Can't you all see how overblown this is? All of this anger against a program that's saving American lives, just because you're concerned over privacy? Everyone one of you ungrateful sops bellowing about how the NSA is violating the 4th Amendment should be shaking our hand for all of the terrorist attacks we have saved you from using all of this metadata. Would you rather be blown up by suicide bomber?

I can assure you that we're only looking at the information we need to protect you. Sure, along the way we may inadvertently see some unrelated info, like Skleenar's Natalie Portman fanpage or Nekom's love for erotic bonsai. Just because we know that Pants full of macaroni!! once ate 27 Encharitos and threw up on a cop doesn't mean we're violating the constitution. And of course, all of that intel on Nana's Vibrator's "experimental" phase in college and neversubmit's closely guarded Elvis collector's plate collection was key in foiling 9/11 2 (which would have been far worse than regular 9/11, trust me.)

This is very important work that you just wouldn't understand. Even though we stumbled upon  Sudo_Make_Me_A_Sandwich's frankly frightening browser history or unlikely's LiveJournal of Scooby Doo/Species crossover fanfiction, not to mention Drew's collection of vegetarian chili recipes (the white vegan chili is to DIE for), you have nothing to worry about. Your privacy is our biggest concern.

I promise.