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(ESPN)   The Seahawks are the clear #1, the Packers barely retain Top 20 status, the Panthers leapfrog the Saints and the Breesus is in need of resurrection. It's your Week 14 ESPN NFL Power Rankings   ( espn.go.com) divider line
    More: Cool, Power Rankings, Colts, ESPN.com's NFL, Arizona Cardinals, NFL, New England Patriots, Mike Sando, Paul Kuharsky  
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3347 clicks; posted to Sports » on 03 Dec 2013 at 1:36 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-12-03 03:20:15 PM  
5 votes:
Sorry guys, no trivia this week. I spent the day preparing for my court case. Ended up challenging and winning against a red light camera ticket.
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Go fark yourself, American Traffic Solutions. Fark yourself right in the ear. I told you that you wouldn't get a dime from me and I was right.
2013-12-03 06:35:39 PM  
2 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.  An achievement recorded by a gunslinger that, quite frankly, we didn't think we'd see in a starting role again.  A victory borne from an opportunity that most, up to and including this week's winner, probably did not think would ever come again.  While it is true that our man had recently found himself back on the field leading an NFL team once more after an unfortunate injury to his team's starter, one simply doesn't think a quarterback will just continue to get injured as the season progresses.  Not unless your team employs Michael Vick, dual aficionado of sending dogs to the animal doctor and himself to the people doctor, and the Tennessee Titans certainly do not.

So it was that our hero of the week found himself again thrown into the breach and thrown out of his own inner monologue, which revolved around the temperature of the metal clipboard in his hands, whether Jennifer Lawrence's breasts are in fact real, and if laissez-faire capitalism can truly be trusted to work in developing countries strung along the sub-Saharan continent.

What, our boy went to Harvard.  He's wicked smart.

No, getting back under center in an actual factual NFL game was the furthest thing from his mind on the afternoon of Week 10, his team taking on the squadron from Jacksonville that was being loosely labeled a "football team." With the division race heating up, our protagonist was quite happy for the upcoming easy win, not that he'd have much to do with it.  He spent his starting years up in Buffalo, and while his performance was at first so solid it reached the level of fanbase-comes-up-with-cute-name-derived-label status with "Fitzmagic," it hadn't lasted.

Buffalo went back to being Buffalo, and his weeks and months as the starter of the Bills were filled not with races for playoff spots or division crowns, oh no.

They were filled with races for The Jake.  Races that sadly went unfulfilled, game after game, performance after performance.  If the two quarterbacks most awash in talking head drool are Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, and the pairing of Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers form the matching sets of footprints in the sand immediately following Jake Delhomme's, then Andy Dalton and Ryan Fitzpatrick were truly the Twin Towers of Jake runners-up.

How they flung the ball to cornerbacks far and wide, how they bobbled the ball to the sausage link fingers of fat defensive linemen all around the league, and it was always for naught.  They'd always fail to fail in the most heartbreaking of ways, and even now, he didn't like thinking about those days.  The days of wine, roses, and golden horse's asses were all gone now, but that was fine.  He had an up-and-comer to take under his wing, to bring up in his mold.

Sure, of course he had noticed that Andy Dalton had finally gone all the way and went down in a blaze of glory the previous week, his 66.7 at long last able to stand up to all comers, and snared a Jake to call his very own.  But he shook his head then, gave a warm nod of appreciation to the TV screen displaying the bungling of the Bengals, and called over Locker for a final review of the gameplan that day.

The old dreams
were good dreams.  They didn't work out, but Ryan Fitzpatrick was glad he had them.

Their opponents were hapless then, their pitiful record of zero wins and eight losses quite easily attesting to that fact.  Some were openly discussing whether the fabled dream team of failure, the Detroit Lions of their 0-16 campaign in 2008, could defeat them.  Having managed to stumble through their bye week without losing to any middle school flag football teams, fresh off having been fed a fortyburger by the San Francisco 49ers, the Jaguars came to Tennessee hungry for hope and desperate for a miracle.

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And with a snap, crackle, and/or pop of Jake Locker's right foot, that prayer was answered.

Sure, Titans fans were worried, but our man had been a starter at one point, wasn't he?  This was the Jaguars, and they were at home...Hell, they could put the calcified corpse of Bud Adams under center and they could beat the farking Jaguars, couldn't they?

With a 4th quarter fumble returned for a touchdown at 2:32 remaining, providing the Jaguars with an unprecedented and unimaginable two score lead that would provide enough cover to ensure their first victory of the season, our champion could think only one thing, and he Goddamned well screamed it to the sky.

