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(Salon)   From a new romance novel inspired by Michelle Bachmann: "He touched the void inside her, pollinating her pink flower like a master bee." I have the weirdest boner right now   ( salon.com) divider line
    More: Strange, Michele Bachmann, Steadman Bass  
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6209 clicks; posted to Main » on 21 May 2013 at 6:40 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-05-21 07:21:22 PM  
7 votes:
Rand Paul awoke to find himself bound tightly to a hard wooden chair.  The room was empty except for a glaring incandescent light bulb and something in the corner that looked disturbingly like chains.  The bare concrete walls reflected sound and light back on him, resulting in a senses-destroying cacophony.  Through the blinding light, he could make out the frame of a large steel door.

My god, he thought to himself, Obama has finally done it.  He's rounding up his enemies.  The Tea Party rally had all been a ruse to draw out the Kenyan usurper's enemies.  From somewhere beyond the rusted steel door, Rand heard the click-clack of FEMA jackboots against the concrete floor, coming closer and closer.  Rand struggled to free himself from the bindings, but whoever had tied him to this chair knew what they were doing.  The clinking of tumblers falling into place echoed in the stale air.  With a screech of rusted metal against metal, the door opened slowly inward.  Through clenched eyes, Rand could just barely make out a human form standing in the doorway.

From somewhere deep inside his soul, a primal scream of rage erupted.  "You bastards!" he screamed.  "You'll never get away with this!  We're Americans and we will never surrend-"

"Oh Rand, do shut up."

The sultry female voice stunned Rand into a momentary silence as the outline of a svelte female form emerged into the light.  Michelle Bachman was 120 lbs of sex poured into a 90 lb black leather stiletto-heeled bag.  Rand gasped as she slowly walked towards him, her hips rhythmically swaying like the foam-flecked waves of the ocean crashing against the beach.  Her lips were painted the shade of deep red that was only possible from dyes that had long since been banned by government regulators.  Her perfume reeked of sex and liberty and something dangerous... freedom.  From behind her came the soft sound of rawhide gently slapping against exposed flesh.  His senses overwhelmed, Rand felt the stirring in his loins that he had only ever felt while reading The Fountainhead.

"M-Michelle?  What's going on?  I thought Obama had launched his coup?"

"He has,"  Bachman's sultry lips pursed in disdain.  "Fox News is gone.  His gay legions have seized control of the military.  Even now his IRS goon squad is fanning out across the country, auditing anyone who tries to stand up to him."

Rand couldn't believe it.  How had Obama managed to strike so suddenly?  "Michelle, we have to do something!  Call the NRA!  It's time for second-amendment solutions!"

"Oh Rand, do you think the Kenyan didn't anticipate that?  Al Qeida destroyed NRA headquarters two hours ago."  Bachman slithered into a nearby chair and casually flicked a speck of dust from her leather thigh-highs with her riding crop.  "Wayne LaPierre was a firebrand, but never a leader.  Our training sessions together were... intense, but he always came up... short."

"We have to do something Michelle!  Untie me and we'll rally the Tea Party and-"

Bachman let out a decisive snort that sent shockwaves through Rand's baking loins.  "The Tea Party is full of children.  They're nothing on their own.  They need a leader, a warrior-prince.  I thought your father could be that man, but he's too... soft."  Bachman's lips curled into a devious smile.  Her eyes bore into Rand's soul like a missile-defense system's laser beams.  The sweat was pouring down his back now as his manhood pressed painfully against the zipper of his pants.  "What do you say Rand?"  Bachman purred.  "Are you more of a man than your father?"

Rand's vision had gone red with desire.  The taunts from the objectivist vixen punctured his defenses as if they were even their.  Driven by rage and lust, Rand Paul screamed out, "Yes!  Yes, I will be your warrior!  Tell me what I need to do!"

"Well, my little John Galt," Bachman said as she slinked out of her chair.  "Before you can lead our armies, you have to be trained."  Rand let out a gasp as a six inch stiletto heel planted itself firmly in his privately-owned baby factory.  "There's no more time for tea at this party, only S-" Rand Paul's vision went white as the rising crop smacked against his face, "-and M."
2013-05-21 06:57:10 PM  
3 votes:
i.imgbox.comView Full Size
2013-05-21 07:32:10 PM  
2 votes:

anfrind: FlashHarry: theorellior: FlashHarry: i don't get the "mooshelle" thing. do they think she's fat? seriously?

