm, mmmhmmm.  Traditionally, and this is true amongst all my friends growing up from grade school through college, if a grandparent had money or was rich to a kid, they would ALWAYS chince out on gifts to teach them the value of hard work for money or some other bullcrap.  Best advice: Go out and buy 5 new sports cards and CUSTOMIZE them.  Then give each child a new car, keeping one for yourself.  If you don't spend all your money on them, you didn't add enough customization.  This way, everybody gets a fair share.

5) Cupcake?  She called you Cupcake when drunk?  Akula can correct me if I'm wrong here, but the appropriate response is two-fold.  If you see her in person, lift a middle finger while saying "Sit and Spin", unsolicited.  Otherwise, send her a nice care package of a dildo with a note that reads "So you can go f*ck yourself".  She'll get  the message.

6) You have truly put the "p*ssy on the pedastol" here kid.  Get laid and move on with relationships.  Your mommy does not need to aprove of the girl you are seeing and her parent's don't need to approve of you.  The fact that you are worried about christian denominations is unsettling as well, it means that you aren't Catholic (Who, let's face it cafeteria Catholics don't ever call things denominations they just say catholic and protestant and leave it at that while ultra-Catholics that attend Latin mass consider you either a Real Catholic or a sinner) and you aren't an Episcopalian (Who really just call themselves christian and leave it at that) or baptist (Who wear that like a badge of honor) or non-denomination (Who also call themselves christian).  You are an evangelical, possibly quiverfull, christian.  She probably didn't like your last girlfriend because she had the audacity to wear shoes and leave the kitchen, talked out of turn, and had plans on being something other than a baby-factory.  Kid, get the FARK out of that situation, move to a city and get laid.  It will solve most of the problems in this letter.

Was that it?  Did I miss one, or something?  You know what, maybe this is the Boobiesers problem.  One party got all reared and ready to go for a marathon, but was left feeling short.  Damn, this letter needed to come out before Halloween and I could have used a poltergasm reference.
 
2017-11-03 09:58:36 AM  

akula: 5) Tell the B-word you think she's a C-word and she can kiss your wrinkly old A-word, suck your D-word, and go F-word herself. Word.


I don't know if you ever watch it, but there is a cartoon show called "Teen Titans Go!".  My kids absolutely love it.  There is an animated bat-a-rang (Robins weapon with an advanced chip inserted) that adds "word" onto everything.  Word.  When I read this reply, I read it in the voice of the bat-a-rang.
 
2017-11-03 10:27:17 AM  

tdyak: akula: 5) Tell the B-word you think she's a C-word and she can kiss your wrinkly old A-word, suck your D-word, and go F-word herself. Word.

I don't know if you ever watch it, but there is a cartoon show called "Teen Titans Go!".  My kids absolutely love it.  There is an animated bat-a-rang (Robins weapon with an advanced chip inserted) that adds "word" onto everything.  Word.  When I read this reply, I read it in the voice of the bat-a-rang.


And now I do as well. Word.
 
2017-11-03 10:32:34 AM  

Englebert Slaptyback: Egoy3k

Guess who sleeps on a ancient pull out couch that hurts our backs despite having a guest room with a queen bed in it? Us.


Are you saying that when you visit [some member of the family] that you are required to sleep on the pullout when [family member] has an unoccupied guest room with a queen bed?

If you put up with that even once, that is on you.


No I'm saying I have an unoccupied guest room with a queen bed, but it never gets used because they don't visit but guilt my wife into visiting them.

This text is now purple: So you made a conscious life decision to have increased freedom in terms of time and travel, and now you resent the consequences of that decision because it turns out the rest of your family can do math?


First of all we haven't decided not to have kids we are having issues conceiving, second of all the children are not a barrier, they are an excuse to burden my wife and I with the hassle and expense. They have made the short trip a few times over the years without any major issue. They are selfish people who use their children as an excuse to avoid doing things they don't want to do but have no issues requesting that we do the same things.
 
