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(NYPost)   New York City presents: the douchetender. Coming soon to a bar near you   ( nypost.com) divider line
    More: Asinine, New York City, Carroll Gardens, Bombay Sapphire  
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17565 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Mar 2013 at 1:09 AM (5 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-03-14 02:01:11 AM  
7 votes:
My biggest Manhattan bar Faux Paux was when I was stuck near the door of a dive bar and I decided to start carding people walking in. I wasn't a dick about it, I just looked at their ID's, then welcomed them in.

The bartender saw me doing it and freaked out, threatening to call the Police. I told him to go ahead.

Sure, I shouldn't have been doing it. But I didn't turn anyone away. Hey, free bouncer.
2013-03-14 01:20:47 AM  
6 votes:
I will make it my life mission to travel to these establishments and request a Miller High Life, my favorite beverage. Come at me bro.

/Miller Low Life. Because I am one.
2013-03-14 05:04:30 AM  
5 votes:
Shut up and give me my Everclear and red Gatorade, asshole.

/Because I want to get drunk RIGHT NOW
//And I may have to do some running later
2013-03-14 01:17:49 AM  
5 votes:
The important thing is to stay angry.
2013-03-14 02:08:42 AM  
4 votes:
 OFFENDING DRINK: The Long Island iced tea is "pure gluttony," says Ward. Ordering one "is admitting that you want as much booze as possible, without a conception of what it is."

APPROVED DRINK: "If you want to get bombed right away, order a zombie," he says. "It's boozier than a Long Island iced tea and really delicious."

I don't get why one is acceptable and the other isn't. If this guy actually exists, I hope his urethra gets infested with spiders.
2013-03-14 01:29:40 AM  
3 votes:
To Hipsters. The cause of, but not the solution to, all of life's problems!

rifuture.orgView Full Size
2013-03-14 12:42:10 AM  
3 votes:
questionablecontent.netView Full Size

/Basically anyone could post about 500 of QC's 2400 comics in this thread..
2013-03-14 04:14:10 PM  
2 votes:

IRQ12: offmymeds: [www.nypost.com image 299x300]

Walk in to this guy's bar and with a straight face say "I'd like a Sterno '85 with a NyQuil chaser, my good man."

/hilarity will ensue

Look, baby still has his training wheels on!  How artisanal!

(no self respecting bartender uses a jigger unless absolutely required to)

Lets see what Lewis Black has to say about these "artisanal" people, such as this esteemed bartender.

takepart.comView Full Size

"Oh what a surprise, a Trust Fund Hipster talking out of his arse!!!"
2013-03-14 08:27:13 AM  
2 votes:
Step one: Order shot of everclear. (Bacardi 151 will do if everclear is bannned in your area)

Step two: obtain lighter from nearest smoker.

Step Three: hold shot in mouth.

Step four: Light lighter and hold in front of mouth.

Step Five: Spray that shiat as hard as you can out of your mouth to atomize it. It hits the lighter, bursts into flame, and lands all over asshole bartender.

Step Six: Get the fark out before the cops show up, proving once and for all that you are top asshole, not some bartender.
2013-03-14 07:56:45 AM  
2 votes:
So just the other day, I went to this new artisanal bakery all my (facebook) friends have been raving about, it got really good yelp reviews too. Anyway, i walk up to the counter and ask for a loaf of wonderbread and the girl just gives me this "are you farking serious?" look and tells me they don't have wonderbread. Can you believe that? So I turn to leave and go to the Walmart across the street to get some and the girl behind the counter pulls a gun and won't let me leave until I order something. So I got some breeosh, I think it was called, and it was the best thing ever, but not what I wanted, super dissapointung.

