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(ESPN)   The Seahawks are the clear #1, the Packers barely retain Top 20 status, the Panthers leapfrog the Saints and the Breesus is in need of resurrection. It's your Week 14 ESPN NFL Power Rankings   ( espn.go.com) divider line
    More: Cool, Power Rankings, Colts, ESPN.com's NFL, Arizona Cardinals, NFL, New England Patriots, Mike Sando, Paul Kuharsky  
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3347 clicks; posted to Sports » on 03 Dec 2013 at 1:36 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-12-03 03:20:15 PM  
5 votes:
Sorry guys, no trivia this week. I spent the day preparing for my court case. Ended up challenging and winning against a red light camera ticket.
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Go fark yourself, American Traffic Solutions. Fark yourself right in the ear. I told you that you wouldn't get a dime from me and I was right.
2013-12-03 06:35:39 PM  
3 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.  An achievement recorded by a gunslinger that, quite frankly, we didn't think we'd see in a starting role again.  A victory borne from an opportunity that most, up to and including this week's winner, probably did not think would ever come again.  While it is true that our man had recently found himself back on the field leading an NFL team once more after an unfortunate injury to his team's starter, one simply doesn't think a quarterback will just continue to get injured as the season progresses.  Not unless your team employs Michael Vick, dual aficionado of sending dogs to the animal doctor and himself to the people doctor, and the Tennessee Titans certainly do not.

So it was that our hero of the week found himself again thrown into the breach and thrown out of his own inner monologue, which revolved around the temperature of the metal clipboard in his hands, whether Jennifer Lawrence's breasts are in fact real, and if laissez-faire capitalism can truly be trusted to work in developing countries strung along the sub-Saharan continent.

What, our boy went to Harvard.  He's wicked smart.

No, getting back under center in an actual factual NFL game was the furthest thing from his mind on the afternoon of Week 10, his team taking on the squadron from Jacksonville that was being loosely labeled a "football team." With the division race heating up, our protagonist was quite happy for the upcoming easy win, not that he'd have much to do with it.  He spent his starting years up in Buffalo, and while his performance was at first so solid it reached the level of fanbase-comes-up-with-cute-name-derived-label status with "Fitzmagic," it hadn't lasted.

Buffalo went back to being Buffalo, and his weeks and months as the starter of the Bills were filled not with races for playoff spots or division crowns, oh no.

They were filled with races for The Jake.  Races that sadly went unfulfilled, game after game, performance after performance.  If the two quarterbacks most awash in talking head drool are Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, and the pairing of Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers form the matching sets of footprints in the sand immediately following Jake Delhomme's, then Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick were truly the Twin Towers of Jake runners-up.

How they flung the ball to cornerbacks far and wide, how they bobbled the ball to the sausage link fingers of fat defensive linemen all around the league, and it was always for naught.  They'd always fail to fail in the most heartbreaking of ways, and even now, he didn't like thinking about those days.  The days of wine, roses, and golden horse's asses were all gone now, but that was fine.  He had an up-and-comer to take under his wing, to bring up in his mold.

Sure, of course he had noticed that Andy Dalton had finally gone all the way and went down in a blaze of glory the previous week, his 66.7 at long last able to stand up to all comers, and snared a Jake to call his very own.  But he shook his head then, gave a warm nod of appreciation to the TV screen displaying the bungling of the Bengals, and called over Locker for a final review of the gameplan that day.

The old dreams
were good dreams.  They didn't work out, but Ryan Fitzpatrick was glad he had them.

Their opponents were hapless then, their pitiful record of zero wins and eight losses quite easily attesting to that fact.  Some were openly discussing whether the fabled dream team of failure, the Detroit Lions of their 0-16 campaign in 2008, could defeat them.  Having managed to stumble through their bye week without losing to any middle school flag football teams, fresh off having been fed a fortyburger by the San Francisco 49ers, the Jaguars came to Tennessee hungry for hope and desperate for a miracle.

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And with a snap, crackle, and/or pop of Jake Locker's right foot, that prayer was answered.

