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(IOL)   Prize awarded for the year's worst fictional description of the sexual act (safe for work)   ( iol.co.za) divider line
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12343 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Dec 2001 at 1:41 PM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

48 Comments     (+0 »)
2001-12-10 01:45:57 PM  
what a pile of shiat.
I submitted this a week ago from the BBC.
Favouritist bollocks.
2001-12-10 01:48:15 PM  
looks like the site is already farked.
2001-12-10 01:51:10 PM  
Looks like it's time to pull the Beef Bus into Tuna Town.
2001-12-10 01:51:22 PM  
2001-12-10 01:53:44 PM  
its farked.
2001-12-10 01:54:18 PM  
"A steamy excerpt from Christopher Hart's second novel, "Rescue Me", topped all comers to win the ninth annual Literary Review prize for the year's worst fictional description of the sexual act"

2001-12-10 01:54:27 PM  
Vinylgrooves: Who DIDN'T submit this site?
2001-12-10 01:57:55 PM  
I bet the queen didn't.

I had a better headline as well.
Can't remember what it was but I know it was better.
2001-12-10 01:59:19 PM  
Last years winner: "Aiwa, aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh"
2001-12-10 02:05:47 PM  
Dear TeenHealthFX,

I wanted to know what it was called if you tried to have sex with a tree?

Signed: Sex With A Tree

----------------------------------------------------------------------​-------- --

Dear Sex With A Tree:

Sexual pleasures and gratification derived from unusual sources are commonly referred to as Philias. Sexual pleasure from a tree is sometimes called arborphilia.

TeenHealthFX would like to.................never mind.

Signed: TeenHealthFX
2001-12-10 02:07:38 PM  
metaphor is overrated
2001-12-10 02:14:37 PM  
Because the site keeps getting farked, here is the exerpt from the crappy novel:

"Her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole... Ever northward moves her hand, while she smiles languorously at my right ear. And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror - she will surely want to pitch her tent".

"It stinks." - Daddy-O
2001-12-10 02:17:47 PM  
wow, i don't remember the last time i read something so cringe inducing. now i feel dirty.
don't think the site is farked -prob. just low bandwidth. it was just SLOOOWWWWW loading here. single file please ;^)
2001-12-10 02:17:49 PM  
Dear TeenHeathFX,

When I have sex, I go "Aiwa, aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwa aiwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh." Am I a Jawa?

Signed: Possible Jawa
2001-12-10 02:19:03 PM  
that whole aiwa thing is makin me want to go by a midlevel stereo....
2001-12-10 02:38:38 PM  
AIWA is mid-level? In what world?
2001-12-10 02:50:44 PM  
"He held her in his arms as the sun vanished below the horizon and the ocean breezes caressed their bodies. Then they went back to their room and he threw the dick in her."
2001-12-10 02:53:35 PM  
Thorn: that's funny.
2001-12-10 02:54:04 PM  
Step aside time for some MadLeaf HardK0Re fiction!!!

"They were bored, so bored that even after pulling off the wings of flys they still didn't have what to do. She in her obfuticated mood gandered at him with a raised brow. "I need some food" as she motioned to a bottle of tabasco sause. She took off his pants that were made of burlap sacks with unintrested attention ripping some of the mold covered cloth. All of a sudden a dull gleam filled her eyes as she sighed and took out a bottle cap and proceded to scrape his armpit hairs in a combing motion. She squirted some tabasco sauce onto a plate and threw it on his head. Hair glistening with the hot condiment. His nose started to run and he squealed a fart in delight..."

To be continued...

So guys what do you think?
2001-12-10 03:01:28 PM  
Heh heh heh..... He said Pole.... Heh heh heh. :)
2001-12-10 03:02:50 PM  
i think you should write in your native tongue madleaf.
2001-12-10 03:14:06 PM  
I feel sorry for this guy's agent. He's gotta shop this sh*t around, for fvck's sake. Penthouse's "Letter's" wouldn't take anything this cheesy, and yet this guy has managed to secure a book deal....unbelievable.
2001-12-10 03:16:49 PM  
btw, strictly speaking, Tabasco sauce comes in a glass bottle, so squirting it might prove difficult....sorry.
*cowering like the dork I am*
2001-12-10 03:37:01 PM  
SteveVT: I've seen the Dark Sucker theory before. Where'd you get it from?
2001-12-10 03:37:44 PM  
Wonderful, MadLeaf! Ever consider being a professional author? I can hardly wait to read the next segment of your great story.
2001-12-10 03:43:06 PM  
I thought the award had been given to the chick who had written a description of what having sex with Fb- was like.
2001-12-10 03:50:19 PM  
"Signed: Possible Jawa"


*whew* Now that's comedy!
2001-12-10 03:59:22 PM  
The Mirror newspaper commented: "The scene involving a deep-sea diver and a genetically-modified, homosexually-inclined giant squid has to be read to be believed."

