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(Boston Globe)   First monkey college opens. Expect students to riot after Banana Bowl   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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5083 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 May 2004 at 12:37 AM (18 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook

59 Comments     (+0 »)

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2004-05-20 12:09:25 AM  
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2004-05-20 12:39:30 AM  
damn wanted Boobies
2004-05-20 12:40:13 AM  
or Boobies
2004-05-20 12:42:19 AM  
2004-05-20 12:43:12 AM  
Thats a Monkey University? I hope the reason i was not accepted was because im human.
2004-05-20 12:43:41 AM  

frontierpsychiatry- beat me to it
2004-05-20 12:43:49 AM  
Damn monkey physics...

Good job lando
2004-05-20 12:43:55 AM  
Oh boy... now PETA will show up, drenching themselves in red paint.
2004-05-20 12:44:43 AM  
That would explain freshman orientation...

/ooh ahh!! ooh ooh ah ahhhh!!! AHHH!!!
2004-05-20 12:45:24 AM  
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2004-05-20 12:46:59 AM  
Farnsworth: "But, what about your super-intelligence?"
Gunther: "When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!"
Farnsworth: "Noooooooooo!"

2004-05-20 12:51:05 AM  
I want a pet monkey who will do everything for me.

Ok, it would be a slave monkey...but it would still be damn cool.
2004-05-20 12:51:28 AM  
Anyone else think of the "Bathroom Monkey" skit on Saturday Night Live?
2004-05-20 12:55:20 AM  
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Farnsworth: "Come on, Gunther. Take the hat!"
Fry: "No, the banana! The banana!"
Farnsworth: "Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the ..."
Fry: "Banana! Banana! Banana!"
2004-05-20 12:55:59 AM  
yay monkeys !!!!!
2004-05-20 12:58:05 AM  
"It's very, very difficult living one day at a time and the release that a monkey can give to an individual is just immense,"

Ummm... What? Sometimes when I spank my monkey there is an immense release.

/Professional Asshat
2004-05-20 1:00:43 AM  
Nymme: You know, that was the first thing I thought of, too. But I didn't feel like getting monkey shiat thrown at me. Better put on your protective clothing...
2004-05-20 1:00:58 AM  
the release that a monkey can give to an individual is just immense

2004-05-20 1:03:06 AM  
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2004-05-20 1:18:41 AM  
I hope they have a million typewriters available.
2004-05-20 1:28:33 AM  
Jack's Kitchen
I hope they have a million typewriters available.
Damn you beat me, but mine was going to be

"Shakespeare Surrenders"

2004-05-20 1:32:59 AM  
Hey I took Feces Flinging 101 back in the 80's when I was in college. I only got a C+.
2004-05-20 1:48:18 AM  
The moderators let this crappy "bannana bowl" submission in but they will never approve my Gay Mcnutt submissions.

She really does exist....and she coaches womens softball.

/McMullett jokes for everyone
2004-05-20 1:52:21 AM  
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2004-05-20 1:56:11 AM
2004-05-20 2:06:03 AM  
Hey, monkeys are people too!!!11!111
2004-05-20 2:07:44 AM  
damn lando
quick on the draw.
2004-05-20 2:11:38 AM  
I'm already enrolled in the SEX APE's internet course.

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2004-05-20 2:25:24 AM  
HoodCrowd: "The moderators let this crappy "bannana bowl" submission in but they will never approve my Gay Mcnutt submissions."

Hey, read the article, you might be it interested. At Monkey College, you'll probably learn how to spell "banana." Check it out.
2004-05-20 2:35:35 AM  
"At the end of a long day, the student simians relax by watching the Food Network, newscasts, cartoons and even at times wildlife network Animal Planet "although it's very scary to some of them," said Judi Zazula, executive director of Helping Hands."

Must be Fox News cuz that Bill O'Reily scares the monkey-shiat outta me too!
just saying
2004-05-20 2:46:49 AM  
Chimps in hard hats
Chimps in jack boots
Chimps in togas
Chimps in Cap and Gown

Sounds like a Chimp PhotoShop contest to me...

Sorry for my singing. I heard it at dinner.
2004-05-20 3:16:18 AM  
All joking aside (what?...joking in fark?), this looks like a great idea. Everybody from Hawking to Superman should have a monkey helper.
2004-05-20 3:18:13 AM  
Cab't wait for the first monkey fraternity.

