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(Detroit Free Press)   Dave Barry on the effects of "Traditional Children's Songs from Hell."   ( freep.com) divider line
    More: Amusing  
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5869 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Dec 2001 at 1:17 PM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

57 Comments     (+0 »)

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2001-12-07 01:21:22 PM  
2001-12-07 01:27:25 PM  
Dave Barry hasn't been
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since about the same time those error message haikus were written
2001-12-07 01:29:25 PM  
I would like an article about "The Christmas songs from Hell" I hate those. It's the same 15 farking songs sung by 500 different people. This is the main reason I hate the holydays, everywhere I go I get assaulted with this crap.
2001-12-07 01:30:42 PM  
Lighten up.......
2001-12-07 01:31:47 PM  
It'd be nice if they incorporated a few more contemporary songs in the holiday repitoire. I'd nominate "A Long December" from Counting Crows and "The Closing of the Year" from the Toys soundtrack.
2001-12-07 01:36:52 PM  
That was soooo on the money! Until you guys have been driving down the road with your windows down singing 'Winnie the Pooh' songs to your daughter and then look over at the car next to you and they're just STARING at you like you just got out of the loony bin... you haven't lived. It's DAMN funny.

p.s. I'd feel lucky if all I had to do was kiss the stupid goose on the neighbors porch though... These tea parties are KILLING me, and I never can find a flowery hat that fits me. =D
2001-12-07 01:36:53 PM  
I a parent so I relate to the article and find it funny.


Barry is a regular columnist, and frequently 'amusing'. Fark gonna tell us whenever a humor columnist writes a new column e.g. weekly/monthly? grr...
2001-12-07 01:40:49 PM  
another reason I'm never having children
2001-12-07 01:41:01 PM  
I'm soooo sick of people acting like they are better people who can appreciate more things because they are parents. And if I'm get behind some idiot who is steering with his forehead, I'll run him off the road.
2001-12-07 01:52:16 PM  
That's why my kids will only listen to Sir-Mix-A-Lot.
2001-12-07 01:54:39 PM  
of course parents can appreciate more things, idiot. they possess a shared experience that you don't. how about you find a way to deal with your inferiority complex.
2001-12-07 01:57:34 PM  
Dave Barry has long since jumped the shark.
2001-12-07 01:58:53 PM  
We all have experiences that others have not IFeelNothing. Given your profile, you're the one with a complex. Just go ahead and kill yourself if you're that depressed and deranged.
2001-12-07 02:01:04 PM  
I didn't mind when we got the notification here that Dave's Holiday Gift Guide had been updated, but do we really need an entry for every column?

Besides, this one was last week's column, and it was an edited version of it. Check out the original (with the Tall Man paragraph) here
2001-12-07 02:01:04 PM  
Anyone notice how the cutting-edge rock of our parent's generation is now redone by choirs of children for sing-a-long records?

I can't wait until generation Z can listen to "Enter Sandman," "Slim Shady," and "Dragula" on a Disney album.
2001-12-07 02:02:50 PM  
"I am also forced to drive while doing the Hokey-Pokey and making the Itsy Bitsy Spider go up the water spout. But the worst song, from a driving standpoint, is Where is Thumbkin? This is the one where you sing about, and display one at a time, the various fingers on your hand: Thumbkin, Ring Man, Pointer, etc. As you can imagine, this can create misunderstandings in traffic when your fellow motorists see you holding up Tall Man. I live in Miami, a heavily armed area, and I'm concerned that one of these days, some stressed-out driver is going to see me displaying Tall Man, and he's going to respond with: Trigger Man."

Oh, that is rich! I never knew a kids song included instructions on flipping people off. What a country!
2001-12-07 02:06:30 PM  
Dave Barry = Never Funny.
2001-12-07 02:06:59 PM  
Heh, heh....
2001-12-07 02:07:53 PM  
My daughter just turned two a couple weeks ago. You have not lived until you have hummed Raffi songs--ALL DAY WHILE AT WORK. But, yes Virginia, parenting is till worth it.

2001-12-07 02:14:34 PM  
God I miss the witticisms of Andy Rooney on 60 minutes....
2001-12-07 02:16:58 PM  
Parenting as practiced, explaned and proselytized, has many indicia of a cult. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it can be creepy.
2001-12-07 02:18:29 PM  
Icehouse: No, we're better than you because we have decent grammar skills.

Thank god my son isn't into that kind of thing. I refused, from an early date, to buy those annoying f---ing song tapes, and know what? He doesn't miss them! Imagine that! He insists, once in a while, that I dance with him to the theme song of "Bear in the Big Blue House" but if I don't, he isn't upset.

Those parents out there who biatch about stupid songs and annoying toys wouldn't be in a position to biatch if they didn't buy the damn things in the first place. Kinds don't know if you don't tell 'em. At least not the really small kids.
2001-12-07 02:20:22 PM  
dammit dammit dammit "explained"
2001-12-07 02:23:55 PM  
Hell ya, Whelmed! Preach the gospel, brotha'!

