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(Daily Mail)   Neighbor calls police after hearing a woman scream 'Stop No'. What did police find when they got there. A) the woman's boyfriend beating her. B) The boyfriend stealing from her. C) The boyfriend passing gas   ( dailymail.co.uk) divider line
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8720 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jul 2013 at 2:43 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-07-07 03:15:41 AM  
3 votes:
Yeah, that's bad... but

CSB: I was working nights at the time, and while I was asleep I heard this foghorn of a fart. I woke up to laugh at mrs vertdang (who of course, would NEVER ever fart) but it turns out it was still the middle of the day, and I was in bed all by myself.

I farted myself awake.

/true story
2013-07-07 01:12:46 AM  
2 votes:

Somacandra: Like the biatch has never had to fart.

Women are incapable of farting and they never poop.
2013-07-07 01:06:43 AM  
2 votes:
Like the biatch has never had to fart.
2013-07-07 11:05:55 AM  
1 vote:
2013-07-07 09:25:05 AM  
1 vote:

weirdneighbour: Womans poop is pelletized like a rabbits or deer, and they don't have to wipe.

Actually, mine is "pelletized" and I never need more than three squares of toilet paper per toilet episode.  In 95% of incidents, not a single brown spot will be found on the toilet paper even after the first wipe.  A roll of toilet paper could last me months.

My husband, on the other hand... Let's just say everything that emerges from his gastrointestinal region---farts, shiats, et al.---is both smelly and abundant.  The dude can go through a roll of toilet paper in less than a week.


Here's my CSB:

I dated this one dude for about five years.  We had a great relationship, including lots o' sexy time.  However, something about having sex with this particular guy lead to me getting constant urinary tract infections.  We both showered everyday, etc., so it wasn't the result of being dirty.  As a result, I was put on a prophylactic antibiotic, something I had to take every single day to keep urinary tract infections at bay.

These antibiotics wreaked havoc on my gut; I farted all the friggin' time, and they were disgustingly stinky farts (on par with my husband's farts) of the "silent but deadly" variety.

I once cleared out half of Cost Plus World Market by one particularly stinky butt bomb.  Like, people actually left the building.

The funny thing was, since I'm a well put-together white woman, no one suspected the fart originated from my arse.


post script: Once I broke up with that guy and moved on to my husband, the urinary tract infections went away; I haven't had one since.  Go figure.
2013-07-07 03:57:22 AM  
1 vote:
I'd bet the man couldn't be prouder, and he'll spend the rest of his days sharing this story with anyone he meets.

"You think your farts are bad? I ripped such a monster blast one night, my girlfriend started screaming and the neighbors called the cops! I got a copy of the incident report, had it framed, and it hung in my den for almost two weeks, until I fired off another trouser burp and set the walls on fire."
2013-07-07 03:55:16 AM  
1 vote:

Vertdang: I farted myself awake.

You woke yourself up?

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2013-07-07 03:12:18 AM  
1 vote:
Neighbor below me once called the cops over my boyfriend yelling, cussing and stomping.

He was losing a video game.
2013-07-07 03:04:31 AM  
1 vote:
My wife has given an ultimatum over my gas. I am no longer to pass while we are eating or while she is eating, in front of her family or friends. I no longer have the pass to pass gas......... :(
2013-07-07 02:59:18 AM  
1 vote:
Was it just a loudish "stop no" or a true bonechilling he is going to murder me with intestinal gas scream?
2013-07-07 02:51:50 AM  
1 vote:
I'm glad none of the date nights with my g/f ever ended like this.  We've had some epic Dutch-oven wars.

And therwith spak this clerk, this absolon,
Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art.
This nicholas anon leet fle a fart,
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
2013-07-07 01:30:08 AM  
1 vote:

NewportBarGuy: Somacandra: Like the biatch has never had to fart.

Women are incapable of farting and they never poop.

I heard they poop pearls and pee perfume but I don't have a link for that.
2013-07-07 01:01:54 AM  
1 vote:
This is why I live in the country

/the neighbors are too far away to hear the screaming
2013-07-07 01:00:40 AM  
1 vote:
Why not all three?
2013-07-07 12:24:06 AM  
1 vote:
Thank god he wasn't watering his lawn, that's a shootin!
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