And the first monkey fraternity stripper-rape scandal.
2004-05-20 4:01:34 AM  
While helper monkeys are a good idea in theory, things really don't work out that well in practice. The major flaw is that they really like to discriminate when giving out helper monkeys. Instead of giving helper monkeys to people with "legitimate" handicaps, they should be giving them to legitimately lazy people such as myself! Giving them ONLY to quadrapalegics is an atrocity if I've ever seen one! I ask you, where are the helper monkeys for all the clinically lazy farkers? You know those times when you have to scratch your ass but you're just to lazy to do it? A helper monkey that was trained to scratch various body parts would be life saving! Hell, how many of us lazy people have ever been watching TV, wanted to change the channel, but come to the terrifying realization that the remote was missing? What a perfect opporunity it would be to try out your helper monkey training powers: desperately trying to get the monkey to scurry over to the TV and randomly mash at buttons until it finds the channel up/down ones. Additionally, if given to lazy people, the monkeys could help said people participate in flame wars on fark... Come to think of it, I'm willing to bet that 90% of all those who participate in those flame wars are probably monkeys to begin with. So kindly disregard that last example.
Anyways, in conclusion to my rambling, half insane, incredibly disjointed diatribe, where's my damn helper monkey?! My pets don't help, they just eat and poop. That's my job! Lazy job-stealing jerks.

/this message was sponsored by the fine people at HeMFELAP (Helper Monkeys For Extremely Lazy Ass People).
2004-05-20 4:30:44 AM  
Sounds like an excellent market niche, 12monkeys, go for it. Keep the prices low and you might even nail the low-hanging fruit in the semi-lazy category.

Yes, I've known too many marketing weasels.

Otherwise folks, this is a cool story, should be a cool tag. I know the need to make a smart-ass response is near pathological, but still stop for five seconds and think about the fact that this facility and these people are going to make some other folks' lives, which are very, very difficult, quite a bit better.

/I, for one, would welcome our new Happy News overlords
2004-05-20 6:11:36 AM  
12monkeys: Yeah, but those heavily discounted monkey diploma mills that pop up to fill the high demand are going to be a biatch.
2004-05-20 6:27:38 AM  
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Is this the future of man? Robots or monkeys, you decide!
2004-05-20 8:24:01 AM  
Who changes the monkey's diapers if they belong to a quadriplegic?

I also thought of SNL's Bathroom Monkey sketch:"Monkey no like clean"
2004-05-20 8:29:11 AM  
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2004-05-20 8:57:05 AM  
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2004-05-20 9:11:34 AM  
This is where my fiancee works. I'm not kidding.
2004-05-20 9:28:43 AM  
HangMan Does she get to bring home helper monkeys? I think that would be cool.
2004-05-20 9:58:12 AM  
Yes, all the time. She's actually the woman who's quoted at the end--she's the placement trainer, so she travels all over the country fitting monkeys with their recipients. We have monkeys at our place all the time. I actually broke my neck a few years ago and escaped paralysis... almost wound up with a monk of my own. That semester I was in class with Travis Roy... had some great chats with him. Helping Hands is unbelievable--so glad it made teh fark!
2004-05-20 10:12:20 AM  
My monkey makes a mean Martini.
Here is a recipe for a Pink Monkey:
3/4 oz Jacquins strawberry liqueur
3/4 oz Jacquins banana liqueur
3/4 cup fresh strawberries
1/2 banana
1 cup crushed ice
1 scoop strawberry ice cream

Blend ingredients together and serve in a napoli glass topped with whipped cream and a strawberry.
2004-05-20 10:21:00 AM  
Any office romance issues? Just asking, no insult intended.

Did they name any of the monkeys Ceaser?

Is this guy the Dean?
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2004-05-20 10:57:57 AM  
You know, no matter what it is, if you put monkeys in it it makes it funnier.
2004-05-20 10:59:13 AM  
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times!

Stupid Monkey
2004-05-20 11:12:17 AM  
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2004-05-20 11:14:14 AM  
Shabu... he's not the dean, he's the provost. It's mostly women that work there... but there are certainly some monkeys that get crushes on other monkeys. They're like people--some like to be left alone, others share cages and groom each other all day. They're awesome. And they love watching the news... quite often, they flirt with the newscasters. So funny.
2004-05-20 11:28:32 AM  
Hehe, monkeys.
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