/now reread that in the lumpy space princess's voice
//don't go to a high end steakhouse and order mcgnuggets
2013-03-14 07:31:46 AM  
2 votes:

eViLpOpTaRt: mixologist

Unless you invent some kind of super gin that actually makes me sexier as opposed to just thinking I am, you're just a bartender.
2013-03-14 05:11:35 AM  
2 votes:
Far as I can tell, the correct way to deal with this would be to order the day's special and then tear a strip off the bartender. "What is this? It's shiat. It's shiat. I wouldn't even pour this out over my grandfather's grave? Who taught you how to make drinks, douchetender? Your cocker spaniel?"
2013-03-14 02:36:24 AM  
2 votes:
I love stories where every single person in the article deserves repeated punches to the groin:

* the "craft" proprietor taking pride in showing up his customers;
* the milquetoast customers afraid to return the insult;
* the hipsters supporting these places, because they're hipsters;
* and the dead father because he won't feel it.

Barkeep, a fresh round of cockpunches for the house, and two for yourself!
2013-03-14 02:30:30 AM  
2 votes:

Strongbeerrules: Okay, so who's snubbing who here?

"who's snubbing whom here"
2013-03-14 01:52:02 AM  
2 votes:
thelionthewitchandthewardrobemalfunctioned.files.wordpress.comView Full Size

What'll it be?

2013-03-14 01:28:14 AM  
2 votes:
"In the end, we drank chilled gin, which we didn't want,"

Because you are a foppish twunt.
2013-03-14 01:21:15 AM  
2 votes:
2013-03-14 12:54:54 PM  
1 vote:
nypost.comView Full Size

Walk in to this guy's bar and with a straight face say "I'd like a Sterno '85 with a NyQuil chaser, my good man."

/hilarity will ensue
2013-03-14 11:54:20 AM  
1 vote:

HotWingConspiracy: Z-clipped: It's that you only came to their establishment in the first place because you heard it was hip and trendy

Why would you assume that? I wander in to places I've never heard of all the time when I'm in the city, and I'm not even a tourist.

20 years of experience.  It's certainly not everybody, but when a place gets hyped as hip or exclusive, approximately 20%* of the clientele immediately turns into "people who just like to be seen at trendy places".  It's worse with liquor than with food, of course.  Cocktail bars have their work cut out for them with the state of alcohol culture in this country.

* this number is pulled from a peer-reviewed study conducted at the University of My Butt
2013-03-14 09:39:42 AM  
1 vote:
This part annoys me:

Her father, who has since died, had the naiveté to order an amaretto sour. The server promptly informed them that they didn't have any amaretto because the mixologist didn't deign to work with the almond liqueur.
"My father felt hurt, but he tried again," remembers Deming, an author who is now working on a family memoir about kidney donation.
Her dad then asked for a mojito, a request that was met with further unkindness.
"The look of naked contempt on the waiter's face was unbelievable," she recalls. "He said, 'We don't make those this time of year.' I don't even remember what my father wound up ordering, I was so angry."

This isn't a 'mixologist' problem this is a 'we don't have the ingredients to make the drink that you have ordered' problem coupled with bad service. If I order eggs benedict in a roadside diner my feelings aren't hurt if they don't have any asparagus. I might be upset if the waiter/ress responds with 'Ohhh look at the fancy pants here ordering eggs benedict what's next? Do you want some champagne (pronounced sham pag in) with some orange juice in it, and maybe a side of grey pupon?'

/no actually that would be hilarious
2013-03-14 09:05:25 AM  
1 vote:

Soupysales: OFFENDING DRINK: The Long Island iced tea is "pure gluttony," says Ward. Ordering one "is admitting that you want as much booze as possible, without a conception of what it is."

APPROVED DRINK: "If you want to get bombed right away, order a zombie," he says. "It's boozier than a Long Island iced tea and really delicious."

I don't get why one is acceptable and the other isn't. If this guy actually exists, I hope his urethra gets infested with spiders.

This. This douchebag looks down on you for getting a drink with a load of alcohol in it, and then suggests a drink with *more* alchohol?? Plus, done correctly, Long Islands are farking yummy. (Better than birds and snow coffee too!). Now done by a crappy mixer, Long Islands taste like a bull's testicle sweat.