2017-11-03 10:34:23 AM  

sithon: AllYourFarkAreBelongToMe: I thought the answer was always Butt-sex?

That's your answer for everything.

Your suggestion for my Grandmother's birthday present did not go over well.


The Buttplug Game
Youtube mugDPcaycPU



Grandma, you spinned  Double Penetration!!
/ definitely nsfw!
 
2017-11-03 10:40:47 AM  

Big Beef Burrito: tdyak: akula: 5) Tell the B-word you think she's a C-word and she can kiss your wrinkly old A-word, suck your D-word, and go F-word herself. Word.

I don't know if you ever watch it, but there is a cartoon show called "Teen Titans Go!".  My kids absolutely love it.  There is an animated bat-a-rang (Robins weapon with an advanced chip inserted) that adds "word" onto everything.  Word.  When I read this reply, I read it in the voice of the bat-a-rang.

And now I do as well. Word.


if you don't add "..is bond" it does NOT work
 
2017-11-03 10:56:39 AM  
You're married. You're older. Get used to it.
 
2017-11-03 11:15:29 AM  

Egoy3k


No I'm saying I have an unoccupied guest room with a queen bed, but it never gets used because they don't visit but guilt my wife into visiting them.


Okay, that makes a little more sense. The original was kind of ambiguous.

Having experienced something similar, I suspect the rest of the family figure it's easier for the two of you to go see all of them than it is for all of them to go see you. And they're probably right: apparently traveling with small kids requires immense amounts of cargo. (I dunno how old the in-laws' kids are.)

125 miles isn't far at all. Have you tried just making day trips so you don't have to sleep on the couch?
 
2017-11-03 12:10:09 PM  

Englebert Slaptyback: Egoy3k

No I'm saying I have an unoccupied guest room with a queen bed, but it never gets used because they don't visit but guilt my wife into visiting them.


Okay, that makes a little more sense. The original was kind of ambiguous.

Having experienced something similar, I suspect the rest of the family figure it's easier for the two of you to go see all of them than it is for all of them to go see you. And they're probably right: apparently traveling with small kids requires immense amounts of cargo. (I dunno how old the in-laws' kids are.)

125 miles isn't far at all. Have you tried just making day trips so you don't have to sleep on the couch?


Yes we often make day trips, the pull out bed was just another in the list of annoyances.

Being easier for us doesn't change that it is unfair that we are always the ones bearing the expense and hassle of the trip and often at the urging of the ones who never do so.  It's not like we are expecting a tit for tat 1:1 relationship between number of trips we make and number of visits we receive.

Let me put it this way, one or both of us goes to visit at least once a month but on the extremely rare occasions they do visit they need directions even though we have been living here for 8 years and in the case of parents there are no young kids to worry about.

This is just typical small town country folk resenting that their kids moved away to find work and wanting no part of their new life. They want us to exist as part of their lives only.
 
2017-11-03 12:12:11 PM  
Clip your lingual frenulum
 
2017-11-03 12:25:16 PM  

tdyak: Friday Prudie here we go!

1) I don't know what you're complaining about, that sounds like a perfectly normal, heterosexual marriage to me.  Have you tried adopting kids?  With an anchor child it will make it harder for the partner to leave the situation....


Many same-sex couples (and their advocates) believe that their marriages are immune to the problems every other marriage in history has faced because... well, I don't know why they think so, but they do.

As for the child [SPOILER ALERT] the last and next episodes of Supergirl have some insight on the potential future of this relationship [SPOILER STOPS]
 
2017-11-03 12:46:12 PM  

Egoy3k


This is just typical small town country folk resenting that their kids moved away to find work and wanting no part of their new life. They want us to exist as part of their lives only.


Ah. From what I've seen that doesn't go away.

I mean it does eventually, but with luck you'll have some time with them before that happens.
 
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