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"I'm farking BACK, baby!  How do you like them apples!"

The season continued, and for the next two weeks, that old black Fitzmagic was cooking.  A loss to the Indianapolis Colts was rough going, that's true, and it didn't make fans happy that their team was now 0-2 for the second coming of The Ryan Fitzpatrick Era.  But he knew they had the Colts again in two weeks, and in between there, they had the Oakland Raiders.  Being the first team to lose to the Jags was tough, but even the team that did that couldn't lose to the Raiders...


Following their 4-point victory over the Raiders, Fitz was feeling fine, and why wouldn't he?

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His beard was in full bloom.

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Jake Locker was willing to pretend to listen as he would detail how the assassination of William McKinley in 1901 by anarchist Leon Czolgosz was actually more interesting than either of the Lincoln or Kennedy assassinations.

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The ghost of Bud Adams came to bestow some last minute advice.

Yeah, life was pretty sweet.  He was starting again, and the division title was still in sight - a win here would put them a game back with 4 to go.  There were some niggling reminders in his head, though.  Constant flashes of Dalton's award-winning performance washing over his beautiful mind as the game got underway and, as Andrew Luck threw a bad pick in the first 2 minutes of the game, a subconscious growl emerged from somewhere far beyond the mass of facial hair behind his facemask.

He swallowed hard and settled those urges down quickly, though, as the game became an early defensive struggle.  Points were at a premium as the first quarter turned into the second, as a narrow Indianapolis lead became a slight Tennessee advantage and just as quickly turned back the other way.  It looked as though this battle would be waged solely on the scoreboard, but then...quick as a flash...

Andrew Luck fumbled.

33.3 was his score, and for our Hibernian friend, there were no more desires able to be overcome.  This was war, and one soon met with an interception by Fitzpatrick to close the first half.  Those feelings only stewed further in his guts, and they consumed him.

Unable to avoid retaking the lead on their first possession of the second half, he heroically slammed the ball onto the grass as he was being sacked during the second.   That lead vanished due to yet another Adam Vinatieri field goal on the gift possession, a 50.0 was notched with another interception only 80 seconds afterward.  One might've thought that would be enough, but he just knew better.

All those past heartbreaks.  All those wrong turns.  The journey from starter to backup, how it weighed on him.  How he stood on those sidelines and wished Delhomme would send him something he was afraid to lose.

Now, he knew that Jake had.

The game was still in doubt, the Indianapolis margin a mere 8 points.  But he heard something else was in doubt.  Yet again, there was a logjam at 50.0.  Once more, there were a handful of other quarterbacks jostling for the same crown that had been so cruelly snatched from his head.

But he had the ball, there was time on the clock, and every passing second is another chance to turn it all around.

So he did.

And as he watched his pass fly past his allegedly intended Titan teammate and near the Colt behind him, he saw his trophy.  His trophy beckoning, its radiant glow washing all those lost clubhouse leads away, and the emotions just poured out of him.

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No, not like that.  Not everyone micturates from their eyeballs, you know.

For providing proof positive that dreams never die, for showing us that no perpetual bridesmaid should ever be given up on for this award, for scoring a 66.7 against the Indianapolis Colts, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 13 of the 2013 NFL season to Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Tennessee Titans.

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Ryan, anything to share?  Wait...are you singing?

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"When I lost you, honey, sometimes I think I lost my guts too.  Oh girl, you've got my love, heaaaaaaaaaaaart and soul."

Awww.  As another remarkably bearded man once said...

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"That's beautiful, man."
2013-12-03 03:16:38 PM  
2 votes:

farbekrieg: Sigh falcons cant even keep a line on the #1 overall pick next year

/Houston stop sucking so damn hard

Hell no!! Houston needs to bomb every last remaining game so there will be no excuse not to nuke from orbit the entire coaching staff.

But knowing this organization, they'll probably just blow it hiring Lane Kiffin as head coach and
draft Manziel. *shudder*
2013-12-03 02:35:43 PM  
2 votes:

Clash City Farker: Only Best Manning can beat Brady, Peyton doesnt do as well at beating Brady.

It's like rock-paper-scissors: Eli beats Tom, Tom beats Peyton, Peyton beats Eli.
2013-12-03 02:11:14 PM  
2 votes:
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Good thing the Panther's front office didn't listen to "Fans" during the 1-3 start.  I'll take Cam over almost any QB in the league right now.
2013-12-04 09:12:30 PM  
1 vote:

Primitive Screwhead: robsul82: Primitive Screwhead: Jason Whitlock can suck my ass.

Why, what'd he say.