Sure, Titans fans were worried, but our man had been a starter at one point, wasn't he?  This was the Jaguars, and they were at home...Hell, they could put the calcified corpse of Bud Adams under center and they could beat the farking Jaguars, couldn't they?

With a 4th quarter fumble returned for a touchdown at 2:32 remaining, providing the Jaguars with an unprecedented and unimaginable two score lead that would provide enough cover to ensure their first victory of the season, our champion could think only one thing, and he Goddamned well screamed it to the sky.

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"I'm farking BACK, baby!  How do you like them apples!"

The season continued, and for the next two weeks, that old black Fitzmagic was cooking.  A loss to the Indianapolis Colts was rough going, that's true, and it didn't make fans happy that their team was now 0-2 for the second coming of The Ryan Fitzpatrick Era.  But he knew they had the Colts again in two weeks, and in between there, they had the Oakland Raiders.  Being the first team to lose to the Jags was tough, but even the team that did that couldn't lose to the Raiders...


Following their 4-point victory over the Raiders, Fitz was feeling fine, and why wouldn't he?

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His beard was in full bloom.

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Jake Locker was willing to pretend to listen as he would detail how the assassination of William McKinley in 1901 by anarchist Leon Czolgosz was actually more interesting than either of the Lincoln or Kennedy assassinations.

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The ghost of Bud Adams came to bestow some last minute advice.

Yeah, life was pretty sweet.  He was starting again, and the division title was still in sight - a win here would put them a game back with 4 to go.  There were some niggling reminders in his head, though.  Constant flashes of Dalton's award-winning performance washing over his beautiful mind as the game got underway and, as Andrew Luck threw a bad pick in the first 2 minutes of the game, a subconscious growl emerged from somewhere far beyond the mass of facial hair behind his facemask.

He swallowed hard and settled those urges down quickly, though, as the game became an early defensive struggle.  Points were at a premium as the first quarter turned into the second, as a narrow Indianapolis lead became a slight Tennessee advantage and just as quickly turned back the other way.  It looked as though this battle would be waged solely on the scoreboard, but then...quick as a flash...

Andrew Luck fumbled.

33.3 was his score, and for our Hibernian friend, there were no more desires able to be overcome.  This was war, and one soon met with an interception by Fitzpatrick to close the first half.  Those feelings only stewed further in his guts, and they consumed him.

Unable to avoid retaking the lead on their first possession of the second half, he heroically slammed the ball onto the grass as he was being sacked during the second.   That lead vanished due to yet another Adam Vinatieri field goal on the gift possession, a 50.0 was notched with another interception only 80 seconds afterward.  One might've thought that would be enough, but he just knew better.

All those past heartbreaks.  All those wrong turns.  The journey from starter to backup, how it weighed on him.  How he stood on those sidelines and wished Delhomme would send him something he was afraid to lose.

Now, he knew that Jake had.

The game was still in doubt, the Indianapolis margin a mere 8 points.  But he heard something else was in doubt.  Yet again, there was a logjam at 50.0.  Once more, there were a handful of other quarterbacks jostling for the same crown that had been so cruelly snatched from his head.

But he had the ball, there was time on the clock, and every passing second is another chance to turn it all around.

So he did.

And as he watched his pass fly past his allegedly intended Titan teammate and near the Colt behind him, he saw his trophy.  His trophy beckoning, its radiant glow washing all those lost clubhouse leads away, and the emotions just poured out of him.

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No, not like that.  Not everyone micturates from their eyeballs, you know.

For providing proof positive that dreams never die, for showing us that no perpetual bridesmaid should ever be given up on for this award, for scoring a 66.7 against the Indianapolis Colts, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 13 of the 2013 NFL season to Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Tennessee Titans.

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Ryan, anything to share?  Wait...are you singing?

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"When I lost you, honey, sometimes I think I lost my guts too.  Oh girl, you've got my love, heaaaaaaaaaaaart and soul."

Awww.  As another remarkably bearded man once said...