Look, if I care about the subtle nuance between dry, extra dry, slightly dry, and off-dry obscure brand gin, then fine, you can make me a designer drink in a Fendi glass whilst we tug on each other's penises (but in an ironic way). But if I want rum, ammaretto, lemon peel, cream, cherry juice, and a banana served to me in an aquarium, what the fark do you care as long as I pay you?

My favorite drinks (in no particular order)
Long Island
White Russian
Coke with Morgan's spiced rum (not bacardi, thank you)
Buttery Nipple
chilled Barenjager Honey Liquer  (if you have not tried this, and like honey, pick this up.)

Having dinner one night at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse at the bar and saw they had a bottle of Louis XIII Remy Martin cognac. They sell it for about $100-something a shot. I asked the bartender if I got a shot of that, would he mix it into some Coke for me. He just looks at me deadpan for a bit and says "I would slap the absolute shiat out of you if you tried to do that"
2013-03-14 08:36:58 AM  
1 vote:
"I'd like a cheeseburger with a side of fries, no onions."

"No onions?  Are you totally trying to destroy the full potential of this fine Angus beef?  I mean the cheese is bad enough, but we do have a pernicious Stilton we can top it with.  And as far as fries, you already have sufficient starch in the bun, naturally you probably  want ketchup with those, too?"

"Blow a dog."  *door slams*

Sounds  bit silly when you take the booze as sophistication touchstone malarkey out of the equation, non?
2013-03-14 08:28:40 AM  
1 vote:
Ordering things in NYC can be tricky.

img2.timeinc.netView Full Size
2013-03-14 08:15:34 AM  
1 vote:
Bartenders like this should be given a high 5. In the face. With a tire iron. Twice.
2013-03-14 07:57:14 AM  
1 vote:

HotWingConspiracy: Eh, every shiatheel working a job a robot can perform likes to inflate their skills and importance.

I once asked a bartender at a spot that only serves faux artsy booze if he ever considered that nobody buys or carries it because it sucks. He was confident is was just because people are stupid. That said, he swore his angle was more of helping local small time players emerge and get exposure.

Every "Great Satan" was once just Pennsylvania and her 12 retarded siblings.
2013-03-14 07:31:22 AM  
1 vote:

eViLpOpTaRt: 8. You DO tip the mixologist and the server!.

For what, opening the beer bottle?  Tell ya what, sweet tits, leave the caps on.
2013-03-14 06:49:11 AM  
1 vote:

Shadow Blasko: magneticmushroom: Shadow Blasko: [questionablecontent.net image 600x1418]

/Basically anyone could post about 500 of QC's 2400 comics in this thread..

Even Jeph Jacques says he'd have a hard time being friends with Faye. I wouldn't want her serving me coffee either. Raven, please.

Faye reminds me a LOT of some of my Southern friends who are generally broken, but I think I would much rather hang with Hanners. I have experience in dealing with those variety of neuroses.

To date? probably none of them... *maybe* Marbear, if Momo and I could get her to clean her act up.

Dora for me.

Of course, I like my coffee like I like my women...murky and bitter.
2013-03-14 06:03:46 AM  
1 vote:

thamike: Seriously, shouldn't she be in Santa Monica?

No. Santa Monica is full. overflow to Miami.

A bartender that won't make a simple drink off menu is basically a turd. And probably still lives at home.
2013-03-14 05:49:21 AM  
1 vote:

Yogimus: doglover: [www.nypost.com image 300x300]

Shea Berry says she got snubbed for ordering a vodka martini at Prime Meats.

There's so much wrong with this.... I can't be on her side.

Let's start with the 40-something dressing like a 20-something and doing the teenager duckface.

Seriously, shouldn't she be in Santa Monica?
2013-03-14 03:47:23 AM  
1 vote:
Gimmie a whiskey neat and hold the horsesh*t.
2013-03-14 03:31:20 AM  
1 vote:
One time I just felt like having a highball.  No real reason.... just felt like having a highball.  Hipster-aszed joint.  They've got five kinds of single-barrel bourbon and some kind of hipster pure-cane cola.  I ask him to make me a frickin' highball.  He refuses to ruin the good bourbon.  So I order a pure cane cola and a double boubon and mix it myself right in front of the twunt.  Dumbarsed New Yorker wanted to lecture me about ruining the good bourbon til I told him I grew up in Louisville and have forgot more about bourbon than he'll ever know.