On PTI he spewed out : "The Seahawks have peaked too early. They have played their best football game" and then proceeded to go on about how they will now slide into being a losing team.
Mr. Whitlock also threw in "They can't win in the playoffs with Russell Wilson as quarterback"

What is stupid about the Seahawks are 1 for 2 in the playoffs with Russell Wilson as quarterback, so this statement is demonstrably false.

Also, how exactly do you "peak" in football? If the Seahawks have peaked too early, then I guess so have the.... Chiefs, Bronco's, Panthers, Saints, and Patriots. By this guys logic we should just give the trophy to the Lions right now since they are probably the best team that hasn't discernably peaked yet this season.
2013-12-03 07:46:57 PM  
1 vote:

Shame Us: Hmm. Clayton just went on ESPN radio and said the 1-year susp for Browner is off the table and that Browner is pushing to be reduced to just a fine.

I doubt that will happen, but 4-gamer seems right.

I could see it going away, what with every other substance abuse "positive" being a result of not taking a test for a league that didn't employ him. Really is crazy that the NFL can test other leagues' athletes. I mean, it makes sense in baseball since the affiliates are just that, affiliates. But the CFL has nothing to do with the NFL, basically.

It'd be like you or I getting banned from Fark for swearing on Reddit.
2013-12-03 06:25:50 PM  
1 vote:
Well.  Now that THAT'S over, first a word to the sky is falling types.
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/and now for The Jake
2013-12-03 04:51:06 PM  
1 vote:
SOV. And I just told my boss that I haven't signed all of the Christmas cards yet because I've been just SO busy today. :D

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Busy makin graphs maybe what whaaaaaaaaaaaat?
2013-12-03 03:49:19 PM  
1 vote:

meanmutton: Rwa2play: IAmRight: Clash City Farker: Only Best Manning can beat Brady

I would think the best Manning would be the one that can make the playoffs every year.

Best Manning has two rings; last time I checked Peyton's only got one to his name.

This is not the year to try to convince people that Eli is as good as Peyton, let alone better than him.

Eli has improved pretty significantly lately. Improved from "god awful" to "not actively trying to lose" but that's still an improvement.
2013-12-03 03:35:37 PM  
1 vote:
When Newton wins a game for his team by throwing an interception, then we can talk about how he is approaching the level of Wilson. Until then, the matter is settled, Wilson is vastly superior.
2013-12-03 03:30:34 PM  
1 vote:

IAmRight: Rwa2play: IAmRight: Clash City Farker: Only Best Manning can beat Brady

I would think the best Manning would be the one that can make the playoffs every year.

Best Manning has two rings; last time I checked Peyton's only got one to his name.

I guess when rings are all you have, you pretend those have any significant relationship to quarterback play.

I'll say until I'm dead that using SB rings as a means of evaluating QB play is basically saying that Trent Dilfer was better than Dan Marino.
2013-12-03 03:16:00 PM  
1 vote:
OK, here we go. First the stats, just in case I can't type any more after I upload the picture. YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR BEING PARANOID

Change from Week 1 to this week:
One 27 point drop: Falcons.
One 20 point jump: Panthers

One team is right back where they started: Seahawks

Change from last week to this week:
One 4 point drop: Cardinals
Two 4 point jumps: Ravens, Dolphins

Seven teams did not change rank

Number of times rankings have changed:
1 team has changed twice: Jaguars
5 teams have changed 13 times (max): Browns, Redskins, Chargers, Jets, Eagles

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation:Jaguars & Broncos with 3
Highest fluctuation: Falcons & Texans with 28
Average fluctuation is 13.31

Most spots traveled:
Eagles with 57.

Teams hitting their highest rank this week: Panthers, Eagles. Last week: Cardinals

Teams hitting their lowest rank this week: Packers, Redskins, Bears. Last week: Texans

Four teams have held the #1 spot: Seahawks, 49ers, Broncos, & Chiefs

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2013-12-03 02:55:26 PM  
1 vote:

Clash City Farker: There's not enough love for new England in this thread since they are headed for the title game.

Only Best Manning can beat Brady, Peyton doesnt do as well at beating Brady.

I was surprised they didn't lose some ground in the power rankings after nearly choking to Houston.  Then I remembered this is the ESPN power rankings.
2013-12-03 02:44:42 PM  
1 vote:

Shame Us: No Gm would ever trade up 6 spots for 5 or 6 top of the draft picks.