Um, I'll just take your word for it.
2001-12-10 04:26:22 PM  
"Tenderly he frosted her face with the nectar of his distended man-sack."
2001-12-10 04:47:59 PM  
I'm gonna fark you, softly.....
I'm gonna screw you gently.....
I'm gonna hump you, sweetly....
I'm gonna ball you, discreetly.
2001-12-10 04:55:14 PM  
AIWA is crap. Absolute crap. I have witnessed 4 AIWA audio devices that have retired right after their warranty, but long before should have. I wouldn't touch the brand again with a ten foot pole.
2001-12-10 04:57:09 PM  
This sounds a bit like the The Bulwer Lytton Contest - called 'It was a dark and stormy night'.
Except contestants in this try to write the worst opening line, and that alone.
My favourite is 'Her low-cut, revealing gown was black - black like her heart, although not really because everyone knows that a heart is just an internal organ whose natural pigment is pink just like the lungs, except, of course, for the lungs of a long-time smoker which may be as black as her low-cut, revealing gown.'
2001-12-10 05:04:36 PM  
Macfrugal: You said "pole"... heh heh heh

Obviously the guys a hack, everyone knows when your having sex you go "nnnnnaahhhnnnn nnnnaaaahhnnnn" like Chevy Chase in Caddy Shack.
2001-12-10 05:12:50 PM  
topped all comers to win the ninth annual Literary Review prize for the year's worst fictional description of the sexual act.

"Topped all comers" Now THAT should win a prize.
2001-12-10 05:53:00 PM  
WTF? Does fark have a pathetic tag, because this sure is.
2001-12-10 05:56:08 PM  

you rule.

I damn near spewed hot coffee through my nose reading that.

I needed that.
2001-12-10 06:27:51 PM  
Man, I've seen better lemons from 12-year-olds!
2001-12-10 06:52:40 PM  
and slowly, oh so slowly he caressed her rough yet firm bark. she moaned every so slightly as the wind whispered through her leaves, and his warm fingers found that secret place... a place where only woodpeckers hade dared to go before. but as his own pecker stiffened to wood, he knew that soon they would be wrapped in the pulpy oneness passion...
2001-12-10 08:30:01 PM  
I dunno, Stanfan. That's kind of sappy.
2001-12-10 08:47:11 PM  
When two kids fall in love
With all their heart and soul
They'll pant and pant some more
And . . that's . . a . . pair . . of . . pants!

(Alan Sherman, "One Hippopotami")
2001-12-10 09:13:41 PM  
I was trying for an erotic build up... And Anglish is my native tougne... ;P


Arg... Well there is a shake that you can do that make compresses liquid and it can shoot out the bottle but THAT is not as sexy I don't think...
2001-12-10 09:18:23 PM  
And he lay the serious smackage with the stolen dick because he didn't feel like kicking her out of bed, Her forehead throbbed pink in the floresent light marked in the shape of his perfect purple headed warrior...

Now there more appeal to the masses? Hmmm?
2001-12-10 10:37:09 PM  
Thorn nearly got me in serious shiat with my teacher.
2001-12-10 10:45:22 PM  
That cold imagery is no good.
"Just thinking about it makes my nipples hard." -Captain Murphy
2001-12-10 11:17:11 PM  
Boy, did I ever screw-up those Alan Sherman lyrics.
But then, it's been a good five years since I've heard that song.

If you should find someone
And you should make romance
2001-12-11 12:22:29 AM  
Captain Murphy?

"I don't wanna hear anything out of you except *munch* *munch* *munch""

2001-12-11 09:43:55 AM  
Here's a link to last year's article...that time they used the phrase Last year's winner was "understandably ebullient as he beat off" challenges by prominent novelists.

2001-12-12 12:18:12 AM  
From now on, all posts submitted by myself WILL contain the word "aiwa."

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