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"That's beautiful, man."
2013-12-03 12:12:42 PM  
3 votes:
I think the Saints at 5 is a bit generous after their performance last night, which can be summed up thusly:

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2013-12-03 06:25:50 PM  
2 votes:
Well.  Now that THAT'S over, first a word to the sky is falling types.
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/and now for The Jake
2013-12-03 03:27:18 PM  
2 votes:

Shame Us: tommyl66: mentallo69: people that say they dont know how the Seahawks will do in cold weather in NY.

Have you been to Seattle, its cold  and rains here. I think the Hawks will do just fine in the cold weather.

Does it ever get truly cold in Seattle, like single-digits cold? I was under the impression the weather is 41 degrees with a 75% chance of rain for 365 days a year.

Your impression is ridiculous and uninformed.

Sorry, I thought I was on fark.com for some reason
2013-12-03 02:55:04 PM  
2 votes:

harleyquinnical: rickythepenguin: dunno.  2nd in the West would be possible but no wild card this year.

Play with the ESPN Playoff Machine a bit.  I think the Cardinals have a chance at it, but they need at least 10 wins and San Fran to stumble at the line.

Well, Seattle can be nice if they want and give the Cards a win after beating the 49ers...leading to a whole offseason of 49ers fans crying about how Seattle "didn't want them in the playoffs."
2013-12-03 02:44:42 PM  
2 votes:

Shame Us: No Gm would ever trade up 6 spots for 5 or 6 top of the draft picks.

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Challenge accepted.
2013-12-03 01:46:27 PM  
2 votes:
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2013-12-03 01:37:55 PM  
2 votes:
Now that that's all dispensed with - the Seahawks are too damn low.
2013-12-03 12:03:07 PM  
2 votes:
2013-12-03 07:46:57 PM  
1 vote:

Shame Us: Hmm. Clayton just went on ESPN radio and said the 1-year susp for Browner is off the table and that Browner is pushing to be reduced to just a fine.

I doubt that will happen, but 4-gamer seems right.

I could see it going away, what with every other substance abuse "positive" being a result of not taking a test for a league that didn't employ him. Really is crazy that the NFL can test other leagues' athletes. I mean, it makes sense in baseball since the affiliates are just that, affiliates. But the CFL has nothing to do with the NFL, basically.

It'd be like you or I getting banned from Fark for swearing on Reddit.
2013-12-03 06:56:10 PM  
1 vote:

RminusQ: And that's it, easy peasy. And I swear to God I will block the first person who says "I was told there would be no math" for the rest of the regular season.

The Saints could use a blocker right now
2013-12-03 06:39:46 PM  
1 vote:

UNC_Samurai: mikaloyd: UNC_Samurai: mikaloyd: [i.imgur.com image 850x937]



I notice a distinct lack of WARRIOR CODE


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2013-12-03 06:29:02 PM  
1 vote:

UNC_Samurai: mikaloyd: [i.imgur.com image 850x937]



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2013-12-03 05:30:26 PM  
1 vote:

UNC_Samurai: Di Atribe: UNC_Samurai: Treygreen13: Sorry guys, no trivia this week. I spent the day preparing for my court case. Ended up challenging and winning against a red light camera ticket.
[i291.photobucket.com image 850x937]
Go fark yourself, American Traffic Solutions. Fark yourself right in the ear. I told you that you wouldn't get a dime from me and I was right.

No business based on Throckmorton St. should ever be taken seriously.

I think that's City Hall's address.

Does that invalidate my argument?

2013-12-03 04:56:07 PM  
1 vote:

IAmRight: I think you have to keep the white guy named Sweezy as long as you possibly can.

I can't imagine anyone disagreeing with that. I was never more disappointed in the loss of a talentless 3rd string QB than when Minnesota cut Booty.
2013-12-03 04:51:06 PM  
1 vote:
SOV. And I just told my boss that I haven't signed all of the Christmas cards yet because I've been just SO busy today. :D

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Busy makin graphs maybe what whaaaaaaaaaaaat?
2013-12-03 04:08:46 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: Sorry guys, no trivia this week. I spent the day preparing for my court case. Ended up challenging and winning against a red light camera ticket. [i291.photobucket.com image 850x937] Go fark yourself, American Traffic Solutions. Fark yourself right in the ear. I told you that you wouldn't get a dime from me and I was right.