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Challenge accepted.
2013-12-03 02:38:27 PM  
1 vote:

Clash City Farker: Only Best Manning can beat Brady

I would think the best Manning would be the one that can make the playoffs every year.
2013-12-03 02:14:55 PM  
1 vote:
It's time for YOUR week 13

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After Starting with  54 players back in the shadowy realms of week 1 when the Atlanta Falcons were considered a play off favorite, we were down to a mere  3 players coming in to the week 13 games. And after gorging themselves on pumpkin pie, leftover turkey and the greatest thanksgiving foodstuff of all, beer, green bean casserole, the FARKISTAN EXTREME ELIMINATION CHALLENGE lost a whopping 33.33% of its player base. Yes, Ladies, Gentlemen, Bunny & Di, we are down to a mere  2 survivors.

Let us take a moment to commiserate with our bronze medal recipient:

Daedalus27, who picked the  Chicago Bears to beat the  Minnesota Vikingsbut was thwarted by a combination of wind and our  Eliminator NFL Player of The Week, Mr.  Blair Walsh, of the said Vikings.

But what of our surviving duo?  Who are the two Farkers locked into a four week Thunderdome from which only one can emerge victorious?

I'm glad you asked.The survivors are:
Senorbenedict who picked the  Carolina Panthers to beat the suddenly-frisky  Tampa Bay Buccaneers, which they preceded to do like the hapless Bucs were a government mule, which is why this prediction gets the coveted  Wizard Hat Of The Week!

wjllope's WAGs correctly predicted that the  New England Patriots could overcome the woeful Case Keenum-led  Houston Texans and after some serious squeaky bumtime, was also vindicated.

That's all for this week, and remember:


2013-12-03 01:56:51 PM  
1 vote:
In before all the good stuff.  SUCCESS!  So let's get the Authentic BCS-Style Computer Rankings out of the way:

1. Seattle Seahawks (10.85 wins)
Top Tier
2. Denver Broncos (10.15)
Very High Tier
3. New Orleans Saints (9.21)
4. Carolina Panthers (8.99)
5. New England Patriots (8.92)
6. Kansas City Chiefs (8.66)
7. San Francisco 49ers (8.20)
High Tier
8. Indianapolis Colts (8.10)
9. Arizona Cardinals (7.41)
10. Cincinnati Bengals (7.35)
Upper Mid Tier
11. Dallas Cowboys (7.02)
12. Philadelphia Eagles (6.69)
13. Detroit Lions (6.21)
14. Miami Dolphins (6.12)
Lower Mid Tier
15. St. Louis Rams (5.52)
16. Chicago Bears (5.44)
17. Baltimore Ravens (5.28)
18. New York Giants (5.28)
19. Tennessee Titans (5.13)
20. San Diego Chargers (5.02)
21. New York Jets (4.98)
22. Green Bay Packers (4.94)
Low Tier
23. Pittsburgh Steelers (4.41)
24. Buffalo Bills (4.31)
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4.00)
26. Oakland Raiders (3.83)
27. Atlanta Falcons (3.82)
Very Low Tier
28. Cleveland Browns (3.63)
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (3.51)
30. Minnesota Vikings (3.37)
31. Washington Redskins (3.06)
Bottom Tier
32. Houston Texans (2.60)
2013-12-03 01:46:27 PM  
1 vote:
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2013-12-03 01:38:59 PM  
1 vote:

FuManchu7: Your soft. All the talent, none of the heart.

I didn't really watch the game last night, but taking on the best team in the league in their own house and losing, even losing big, doesn't prove too much about the Saints, in my mind.

At any rate, here are the FARK/FAIL ratings for week 14, all in all pretty close to ESPN:

1) Seattle (1)
2) Denver (2)
3) New Orleans (5)
4) Carolina (3)
5) New England (4)
6) Kansas City (7)
7) Cincinnati (8)
8) San Francisco (6)
9) Indianapolis (9)
10) Arizona (13)
11) Dallas (11)
12) Detroit (12)
13) Philadelphia (10)
14) Baltimore (14)
15) Miami (17)
16) San Diego (16)
17) Chicago (15)
18) Green Bay (19)
19) Pittsburgh (18)
20) Tennessee (21)
21) St. Louis (20)
22) New York Giants (22)
23) Buffalo (24)
24) New York Jets (23)
25) Cleveland (27)
26) Oakland (25)
27) Tampa Bay (26)
28) Atlanta (29)
29) Minnesota (28)
30) Jacksonville (31)
31) Washington (30)
32) Houston (32)

Parentheses are ESPN's ranks

The Eagles Are Too Damn High: -3 compared to ESPN
The Cardinals Are Too Damn Low: +3 compared to ESPN

/goddam it Redskins, why are you so bad?
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