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(The New York Times)   Researchers find new gel prevents HIV in monkeys if rubbed on them immediately after sex. Your job doesn't look so bad now, does it?   ( divider line
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993 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Mar 2014 at 7:20 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2014-03-13 07:58:13 AM  
7 votes:
Dear Penthouse, I am a long time reader of your letters sections. I really enjoy reading about the adventures your readers have, Never did I think I would be writing you about anything I did.

A few months ago, I was just a young stud working the jungle, looking for love and my next meal. Usually in that order. Then, one day, I spied a nice meal and jumped on it. Faster than Admiral Akbar can say "It's a trap!" I was caught. Well, I wound up in a giant building with a bunch of other monkeys in these little boxes. Oh, we biatched up a storm about it. The only good thing was the three squares we got each day. But I think they were slipping us something, if you get me drift.

There's a chick in the box across from me. In the jungle, she'd be a 2. I'd push her to the lions just to get to a 3. But suddenly, she's looking 7 or 8. I'd do my flex and screech but she knows it's a buyers market here. There must be 10 dudes to every chick. Plus, we're in boxes and can't get none anyways.

Well, that changed. The hairless grease balls grab me one day and put me in a bigger box. I'm about to fling poo all over them when they dump Number Two in there with me. So I do my screech and flex for her and she's starts sending me the A-Okay. Maybe they're slipping her something too. Or maybe I really am a stud.

Back in the jungle, I snuck up on a real 8 while her mate was off looking for food. Banged her for a good 30 seconds and I couldn't walk straight for days. Well, I jumped on Number 2 here and I knew things have changed. Good things. There was screaming, hair pulled and biting. And that was just from me. She was all in to it too. We did the 'hairless monkey planks', the 'Grab the Fruit', and even the 'Monsoon Season Sex Ball'. I couldn't get enough of her and she really couldn't get enough of me.

After at least 30 minutes, there wasn't a spot on me that wasn't bit. pulled or drained. It was so good I was going to move in for a cuddle. You know. Just to tell her that it was okay and if she wanted to rest up, I wouldn't be opposed to doing it to her again in an hour. But the hairless basterds grabbed me and started rubbing crap all over my important monkey parts. Then, I got dumped back in my box. Number Two got the same treatment and dumped in to her box. Bummer.

Now, the sex with Number Two was pretty good. But I gotta tell you. You aint lived until some hairless jerk rubs gel all over your monkey privates. I'll crank one off in the corner if it means another dose of nice warm gel rubbed all over by a hairless perv. I promise I won't try and bite them or nuttin. You may think I'm a sicko but, brother, getting the gel treatment is better than wild monkey sex!
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