While helper monkeys are a good idea in theory, things really don't work out that well in practice. The major flaw is that they really like to discriminate when giving out helper monkeys. Instead of giving helper monkeys to people with "legitimate" handicaps, they should be giving them to legitimately lazy people such as myself! Giving them ONLY to quadrapalegics is an atrocity if I've ever seen one! I ask you, where are the helper monkeys for all the clinically lazy farkers? You know those times when you have to scratch your ass but you're just to lazy to do it? A helper monkey that was trained to scratch various body parts would be life saving! Hell, how many of us lazy people have ever been watching TV, wanted to change the channel, but come to the terrifying realization that the remote was missing? What a perfect opporunity it would be to try out your helper monkey training powers: desperately trying to get the monkey to scurry over to the TV and randomly mash at buttons until it finds the channel up/down ones. Additionally, if given to lazy people, the monkeys could help said people participate in flame wars on fark... Come to think of it, I'm willing to bet that 90% of all those who participate in those flame wars are probably monkeys to begin with. So kindly disregard that last example.
Anyways, in conclusion to my rambling, half insane, incredibly disjointed diatribe, where's my damn helper monkey?! My pets don't help, they just eat and poop. That's my job! Lazy job-stealing jerks.

/this message was sponsored by the fine people at HeMFELAP (Helper Monkeys For Extremely Lazy Ass People).