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(Serious Eats)   Want a steak so good, your dog will murder you in your sleep for it? Here comes the Food Science   ( seriouseats.com) divider line
    More: Cool, food science, studios, rib eyes, murders, sleeps, dogs  
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13083 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Mar 2013 at 5:41 PM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-03-19 04:45:11 PM  
11 votes:
That looks delicious! Pass the ketchup!
2013-03-19 06:00:03 PM  
7 votes:
God!  I hate these foodies.  They've taken a simple think like eating and tried to make it better.  It's just food!  What's the difference.

It reminds me of these people that I like to call "sexies".  They're always trying to have sex with attractive women, but there's no difference between that and jerking off to the bra section in the Sears catalog.  They don't impress me.  I've got a Sears catalog.  Who needs anything better than that?
2013-03-19 05:56:54 PM  
6 votes:
Headline would be funny if not for the fact that my dog has literally attempted to murder me several times, both while I'm sleeping and while I'm not.

I'm very afraid of her.  Oh god, she's watching me everybody be cool.  She hasn't learned to read very well yet, so I a
2013-03-19 06:45:41 PM  
2 votes:

meat0918: But what if you like a well done steak?  This might be the worst possible steak ever then.

See Hank Hill's advice.
2013-03-19 06:36:33 PM  
2 votes:
I just wrap a steak up in foil, chuck it on the exhaust manifold, drive to work. I let it sit out there all day until I drive home. Once I get home I have a cooked steak. You guys just don't know what the hell you're doing.
2013-03-19 06:33:19 PM  
2 votes:

meat0918: But what if you like a well done steak?

You should probably kill yourself.
2013-03-20 12:01:06 AM  
1 vote:

karmaceutical: John Buck 41: FlashHarry: here's a tip: DON'T F*CKING OVERCOOK IT. <snip>

FFS. Cut into it when you think it's getting done (no, that won't ruin it, despite what many will tell you; fark thermometers.). Does the color look right to you? Pink, pale red, bright red, whatthefarkever? Take it off the farking grill. Jesus Christ, this isn't rocket surgery, steak lovers.

If you can't pick up a steak with tongs and tell by the flex exactly how done it is, you should probably stick to burgers.

You need to pick it up?
2013-03-19 11:23:42 PM  
1 vote:

Smeggy Smurf: No matter how you cook the steak it still winds up as a turd.  Cook it however you want.

You sound English
2013-03-19 08:10:15 PM  
1 vote:
nobodygoeshere.comView Full Size
2013-03-19 08:06:39 PM  
1 vote:
imageshack.usView Full Size
2013-03-19 07:56:59 PM  
1 vote:

nirwana: I like A1 on steaks. I also like dressing on salad. You'll get over it.

Salads don't come with dressing. Steaks come with sauce. It's called blood.
2013-03-19 07:36:41 PM  
1 vote:

dragonchild:  You shouldn't get food poisoning, though you might get tapeworms.

Some people like unconventional pets.
2013-03-19 07:10:49 PM  
1 vote:
How to cook a farking steak:


(fark filter may have altered url. You know what it's supposed to say)
2013-03-19 07:02:57 PM  
1 vote:

KrustyKitten: USDA prime

Watubi: usda prime

You mean the USDA that legally prohibited ranches from testing their own cows for disease?  That USDA?
2013-03-19 06:59:24 PM  
1 vote:

Krieghund: That looks delicious! Pass the ketchup!

images1.wikia.nocookie.netView Full Size
2013-03-19 06:31:42 PM  
1 vote:

Acharne: Nasty.

FTA: "steakhouse-quality char"  Nasty. Nasty nasty nasty.

There was nothing in that article that made me want to eat that old meat. 61-day aged? Nasty. Nasty nasty nasty nasty.

You know how I know you've never had a good steak?
2013-03-19 06:08:21 PM  
1 vote:

Krieghund: That looks delicious! Pass the ketchup!

And a Remy VSOP and Mountain Dew to wash it down.
2013-03-19 06:03:21 PM  
1 vote:

meat0918: But what if you like a well done steak?

us.123rf.comView Full Size
i4.ytimg.comView Full Size
2013-03-19 06:03:02 PM  
1 vote:

karmaceutical: You know... I've never eaten a steak off my charcoal fired Weber and thought; "Man, this steak could be sooo much better."

The law of diminishing returns comes into play here.

Option 'A' : Go to Walmart, get 8-pack of on-sale steaks, and cook over propane grill. Done in 15 minutes. Grade "70"

Option 'B': Go to local butcher, get decent cut of quality meat for a reasonable cost, cook over some special but not uncommon coals. Done in 30 minutes. Grade "95"

Option 'C' : Track down some samurai butcher who only kills two cows a year, buy one steak (because thats all i can afford), age it for 60 days in a mini-fridge and a fan that i had to go out and buy , order a $350 sous machine, cook it for 6 hours in there, then get a skillet, a torch, some 'aromatics', dirty and clean sixteen dishes. Done in 61 days minutes.  Grade "100"

Yeah, its worth is a bit more and go Option B, but to get that bump up to a 100-point score, well, there are better things to do with your time. The time and effort can be spent just going to a high-end steak house and get them to make you a steak of the quality you are trying to make yourself, and you get it in 20 minutes.
2013-03-19 06:02:00 PM  
1 vote:

Skyd1v: My wife's dog would do it for a stale Cheeze-it though.

Your wife's dog is clearly awesome. I had to fight the overwhelming urge to reach into my screen, give him a double ear-scratch, and say, "WHO'S A GOOD BOOOOOY?!?"
2013-03-19 05:57:04 PM  
1 vote:
What a stupid endeavor. What a stupid, self important asshole.
2013-03-19 05:52:58 PM  
1 vote:
Excuse me?   My dog is a loyal, faithful companion who would never dream of causing harm to his master and partner-in-crime.

My wife's dog would do it for a stale Cheeze-it though.

imageshack.usView Full Size

/look at those beady, soulless eyes...
2013-03-19 05:51:57 PM  
1 vote:
Why bother with steak when you can get a delicious McDouble at McDonalds for a $1.
2013-03-19 05:49:42 PM  
1 vote:
I'll have the Douglas Sirk, bloody as hell.

2013-03-19 05:47:48 PM  
1 vote:
These are the kinds of smells you can only achieve with either a blazing hot grill or under a 12,000°F broiler.

i915.photobucket.comView Full Size
2013-03-19 05:47:03 PM  
1 vote:

MaxxLarge: It does look awesome, and obviously the science is rock-solid...but I'm sorry. I don't care if it's the single most perfect, orgasmic, indulgently over-the-top piece of meat in the universe - I am NOT spending twelve hours and a few hundred bucks just to cook a goddamned steak.

You'll have to settle for your dog seriously maiming you during a nap, then.

Look, I don't make the rules.
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