Being a parent has made me impervious to pee, shiat and puke... able to leap tall buildings on only 3-4 hours of sleep a night... take getting hit in the nose with a Speak'N'Spell while sleeping, and keep a smile on my face... Spend an hour making dinner only to hear 'Yucky! No food! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!' and like it...

Parenting, my friends, is like joining the Marine Corp. only with a lot more diapers involved... It'll make you tough, crazy and READY TO KILL!!! YES, DRILL SEARGENT!
2001-12-07 02:26:07 PM  
The headline should have read "Having Children Causes Otherwise Sane People to Act Like Idiots"... but then the tag would have to have been 'Obvious'.
2001-12-07 02:27:03 PM  
I agree with you about parents not needing to buy the tapes in the first place. They just like to biatch and have others relate to them. That is what I find so irritating. And it's Friday, so leave my grammar alone. And by the way, we don't care about your son.
2001-12-07 02:27:10 PM  
And they say that the public won't elect an unmarried person without kids as president because they aren't stable enough... :)
2001-12-07 02:27:19 PM  
Whelmed I love my kid as much as the next parent, but there are some things I never did for his dignity as well as my own.

2001-12-07 02:32:08 PM  
Icehouse just needs to be held.

everything's gonna be okay.
2001-12-07 02:35:26 PM  
Dogbone: Right with you brother. I think it's over for Dave.
2001-12-07 02:43:41 PM  
Lies! Dave Barry is a comediae dei.
He should be a part of the Blessed Fark Trinity:


All hail and praise.
2001-12-07 02:46:28 PM  
I don't even have to read this. Like Family Circus...it's just waitin' ta suck.
2001-12-07 02:52:30 PM  
feh. Dave Barry owns your soul.
2001-12-07 02:56:19 PM  
Children should be forced to listen to Ravi Shankar
2001-12-07 03:09:11 PM  
Dave Barry + Erma Bombeck = sucking vortex at the heart of the universe - Andy Rooney x Tim Allen + Carrot Top
2001-12-07 03:09:29 PM  
Dave Barry's son Rob goes to Haverford College, just like his old man. He has a (lame) web page:


Click "Why the Hell Does This page Even Exist" to see confirmation of his parentage.
2001-12-07 03:10:36 PM  
which can, of course, be expressed as a function of Pauly Shore
2001-12-07 03:18:55 PM  
I thought that that was pretty slick> dick!
2001-12-07 03:22:40 PM  
I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old, and face the same circumstances he speaks about in his column. I get out of it pretty easy, I just say "No". Barry needs to get his balls back from his wife.
2001-12-07 03:23:05 PM  
*cracks up*

I'm fifteen, and my childhood was not long ago. I can only imagine the hell I must have put my parents through. I was a HUGE fan of Raffi and his Christmas songs.
2001-12-07 03:55:05 PM  
Thanks Gidget

There is no way Dave Barry get the Holy Ghost position. I'll transfer a thought from another thread and suggest that if anyone gets to take up that position, it should be Bill Hicks. He is, after all, dead. And even as such, he has the funny way bigger than Dave farking Barry.
2001-12-07 04:10:35 PM  
Alright, alright, I know some farkers don't like Dave Barry, but obviously someone does, as it's on the newslist.
Can't we compromise? Can't he be a warrior archangel or something?
2001-12-07 04:16:29 PM  
Dear TeenHealthFX,
My parents raised me with "Traditional children songs" and "Barney" and now all I want to do is hurt kittens. What's wrong with me and why can't I have a normal relationship?
-Maresy Doats
2001-12-07 04:18:12 PM  
I'd keep him out of any sort of advance force, especially in a weapons-carrying capacity. He could be a company clerk or something -- but not a Radar-type company clerk, only a Klinger-level company clerk.
2001-12-07 04:41:04 PM  
Britney Spears melons go up and down, up and down, up and down, Britney Spears melons go up and down, can't take my eyes off!
2001-12-07 04:50:40 PM  
Mercury_ You rock!
2001-12-07 05:05:16 PM  
Heh, I raised my kids to the sounds of Black Sabbath which worked out great until I got the call from the nursery school. Uhhh, sir, little Johnny won't stop singing 'Fairies Wear Boots' and keeps talking about 'Sweet Leaf' They didn't like the pack of Marlboros I left in his lunch either now that I think about it.
2001-12-07 05:11:28 PM  
Dave Berry can eat my shiat.....
2001-12-07 07:22:57 PM  
"I can only imagine the hell I must have put my parents through. I was a HUGE fan of Raffi and his Christmas songs."

I probably gave my folks brain tumors from listening to my "Alvin and the Chipmunks" records...
2001-12-07 09:10:08 PM  
Wow...eat augies shiat...what a grown-up statement THAT is...or...Was that your version of showing us what it is like to have 3 year olds around again? cool....
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