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(Some Guy)   How to tweak a ford taurus   ( divider line
    More: Amusing  
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8360 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Dec 2001 at 1:20 AM (18 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook

65 Comments     (+0 »)

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2001-12-29 1:22:39 AM  
2001-12-29 1:25:40 AM  
haha, this made me laugh (not out loud though)

I went through four of those cars in highshool
only 50% of them were Ford's fault though (transmission)

They're not bad cars, really, you just have to get used to the idea that in eight or ten months you will be walking away from your car, which you have just abandoned on the freeway. Hey at least they're cheap, and made in the USA. Which is probably the same thing....
2001-12-29 1:25:42 AM  
Woah! Everytime ya rev that thing it will sound like Godzilla farted.
2001-12-29 1:25:47 AM  
That's pronounced, "Snore-us".
2001-12-29 1:25:59 AM  
This is funny if you actually read the entire thing.
2001-12-29 1:32:03 AM  
The easiest way to "tweak" a Ford Taurus is what I call the "drive into wall at 60 mph" method. Its quite hard to get used to it, but after 10 tries you get the hang of it. And believe me, I enjoy my Taurus much more now.
2001-12-29 1:34:29 AM  
You know, I TRIED to read the whole thing, I really did. I'm very new to the internet and I end up in places like this Taurus-geek thing and I get so farking fascinated with the person creating it. But for God's sake!!
2001-12-29 1:35:14 AM  
How to tweak a taurus: Drive it to the used car lot, sell it, buy a new car (hereafter refered to as: preassembled collection of after-market taurus parts). However, before doing that remove the plastic "Taurus" insignias and replace the insignias on your new preassembled collection of after-market taurus parts with the taurus insignias.

Suggested preassembled collection of after-market taurus part combinations: Ford mustang (pre 1976) chevy camaro (pre 1976) wood paneled station wagon

--Gizmo, new camaros and mustangs stink like poo poo
2001-12-29 1:36:14 AM  
Why is better then how.
2001-12-29 1:43:43 AM  
I hate Fords! See why?
[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 1:44:57 AM  
My god, I'm pretty sure I followed these guys on the road today.

This reminds me of old ads for some "high-tech" spark plug wires that made outrages claims - super high current sparks, etc. etc. etc. Eventually someone pointed out that these wires couldn't possible *generate* energy - laws of physics and all - and the figures quoted far exceeded the total electrical energy potential of the battery and charging system combined. Not to mention a few of these "wonder sparks" would vaporize a sparkplug instantly.
2001-12-29 1:54:21 AM  
The coolest 'tweak' I ever made in a car was what I did to my first car, a 1970 Chevy Monte Carlo.

I carefully mounted a whiskey bottle under the hood. Then I re-routed the windshield washer hose so that it would pump da whiskey, instead of the fluid. Then I ran the outlet hose through the firewall and into the car from under the dash. Cocktails for all!!

Didn't make the car any faster, but after a couple of miles, who cared?
2001-12-29 2:00:44 AM  
Sock_Monkee: The best car you will ever own, is your first one. Cherish it. And I'm serious here, take a few pictures of it. Years from now, when you get older, you'll pull out those pics and smile. I guarantee. If Granny changed the oil in that thing, you'll be cruising for a long while. Be careful.
2001-12-29 2:06:29 AM  
Sock_Monkee, that '86 will fall appart after 6 months of your 16 year old butt driving it. Enjoy it - but do change the oil every 2k miles. I rolled my first one, with four of my friends crammed inside. Hit a potatoe field (mud) in a storm going 110. Best night of that year. Those mailboxes - FKSHK! - like matchsticks.
2001-12-29 2:07:12 AM  
Bigpeeler: How'd you get to be so sweet?
2001-12-29 2:09:25 AM  
Now, here's a customized car -

[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 2:16:16 AM  
This is my idea of a customized vehicle;
President Bush's New Limousine for the Crawford Ranch

[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 2:26:27 AM  
Awesome!!!!.....but I'm using a Folgers tin on mine....maybe some flames too....
2001-12-29 2:41:42 AM  
Ford Taurus cars are great!