[www.comicsbeat.com image 500x690]

[assets4.designsponge.com image 500x681]

yeah, she's huge. 0_o

You can only see how huge she really is after you unskew the photo.

i45.tinypic.comView Full Size
2013-05-21 07:26:15 PM  
2 votes:
Over the protestations of Michelle's campaign manager, Marcus opened the door and was greeted with a most unexpected sight. A sturdy man stood before him, back turned; the muscles of his shoulders rippled, his bare buttocks glistened impossibly in the dull fluorescent light of the St. Paul Civic Center office room. The young Adonis had not heard him, or had ignored him; whatever held his attention before held it still, and in turn Marcus held still. He could not stay, he knew, but neither now could he bring himself to leave.

Within minutes, the stiff focus of his gaze shifted rightward, and thus fell upon slightly disheveled woman. Their eyes met; hers widened, a task that would seem to defy the heretofore known properties of eyes, as even at rest they were the size of Brobdingnagian saucers. She hastened to her feet, and the glint of recognition became a chill that ran through Marcus' body.

"Mi...Michelle!?" he sputtered out in a quivering falsetto, "Mi...what are you doing!?"

The woman paused, stood, ran her hand through mussed hair; her partner hiked his trousers, but did not turn, as if the floral wallpaper held his attention hostage.

"Oh, it's you Marcus." She wiped the corners of her mouth pensively as she spoke. She shrugged. "Non-story, overzealous staffer."
2013-05-21 06:18:16 PM  
2 votes:

Honest Bender: Wtf is a master bee?

It's what Michele is forced to do after yet another frustrating night of Marcus trying and failing to put it in her "icky place"
2013-05-21 05:13:12 PM  
2 votes:
myconfinedspace.comView Full Size
2013-05-21 10:27:44 PM  
1 vote:

wambu: [i.imgur.com image 540x404]
[i.imgur.com image 297x422]
[i.imgur.com image 450x401]
[i.imgur.com image 818x600] [i.imgur.com image 569x360]
[i.imgur.com image 600x476]

master farker - best post in thread I've ever seen
2013-05-21 07:36:19 PM  
1 vote:

jehovahs witness protection: You people think she's not farkable but turn around and say moochelle is hot?

/your party is confusing

Michelle is classy, and that's an attractive trait to have. Bachmann is not. I'm not calling her physically ugly, but as a person she is. And that's a turn-off.
2013-05-21 07:31:26 PM  
1 vote:

PsiChick: ...I was going to say this is the sign that, as an author, you've finally snapped and lost it.

Then I read the thread.

Farkers could fark'in write a better love story involving squirrel nuts and that black guy stealing beer in NOLA.
2013-05-21 07:24:03 PM  
1 vote:
Mentat: snip.

If you weren't already a TFer I'd sponsor you right here and now
2013-05-21 07:10:15 PM  
1 vote:
Um... male bees are rarely pollinators.
A "master bee" pollinator would be a female.
2013-05-21 07:07:40 PM  
1 vote:
I'll buy the Book on tape if this guy reads it. I love him In 50 Shades of Grey.
bakanekonoyuutsu.files.wordpress.comView Full Size
2013-05-21 06:46:43 PM  
1 vote:
I assume we're talking honeybees, in which the pollinators are female bees.

Just got hotter, didn't it?
2013-05-21 06:21:20 PM  
1 vote:

Revek: Except she looked like she was biting it instead of sucking it down.

No, no, NO. She playfully teased the head of it with her teeth, gently caressed it with her experienced tongue, then deep-throated it like a pro.
2013-05-21 05:58:16 PM  
1 vote:

Lorelle: Lame. I can do better than that.

Revek: and takes a bite out of it like a giant corn dog.

Try as she might, Michelle just couldn't get Steadman out of her mind. She thought of what his throbbing manhood must look like as she aggressively sucked down a huge corn dog for dinner that night...

I have never been so turned off in my life.
2013-05-21 05:46:06 PM  
1 vote:
Wtf is a master bee?
2013-05-21 05:39:29 PM  
1 vote:

Lorelle: Try as she might, Michelle just couldn't get Steadman out of her mind. She thought of what his throbbing manhood must look like as she aggressively sucked down a huge corn dog for dinner that night...

luck was on her side. marcus was at the gym again. it's funny, she thought - he goes to the gym for hours a day yet he remains chubby and weak-limbed. what could he be doing there all this time? no matter; he was gone, and she was alone with steadman and his christ-like chiseled body.
2013-05-21 05:34:52 PM  
1 vote:
Lame. I can do better than that.

Revek: and takes a bite out of it like a giant corn dog.

Try as she might, Michelle just couldn't get Steadman out of her mind. She thought of what his throbbing manhood must look like as she aggressively sucked down a huge corn dog for dinner that night...
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