/Was a damned good highball.
2013-03-14 02:38:45 AM  
1 vote:

cptjeff: is like going into Chez Paul in Jorts and trying to order pop tarts. Don't.

Agreed. Why would you want to go to some crappy restaurant where they care what you're wearing as if that affects your ability to eat, and besides that, their "fancy chef" can't even make a simple pastry? Sounds horrible.
2013-03-14 02:38:06 AM  
1 vote:
I'm a bartender in Manhattan, so I'm getting a... newspaper so I can check out the classifieds.
2013-03-14 02:38:02 AM  
1 vote:
: Here ya go, one champagne cocktail.
: Oh, thank you.
: I thought only hookers drank those things?
: Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em.
2013-03-14 02:29:47 AM  
1 vote:

alienated: Next you will be calling me a n00b for liking grey goose and Hawaiian Punch ...

Protip: Costco vodka will save you a lot of money if you are trying to get highschool girls drunk like this.
2013-03-14 02:10:56 AM  
1 vote:
I read the headline and thought "Wow, someone invented a bar where women can go in and get douches of different 'flavors,' so-to-speak, based on their personal preferences and physiological needs (but mostly trendiness and wacky names), and can hang out together and decompress and talk just like a real bar" and then I RTFA and say what it really was and oh my God I have to fill out patent and copyright applications RIGHT NOW AND I CALL DIBS AND AIIIIEEEEE
2013-03-14 02:01:45 AM  
1 vote:
Some days I want a neat sipping tequila that will last for half an hour while I savor the delightful notes of oak and whatever other bullshiat. And sometimes I just want a damn rum and Coke so I can forget for a few hours that life is cruel. If I want your snobby-ass opinion I will ask for it. Otherwise give me my damn brain-altering chemical in the form I asked you for.
2013-03-14 02:01:45 AM  
1 vote:

sycraft: Alcohol snobs are always some of the funniest people to me. I've never got why it matters so much to them if people's taste in booze differs from theirs. To me, it seems like they really aren't all that secure in their tastes. Any time someone brings something different from what they want they perceive it as a challenge to what they like. They worry that they might be having the "wrong" drink.

Something tells me no establishment to does this will survive for all that long. Whatever snobby crowd it attracts will move on when suddenly what the bar is doing is uncool.

I don't know... coworker was telling me yesterday about his favorite Irish pub that kicked out two newcomers after they not only ordered Bud Light, but then asked for limes.

Then again, that sounded like the kind of place where the bartender is the owner and once you're in his good graces you're not gonna go anywhere else.  That business model survives just fine.  Fad of the month stuff, eh, probably not.
2013-03-14 01:48:39 AM  
1 vote:
Never until now have I wished for James Bond to be a real dude, and for him to Walter PPK that hypocritical dipshiat then and there.
2013-03-14 01:44:17 AM  
1 vote:
I ordered a frozen mudslide at Fridays once. The bartender got really upset at me and questioned my manhood. Dude, you work at Fridays, make me my damn frozen mudslide.

/still tipped, cuz you know, he works at Fridays, he needs the money more than me.
2013-03-14 01:28:56 AM  
1 vote:
I'd like to go to that bar just so I could order real obscure cocktails and have him fail.
2013-03-14 01:15:24 AM  
1 vote:

factoryconnection: Knowing how I feel when people request really banal, played-out covers at gigs, I'd feel the same way these c*nty bartenders do. However, because I like keeping a party (and tips) going, I'll play their stupid request for "Blister in the Sun" with a smile and some joking around.

Would they sh*t on me for asking for bourbon with a twist of lemon? Probably but that is freaking good.

Blister in the Sun is bad request for a cover band? I'd have only thought so because they might not know it...

/hangs head in shame
2013-03-14 12:02:01 AM  
1 vote:
That's why i like dive bars.  Nobody gives a fark what you drink.  And free pool.
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