Just don't forget to change the water pump every 3 months!
2001-12-29 2:42:51 AM  
Hytes Xian: From years of being 'not sweet'. I am older than most if not all in here. I have led a very, very hard life (biker, 3 marriages, a couple of kids, fights, jail, booze, more biker crap, etc).

After a couple of decades of that, something just sort of snapped metaphysically and I started seeing things with a bit more perspective. I'm one of those 'gentle giants'. 6'3", 285 lbs, shaved head, quiet. I used to bounce at a pool hall nearby and there, I saw more crap go down than I care to mention. Life's way too short.

When he started talking about his first car, suddenly, BAM!! I was there. You only go around once so you really need to make as many cool memories as you can. Take pictures, write stuff down. Stories, Poetry. Notes. And showboxes are cheap so grab one and start filling it. You'll thank me 10 years from now.

Sorry about getting so philosophical. I've had way too much Watermelon Pucker tonight. Wheeeeee.
2001-12-29 2:57:59 AM  
Bigpeeler: No apologies, please. It's refreshing.
I just identified with your video 10 earlier, then was, ahem, touched with your advice to the Sockmonkey. I'm an old fart myself, with quite a few scars from the road. Keep up the good work. I used to throw Gummo Parties at the half-way house, btw.
2001-12-29 2:59:50 AM  
Site was ripped from another "Riceboy" page that's been out 6 months or so.. :(
2001-12-29 3:03:35 AM  
"Paint your headlights black. Not being able to see at night is cool"
2001-12-29 3:24:46 AM  
Wow. Gummo parties. I think I have me a new hero. Really. That is just so, poignant and at the same time, eerie. I love it.
2001-12-29 3:32:08 AM  
The coolest thing about those parties? The veterans howling and laughing and watching the Gummo virgins with their mouths open, eyes wide with fear.
The 2nd coolest thing? Half the audience would be long gone before the pizza arrived.
2001-12-29 3:39:25 AM  
Wow. I'll bet that fried their little gourds. Gummo isn't for everyone, that's for sure.

[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 3:47:26 AM  
Wow! Thanks! That's the best Xmas present I've got yet!
2001-12-29 3:53:02 AM  
haha peeler. Your a gentle giant who used to bounce and your a hardcore biker...and your getting blitzed off Watermelon Pucker? Just an odd pairing..

And, while posting on this thread again, the best car ever...
[image from too old to be available][image from too old to be available]

--Gizmo, drives a damn 4 door camry...what a hypocrit
2001-12-29 4:12:43 AM  
[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 4:13:10 AM  
My ex-wife drove a Taurus. God oh mighty dayum that's the 2nd worst car I ever had (1st being an Eagle Premier...anybody heard of that? I didn't think so)...gimme jap cars now.
2001-12-29 4:14:00 AM  
That visage is quite simply, one of the most haunting things I've seen in a long time.
2001-12-29 4:20:58 AM  
Hurtcow: I have indeed heard of and yes, even driven an Eagle Premier. My friend actually owned 2 once. One literally came apart piece by piece. Fender. Wheel cover. Right rear window. Etc. Piece of crap.
2001-12-29 4:22:02 AM  
Dude! Was that not the best scene ever? Motherly love like none other. I am laughing way too hard. The other day I took a bath and the water was Gummo grey and I started thinking about those little candy-sellers with their big dreams and the candy bar dropping in the water...I love you, Bigpeeler
2001-12-29 4:30:53 AM  
BP- that image is gonna give me nightmares.....
2001-12-29 5:58:21 AM  
Please enlighten those of us not old enough / native to America what exactly Gummo is and why there would be parties thrown for / around it. And why 'Gummo virgins' would have "their mouths open, eyes wide with fear".