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2013-12-03 04:00:40 PM  
1 vote:

JusticeandIndependence: IAmRight: Cam Newton has never thrown for as many TDs as Russell Wilson has in his worst year. Russell Wilson has never thrown as many INTs as Cam Newton in Newton's best year. There are NO measures (except maybe passing yards, which would just be silly) by which Newton is better than Wilson.

You make it sound like they've been playing for years...

They have 5 years total combined experience in the NFL.  Give it a few years to see who is top notch.  Wilson has the nod for now, but so did this guy early on....

[l.yimg.com image 600x782]

Geez, bring a bigger picture next time
2013-12-03 03:36:44 PM  
1 vote:

roc6783: When Newton wins a game for his team by throwing an interception, then we can talk about how he is approaching the level of Wilson.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shiat!  no he ditten!  no he ditten!  shiat just got real, son.
2013-12-03 03:35:37 PM  
1 vote:
When Newton wins a game for his team by throwing an interception, then we can talk about how he is approaching the level of Wilson. Until then, the matter is settled, Wilson is vastly superior.
2013-12-03 03:31:43 PM  
1 vote:

Treygreen13: Sorry guys, no trivia this week. I spent the day preparing for my court case. Ended up challenging and winning against a red light camera ticket.

Go fark yourself, American Traffic Solutions. Fark yourself right in the ear. I told you that you wouldn't get a dime from me and I was right.

This one's tricky.

The picture's Rex Ryan at that UFC event in Miami before the Super Bowl a couple years back, the Ft. Worth resident is the legendary sportswriter Dan Jenkins, and "the red light camera" is the Steelers' O-line this year?

I know the first two, the third one's just a guess.
2013-12-03 03:31:16 PM  
1 vote:

IAmRight: The Bestest: I'd argue both points. I'd call Wilson a better leader "out the gate", but Cam has matured a lot in that respect. He's not the same egomaniac he was his rookie year, or the pouting child he was last year.

Better than he was? Sure. Anywhere near Wilson? No.

Wilson is a saint.  We all know that.   Farkin' Pope Frankie calls him up for advice.

That's entirely not the point.
2013-12-03 03:05:24 PM  
1 vote:
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2013-12-03 02:35:43 PM  
1 vote:

Clash City Farker: Only Best Manning can beat Brady, Peyton doesnt do as well at beating Brady.

It's like rock-paper-scissors: Eli beats Tom, Tom beats Peyton, Peyton beats Eli.
2013-12-03 02:22:15 PM  
1 vote:

apt311: So the Jets stopped them too again?


2013-12-03 02:22:08 PM  
1 vote:
Man, I knew I should've placed a bet against the Bills.  Ah well, back to staring blankly at an empty white wall.
2013-12-03 02:21:29 PM  
1 vote:

Shame Us: They're still 9-3 and tied for the division. but last night was a thorough ass kicking, topped off by their plane being grounded and being forced to stay in Seattle

So the Jets stopped them too?

2013-12-03 02:21:25 PM  
1 vote:

ShadowLAnCeR: //because I hate skittles.

Well, at least you're consistent in your poor taste, from football team through candy.
2013-12-03 02:19:29 PM  
1 vote:

Smelly McUgly: Di Atribe: nmrsnr: I didn't really watch the game last night, but taking on the best team in the league in their own house and losing, even losing big, doesn't prove too much about the Saints, in my mind.

Oh honey. It was an ass-handing. LoneDoggie is right and I HATE to admit Seattle has ever done anything right.

How I feel about the Seahawks:

[i27.photobucket.com image 450x259]

OK no more posting pictures. Really going to do the graf now, swearsies.

How? Unless you are a NFCW fan, our franchise has only become REALLY relevant this last couple of years.

Is it latent "I can't stand USC" hate or something?

This is probably why:

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2013-12-03 01:46:36 PM  
1 vote:

AntonChigger: The Lions beneath the cowboys?  Please.

Chigger, please. Cry more, ya big baby.
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