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(Springfield News-Sun)   88-year-old man tells police 1-eyed woman stole his wallet after oral sex   ( springfieldnewssun.com) divider line
    More: Facepalm, 88-year-old Springfield man, Springfield Police Division, Springfield woman, Human sexual behavior, Street, Springfield churches unite, Sexual intercourse, Criminal law  
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2343 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jun 2017 at 4:30 PM (47 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

71 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2017-06-22 03:33:02 PM  
He should have guessed something was up when she was talking to him the whole time.
2017-06-22 03:33:51 PM  
Don't care.
Had sex.
2017-06-22 03:54:38 PM  
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple wallet stealer
2017-06-22 04:00:48 PM  
Oldest excuse in the books.
2017-06-22 04:16:04 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 04:16:46 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size

"I don't care!"
2017-06-22 04:20:39 PM  
Good thing wallets are cheap
2017-06-22 04:21:16 PM  
One eyed trouser snake?
2017-06-22 04:31:26 PM  
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
2017-06-22 04:31:57 PM  
Twin Peaksgot weird in a hurry.
2017-06-22 04:32:06 PM  
So they're even?
2017-06-22 04:32:27 PM  
I think that's called 'marriage'.
2017-06-22 04:34:40 PM  
One-eyed woman wrestles one-eyed snake. Film at 11.
2017-06-22 04:34:55 PM  

i.dailymail.co.ukView Full Size
2017-06-22 04:34:57 PM  

mjjt: One eyed trouser snake?

An eye for an eye?
2017-06-22 04:35:45 PM  

Flappyhead: He should have guessed something was up when she was talking to him the whole time.

Aaaaaaaaand I'll get the lights.
2017-06-22 04:36:13 PM  
The elderly gentleman was robbed by a hooker
She was described as having one-eye.
He was described as being atey-ate.
2017-06-22 04:36:27 PM  


[i.dailymail.co.uk image 306x458]

Good god, KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!
2017-06-22 04:37:18 PM  
Fortunately she left her dentures behind.
2017-06-22 04:38:09 PM  
She only had one eye?
Grandpa's a novice.
what about the brown one?
2017-06-22 04:38:41 PM  
"Would I?!"

"Well fark you, you hairlip bastard!"
2017-06-22 04:40:03 PM  
Actually there are 3 of them but only one can use the eye at a time.

img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 04:40:03 PM  
She was a one eyed, forlorn, thieving tiny penis eater!
2017-06-22 04:41:52 PM  
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy tops.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'no' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.
2017-06-22 04:42:27 PM  
they'll be sure to keep an eye out for her.
2017-06-22 04:42:42 PM  
Third time this week too. Luckily he can get them at the dollar store.
2017-06-22 04:43:03 PM  
1-eyed woman [...] after oral sex

img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 04:43:30 PM  
goddamnitso much.
"...several transactions..."
Get the film and pick her THE FARK up!

What if this was you? You're 88 and want a last beej before you die or have your balls cut off because of prostate cancer--and she rips you off?
2017-06-22 04:44:25 PM  
You shouldn't try that shiat on Pai Mei...

img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 04:45:29 PM  


[i.dailymail.co.uk image 306x458]

It's the zombie apocalypse!  Yikes, poor woman.
2017-06-22 04:46:02 PM  
Sorry to see Leela reduced to this, but she hadn't worked since Futurama ended.
2017-06-22 04:48:15 PM  

skinink: She was a one eyed, forlorn, thieving tiny penis eater!

2017-06-22 04:48:29 PM  
If a woman is able to get me off when I'm 88 years old, then she deserves my wallet for the accomplishment.

/Half that age, and already having trouble rising to the occasion
2017-06-22 04:48:36 PM  
Reminds me of a rhyme....

Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie
jerked off in his girlfriends eye
when that eye was good and shut
Georgie farked that one eyed slut

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.comView Full Size

Mother goose, remember her?

I farked her.. OH!
2017-06-22 04:51:59 PM  
Ep c thread is epic.
2017-06-22 04:53:02 PM  
Always keep your eye on the ball.
2017-06-22 04:55:34 PM  
Don't be fooled by the fake pics of the perp. This is from the PD's official site:

img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 04:58:41 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size

Wasn't me.
2017-06-22 04:59:56 PM  

MBooda: 1-eyed woman [...] after oral sex

[img.fark.net image 600x786]

He forgot the 'boop.'

img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 05:02:22 PM  
s15-us2.ixquick.comView Full Size
2017-06-22 05:04:57 PM  
I'm like, a one-eyed cat, slurping on a seafood storage hose.

- Misheard lyric for Shake, Rattle And Roll
2017-06-22 05:04:59 PM  
9:30 am blowjob?

Early bird gets  the worm!
2017-06-22 05:06:58 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size

/In the land of the blind, the one-eyed slut is queen.
2017-06-22 05:08:35 PM  
He's telling everyone.
2017-06-22 05:09:04 PM  
He shoulda asked for a handjob instead
img.fark.netView Full Size
2017-06-22 05:11:02 PM  
If Kleptooculophilia is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
2017-06-22 05:11:26 PM  
cdn.meme.amView Full Size
2017-06-22 05:12:58 PM  
don't bury your face so far into a woman's crotch while giving her oral sex next time old man you don't know what is going on in the room.
2017-06-22 05:25:50 PM  
Live From Congress-The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007
Youtube Btw1eh4mitQ

2017-06-22 05:28:17 PM  
Damn, i know mid-week, day strippers are less than top shelf but damn,  one-eye hookers?   Wow!
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