It sounds interesting. 9)
2001-12-29 6:55:19 AM  
i drive a '91 taurus with 170k miles on it. anyone ever noticed that taurus's age really really badly. all of 'em look so fugly. i fear the day that it's gonna fall apart right on a houston freeway.
2001-12-29 7:08:22 AM  
Martin: I'm guessing it's a movie, a movie we've been shown snapshots from. And a cult classic of sorts (a la rocky horror picture show, or attack of the killer tomatos) where they show viewings of it. The "virgins" would be the ones seeing it for the firs time, and their mouths are open due to shock. This is all speculation, I have no real idea.

(upon investigation, i find myself to be correct.)

--Gizmo, not gummo...gizmo
2001-12-29 7:09:28 AM  
Wow, i farked up that html tag.
[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 7:29:03 AM  
they usually show Gummo on IFC like once a month

I haven't actually watched the whole thing all the way through - I was p;robably doing something else and didn't pay enough attention to get into it, because all I remember are these kids running around some blasted landscape smashing things, and some kid talking about killing cats with glass.

well damn, now I'll have to rent it...
2001-12-29 9:22:09 AM  
Massive 3.0L V6? This guy must have forgot to flip up the magnifying glass he needs to take a pee.
2001-12-29 12:24:05 PM  
Now, I wouldn't say that all Tauruses are bad. I've driven an SHO, and lets just say it's not your grandmother's Taurus. Triple digit speeds were not a problem.
2001-12-29 12:38:07 PM  
But its a Ford Taurus? You'll still look like that kid from Road Trip driving one half the time.

Its almost as bad as those people that put rims and stereo systems in a Geo or a Nissan or one of those stupid Low Rider trucks.

I drive a minivan for christ sakes and its all I'll have till I graduate college but when these people spend no money on an engine and you beat the pants off of one of these kids one day drag racing in a minivan its pathetic. (I was bored and this kid pissed me off).

I'm saving up for a real sports car or whatever I have it'll have a decent engine.

I think thats the first thing you should spend money on, not a stereo system or rims that are so ugly you make Fb- wet his pants.

A Geo is still a Geo, racing stripes, rims, or no.
2001-12-29 12:43:50 PM  
How can there be "old hats" and "virgins" to a movie thats only 4 years old? Hmm. Doesn't seem like that's really long enough for a flick to achieve "cult" status.

Ah for my 1968 Ford Torino. Solid grey primer. HUGE back seat. Wish I had some pictures. *sigh*
2001-12-29 12:53:19 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 12:57:51 PM  
Valkhorn -- I agree, you still look really silly going 120 in an SHO, but who cares. It wasn't my car, so I certainly don't. I can relate to the minivan episode, though. I used to have a Chevy Lumina APV (the funniest looking minivan ever created) and it was very easy to go to fast. I now have a Ford Expedition, which adds a different type of shock value. Most people wonder how something that big can accelerate so easily. I guess that's what the 5.4L V8 is for, at least when I'm not towing a 6,000 pound trailer.
2001-12-29 2:39:23 PM  
The Eagle Premier was a well-engineered but unfortunately compromised swan song for American Motors. Jointly developed between Kenosha and the Renault brain trust and set up in a brand-spanking-new plant in Bramlea, Ontario, the first cars (badged as Renault Premiers) had just rolled off the line when Chrysler made its slash-and-burn buyout of AMC (wanting only Jeep's successful Cherokee). As part of the buyout, Chrysler had to agree to build X amount of Premiers (even selling a few as Dodge Monacos), but generally Chrysler had little to no interest in selling the cars having just introduced the Dodge Dynasty.

However, and this is an interesting tidbit, the groundbreaking LH-platform cars weren't based off K-car engineering, and despite being billed as "clean-sheet" design, share a lot in terms of engine layout and suspension with the Premier.
2001-12-29 3:17:20 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2001-12-29 4:03:13 PM  
Bagu: thanks
2001-12-29 4:17:30 PM  
reminds me too much of Something Awful's guide to making cars better...or something.
2001-12-29 4:27:53 PM  
I drive a Taurus. Its shiat. Its known everywhere as the "CliTaurus".

I drive the original ClitTaurus. I am proud.
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