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(Telegraph)   If you have to have a fake funeral to hear what your friends really think of you, you probably don't want to know   ( telegraph.co.uk) divider line
    More: Dumbass  
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5674 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Apr 2013 at 1:11 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-04-11 05:32:31 PM  
1 vote:
That's bullshiat. When people die, suddenly they're all saints. Suddenly, the most amazing biatch becomes the "sweetest girl" who had "such hopes and dreams" and "loved children" or "always lent a helping hand". The most horrible bastard can die and become "A nice guy" who "loved his family" and "always had good intentions" and everybody says he had "a heart of gold under that exterior."

Or some shiat like that.

I remember when a friend of mine died in high school. He was a real sonuvabiatch. Anyone who knew him knew he was a selfish prat who had mental problems. Still, his friends put up with his asshole behavior because we hoped he'd grow out of it some day. Instead, he shot himself in the head.

Now, this guy was one of the punks. The preppies hated his guts, bullied him, teased him, and generally treated him like foot fungus... Until he died. Suddenly, they were ALL close to him. They all started telling people what a sweet, wonderful, caring guy he was. They conveniently forgot how much they loathed him, and were all immediately promoted to being his dear friends the day he died.

When the funeral came, those of us who knew him didn't go. We knew the entire thing was a sham that showed no respect for anything he ever believed in. All the beautiful people showed up, of course. So did a news crew, and you can bet the popular people were first in line to stand in front of the camera and talk about what a good friend he was, and how he "brightened everyone's lives", and how they just couldn't believe he was dead.

Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had gone to the funeral, just so I could stand up and say, "I really  was this guy's friend-- As much as he would allow people to be his friends, anyway-- And it would be an insult to him and all he stood for if I didn't tell you all:  You're lying goddamned hypocrites. He hated most of you. He spent years taking shiat from you, and he never once considered you dayglo motherfarkers his friends... Not that you ever tried to be, anyway. You, Tiffany, sitting there crying your eyes out over this guy when you were the biatch that put Tim and Jake up to beating the shiat out of him for having the nerve to flirt with you--- Ironically, I might add, because you were  not his type-- in gym class. And you, Becky, telling the reporter what a good friend he was after spending your lunch period  just last week telling your little clique what a loser he was. And you, John, acting like he was your buddy when you knocked his books out of his hands every other day and, along with your little posse of football buddies, robbed him of his lunch money at least three times in the last year."

"He hated you, and you hated him, and he would be the first to admit that he was an antisocial, unlikable son of a biatch who disliked people in general. Being dead doesn't automatically make him a nicer guy, or erase your bullshiat treatment of him. It just makes it easier for you all to lie about it."

"So on behalf of my dead friend,  f♥ck you all."

Of course, good taste prevented me from doing anything like that. And as I said, anyone who really knew him wouldn't insult his memory by going to a funeral where they played Christian hymns and delivered sermons about his relationship with God, because we all knew he hated God, hated his parents and their oppressive religious crap, and wouldn't want to be buried in a stupid-looking suit, with a wig covering his mohawk, while surrounded by the "preppy f♥cks" who made his life even more miserable than it already was.

So we skipped school, listened to cool music, and talked about him and about what assholes our classmates were. A couple of us (not me) got drunk in his memory. I made out with his ex-girlfriend.

He would have wanted it that way, the bastard.
2013-04-11 03:34:33 PM  
1 vote:

FarkingReading: GalFriday: Lots of dead people in my family, we have never hired a photographer.

Hmm. I've never had a single dead person in my entire family, so I don't know.

You're from a family of immortals? Like demi-gods or demons? Cool!
2013-04-11 01:30:02 PM  
1 vote:
I thought "Tom Sawyer" was banned in China.
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